08-Jul-2004
Title: monster trucks, roadside weeds, and the art of seducing duo maxwell
Author: Sol 1056
rating: pg-13 for mild language
warning: heh. this is ME, remember?
pairing: 3+4 to start, 1+2 by end. *fingers crossed*
archived: gundam wing addiction, sweetlysour
comments & crits welcome, I don't own, etc.
yes! part two of three, looks like! not another epic... yay!
Heero was gone for several hours without explanation, and I found myself lying a number of times to cover his absence. He was normally quite punctual when it came to meetings, falling somewhere between Wufei's and Quatre's fifteen-minute pre-meeting arrival and Duo's mid-meeting arrival. After the second team meeting, I got back to the office to find Heero pacing.
"I sold my car," he announced.
"I need to sit down," I said, and landed in my chair by sheer instinctive grace. That little sports car was Heero's wet dream, and he'd had it for two years. He bought baby diapers to polish the damn thing, but didn't pop the hood; there was no need. It was under the best warranty money – or threats of imminent death – could provide. I took another deep breath. "So... you'll need a ride home?"
"Yes." Heero frowned, and his fingers twiddled against the pocket of his uniform khakis. "Does your car have a tow hook?"
"I need to sit down," I repeated.
"You are sitting down," he pointed out.
"Right," I said, looking around. I took another deep breath. "What in hell did you do, Yuy?"
"I bought a truck." He gave me a worried look, his eyebrows crinkling adorably.
"A truck. Dare I ask. A monster truck, perhaps?"
"Monster," Heero said, brows coming down in a baffled scowl. "It's truck-sized."
"Right, right," I said, waving a hand. I resisted the temptation to bash my head against the desk. When Heero came to his senses, he was going to kill me for ever giving him any idea that would lead to losing that car. I made a mental note to make sure all my paperwork was in order. Maybe I'd buy dessert on the way home; at least then I'd get laid in my last night alive. "So... this truck-sized truck. What're the stats?"
"Six on the floor, synchro-mesh transmission," Heero recited. He didn't quite look me in the eyes, and that was enough for me to pay close attention. "Three-hundred-sixty horsepower, four-hundred-forty pounds of torque. Zero to sixty in six-point-two," he finished, and gave me an expectant look.
"Just out of curiosity," I said, as calmly as I could manage, "can it currently do zero to sixty in six-point-two?"
"Not exactly." Heero's lips twisted, and he fidgeted a bit.
"Can it do it at all?"
"Maybe," he hedged. "Eventually."
I let out the breath, and immediately took another one, exhaling through my nose. "Okay. I'll give Sam a call. I think his truck can tow, but I'm pretty sure Quatre's hatchback is not going to be---"
"What's this?" Duo popped his head in the office, and I was startled to see Heero lunge forward, a determined look on his face. Duo looked just as surprised, and he backpedaled out the door quickly, Heero right on his tail. "Hey, hey, Yuy, that three-hour conference call wasn't my idea, just my team lead's, and she---ow!"
I stood up, and leaned over until I could see out the office door and down the corridor. Heero had his hand securely on Duo's braid, muttering something in Duo's ear; both of them were moving rapidly towards the receptionist's area and the elevators. After ten feet, Duo's arm came up over Heero's shoulder, and Heero dropped the braid, relaxing visibly.
"Maybe you do have a clue," I whispered to Heero's departing figure, and scrambled for the phone, dialing quickly. Wufei picked up halfway through the first ring. "Put me on speaker phone," I announced. "Latest developments, just in."
Heero looked pleased the next morning, although he still frightened the receptionist at the front desk. She seemed levelheaded the rest of the time, and I was starting to feel like I was watching a snake charmer at work. She'd shrink away, Heero would give her a satisfied glare, and everyone was happy.
"Well?" I punched the button for our floor five times without stopping, and it lit up. We had to hold the door open for two more people, though, and Heero set his jaw. I sighed, watching the numbers click by, and resigned myself to waiting until we'd gotten to our office.
"Meeting at ten with Une," Heero reminded me, flipping his screen on. "This week is team reviews... " He left the sentence hanging.
"Right, I'm on it," I said. God forbid we have Heero doing reviews. Anyone scoring less than nine out of ten would be shot on sight rather than reprimanded, and I had come to rely on at least a few of them. "Are you done preparing the documentation on the Kline case?"
