08-Nov-2004
Title: Tetractys: Binah, IV
Author: Sol 1056
Rating: R for violence and language, some adult situations
Pairings (currently): 1xR, 1x2x3, 2x3x2, 4x5xM
Disclaimer: no, don't own 'em... duh.
Archived: sweetlysour and gwaddiction
Critiques: always welcome, natch!
Heero remained where he was, studying the rest of the team around him. Wufei and Quatre had exchanged a quick glance with Meiran, and Quatre had immediately joined Doro in coming up with a list of locations to check. Lena had gone to find her staff, to inform them of the team's delay; finding Hil was a higher priority.
Trowa, though, had glanced towards Duo and away again, and then gotten up and sliently left. He'd said nothing to no one, but his 'comm was on; Heero could hear Trowa humming softly under his breath. It was the tune Heero had heard when he'd gone back to their room.
Lena had said the situation would be difficult. He didn't want her to get hurt, but he realized, watching her speak with Quatre and Doro about the news from the shuttle port, that this new world's Lena was much stronger than the Relena he'd known. Older, more experienced, and wiser in many ways; certainly she was wiser than he.
"I'm gonna go find Trowa," Duo said, and slipped from the room.
Heero remained in his seat, thinking of when he'd gone back to the room to take a shower. Trowa's shoulders had been hunched, protective, and he'd looked surprised, even perhaps defensive. When he'd left the bathroom, Trowa had been gone, but the notepad was visible in the top of Trowa's bag. Curious at the lack of a new song lying somewhere he could find, Heero had pulled out the pad only to find whatever Trowa had been writing was gone. The imprint of the words was pressed through to the blank sheet. Tilting the pad to the light, he could faintly read the lyrics.
Despite the promises you hold, in the end I know that all I have is me.
Heero repeated silently the last lines of the song, only paying half-attention to the conversations swirling around him, and coming through the 'comm.
No one sees... Am I invisible? Can you see me?
It made him ache; another layer of confused emotion turning him about and upside down. When Duo had touched him the night before, he'd felt frightened, uncertain, in a way he hadn't since he was a child. When Lena had touched him, he felt like the warmth of her hand had branded him, a mark invisible to all but he. When he'd woken to find Duo in bed beside them, there had been something both right - and wrong - about it.
He wondered if that were because he didn't want to share Lena, or because he'd seen Trowa standing behind Meiran, green eyes shuttered, shoulders tense. Trowa didn't often stand with his hands in his pockets, his head down, unless he was closing himself off while he thought.
He wanted to tell his teammates that it would be fairer to exchange, but sensed it wasn't yet the right time and place. Whatever stood between Trowa and Duo remained, despite his mediocre attempts to help them reconcile. That tension between them, the imbalance - he could feel it as though it were a tangible thing, and it confused him.
Quatre returned to the room with Doro, reporting the shuttle station had granted Hil a runway for departure the night before. Her destination had been the Foundation base in Thessaloniki. They were awaiting a response from the loyal forces holding that area.
Heero watched Quatre's commanding movements, caught the business-like tones, the stern look indicating Quatre's banked anger that a team member had gone off without notifying anyone. Heero frowned, and realized what he'd unconsciously concluded: if anyone could assess Trowa and Duo, it would be Quatre, who often knew Trowa better than even Trowa. But now was not the time for that, either, Heero told himself, and perhaps never again. Simply because Quatre had always mediated in the past did not mean he should continue to do so. In fact, the imbalance Heero was seeing between Duo and Trowa might in fact be a result of not having Quatre there, as he'd always been. That was a liability, Heero knew.
"I found Duo and Trowa," Lena announced to Doro, her words shoving Heero from his contemplation.
He looked up to see the two men in the doorway. Duo stepped closer to Trowa, though not close enough to touch. Trowa was staring at Quatre, across the room. He seemed oblivious to Duo's movement, and after a second, Duo left the doorway to sit by Wufei, who had come back to the table with a star map.
