April 2001
Although Jazz had cried often as a baby, he had outgrown it quickly. It took a lot to move the boy to tears now. And the last time Duo had heard his son scream he had been six, and had cut his leg open almost to the bone on a piece of metal at the salvage yard. He still had the scar from it, which he displayed with pride if asked. Upon reflection, Duo had been more hysterical that day than Jazz had.
But Jazz screamed now, over and over, his hands clenching fistfuls of grass at his sides, his eyes focused on a terror only he could see.
"Jazz! JAZZY!" Duo grabbed his child's shoulders. "Jazzy, come on baby, wake up."
Jazz stopped screaming but not shaking. He looked at Duo like he was a stranger. "Daddy?"
Something he had not called Duo since before the salvage yard accident. That frightened the man more than anything else. Jazz threw his arms around Duo's neck and began to sob.
"Shhh, it's okay now. It's over, Jazzy. It's all gone. Daddy's here, Daddy's got you." Duo crooned, rocking his son back and forth, rubbing his back. Jazz buried his head in his father's shoulder and wept. Duo noticed Heero standing over them, helpless, and tugged him down beside of them. "I'm here. Ojisan is here too. We won't let anything hurt you, Jazzy." Heero put his arms around both of them, closing the circle.
"Mother, is Jazz okay?" Linra's eyes were terrified.
"He'll be okay, it was just a bad dream." Sheld reassured her. I hope.
Jazz continued to shiver. "Blood, Daddy. Blood. All over. All over me. Bones sticking out. I can smell it... blood. People burning... "
"Jeez, no wonder you're freaked." Duo stood up, carrying Jazz. "Come on, let's get you home now. No blood, no bones, no burning Jazzy. It was just a bad dream, and it's all over."
Jazz refused to look up from Duo, and clung tighter.
They walked toward the transporter, the relaxed mood of the day broken. Wufei approached them and stroked Jazz's long hair as they walked, his love for his friend's son evident in that gentle touch.
They bid their farewells to Linra and her family, Heero promising the child that Jazz would be fine, and would meet her at school tomorrow. Sheld looked as if she wanted to say more, ask more, but realized it wasn't the right time for it.
Now back in their own apartment, Jazz seemed to relax a little bit in his father's arms. Duo sat down in a large, soft chair with the boy on his lap, cradling him close. At that moment the transporter buzzed.
Heero punched the accept button and Linra stepped out, Lali in her arms. She walked over to where Jazz and Duo were sitting.
Sitting the cotrefil down on Duo's leg, she put Jazz's hand on it. Lali purred happily at the touch and rolled closer to the boy.
"I think she wants to stay with you tonight." Linra explained. "Mother says cotrefils know when people need something cuddly."
Jazz's fingers moved on the soft, white fur, and he gave Lali a tiny smile. The tension drained from his small body.
"I better get home." Linra shifted her weight. "See you in school tomorrow, Jazz." She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. "Take good care of Lali for me." She hugged Heero quickly and stepped back into the transporter.
"Jazz?" Duo asked a moment later as the boy continued to quietly pet Lali. "Do you want to talk about it, buddy?"
Jazz reached out a hand and absently toyed with Duo's braid for a moment, as if assuring himself that it really was his father who held him, that he was truly safe. "What if nightmares don't stop when you wake up?" Jazz asked at last.
"Sometimes that happens. Sometimes they're so bad they don't go away right away. Was it the same dream? With the bodies and the blood?"
Jazz shivered.
"It's okay, we don't have to talk about it tonight." Duo assured him.
Jazz sighed. "You said it helps to talk about bad stuff."
"It helps a lot. Because if people know where it hurts, they know where to start trying to make it better." He glanced down at Heero, who had pulled a chair up next to them. "When people don't tell you, you have to guess, and sometimes you guess wrong."
Lali rolled for the boy to scratch another spot, a goofy grin on her face.
"I dream I'm all grown up." Jazz began. "And I love this girl. And she loves me. But her family doesn't want her to pledge with me. So we run off together to go to Seta.
"Yeah? Go on." Duo urged.