"He stayed until nine o'clock last night," Heero said.
"And... " I took a second to backtrack, and failed. My brain wasn't operating yet. I claim as my defense that I was only on my third cup of coffee. "Who is he, and did he write the documentation for you?"
Heero snorted. "Duo," he said, and gave me an annoyed look.
"So... no on the documentation," I clarified.
"Barton."
"I guess not." I rubbed my forehead, noticed the coffee in my other hand, and downed it quickly. Obviously I needed a jump-start. "All right. Back up. He stayed until nine o'clock. This is different how?"
"It was a date," Heero told me. He typed on his keyboard for several minutes, and I swear I think I heard him humming.
"Yuy," I said, after a long pause. "Did you tell him it was a date?"
"What?"
"Just asking," I told him, and sighed. "Because if you didn't, he might've thought it was just a variation on playing basketball or going to a hockey game. I'm guessing you got him to help you work on the truck, right?"
Heero nodded.
"And... " I slowed my words down as best I could, considering the caffeine was doing the jitterbug on my nerve endings. "Did you specify it was a date?"
The office was silent for several minutes.
"Maybe imply it, perhaps?" I prompted.
Heero's lips twisted, and his shoulders slumped a little. He frowned at his monitor, and slowly dragged his gaze to meet mine. He looked worried, and hurt, and I felt like an utter cad for crushing him so thoroughly.
"But he said he had a lot of fun," Heero whispered.
"You two always have fun together," I pointed out. "It's just that if you don't tell him it's a date, he won't know. And then he might accept a date from someone else---" Heero's eyes flashed in panic, and I held up a hand. "---And he wouldn't realize he's two-timing, because you never outlined the parameters of the interaction." There. I hoped that was in language Heero could parse.
Heero pondered that for several long minutes, and didn't even continuing sorting his email, so I knew he was giving it some serious thought. Normally he could analyze bullet trajectories in crime scenes while answering email and routing server extensions without missing a beat. But it wasn't a surprise; the emotional was only familiar to Heero if it involved massive explosions, complete panic attacks, and a heavy dose of maniacal laughter while the buildings burned around him. Most people found it creepy, but after enough years, I suppose I saw it as part of that brain-smattering charm.
"I could make a suggestion," I said, after enough time had passed that he'd either ground to a halt or had had a thought so marvelously enlightening that all higher functions had spontaneously ceased. It'd be hard to tell the difference if I didn't know him well enough to catch the thin line between his brows.
He nodded curtly, just once, to indicate he was listening.
"First, did you finish all the work on the truck yesterday?"
Heero gave me a look like I was terminally stupid.
"Good," I said. "Ask him to come back to do more work, but this time, make sure you use the phrase, 'it's a date.' Got that?"
"It's a date," Heero repeated.
I groaned. I've seen porn movies where the actors had better inflection. "Be casual, Yuy. Just... toss it out there, off-handedly."
Heero frowned, and said the words under his breath a second time, then a third.
"Or... just practice it," I said, and picked up the stack of employee review forms. Inspiration hit me suddenly. "Actually, take that folder over there – the one with the reports from the last mission, and deliver it to Winner and Chang."
"But," Heero started to say.
I cut him off. "Take it down there, and practice on them."
"Practice," Heero parroted, dubiously.
"Practice being nonchalant." I waited until he'd finally nodded, leaving with the folder in hand, the phrase whispered again. I sighed once I was alone in the office, and flipped open the employee reviews. "You'll never get it, Yuy, but at least it'll amuse Quatre and Wufei for an hour or two."
At two o'clock, my cell phone kicked into a rousing chorus of Orpheus in the Underworld, which was a clear sign Duo had snagged it from my pocket at some point and messed with the programming. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if that song weren't universally known as the Can-can song, and it's damn hard to look professional in a managerial meeting while scrambling for the phone as the phone sings out at top volume in that incessant cheerfulness.
I muttered an excuse and ducked into the hallway, checking the caller ID. It was Heero. I found an empty office and answered the phone with a sigh of relief. At least the stupid song wasn't playing anymore.
"Barton," I said, knowing full well that Heero was only two floors below me. "What the hell---"
"I said it," Heero announced. "Now what?"
"Now... " I had to take a deep breath, from almost choking on my own tongue. "You mean, you said, it's a date? And what did he say?"
