31-Mar-2001
Title: Way Beyond the Pale
Author/Contact: Asuka
Archive: GW Addiction; anyone else, please ask first
Disclaimer: located at bottom
Feedback: Any at all appreciated and welcomed. ^^
Category: One-Shot, Contest Fic
Pairings: 1+2/2+1, slight 3+4
Warnings: Angst, semi-AU, Possible Deathfic, Shounen Ai
Notes: Extremely belated B-Day gift for Tyr & the GWA gang. Hmm...well, to
meet the deadline for the angst contest, I have to send this out unbetaed and
off-the-cuff. I might repost it later on in a fully betaed format... This
first started out as a songfic, but after debating about it, I decided to
take the lyrics out. The song I originally wrote it to was Matchbox Twenty's
"Back 2 Good." Opening and ending verses from "Doughnut Song" by Tori Amos
(also where I got the title from). Special thanks to my imouto WhiteTiger
for stepping in last minute to give this a quick look over and advise!
*peeps in* Umm...hey... remember me? Yeah, it's only been almost 3 months
since I last posted! ^^x;; School and writer's block: two of the most evil
things in the world.
And Tyr, this is for you! Hope you like it. ^^
Italics/Emphasis in *...*, Thoughts in /.../, Things in the past/Flashbacks in //...//
-= Had me a trick and a kick and your message
Well you'll never gain weight from a doughnut hole
Then thought that I could decipher your message
There's no one here dear
No one at all =-
The sky was bleak and greyed when they rode out into battle. Lightning tore through it like wildfire, reverberating thunder chasing after like bloodhounds hunting for game. Rain drizzled from heavy clouds threatening to pour down and unleash their torrent.
The ground had slicked to mire hours ago, splashing around the premises with every movement on the battlefield. The air was full of sound; machine guns tinkered, bombs exploded in a rhapsody, mobile suits shifted in a melodic drone.
The machines slid back and forth, clashing with one another and exchanging fire. Mud was everywhere, mixed with the blood of fallen soldiers counted amidst the death toll. There was so many, tossed around like rag dolls across the terrain. So many had died in the war already - these were no exception. But that fact had been tossed aside in the desperate minds that fought. The end justified the means and their idyllic future. Their cause.
No amount wasn't worth the sacrifice. Eager and fearful soldiers were like forests - cut down so easily and replaceable with time. They were lambs led to the slaughter: their meager training no match for warriors specially conditioned for this very purpose.
Point. Lock. Click.
Point. Lock. Click.
Point. Lock. Click. Another down.
Duo was empty as he went through the motions. Point. Lock. Click. Another life for the Grim Reaper. But Shinigami was dying in him, no longer wanting to stay. He no longer felt the exhilarating rush he used to when going into battle. He no longer held the maniac gleam in his eyes as he fought. He had become vacant. Worn out. Far older than what a boy his age should've felt.
Point. Lock. Click.
He retreated for a bit, wiping the sweat from his face on his sleeve. Turning to the panel at his side, he flicked the audio and visuals on for Wing.
"01, this is 02. Do you copy?"
"Copy that, 02," came the familiar nasal reply. He could see the tension throughout Heero's body.
"I'm tired... Aren't you?"
"Of what?"
His voice grew faint. "The war, killing, the bloodshed...the control. Everything. Aren't you?"
He watched as Heero's eyes darted back and forth, assessing the battle. Just when he thought he'd get no answer, a slight "Aa" sounded in Deathscythe's speakers.
Duo sat back in the cockpit, nervously chewing at the tail end of his braid. He looked at the OZ forces being annihilated, faintly heard their shrieks in the background and Heero's calm yet heavy breathing. "I don't want to be a puppet anymore."
He sat up. "Say, Heero?"
The Wing pilot withdrew for a moment, turning his attention onto his fellow pilot. "What is it, Duo?"
"I don't know if I can take this anymore. And I know you're reaching your breaking point, too. Come away with me, then. I know it sounds crazy, but you won't regret it."
Heero closed his eyes, taking into consideration the offer. "Why me, Duo? And what of the others? We have an obligation."
"Heero, you've known how I feel about you. And the others are strong; they'll make it through. We're not obligated to anyone or anything. For God's sake-"
"You don't believe in God."
