Best Friend by Psyche

Part One

Heero Yuy is my best friend. That has to be the first sentence to go in this diary. But I'm not really sure why, I mean, in a way I am, but I can't put it into words. It's just--I don't know--it's just a feeling I have. There are very few things that are more... that are truer, I guess. I have to admit though, I'd be hard pressed to explain what I mean by that, if anyone were actually interested enough to want to know.

He gave me this diary. That's not why he had to be the first thing to go in, although the way it happened does show a small part of it.

I should probably start by saying I've been feeling kind of low recently. It's nothing much, I just sometimes, really too rarely for it to be a big deal--but there were these times where I just didn't seem to have my usual energy. And it bothers me because I don't know why. I mean, I have the perfect life! Lots of friends, a job I love, a nice house on my home colony, more than enough money, and, of course, there's always the knowledge that I had a hand in creating the current 'era of peace and prosperity,' which I'm told has the power to really brighten your day. And, of course, Hilde's great. We finally got married a couple of years ago. Not the most unexpected of moves, I'll grant you, but, what can I say? I love the girl. And we're comfortable together. Guess I'm just living the storybook.

Unexpected moves are really more Heero's thing. He was the best man at the wedding, by the way. Well who else was I going to ask?

Anyway, during the war, and for a while afterwards, I always just assumed that he would eventually end up marrying Relena and becoming some kind of public figure or something. Like with me and Hilde, it just seemed natural that his life should continue that way. But instead, he followed me to L2. Even now, knowing him better than ever, even now I haven't managed to work out why. He still sees the little apparatchik now and again. They're pretty good friends--but I've given up expecting it to become anything more than that.

It often kinda makes me feel sorta sad, that Heero did so much for the world, only to end up alone. I know he feels lonely sometimes, though he'd never admit it. We understand each other. In a way--a very weird way, since he rarely tells me anything straight out--I am... his confidant, I guess, although it's a stupid word.

But I can't always be there for him. He needs something more.

I think that's really why Heero became a writer. Because... I mean, he had that unfulfilled need to share himself with someone. Still does, but now, it's not so great. He's found a way to alleviate that feeling of--of wrongness that's so strong inside him. So strong... he practically vibrates with it. Because he's been alone, and lost, all his life.

And even with me...

And even with me, he aches for something more.

And it hurts.

I have a bad habit of changing the subject whenever a conversation comes anywhere near my own problems. Looking at yesterday's entry, it seems the same is true when it comes to writing. So, I suppose I'd better try again tonight.

As has been said, I've been getting this low feeling on and off for a while now, and it's starting to bother me. Well, anyway, this being the case, it was pretty natural for me to mention it to Heero. He didn't say much at the time (of course), but I knew he hadn't brushed me off or anything--I know that I can rely on him to do whatever he can to help me when I need it. That's why I always go to him.

His solution was this diary. I found it on my desk at work with a little note. 'Writing can make things clear,' signed Heero Yuy.

That's typical Heero--leaving a gift to be stumbled upon, instead of hanging around to give it in person and be thanked. Gratitude makes him uncomfortable. So, being the good friend that I am, I phoned him up straight away to help him get accustomed to dealing with it. And I ended up grumbling about being treated like some weepy romance novel addict just waiting for the chance to whine about every stupid little thing that doesn't fit some ludicrous ideal. I mean, what the Hell is a grown man who hit maturity before entering his teens supposed to write in a _diary_?

I may as well not have bothered, for all the advice he gave me--I could at least have hung on to my dignity. He just mumbled something about hoping I didn't feel 'pressured' and hung up. Probably thought that it would be better for me to choose my own words, so that I have a better chance of getting something of value from this.

Bastard.

I'm going to try to be as honest as possible in here. I'll probably still avoid discussing my feelings, but I don't really care. Heero hardly mentions emotions in his writing, but it's still pretty powerful stuff. He always manages to get things straight from him to me, bypassing actual description, as it were. Eh, better stop there before I start sounding like some jumped-up little critic. Not that I could ever truly run the risk of being mistaken for one.

Gah. I need to see Heero again. Writing makes me feel weird. I can't say the things I want to say, and even if I start off okay, everything just falls apart into inconsequential nothings that make me feel petty and small. And that sentence was too long. And I shouldn't start sentences with 'and,' technically... not that I care about that stuff!

Jesus, but this is hard. I feel full and empty at the same time, and I just... Damn!

Okay, finally feeling able to give this another try. Saw Heero yesterday. Didn't ask him what I should write or anything, of course. I am capable of doing things on my own. I know I said I need him, but I didn't mean I need his help--I just need his company now and again.

We had a good talk. He's still lonely sometimes, and I'm still low sometimes, but we can make it better for each other--we can help each other feel more right. Plus, he's still a seriously easy mark. Even when nothing else works, I can guarantee that making fun of Heero Yuy will always take me out of myself. It's a real cure-all!

I wish Hilde had a friend like that. We had a fight today because I didn't tell her I'd started keeping a diary. She never usually gets angry with me--we're a real live happy couple! She's just feeling stressed at the moment. I think it's her work down at the salvage yard. She should really take on extra help, but I don't think she will. Wife or not, sometimes I just don't understand that girl. Why does she always feel the need to prove herself?

Enough of that. On to happier things. Heero's finally decided that the novel he's been working on for the last I don't know how many months is 'perfect' enough to be seen by anyone other than himself, so I finally get to read it. He'll be giving me a copy of the MS tomorrow, when we meet for dinner at his place. I'll probably end up staying the night, usually do.

With Heero, I can talk about the old days. About being a pilot, and living, and dying, and surviving. About Trowa, and Quatre, and Wufei. About how everything is different now, but in some ways exactly the same.

He's really the only one of the other pilots I hang around with much these days. The others all have other stuff going on, and when I do see them, things are so... there's a kinda distance that really just gets to me. Something that's different. Changed.

But some things stay the same, you know. Heero and I'll always be the same.

End Part 1

(:./psyche/best1)