Heero was quiet for a bit, and when he spoke, his voice was very low, and uncertain. "He didn't say anything for several seconds, then he went back to acting normal."
"Ah." I exhaled noisily through my nose, considering that carefully.
That could be good, or bad. When Duo was quiet, it was hard to tell what it meant unless you were right there to see the minute signs. Usually Heero could pick those up better than the rest of us, but I doubt he'd been looking at Duo when he said the dreaded phrase.
"Ah?" Heero was getting testy.
"Just thinking." About dates, but more about the fact that I needed to get my ass back into that meeting. Then again, this might be Heero's big chance, and meetings happened every day... several times, in fact. With that in mind, it was an easy decision. "Now you just need to prepare for the date."
"Like a---"
"No, no, not a mission," I said quickly. Please, no, I thought desperately. Heero on mission-mode meant guns blazing, random alterations in mode of attack, and it'd all leave Duo completely bewildered, not comforted and enticed. "More like... " I cast about for something comparable that Heero could grasp. "It's a lot like fixing the engine. You didn't start that without knowing what parts you'd need, right?"
Heero didn't say anything.
"Okay, bad analogy." I rubbed my forehead, and wondered what Quatre would say, and just as quickly nixed that. Quatre would give Heero a list, and Heero would dutifully fulfill every requirement... or maybe that's not such a bad idea, after all, I amended. "First, make sure you've showered before he shows up."
"But we'll just be getting dirty working on the engine," Heero protested, that suspicious tone entering his voice again.
"Not the point. Just do it," I ordered. "Next, have dinner planned. Cook it, or order out. But food is mandatory."
"Roger."
I decided to quit while I was ahead – or, at least, while Heero was ahead. "That's it, Heero. Don't worry about anything else for the time being. Get through this, and then deal with the next stage."
"Next stage," Heero echoed.
Yeah, the stage where you clean up together, I thought, but decided against mentioning it. Knowing Heero, he would suggest it as an efficient means of post-work cleaning. I smiled to myself, having almost forgotten the peculiar dynamic between Heero and Duo. This nervousness on Heero's part really wasn't normal, and it was only the rest of us who saw it. After all, Duo was oblivious, but he would notice a lack of jibes.
"Now that I think of it... " I could practically feel Heero snapping to attention on the other end of the line. "You could always suggest a restaurant after you're done working, but do it while you still have energy."
"We'll be filthy."
"Exactly. Suggest showering together to save water," I said.
I had no idea you could actually hear someone blush over the phone.
The phone rang at eleven o'clock, and I rolled across the bed to slap the vidphone. Quatre came out of the bathroom, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, and raised his eyebrows at me.
"Trowa," Heero said, his expression determined. There was a tightness around his eyes, and I sat up, swinging my feet over the side of the bed. Heero frowned, looking away, then squared his shoulders. "I completed my date."
"Actually you've just started," I told him. "How did this one go?"
"I'm not sure," he answered, almost pensive. "Duo showed up after work. He liked my shirt. We worked on the transmission, and argued several times." Heero frowned, dropping his eyes. I couldn't see his hand. I'd bet they were clenched into fists, but whether at the memory or at whether he'd screwed up, it was hard to tell. "We ordered out for dinner. He left three minutes ago."
Quatre disappeared into the bathroom, and reappeared, wiping his face with the towel. Then he waved at me from behind the vidphone and left the bedroom. I didn't have time to call him back, though, too focused on trying to decrypt Heero's mission report. Or date report. Either way, it was classic reportage.
"Eleven o'clock is quite late on a school night," I observed.
"We're not in school."
"Turn of phrase, Yuy." I pursed my lips. "Well, when he left, did he seem happy? Did he seem to enjoy the evening?"
"He was acting strange," Heero allowed, and his brow wrinkled. "He just stood by the door, and kept talking about stupid things. Like the weather."
"The weather," I said, then nearly groaned. "Damn it, Yuy, I bet he was waiting for you to kiss him!"
Heero's eyes went wide. I'm not sure, but I think he even squeaked. Quatre returned on the tail end of my statement, promptly shoved a fist in his mouth, and headed back into the hallway. I glowered momentarily, hoping Heero couldn't hear the muffled laughter floating from the study.
"Kiss him," Heero said, as if this were an entirely new type of firearm and if he could just dismantle it often enough, it'd make sense. "But... "
"That's what you do on dates," I replied.