"She left Thessaloniki. She took a direct line, and would have intercepted this LEO." Wufei pointed out the path. "They didn't request a route, and she didn't offer." He snorted. "They say they had no reason. The Gundams are allies of Sanq, and they knew her from the attacks on Turkey."
"Did you notify Thayer?" Quatre studied the chart, and glanced over at Doro, who narrowed her eyes at the name. "He'll know who's scouting that area."
"Sent a signal on broadband," Wufei replied.
"I want to know where she's heading," Doro cut in. "I'm not going to wait for that reprobate to take his own sweet time. He's never assisted--"
"He assisted us plenty," Meiran said, scowling. "It's the rest of Peacemillion that was damn hard to please."
At a look from Doro, Lena shut the door and joined the rest around the table, coming to stand between Doro and Cat. Doro leaned against the table, hands planted wide; she stared across the table at Duo. No one moved, and Duo was perfectly still for a long moment before nodding.
"Fine." Duo took a deep breath, and glanced at Trowa, who moved to sit beside him. "But I'll warn you... her future's linked with ours, just like you two," he told Doro and Cat. "You're almost as much of a black hole as Meiran and Lena, now." He lowered his head, a frown marring his brow. "I don't know how much detail I'll get."
Heero got up, instinctively going to stand behind Trowa, hands on Trowa's shoulders. Duo noted the movement with a tight smile, and closed his eyes.
Hil tapped out the code, and opened the low-level link that would run under her signal to the military resort satellite.
"Come on, Uncle," she muttered. A second later the line crackled, and she closed her eyes in relief.
"Okay, ready? These puppies are a bit strange, but you'll get the hang of it soon enough." Thayer's voice was a distant, but warm, reassurance. "First, activate the converters in the DDCUs. That's to provide secondary power while you counter-thrust during landing."
"The green button?" Hil checked the main relay; the Foundation was taking its own sweet time registering her request to be assigned a shuttle bay. If they'd already determined she was in a stolen shuttle, her goose was cooked, twice over. "What about the Node 1 MDMs? I can't find the GNC-1 or 2, to transition to--"
"You don't need to. That's part of the new modifications on this shuttle." Thayer sighed heavily. "RPCs are closed automatically when the converters kick in. It'll take about thirty seconds to initialize and transition before you can begin the process of falling into spin."
The light blinked, indicating the station control had accepted her signal. She hit the auto-reply recognition message with a grin. "All clear. Moving to six hundred feet, to begin quarter-circle." She hesitated. "I still do that in these shuttles, right?"
"You got it, girly. I'm closing out this link. That close, they'll pick up the interference and tag you. Good luck. We'll be waiting."
"Thanks," Hil said, and closed out the line. Kicking up the power, she cut back and let the shuttle drift into position, the side boosters flaring as she turned until the angle was correct. The satellite's tower sent messages of confirmation, but Hil mostly ignored them except to punch back acknowledgement. She deactivated the steering jets at three hundred feet, letting the docking interface work mostly on drift.
The shuttle slid into the bay, settling down with a light thump when the station's artificial gravity hugged the shuttle downwards. Hil took a second to breath through her nose at the shift out of zero-g, fighting off the momentary nausea. Hitting the unlock mechanism, she straightened her uniform and went to meet the young ensign waiting to inspect the cargo.
Hil signed the forms with the name Thayer had given her, and nodded politely at the salutes. She was almost positive she was supposed to have a higher rank than the grunts running the unloading machines, but that worried her less than the possibility that she wasn't supposed to leave the station while they dealt with the shuttle.
But when two of the enlisted men waved her towards the shuttle station doors, she took the chance and strolled off, doing her best to act perfectly normal. It had been a few years since she'd infiltrated. She wasn't as good as Cat had gotten, but she'd learned her lessons from Duo quite well. The secret to stealth was to simply belong.
