Best Friend by Psyche

Part Two

I didn't end up spending the night at Heero's after all--a writer friend of his dropped in half way through our dinner to invite him out for drinks. I could have gone along, I guess, but I felt... out of place. So I made my excuses and headed home.

Heero's book is called 'Killing the Dream'. I would have started reading it as soon as I got in, but Hilde wanted to go out somewhere, since my evening was now free. I wasn't really in the mood, but I didn't know how to tell her. We ended up seeing a film. It was okay, I suppose. Just a bit... pointless. When Hilde asked me, I said I enjoyed myself.

Would have, could have... What's wrong with me this evening?

Tired, most probably. I should get to bed. Things'll be better in the morning.

Haven't written much. Make up for it next time.

I had a low day today. Just completely unable to do anything. Pretended to go to work so Hilde wouldn't worry, then came home again after she'd left and 'phoned in sick. When she got back in the evening, I switched on the television so that I had an excuse for not talking much beyond the basics. She seemed a little disappointed at that, but, luckily, she'd had a long day at work, and was too tired to push it.

Maybe 'low' isn't really the best word to describe how I feel--I don't know. It's like a sort of... a sort of lightness--as if I'm fading away and taking the world with me. Nothing holds my interest, but I have to keep trying things--I have to keep trying to find something to do, to keep me anchored. So I just keep starting things then losing focus, getting bored.

And my emotions are... different. Weaker, and yet they affect me more. Good news has me giggling for hours, and sad stories leave me in tears, but nothing really matters at all-– I don't really care about anything. I'm numb, and nothingy, and being alive leaves me nauseous.

Days like this all seem to merge together in my mind. They're all the same anyway-- hazy, foggy, strange... and full of things that leave them totally empty. They all have that same aftertaste of nostalgia and cardboard.

Sometimes, I think that all these days must be dreams. They feel like dreams-–the way I move through them, the way I remember them, the way nothing makes sense yet I accept everything... How much do I imagine, and how much is really real?

There's a word that Heero uses sometimes in his poetry. Lifehurt. I need that. When I feel like this, I need someone to lifehurt me--need someone to make things real again. I need someone to rip off my skin and force me to feel everything. Make my every sensation intense. I need that so badly.

Lifehurt.

I need.

Everything is so perfect it's killing me.

Well, I wrote a lot of trash the other day, didn't I? I was in a funny mood. Hard to believe teenagers think apathy is cool.

Shit. I'm sounding like an old man. I really need to get out more. Maybe I should throw a party. There's got to be something coming up worth celebrating--always is--and it'll lift my spirits. There's nothing worse than indulging in self-pity. It just makes things worse. The best thing to do is get on with life, and try not to be so self absorbed. It's not as if I have any real reasons to feel bad.

'Killing the Dream' is amazing. I picked it up this afternoon and got so involved in the characters' lives, I completely forgot about dinner. I didn't even hear Hilde calling me--in the end, she had to take the MS away from me to get my attention!

I wanted to tell Heero how much I like his book, so I paid him a surprise visit after I'd eaten, to tell him my little story. I thought he'd be pleased, and I think he was, overall, although his initial reaction was a little strange.

He started to smile, and opened his mouth to speak, but then he just stopped and looked at the floor. He had me a little worried for a while, and I was about to ask him what was wrong when he looked up, and this time, he did smile.

"That's great, Duo," he said, in that soft voice he only started using recently when he finds something strongly affecting. And then he looked at the floor again, adding,

"just don't let something so insignificant keep you away from Hilde."

Before I had a chance to reply, he had returned to his normal voice and started asking if I wanted something to drink, and generally fussing over me. It was pretty obvious he was way too flustered for serious conversation--I wasn't exaggerating when I said flattery makes the guy uncomfortable--so I decided it would be best to get going. With most people, it probably wouldn't have mattered to me--I would have stayed--but with Heero, I want something substantial--I want something real. Nothing-talk can be so empty with someone who usually gives you frank honesty and genuine concern.

Hilde's upset.

She was waiting for me by the door when I got in from work today with an intense look on her face that reminded me of the days when she was an OZ soldier.

"Duo, are you avoiding me?" she said, quietly.

"What?" I chuckled, "Don't be ridiculous."

Her expression hardened, and when she spoke next, her voice sounded slightly strained. "Duo, this is serious."

"I'm sorry, I just..." Unable to find the words to explain myself, I faltered, only just managing to save myself with a warm smile to cover my uncertainty and a slight change of tack. Hopefully, reassurance would be more effective than excuses anyway.

"I love being with you! I guess maybe I have seen a little less of you recently, but things've just been a little busy." I shrugged."I'll try to make more of an effort, okay? You're my wife, and I'd never intentionally avoid you. And it's not as if we're apart that much; we went to that film together, and I'm always with you for at least some time every day. After all, we do live together! And of course, there's always the night..." I grinned at that, but she just frowned.

"You're still not taking this seriously!

"Maybe we are together quite a bit--although still, it's not as much as I'd like--but even when we are, I never feel like you're really with me! Not really!

"You avoid me in essence, if not in fact!"

She looked almost ready to explode. I never realised how stressed she's been feeling.

I expected Hilde to carry on shouting for a while longer--just get it all out of her system and done with--but instead, after that one short outburst, all the anger just--I don't know-- just died. She was left seeming so small and sad, and I wanted to put my arms around her, comfort her, make it better, but she put her hand out to stop me, and shook her head.

"I have to say this." Her tone was calm, and somewhat melancholy now.

"We never really talk about anything of consequence. I want to feel closer to you, but I can't seem to get you to open up, and it's making me feel inadequate. I need you to help me. I know I'm asking a lot--I know it's hard for you to talk about your feelings, and even harder to admit it whenever there's something wrong--but... I need this. At least a little." She sighed.

"You're a great man--you were a gundam pilot, a hero--and I'm truly lucky to have you. I just want to feel necessary to you."

A solitary tear made its way down her face, and it looked as if more were about to follow.

My wife never cries. Never.

She's too strong for that--we're always strong for one another.

But right then, I thought she might.

I reached towards her again, and this time, she finally caved and let me hold her.

We stayed like that for a while--Hilde almost but still not quite crying, with me holding her, trying to understand, wishing desperately that Heero would just turn up and take over. Silly, really, but that's how I felt.

After a while, I pulled back slightly and smiled, running a finger lightly along Hilde's cheek.

"Come along, hon," I said, softly, "time for dinner. You'll feel better after you've eaten."

She stiffened at that, and frowned.

"Okay, Duo, we'll do things your way, for now. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to want to talk about this again--it's a real problem and it needs discussion.

"It's not just going to go away."

And then, she turned, and walked off to the kitchen to begin preparing the food.

I'm not sure whether I believe her or not.

On the one hand, I still think she's feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment--stress from work--and it's making things appear to be a lot worse than they actually are.

On the other...

On the other hand, Hilde really was serious. She's usually bright and cheerful--like a little sun--but, with this, she seemed so--so convinced. Like when I met her first.

The difficulty is, once you start looking for problems, you're bound to find them, and if you're not careful, you start picking and picking at them until everything falls apart.

In trying to make them better, it's so easy to make things worse.

I don't know what to do. So I'm going to Heero.

End Part 2

(:./psyche/best2)