"You didn't put it on the list!"
"What?" I boggled. I know I did. "I didn't think you'd need to be told that!"
Heero glared, as if the date was now revealed to be an utter failure, and it was all my fault for inadequate preparation. Boy, it was bringing flashbacks to the last mission when I'd only packed seventeen magazines and we'd run out of ammunition. Why was I always the one to get blamed? I sighed, and ran a hand through my hair.
"Okay, Yuy, the real question is whether you made plans for another date."
"We did." Heero paused, frowned, and his tone grew worried. "I didn't call it a date, though. I didn't say it, specifically." I could see the gears churning as the concept wriggled through his gray matter and took hold. I was certain he was probably making a mental note to call Duo first thing in the morning to clarify.
"No need, I'd think," I said. "Just... how did you make plans? Was it casual, or did you set a time?"
"Duo suggested it," Heero said, his brow furrowed. "He said we could finish in another day or two of work. And he's bringing dinner."
I gave a great heaving sigh of relief. "Then it's still a date."
"But I didn't---"
"It's like a standing thing, Yuy. It's a date from now on, each time you get together, unless otherwise stated," I explained, and just as quickly realized my mistake.
Great. Now Heero was going to be under the impression that running into Duo in the hallway at work, or in a meeting, or at the soda machine, meant the date was still on, which would only confuse Duo more. At work, we were professionals first and friends second; outside work, we were friends first and young men second. Heero could handle the compartmentalization the best of all of us, I'd always felt, but mixing the areas could lead to disaster. I hastily tried to correct his impression of my words.
"I mean, when you're not at work. When you're at work---"
"I am not going to be on a date with someone while at work," Heero informed me. His eyes were narrowed, as though I'd implied something unbelievably moronic.
"Right, right," I said, and yawned. "Get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning. We'll pick you up at seven?"
"I'll be out front," Heero said, and signed off.
I shook my head and fell back on the bed, groaning. Maybe Une would let me take a vacation. Then again, if this didn't work out and Heero was trampled by an oblivious Duo, I probably wouldn't need to ask for a vacation. Being six feet under would make the whole thing a moot point.
"Hey," Quatre said, coming back into the bedroom. He crawled across the bed, and laid down on top of me. I groaned, and he rolled off me with a laugh. "Wufei says we'd be better off just tying Heero to his office chair and putting a bow on his head. Duo's unbirthday is coming up, after all."
"It's a thought," I said, and wondered if Quatre still had the number for that skywriter.
Wednesday I spent nine hours running the Preventers evaluation exams. The year before I'd supervised the obstacle course, but Une assigned me to the written exam. It was absolute boredom, even with Duo stopping by twice each day to bring me snacks and gossip. By the second visit I was starting to feel a little odd, and had to struggle to keep from rubbing my nose in case crumbs from the cookie had ended up on my face instead of my tongue. Duo was giving me odd little looks at times, then he'd shrug, grin, and go back to telling me about the upcoming hiring round, or the team conversions after the review process was final.
I called Quatre during one of the breaks.
"I think he's catching on," I whispered. I kept my back to the auditorium wall, in case Duo sprang another visit on me. Or worse, Heero.
"That's good, right?" I knew Quatre was shaking his head, and probably writing out notes to Wufei of what I was saying. "If Duo's figuring it out... "
"Either he's suspicious about Heero's behavior---" Another thought occurred to me. "Damn it, Quatre, have you been smiling at Duo?"
"Who, me?"
"Oh, hell, it's not Yuy, it's Duo's birthday!" I growled, and several unsuspecting Preventer cadets nearby looked startled, then frightened. "You've been giving him that 'I know something you don't' look, haven't you. He thinks we're doing a surprise party for him. That's gotta be it."
"Surprise party?" Quatre made a humming sound, then laughed. "Wufei says that's a great idea. We'll get right on it."
"Wait, Quat---" I didn't even have a chance to finish. He'd already hung up on me. I glared at the phone, and called the exam room to order. Break was over five minutes early, and I was jumpy the rest of the day.
I was ready when the phone rang that evening, although this time it was closer to midnight. Quatre looked up from his book and grinned, and I rolled over on my side and slapped the answer button. Heero's face flashed on the screen, deep scowl lines in his face.
"This isn't working," he announced.