"That's not the point, here! We're 15 years old and have done and seen more than what others will in a lifetime, let alone probably want to! We didn't start this war. It will only ruin us if we continue. I don't want to die here, and I don't want to be alone. Please..."
He opened his eyes. "Duo..."
"Come away with me." Duo's expression was hopeful, pleading.
After a few moments, Heero responded, "...I will."
The air was full of sound again, and Duo laughed. He smiled, a real and true smile. "Ok, then."
Heero smiled somewhat as he bid the war good bye. The image of Duo on his screen glitched slightly as static overtook it. The intensity increased, and a blinding light consumed the horizon.
Black. It stretched everywhere - by the floating planets, across the horizons, everywhere. It was all he could see in space. Everything.
But in the distance hung a familiar object - a swirl of blue and white, patched here and there with green. He gazed at it almost longingly, and at the fireworks of laser cannons and beams exploding around it.
"Hey."
He turned from his position at the window, taking the offered mug in his hands. "Hey."
Duo looked at where Heero had been gazing and gave a short sigh, accompanied by an empathetic smile. "You aren't rethinking this, are you?"
"No." He turned his head back to the window.
Duo sat down next to him, focusing on his partner's intent gaze, then finally looking out to the cosmos. They both remained in a heavy silence, the coffee cups steaming and untouched.
--Two Years Later--
"...And for our current headline, the war has officially been declared over. With the surrender of the Colonies and execution of the main conspirators,..."
- Pictures of the five scientists flashed on the screen.
"...OZ has taken full dominance over the Earth Sphere. Headed by Treize Khushrenada, OZ had reigned supreme after the final conflicts at space fortress Barge and on land in Versailles. Pacifist and princess of the former Sanq Kingdom, Relena Darlian-Peacecraft, met with the leader of OZ earlier today to sign official documents stating the Sanq Kingdom's defeat and her relinquishment of her title and other offices she had filled. The Peacecraft nation was the last standing source of opposition to OZ..."
- The screen was filled with pictures of giant mecha in battle.
"...No word has been said on the locations of the Gundams or their pilots. The cause of absence of units 01 and 02 is as of yet unknown. Speculation is that they are missing in action or have self-destructed; however, no debris has been found of either. Both units had not been sighted since the middle of the war. Further details..."
The television was turned off, leaving two cobalt eyes staring at its blank screen in disgust.
"What'd you do that for? I didn't even get to hear what was on!"
"...I don't know."
Duo left his place at the doorway, entering the room. He approached Heero, who was still grimacing at the TV screen, almost as if to burn holes through it. "Something's bothering you, isn't it?"
"...I don't know."
"Heero, you know you can tell me anything."
Heero finally broke his glare from the television, fixing his eyes directly onto Duo's. "Do you think this will work?"
Duo was surprised at Heero's question. "Well, that was unexpected! Of course it will, why wouldn't it? We'll make it work."
"I'm not so sure..."
"What do you mean by that? Are you telling me that even after all of this time, you still don't trust me? Fuck, Heero, I thought we had more than that."
"Well maybe you thought wrong," Heero retorted. Duo's face blanched, crestfallen, and he trembled somewhat. "I'm sorry, I don't know what overcame me. I didn't mean it."
The American reached out, grabbing onto the sleeve of Heero's shirt. "Is there something wrong? I won't know how to fix it unless you tell me."
At contact, Heero backed away slightly. He broke eye level with Duo, opting to stare at the ground instead. "It's nothing! I've just got a lot of things on my mind. I want to be alone now." Duo left, bewildered and still uncertain of Heero's strange behavior.
As Heero watched him leave the room, he took the remote in his hand, turning the TV on again, back to the same newscast. He couldn't get what he had heard earlier out of his mind. /I am Heero Yuy, pilot of the Wing Gundam, Unit 01. I am first and foremost a soldier. My duty is to fulfill the mission to whatever extremes necessary, to obtain freedom for the Colonies. I must never run away from the battle. My life and desires are inconsequential to the operations given to me. They must be completed at whatever cost... And I have failed my duty./
/Was it all because of him?/
The phone was ringing. "Heero, can you get that? I'm kind of busy!" cried Duo from the other room. Heero proceeded to the phone, switching it on to visuals.
It was Quatre.
"Heero, I'm glad you answered. Look, I want to talk to you about something. I know what happened with you and Duo, and-"
He cut him off, "I don't want to talk about it."
"But Heer-!"