She moved through the station, glancing sideways at the maps in the public areas. It wouldn't be out of place to be uncertain, but she didn't pause for long, assessing her path quickly based on the map's outlines for the Foundation mall and shops, the hotel areas, and what little information Thayer's crew had been able to rustle up. Hil stepped into a side hallway, digging out the pass-coder to get into the employee areas. She reversed the military jacket, revealing a conservative black coat that buttoned up under her chin. It might not be exactly like the employee uniform, but hopefully was close enough that in the dark off-hour hallways she wouldn't be stopped on sight alone.
The service hallways were deserted, and she moved down them at a quick pace, her fingers crossed she wouldn't have to backtrack and thus get noticed on any security cameras. Taking the employee elevator up, she waited anxiously but kept her face bored, almost sleepy. At the top level, she got out, checking both ways before digging the flat envelope out from the back of her pants and under her shirt.
Around the corner, she ran into a guard heading in her direction.
"I'm lost," she told him, with a smile. "I've never been up here before. I'm supposed to take this to the Empress."
"Oh." The man looked like he was Thayer's age, and she could see the lines of exhaustion around his eyes. He studied the package, and held up his hand. "I'll take it."
"I really shouldn't. My supervisor said I had to make sure it got there," Hil told him, smiling. She kept the package just out of his reach. "You look so tired. How hard do they work you up here?"
"Skeleton staff right now," the man said, grunting. "Well, if you don't mind the hike, do it yourself. It's at the far end of this floor. About a mile." He waved her on, just barely covering a yawn, and Hil thought her legs were going to give out in relief.
She continued down the hallway, empty package in hand, nodding politely to those she passed but not making eye contact. It had been a huge risk, to go along with Thayer's assumption that the Foundation's military resort would operate much like a civilian resort. That meant employees, non-military staff performing the little duties like deliveries, laundry, and cleaning. Hil was ready to sit down and take a nap by the time she came upon the satellite's observation deck. By her estimate, Mariemaia's office should only be a few hundred more feet, at most, but she paused to take in the view through the observation windows.
The windows stretched from floor to ceiling, displaying the earth in all its majesty. Suspended before the earth was a small communications satellite, its dishes and antennae creating an odd shape of darkness in front of the earth's shadow, rimmed by the sunset. Hil paused, sensing something wasn't right, and turned in a circle, scoping out the shadows along the hallway, the heavy drapes.
"Who's there?" Her voice wasn't nearly as strong as she'd hoped, but she held her ground.
"Me," someone replied. "Who are you?"
Hil frowned, pivoting to face the direction of the girl's voice. "I'm delivering something for the Empress," she said.
"Oh." The drapes rustled, and a shape stepped away from them with a sigh. "That's me."
The figure was silhouetted against the sun's last rays, but it was enough light for Hil to see the vibrant red of the Empress' hair. What startled her more, though, was the listless posture, the crossed arms, the hunched shoulders. Hil looked around, noting the security cameras pointed along the hallway; she made a quick guess of the directions.
"Good," Hil said, and instead of moving towards the Empress, she moved sideways about ten feet. This should be a blind spot, she thought, and held her breath, hoping her guess was true. "This package is for you."
"Mail?" Mariemaia sounded intrigued for a moment, then shrugged. "It's probably for Alexander. You can take it to his office... " She waved her hand towards the hallway. "Down there," and then she turned her back on Hil, to stare down at the earth.
"No," Hil said, almost unable to find her voice. "It's for you, your Excellency." Nothing in Mariemaia's demeanor was what she'd expected; in fact, she'd expected a woman whose awareness of her surroundings would have pushed Hil's own skills to the limit. She certainly hadn't expected this disinterested, forlorn girl.
"Me?" Mariemaia turned, frowning slightly, and moved to stand in front of Hil, reaching for the package.
The blade in Hil's right hand snicked softly. Its presence was masked by the package, but the sound made Mariemaia pull upright, hesitating.
"Don't move, Empress," Hil said, in a low undertone. "I can slit your belly before you can draw breath to scream, and trust me, it's not a pretty way to die. Where's Zhiyi?"