"What happened?" I sighed and bunched the pillow under my head.
"I suggested we shower together... " I was treated to the sight of Heero blushing furiously, though he seemed unaware of it.
"And?"
"Duo had heat stroke."
That statement took a second to sink in, before I managed to remind Heero, "it's April."
Behind me, Quatre made a choking sound and I kicked backwards with one foot. He yelped quietly, and slid down on the bed to hide behind me, his face pressed against my shoulder blades. Oh, yeah, I thought, you're a big fuckin' help. Abandoning me in my hour of need.
"How---why---heat stroke?"
"He demonstrated all the classical signs," Heero told me, and sighed. "He turned completely red, and swayed on his feet. When I asked him his status, he was glassy-eyed and somewhat incoherent."
I didn't want to picture it. I didn't even want to hear it. But knowing there was someone behind me who'd throw me out of the bedroom if I didn't find out every sordid detail, I was compelled to ask. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
"So I escorted him to the shower, turned the water on cold, and made him stay in there until he was lucid again." Heero's scowl deepened. "Duo is still very unappreciative when he's not feeling well."
I had to elbow Quatre to get him to stop giggling against me.
"I'm not sure he was suffering heat stroke," I told Heero, picking my words carefully. "I suspect---"
"I know the signs of heat stroke," Heero retorted. "I'm trained in all the emergency qualifications."
"Of course." I aimed another kick at Quatre. Heero's frown grew deeper, and his eyes flickered past me. I kicked once more, and Quatre finally took the hint. It meant my shirt was now getting soppy from being shoved into his mouth, but I wasn't about to distract him with other things while trying to focus on Heero. "So. Uh. Once you... assisted Duo in recovering... " I held my breath, half-afraid Duo had stormed out, disgusted.
"He wanted me to join him," Heero said, shaking his head. "I didn't have heat stroke. I see no need to give myself a chill in a cold shower, but I did provide extra towels. He had to have one whole towel just for his hair."
"Always a gentleman," I drawled under my breath. The speakers didn't pick it up, and Heero looked confused. "But he didn't yell at you and leave?"
"No, once I explained, he seemed to find it all quite funny," Heero said. He raised his eyebrows, his lids closing halfway, probably replaying it in his head. "But he didn't stand by the door for a long time tonight, either." Heero's eyes opened, that clear blue piercing in its intensity. "I was about to kiss him, and he promised he'd see me after work tomorrow and then he was gone."
"Oh." I sighed. I wasn't sure what to say, when I felt Quatre shift behind me. He came up on his elbows, and leaned over me to wave at the vidphone.
"Heero," Quatre said, and rested his chin on my shoulder. I winced. Quatre has a bony chin, but he poked me, and I figured I could handle it for a few minutes. Heero looked worried, and Quatre gave him a reassuring smile. "When you head into a mission, do you always start with the first thing and move in a logical progression to the last?"
Heero tensed, and I closed my eyes, suppressing a groan. Of course Heero didn't do that, unless I was walking around behind him with a checklist and a gun to his head. Thing was, Heero still wasn't going to admit his missions weren't textbook, unless I got off my ass and did point the gun at his head. Then, and only then, he might allow that perhaps sometimes, every once in a blue moon---
"Only if Barton's forcing me, or Une's observing," Heero said flatly.
I gaped. That's the only word. Then I turned sideways to see Quatre giving me a smug look, and I rolled over on my back, covering my eyes. How come I could rail at Heero for twenty minutes and get his best impression of a stone wall, but Quatre could ask one loaded question, so sweetly, and Heero would spill his guts?
"Seducing someone is not a logical progression," Quatre explained. "Follow your instincts. If Duo arrives and that seems like a good time to kiss him, do it then. Or over dinner. Or when he reaches for a tool."
"But what if he---"
"There are what-ifs in missions," Quatre retorted, a hint of steel coming into his voice. "You could take out the perps ten minutes in, two hours in, or a week after infiltration, and at any juncture they might shoot you, blow the place up, or surrender. Do you know which it'll be, going in?"
Heero was silent, then frowned, shaking his head.
"You don't in this case, either, Yuy," Quatre replied, and leaned over me, stretching to reach the vidphone control panel. "Get some sleep, and we'll see you in the morning."
End Part 2
He gets points for being determined... even if he's adorable when clueless. Bwahahahaha.
(:./sol/monster2)
