01/07/AC205 (just)
Insomnia. I guess that's what you get for sleeping during the day; another four o'clock in the morning.
I've lain awake for hours, thinking about self and others, books read and things heard, ideals and memories; anything and everything trivial and small, until finally giving up on the idea of sleep and settling down to write down some of the things pestering away at my dull middle-of-the-night brain.
Amazing how writing's become such a natural activity for me.
Sometimes, I get this feeling I know myself better than I'd ever admit--better than I understand--and other times, I am painfully aware of my total lack of any such familiarity with my true nature.
Probably both.
Probably neither.
Whoops. Just woke Hilde up.
I'm struggling not to chuckle now. She glared at me with confused frog-eyes, sank her chin back toward her neck so that it doubled, and then promptly rolled over angrily when I smiled at her, and began to snore. Or possibly to pretend to snore, just to get back at me.
Fortunately, hitting her a few times with a pillow works in either case.
Hilde's not like me. She doesn't try the way I do to be naturally agreeable and good- tempered--she just is.
Some people have that--that warm glow all the way to the centre that draws others to them, makes the world special.
Some people can fake it.
Some people probably could, but don't even try.
I don't know which I admire most, but I do know that I occasionally despise them all... occasionally.
It's best to understand where you are in life--what it is that you've gotten yourself into-- and it's best not to take anything _too_ seriously.
If you smile the right way you can make things pretty much all right, whatever the situation.
There's more than one way to do it, I think. Consciously, unconsciously, semiconsciously...
If it's consciously, you basically just have to accept the fact that things are as important as they are pointless. They're just things, and that 'just' means you can change reactions to them as easily as you want to.
Or you can be a deluded fool, and be free and wise, and do it all without realising-- innocently manipulate, and feel so, so good about yourself and the world all the time.
And there are so many millions more things and I can't feel like putting this stuff down on paper.
Jesus, but I'm idiotic in the wee sma's.
Starting to think of trashy songs about self-pity and loneliness--'wide awake at four am,/ without a friend in sight,/ hangin' on a hope/ that I'm all right,' and so on and so forth.
Ridiculous.
Well, anyway, I have a wife. The angry frog next to me that looks as if it's about to start snoring again.
And a friend, although whether I could really call him or visit him at four am I'm not sure – don't know that I could deal with the Look he'd probably give me.
Everyone's a bit off when they first wake, in some way or other. I personally tend to be rather detached until I've got some sugar inside of me.
I wonder if I'll actually manage to wake up in the morning.
Not sure as I actually want to.
Idiotic, remember.
01/07/AC205 (civilised hours now)
Well, I'd comment on my entry of last night, but the last line says it all, really.
Hilde's still angry. Says very little, avoids looking at me if she possibly can, carries herself kind of tense and aloof, and tonight for dinner she just made poached egg and spinach--not even a proper meal.
She usually puts a lot of energy into the cooking. I love to watch her cook.
It's strange, for Hilde to stay angry like this. I know I joked about her not forgiving me 'till the end of August, but in fact, she usually gets over my little gaffes really quickly. She's not like Heero, who in most cases takes things a little more seriously. She springs back so prettily--it's admirable.
Everyone goes through a bit of a low after the high of a holiday.
Still, I'm concerned. I guess I really did hurt her feelings quite a bit, taking off without her like that.
I've tried to apologise, of course, and she just says it's nothing and goes on with whatever she's doing. Goes on being angry.
I can't escape to Heero's, since he's off somewhere with Nathalie today, when I need him.
I can't escape to work, because I don't go back until tomorrow. Would have been today, but it's a bank holiday Monday. Just my luck.
So I'm stuck at home with Hilde, who's starting to make me feel itchy, she's so worked up right now.
Why is everyone so strange in their moods, these days?
End Part 7
(:./psyche/best7)