"You're Hilde Scheibeker." Mariemaia's face drained of all color. "The pilot of Deathscythe... I saw your pictures." She frowned. "I thought you were taller."
"I'm the one holding the knife, I'll make the smart comments," Hil informed her. "Where's Zhiyi?"
"Oh, no... " Mariemaia's voice cracked. "You're going take her away from me!"
Hil blinked. "Well, duh," she snapped. "What did you think we were going to do? Leave her here? You should have been expecting us sooner."
"I guess." Mariemaia nodded, her shoulders dropping. She made no move to get away, nor did she really seem to notice the blade's point pricking her stomach. "But when no one did anything, I thought... " She shrugged, turning her face away from Hil. "She's my only friend. Do you really have to take her back?"
"She's not a candy box prize," Hil said, annoyed. "She's my niece, and my best friend's daughter. We've been worried about her--" And why am I explaining this to the damned Empress of the Earth Sphere Foundation? Hil narrowed her eyes at Mariemaia, wondering if it were a trap. "You should know all this," she said, flatly.
Mariemaia sighed, and shook her head. "I didn't really think about it." She shrugged. "Zhiyi's down the hall. Sixth door on the right. She's expecting me, anyway."
"Expecting... " Hil shook her head. This is too bizarre, she thought. "Zhiyi is your prisoner."
"No!" Mariemaia looked shocked, then the expression faded into sorrow. "Maybe. Sort of. But she's... she's been nice to me. She talks to me, tells me what it's like... down there." Mariemaia looked over her shoulder at the earth, a dark ball with only the far edge a glimmer of gold. "What people really think, I mean."
"They hate you," Hil said, before she could stop herself. Mariemaia flinched, and Hil had to suppress the urge to apologize.
"I know." Mariemaia shrugged, hugging herself tighter. "Well. I guess you want to see Zhiyi, now." She turned, showing the way, and Hil blinked for a second before hurrying to catch up. Mariemaia kept her head down, her footsteps slow, almost reluctant. "Next week, when I'm not Empress anymore... do you think Zhiyi could come back? To visit some more?"
"I can't believe this," Hil said, keeping her voice low but tempted to scream. "This is not a slumber party. You kidnapped Zhiyi and kept her prisoner. You drugged her. You've used her for your--"
"I didn't want to drug her," Mariemaia protested, a spark of fire coming into her eyes. "Alexander said I had to. But then... " She frowned, and tossed her head. "I don't have to explain myself to you."
"Fine," Hil muttered, unable to keep up with the shifts in Mariemaia's mood, and not sure what she'd gotten herself into. "But you realize that there's a good chance that in one week, you'll still be Empress. And you'll still have a million billion, a gazillion, people who hate you and will die to be free of you."
Mariemaia made a hissing sound. "No. The cease-fire is a good thing. People will figure out how to have peace, and there'll be no more Foundation."
"Why?" Hil came to a halt, rounding on the younger woman. "Because you say so?"
"Well... yes." Mariemaia looked confused. "That's how it works."
"That's not how it works," Hil retorted.
"Alexander said it would!" Mariemaia made a face, her hands on her hips. Her height was a few inches taller than Hil, once she drew herself upright. "If the people decide they want to be free, then I'm going to dissolve the Foundation. Then people will stop fighting, and stop dying. Everyone will be happy."
"It's an admirable dream, and I sure as hell wish I knew what drugs you're on that made you come to your senses," Hil muttered, "but it's a still la-la land, Empress. An entire organization like the Foundation doesn't just up and roll over because some girl at the top decides she's bored."
"I am not just some girl at the top! I'm the Empress!"
"You're not acting much like it," Hil replied, a bit dryly.
Mariemaia frowned, and Hil sighed, admitting to herself she was completely lost. She shoved down the thought that Duo could've charmed the girl into whatever he'd wanted, and tried to focus on what she could do, herself.
