A crossover of The Blair Witch Project and GW
"Is everyone ready?" said Relena, director of the Blair Wizard project to her motley crew. They were all in the hotel room. Wufei was the camera man and holding the machine, whispering, "Nataku" to it while Duo the sound man was holding the DAT recorder.
"Yeah, but I'd feel better if I was doing the map reading. I actually know some of the woods," said Duo.
"Yes, I know that your great-grand father Maxwell was the one who, according to legend, managed to escape from the Blair Wizard."
"Superstitious woman, there's no such thing as wizards."
"Be quiet, Wufei, I'm in charge."
"And stop pointing that video camera at me," howled Wufei. "My hair's messed up and I'm not the subject!"
"I'm filming the making of this momentous piece of work," sniffed Relena.
"What's the Blair Wizard anyway?"
"Didn't you read the notes?" huffed Relena.
"Fei-fei, it's all about ... "
"Name is Wufei!"
"It's all about how during the 1800s, there was this wizard who had the evil eye, could kill people with a single glance. He had wild hair and blazing blue eyes. I've seen the paintings, he's hot... " Then realizing Wufei was staring at him funny, he coughed then said, "Well, the townspeople of Blair killed him or they thought they did by shoving him off a three hundred foot cliff, his arms and feet tied, into the river below. But soon afterwards, the bishonen of the town began disappearing. The town's priest who had arrived after the wizard's execution named Father Duo Maxwell decided to go into the woods to exorcise the surrounding of his influence."
"The legend is that when he was missing for a few days, the townspeople decided to go in search of him. Now, other search parties had been made before and they just came up empty. This search party was found dead by another search party."
Wufei turned a nasty green, then shook it off and said, "You're just trying to scare me!"
"No, I'm serious. There wasn't a mark on them."
"Let's go and interview some townspeople!"
"Well, that was a waste of time," said Duo. "They all think it's a crock!"
"Shut up, Duo," said Relena. "We must now go hiking into the woods and film the graveyard where the men were buried after they were found. Then we film the actual area where they were found."
"Can I see the map?" Duo took the map and stared at it. "What kind of map is this?"
"It's obvious you've never read one of these. It's a terrain map. It's the only type they have for the area we're going."
"Uh, OK. And the location of the car?"
"It's off the map."
Both guys frown at her. "Off the map."
"It'll be fine."
"OK, this is our first night sleeping in one tent." Then a sniff is heard off camera. "Yuck! Who farted?" screamed Relena.
"Stop it, Wufei!"
"You're blaming me? Kisama! Relena, turn off that video camera!"
"Here we are at the gravesite." Relena gestured toward the small little gravestones.
"It took five hours to find it!"
"Well, we did find it, so relax. Now film me." Relena then smiled at the camera and said, "Now, this is where all of Heero Yuy's victims are buried. This includes one Duo Maxwell, who was reputed to have been dragged back to town after being found naked in the woods several months after his disappearance. The town soon disbanded and all the inhabitants scattered to towns elsewhere in the county. They said that he died, moaning the name of his tormentor. Alas, I feel sorry for that poor wretch."
"Who the hell's been leaving flowers outside the tent?"
"Don't look at me."
"I didn't do it."
"Maybe the guys in Deliverance wants your butt, Wu-boy."
Relena films Wufei trying to beat the stuffing out of Duo.
"Didn't we pass this log an hour ago?" said Duo.
"No," said Relena.
"Woman, this is the remains of the sandwich wrapper I threw on the ground!" said Wufei, a knot of tension throbbing on his forehead like the eardrums of heavy metal guitarist during a concert.
"You littered?" said Relena.
"Kisama, give me the map and let a man lead the way."
"No!" howled Relena. "I'm in charge. I know what I'm doing."
Wufei tried to snatch the map away from her, but in their struggle, the map was ripped into tiny little pieces.
"Uh, oh," said Relena. "That's the only map."
Duo got on his knees and wept. "It's been a week since I shampooed," he moaned.
"I still have the compass," said Relena triumphantly.
"Did you hear that?" said Relena in the middle of the night.
"What?" said Duo, annoyed that he was awakened to his empty stomach since that night's dinner was, again, instant noodles.