Click. And there was silence.
Duo came into the room, shirtless, a towel slung over his shoulder. Squeezing the water from his hair, he asked, "So who was it?"
"No one - wrong number."
"Wrong number? That's odd... Our number's unlisted. Oh well, guess I shouldn't worry 'bout it, ne?"
Heero remained silent.
"So you're trying to put all the blame on me, is it? I can't believe this - just can't fucking believe this!"
"Your behavior that day was irresponsible."
"Irresponsible my ass! We both know if I hadn't suggested we bail from that God-forsaken war we both would've died! I don't see your reasoning in this - how am I the sole bearer of the culpability when *you* agreed to tag along with me? You're as much to blame as I am, if I'm blameworthy at all!"
"It was one moment of weakness. The mission failed because of your selfish act. Soldiers don't-"
"Oh god, don't get me started on this 'Almighty Mission' bullshit! Soldier this, mission that; screw it! My intentions were good: we both know we would've died then. What good would a corpse do in battle? You tell me that! Fifteen years worth of training in one person couldn't be replaced overnight. So we lost the war! The world won't end - you're alive, I'm alive, and revolutions can take place again. If we don't, someone will. And why is it *our* sole responsibility to be saviors to the world? We've gone through this before, Heero. It's not our *obligation,* so why do you resent me for saving your fucking life?!"
"You don't understand, Duo - that *was* my life!" Heero was seething.
"And it wasn't mine, too? Give me a break, Yuy, I'm not an idiot. Why must you bring these things up again? It's in the past; bury it. You can't change it, and neither can I. Deal. You have to learn to let go, Heero, or you'll end up losing everything. Quit harping on things that are beyond our control. I'm going for a walk - I need to cool down." He grabbed his jacket and his keys, slamming the door on his way out.
/You don't understand, Duo. That's all I have to hold on to. Can't you see that?/
He had gone out shortly after Duo had left. He needed to get away for a while...lose himself in thought. Was Duo right about what he said?
When he came back, Duo was still gone. The blinking red light on the comm unit indicated a message - it was Wufei. "Yuy, it's me. I heard from Quatre what's been going on. I know it's none of my business, but maybe you should try talking to him or someone. Don't think of it as a weakness. Weaknesses hinder growth to true integrity. What I'm trying to say is, listen to Duo. His side of the story. Fully digest it. Considering only your version is an injustice to yourself and Duo. True strength is being able to take both sides, the good and the bad, and come out victorious. I don't know what happened between you two or what your reasons were that day, but I hope you resolve the issue before it's too late." The sharp beep of the recorder sounded, and the screen went blank.
/Both sides of the story, huh? But I don't want to talk about it. Let me be.../
"So we're over then, is that it?"
"Aa."
"Bastard. I just don't understand. I gave up everything for you, and now you're giving me up. What twisted irony. Should've known better, shouldn't I?"
"Duo..."
"Don't say anything, Heero. I guess I've finally come to accept that this will never work out between us. There's just...too much that's separating us. But, at least give me this: what went wrong?" Duo's eyes were misty, but he refused to give in. Not for him. Not this time.
Heero offered one word of explanation before he left: "Me."
"Do you ever feel like you've wasted your entire life?" Heero sat across the restaurant dining booth from Trowa and Quatre. He'd been staying with them ever since his and Duo's breakup a few weeks ago. After living with the two for a short while, he noticed how the Latin boy had changed. He was more open, more expressive and willing to express.
He took a sip of his coffee. "All the time. But there's always been one thing I've never regretted doing, and that was meeting Quatre. So I guess the part of my life that was wasted wasn't, really, because if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have met him."
"So was I wrong in leaving Duo?"
"Only if you regret it."
"But the war was lost because of Duo and I. It was our fault OZ is in power now."
Quatre spoke up. "Heero, we were fighting a losing battle to begin with. It was the five of us against the world. Don't you remember when there was a time the Earth and Colonies abandoned us? Eventually we would've lost. The fall of the Sanq Kingdom and Peacecraft dynasty assured it. After that, there was no one on our side.
"Losing doesn't always mean defeat. You are only defeated when you allow yourself to be consumed by it so much that you can't get over it. You didn't fail, and you weren't in the wrong."
The Japanese boy was still confused and unsure. He had always thought it was his and Duo's fault for their losing the war. Which was really the truth? Which could he trust? He hated the questions, the suspicions, and he hated not knowing.