"One question," Hil whispered, keeping the blade at Mariemaia's stomach, but pulling away just an inch so it wasn't so close. "You say you want peace, but tell me honestly. What do you really want? What do you dream of, at night? What's your greatest wish?"
"I wish my father were still alive," Mariemaia replied, ducking her head. She was quiet for several heartbeats, before she caught herself and raised her head, her expression fierce. "But since I can never have that, I wish I could be someone he'd be proud of... and I guess I realized that I'm not." She gave Hil a small determined smile. "But I will be."
Hil nodded, recognizing the sentiment, and not sure whether she was right to not hate herself for seeing a kindred spirit. "Fair enough."
Mariemaia's smile became shy, and a little sad.
"We got off on the wrong foot, I think." Hil lowered the knife, but kept it at the ready. Something told her she'd get farther with the right words. "The thing is, even if you're serious about wanting peace, and freeing the world--"
"I am," Mariemaia insisted.
"Okay, you are." Hil took a breath. "The fact is, people fight to defend what they have. Make sense?"
Mariemaia nodded, a bit suspiciously.
"Right. And all those people down there, and here in the colonies, are fighting desperately to protect what they've got, and they've got next to nothing. They're willing to die for so little," Hil said, a sense of desperation lending her words urgency. "Now, if that's how hard people will fight when they have nothing, how much harder do you think they'd fight if they have everything, and you're trying to take it all away?"
"But... " Mariemaia's mouth fell open, her lips moving soundlessly.
"The Foundation controls everything." Hil didn't relent. "They have the land, the fuel, the money, the food. All those people in the upper ranks, living the good life on the backs of the people who have nothing."
"But... " Mariemaia shook her head abruptly, then stopped, her eyes going wide. "Oh, no... "
"What?" Hil glanced around them, expecting someone to leap from the shadows, given Mariemaia's alarmed expression.
"Alexander," the younger woman said, raising a hand to her mouth. She chewed on her fingernail, her gaze distant. "I've been hearing him talk to Doctor Darrow, about some kind of gateway. I don't know what it is, and he won't talk to me about it, but the other night he was saying something about... " She paused, a puzzled look on her face. "I don't remember exactly. But he was annoyed... He wanted it figured out? Or completed," she mused.
Hil felt like she'd been punched in the gut. "Gateway," she breathed. "Fuck. I need to sit down."
Mariemaia blinked, and caught Hil by the elbow, dragging her into the nearest doorway. She punched a code and the two slipped into the dark room. A soft glow came on, revealing walls of books. Hil stumbled towards the chairs in the middle of the room, grouped around the table. Her brain was no longer processing enemy or friend, only panic.
"You... " Hil took another breath, trying to get her heart to calm down. "You don't know what the gateway is? At all?"
"Is it bad?" Mariemaia looked concerned.
"You know about the ten Gundam pilots?" Hil waited for the girl's nod. "The five new ones came through a gateway."
"Oh." Mariemaia made a face. "Well, that seems pointless. Why would we want more Gundam pilots? They just run around and blow things up." She pursed her lips, resting her elbows on the table, and in the low light, she looked younger, not older, but ageless at the same time. "It's like a door or something?"
"No." Hil didn't want to explain in too much detail, but it was too late now to dissemble; she was effectively locked in a room with the Empress of the entire Earth Sphere. "The gateway is a crack in the time-space continuum, that opens a path from this universe to some other universe. From what we can tell of these parallel universes, it's almost like the ones around us are the ones most like us. Maybe if we opened bigger cracks, we'd find ones in which there are no colonies, or no Gundams, or even no war. But the ones we found are all... well, they're a lot like us, with a few variations - that's how we could find a world with Gundam pilots."
"Are there other... " Mariemaia stopped, and waved her hand. "No. Stupid question. Okay." She squared her shoulders, and gave Hil a firm, if anxious, look. "What happens when you open one? I don't understand why Alexander would want to find out... can you plan which kind of world you'll get?"