"Someone's outside," she whispered insistently. "We must go outside and see what it is."
"Yeah, I bet they're wearing leather hockey masks and holding chainsaws.
You take a look," snapped Duo.
"I'm not going by myself," she huffed.
The next morning they woke up and saw heart-shaped wreaths surrounding the tent. "This is scaring me," said Wufei. Strange words like koibito and itoushi were scrawled all over the place.
"Maybe they want Relena," said Duo. "Either that or this is the locals' sick sense of humor."
"We've got to find a way out of here!" raved Wufei. "My Nataku is in desperate need of cleaning!! I'll never forgive you if she's permanently damaged!" He stomped around.
"She?" echoed Duo. I wonder what he does when he sleeps with that thing, he thought.
"Just keep going east, that's where the highway is."
"Well, even if we get there, I bet the car's already stolen."
"Hmph," said Relena. "I'm sure my brother Zechs has called the police and is looking for me himself. I'm sure to be missed."
"And we're not?" said Duo, rolling his eyes.
"Kyaaa!" screamed Relena as the tent was buffeted by something trying to get in.
"Hold me, Wufei, I'm scared."
"Hands off, Duo!"
"Oh, gross, someone took out all my boxer shorts and slimed them," scowled Wufei.
"Uh, maybe it's drool," said Duo. "Someone did it to my undies as well." He held up a variety of boxer shorts, thongs and a pair of briefs for variety, all wet with something.
"Funny," said Relena. "Nobody touched my stuff."
"Well, lucky you!" snapped Duo. "Lend us some of your under ... "
"Are you mad?" screamed Relena.
Wufei began filming Relena.
"Turn it off," commanded Relena.
"Admit you had no idea what you were doing when you brought us out here!"
"No."
"No as you won't admit that you're grossly incompetent."
"No, as I know what to do and still do. Now stop filming me."
"No, I'm filming this for posterity."
"Stop or I'll smash Nataku!"
"Duo's missing?" said Wufei.
"Yes, but I don't know where he could've gone. He just went out to go to the bathroom. There hadn't been any noises since three days ago so he thought we were safe. Then all I hear is 'Gyaaah.'"
"Anything could've happened to him by now," said Wufei, shuddering.
"Listen," said Wufei.
Relena and Wufei carefully listen to the ruckus outside.
"Come back, you're not going to get away from me again, Duo Maxwell!" growled a low voice.
"I... no idea... mph... Gyaa."
Wufei hopped out of his sleeping bag, crawled out of the tent and used the lighting equipment to light up the surrounding area. "Duo! Duo!"
Relena hopped out as well and said, "Whoever you are, show yourself!"
The air is suddenly full of unearthly moaning and sounds that really shouldn't be described.
Relena gasped, "It sounds like he'd being tortured ... "
Wufei mumbled, "It kinda sounds like something else."
"What?"
"Never mind, but we must go and save him."
They both run towards all that noise. In the distance, they see a house on top of a hill. "We're saved," cried Relena.
"How so?"
"They're bound to have a phone."
The house was dark with none of the lights on. Relena threw open the door and looked to see nothing but an empty house. The sounds seemed to come from upstairs. Both of them rushed upstairs while calling out to him. Going up the stairs, Wufei was heard saying, "What the ... "
"I'm the wizard of OZ, the town next to Blair."
"Kisama!"
Relena's camera work at this time showed a flash of Wufei's terrified face and a close-up of some mighty strange eyebrows.
Then the camera whirled around and showed a hallway jumping around, then a door opened. Someone's very nice left butt cheek was showing and a shriek from Relena was heard. In the background, moaning and panting can be heard. Then the words "Omae o korosu" are heard said by an unknown voice. The camera abruptly dropped to the floor, showing a shot of what's inside Relena's nose then nothing else is recorded.
The police stare at the year-old footage. "Oh, man, this has got to be a hoax."
One of the cops finished her doughnut after shaking her brief fit of nausea at all the bad camera work and said, "Ah, it was just getting good."
All of the men and half the women on the force stare at her.
"What?"
The End
(:./mk/blair)