"Then... I don't know. I'm on a ship, and everyone's all dead and dying. I want to find the girl, cause I love her, but I can't find her. And I'm scared that I will, too. Cause if I do she might be one of the bloody people. And I'm thinking that I'm going to die too. And I really don't want to."
The caravan? Heero's eyes opened wide. Is he remembering the caravan? Is this Sheld's racial memory?
"Have you had this dream a lot?" Duo asked. "More than just the last time you told me?"
Jazz hesitated for a second. "Yeah. Every couple of nights. But this was the worst."
"Jazz, I wish I knew the right thing to say right now to make it all go away." Duo whispered. "But thank you for telling me about it. Everyone was really worried about you. I'll do everything I can to make the bad dreams stop, I promise."
"Linra didn't laugh at me." Jazz noted a moment later.
"Of course not. Linra is your friend, she would never laugh at something that got you that upset." Heero assured him. "She used to have bad dreams too, a long time ago. She knows how scary they are."
"Linra's really nice. So are her parents." Jazz was quiet for a minute. "Pops, I want her to always be my friend. Forever."
"I don't see anything wrong with that." Duo smiled. "Forever friends are wonderful things. I feel the same way about Trowa and Quatre and Wufei."
Jazz shook his head. "I want to stay here, Pops. I like it. I want to stay here with Linra and ride my hoverboard and go to school and study in the VR. I don't want to go back to L2. Cause I don't think Linra and I could stay friends if we were that far apart."
"Jazz, you've only been here a few weeks." Duo started.
"I don't care." The boy shook his head. "This just feels... right, Pops. Like I'm supposed to be here. Like I was lost and finally came home."
"That's the way I felt too when I first came here." Heero told him, touching his hand. "Maybe even if our minds didn't remember Dera, our hearts never forgot it."
"So can we live here for good?" Jazz wanted to know.
"That's up to your father." Heero shrugged. "We're a package deal, though. Wherever we go, we all go together."
Duo looked at his maclen and his son, who were both gazing hopefully at him. "I think Eddie just inherited himself a salvage yard." The braided man sighed. "You win, you both win. Yes, Dera is wonderful." He kissed Jazz's forehead. "I would like very much to keep on living here."
"We can stay?" Jazz said eagerly.
"Yeah, we can stay." Duo confirmed. "But if you get an urge for recycled water and stale air two years down the road don't come crying to me about it."
"YES! Linra'll be really happy about it. And so will my friends at school. Oh, I've got to go read something the teacher gave us. She's going to let me run a VR all on my own tomorrow for the whole class." Jazz jumped down off his father's lap, carrying Lali with him. "Will you tuck me in later?"
"Of course. Are you okay now?"
"Yeah." Jazz nodded. "I just don't ever want to dream about that again. It was so real... " He took off down the hall toward his room and they heard the door shut.
"Remind me to get a very large box of cookies for Linra." Duo sighed. "She knew exactly what to do for him. I was clueless."
"Linra is head over heels in love with your son. Don't tell anyone I told you this, but she told her mother the other day that she can't wait for Jazz to grow up so they can pledge."
Duo's jaw dropped. "I'm too young to have a son pre-engaged." He muttered, leaning back in the chair.
"Derans don't believe in beating around the bush about relationships. Their feelings are that if you love someone, and they love you, then you should be together, end of story. Sheld and Marti lived next door to each other as children. Trowa and Quatre are another good example of how that outlook can turn out. And I've loved you since we were kids." Heero reminded him.
Duo shook his head. "Well, he'll have a chance now anyway. Can't very well take the love of her life half way across the galaxy away from her, can I?"
Heero squeezed into the chair next to him. "Are you sure about this? I want you to be completely sure this is what you want, Duo."
"It is. I was going to tell you tonight, anyway. I want to stay on Dera." He snuggled closer to his mate. "I love how we've been living so far. Not having to worry about money, or time. Just enjoying each day as it comes. I love writing with you. Wolf and Stallion could end up being really popular here. I'm not sure L2 is ready for it, though."
Heero ran his knuckles over Duo's cheek. "Duo, I think you should let Sheld examine Jazz."
"Examine?"
"What he was describing wasn't just random; that's probably what it was like on the caravan before it crashed on Earth. At least, from the texts I've found, it was a nightmare, a living one. I'm wondering if Jazz is remembering something that happened to one of your ancestors."