"Heero, you told me once that there was nothing wrong in acting on your emotions. That day, you acted on them. It was what you desired - what your *heart* desired. Why can't you accept the fact that you deserve happiness as much as everyone else? That the fate of the world doesn't rest on your shoulders? We're survivors. Don't we deserve something for our contributions?"
Trowa's words struck a cord in Heero. Maybe Trowa was right... Maybe he had just thrown away something that was good, something he wanted. Maybe...
"Resent can swallow you whole, Heero." Quatre smiled at him, and Heero realized the weight of his error. He couldn't change it - it was in the past. He needed to let go, or he'd never be free. It'd always control him. Isn't that what Duo had told him?
Resentment and regret had broken him and Duo apart. He wasn't going to let that happen with the rest of his life.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep...
"Vital statistics are increasing."
"Heart rate has gone up 2%."
"Blood pressure rising."
"Mr. Winner. Mr. Winner? I believe the patient is waking."
Quatre rose, blinking the sleep from his eyes. "What? Oh, yes, thank you." He turned to the being laying under light blue hospital sheets. It was strange - the patient was hooked up to so many life-support machines, yet it was the first in a long while that he actually looked alive. His skin was regaining its color, losing the cadaverous resemblance. He stirred, then woke, his eyes unsure and bleary.
The doctors and nurses moved in, removing the various appliances that had sustained him. The oxygen tube was removed, and he choked, coughing and gasping for his first independent breathes since he was admitted.
"Heero? Can you hear me?"
"What - Quatre? What are you doing here? Where am I?"
"Heero, you're in a hospital. But you're fine, now. Everything's okay."
"The hell it is. Where-where's Duo?" He shifted, looking around the room as if he'd find him there.
Quatre's brow furled, and he bit his lip hesitantly. "Heero, Duo died two years ago."
Heero looked confused. "What are you talking about, Quatre? No, he didn't - he's been with me the whole time. Don't you remember? We ran away, and-"
Trowa interrupted him. "Heero, two years ago we were assigned on a mission. You and Duo were hit by OZ's newest weapon. It wiped the area out and killed hundreds instantly. Duo died, then. We were able to rescue you, but you lapsed into a coma and haven't emerged until now. The doctors gave up hope for you within a few weeks, but Quatre refused to pull the plug on you.
"OZ won the war. We'd lost two comrades, and three wasn't enough to complete our missions. Eventually, we were reduced to two when Wufei broke down and turned sides, probably over guilt of killing Treize. The doctors were helpless: they'd spent years training us specifically to pilot Gundams and to stage the revolt, but in doing so, they didn't create back-ups. The war was lost, then. Treize's daughter, Mariemaia, succeeded him. Quatre and I were forced to go into hiding and take up new identities. Even now, we are hiding in one of Quatre's secret facilities."
Heero was stunned. Two years... For two years he had lived in a fantasy while his friends had fought a lost cause. Their mission - his whole purpose - was a failure. And Duo had-... He still couldn't bring himself to think it.
And all that time he had thought they'd spent together - the arguments, the happier moments, their eventual breakdown - it was all...
"Just a dream. Everything. A mere illusion... My God..."
Quatre and Trowa looked to each other, confused. "Heero?"
//"We'll make it work."//
Heero broke down in sobs, finally releasing all the tears he had kept bottled up inside him. /I...I've failed. Even in a dream I couldn't make it work./ And through the tears, he could have sworn he saw Duo sitting at the edge of his bed, that same smile on his face - his last smile - beckoning.
//"Come away with me..."//
//"I will."//
/I will.../
//"This time, Heero. This time..."//
-= And if I'm wasting all your time
This time
Maybe you never learned to take
And if I'm hanging on to your shade
I guess I'm way beyond the pale =-
~owari~
-The Full Disclaimer-
The "Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing" universe is copyrighted and property of
Sunrise, Sotsu Agency, Bandai, ANB, and associated parties. Any of its
elements and trademarks have been used without permission, for entertainment
and non-profit uses only (17 USC 102.a). Original content is a work of
fiction, and is considered to be copyrighted to and the property of the
author. All rights reserved.
-Extra-
"Doughnut Song" is by Tori Amos, and is off of her album, _Boys For Pele_.
Lyrics used without permission.