"It's possible I guess. But how could Sheld help?" He kissed Heero's hand.
"She might be able to draw the memories out completely. I know, you don't like the idea of that, but if he is remembering it's better to remember all at once than be tortured every night by it."
Duo was quiet for a long moment. "Could she promise that it would only be those memories she reaches?" He looked at Heero for a moment, then gave a shuddering breath. "Because if her theory is correct, then somewhere locked away in his mind are my memories right up until the moment he was conceived. And there are things I'd rather die than have him remember. I don't want him to know what... what that's like." He leaned his head on Heero's shoulder. "Not my baby, not that."
Heero stroked his hair. "Sheld knows what she's doing. She can lead him through the memories of the caravan if those are what they are. She won't unlock anything else."
"Okay. I trust you." Duo sighed. "And I promised him I'd do anything to make his nightmares stop. Did I tell you I almost lost him once?" He said suddenly.
"No, you never told me that."
"I was dating this woman when he was about two. She always made a big fuss over him, about how cute he was, how much she loved him. So once when I went to work I left him with her." Duo closed his eyes. "She turned on the television and put him out in the front yard alone to play. A two year old. Well, he got it into his head to try and find me and walked off. Along the way... he wandered out into the street and was hit by a car."
"Oh my god."
"He doesn't remember, and I've never told him about. But he flat-lined twice during the surgery. They told me he probably wouldn't live through the night, and that he wouldn't wake up again." Duo was blinking back tears. "I went into his room and I held his hand and I sang to him. 'Little Fighter'. That was the song. He looked so tiny with all those tubes and wires sticking out of him.
"I told him I wouldn't let him be alone, that I'd stay with him. I was going to wait until it was over, and then go home and kill myself. Then, I thought, we'd all be together again. I didn't know what was on the other side but I knew he would need me there. Somehow or other I drifted off to sleep.
"I was in a white room, and I saw Hilde there and she was holding Jazz. I begged her not to take him. She smiled at me and sat him down on the floor and said 'Go see Daddy'. He ran into my arms.
"I woke up then, and his hand was tight around mine and he was looking right at me and smiling. Then I swear he said 'Ma says she loves you'.
"He was in the hospital for about a week before they let me take him home. Like I said, he doesn't remember it. But I'll never forget. And I still have this paranoid fear that one day I'm going to lose him. He's such a little daredevil, you know? He thinks he's immortal. And he's growing up so fast, but... he's still my baby." Duo whispered.
"I won't let you lose him." Heero promised. "Between the two of us, we'll make sure he stays safe. Sheld's done a memory walk on me lots of times. It's a little disorienting at first but completely safe. In fact, she can let you go with him if you want. I'll talk to her about it tomorrow."
"I'd like that. He won't be scared if I'm there with him. And if you are." He added. "You're his father too, you know. If we're going to live on Dera then I'm going to follow Deran beliefs."
Heero pulled him closer. "I've been trying not to overstep my bounds as far as Jazz is concerned. Marti told me that he often resented his pledge-mother, and that she and his father used to fight about him often."
"Well, you have carte blanche as far as Jazz is concerned. He knows he's supposed to listen to you. And he adores you. You wouldn't believe how proud he is of the fact that you're his pledge-father. The resentment won't come until he's a teenager, but he'll hate me too, so don't worry about it. We'll stop being his buddies and start becoming those old coots who won't let him have any fun."
"I'll lock him in his room if he has too much fun." Heero promised.
"Spoken like a true dad." Duo laughed. "You're doing good at this, koi. But then again, you're good at a lot of things." He sighed happily in Heero's embrace. "Do you think we can just sit like this for a while? With you just holding me?"
A few hours later Jazz left his room and wandered back out to the living room. Pops and Ojisan were asleep in the chair, cuddled up together. Well, they'd had a long day. He guessed he hadn't helped much by freaking out on them. No, he pushed the thoughts away. He wasn't going to remember that right now.
He pulled a blanket off the couch and carefully tucked it around the two men. Then returned to his room.
End Chapter Sixteen
(:./lasha/andihave16)