"No," Hil said. She set the package down on the table, but slid the blade up her sleeve, keeping it handy. "I don't know if Darrow thinks he could, but we didn't give him a lot of information about how we did it, just general stuff. Each gateway was pretty much a crapshoot. Pure chance. We opened plenty before we found the other pilots."
Mariemaia considered that, and Hil could see the questions moving across the young woman's face. Her public appearances had given Hil the impression the girl had a strict poker face, but now Hil realized how much Mariemaia had probably always held herself in line. With that control gone, her expressions were variable and quicksilver.
"If... Alexander," and Hil realized Mariemaia meant the younger Duke Dermail, "wants a gateway, what could he want to bring from somewhere else?"
"Or," Hil pointed out, "he's going to send something from here to there."
"If you don't know where it's going, that doesn't make any sense," Mariemaia whispered. She slunk down until her cheek was pillowed on her arms, her blue eyes large and frightened. "That's it. He's getting ready to destroy the cease fire," she told Hil, solemn. "That's why he keeps nodding and smiling when I tell him it'll work, that it'll bring peace. He's not worried at all, but it's not because I'm right. It's because... " She broke off with a sob, and closed her eyes.
Hil waited, not sure what to say or do.
Mariemaia came to her feet with a gasp, leaning over the table for a few seconds, as though dizzy. "I'll show you to Zhiyi," she said. "And I'll help you get her out--"
"Wait," Hil interrupted, making a choice and hoping it wasn't the wrong one. "Do you have access to the Foundation's systems? Email, intranet, something like that?"
"In my office," Mariemaia said, shrugging. "What for?"
"Let me see those systems, get me into them, and you keep Zhiyi safe. And I'll do my best to keep Alexander from undoing the chance at peace," Hil offered. "We have a deal?"
"I keep Zhiyi... ?" A slow smile grew across the young woman's face. "You're not going to take her back?"
"Not now," Hil said. "But we will, when this is done. Do I have your word on that? You'll keep her safe, and sound, until we come for her again?"
"Yes," Mariemaia said, nodding emphatically. "I can go get her. You can see her, and she'll tell you that herself."
"Show me to your office, and I'll get into the system while you do that. Will I be interrupted?" Hil tucked the blade away, and straightened her uniform, prepared to act the part of servant.
"Not if I tell the guards to stay out," Mariemaia said. In the blink of an eye she'd lost her forlorn slouch, and was standing elegant and determined at the library's door. "It's just a little ways down the hall, on the right. Don't say anything, and I'll take care of the rest."
Hil knew she was taking a big chance, trusting the Empress, the woman who'd hunted them all across the world and back again for nearly a decade. But in that moment, she could only see a young woman on the brink of adulthood, on the brink of finally comprehending that she was not the center of the universe.
"My turn to ask you something." Mariemaia slanted a sideways look at Hil; her hand was on the doorknob, waiting. "What do you want? What's your greatest wish?"
"That the one I loved could come back to me, alive and safe," Hil said. "That will never happen, either. But at least I can live up to the legacy he left behind."
They stared at each other for a long moment. And then, on some unspoken signal, Mariemaia opened the door. They began the silent walk towards her office.
Duo sat bolt upright, a shudder wracking his frame, and Cat tensed, noticing corresponding ripples through Trowa's and Heero's bodies. The table rattled, and Heero grunted, his face creased in concentration. Duo slumped in the chair, his face pale. Instantly Heero was at Duo's side, keeping him from falling sideways.
"I'll be... " Duo gasped, clawing at Heero's hands. He moaned, turning sideways to bury his face against Heero's chest, oblivious to the audience. His words were muffled, his body shaking.
Cat raised her eyes to see Trowa staring down at his partners; Heero, kneeling by Duo's chair, and Duo, hunched over and holding on for dear life. Trowa's face was white, his breath coming in quick gasps.
"Trowa?" Doro prompted.
"It's... " Trowa coughed, and caught the edge of the table, his knuckles white from the pressure. "The meeting in Geneva's a trap. The Foundation is going to sabotage... "
"What? Where? I need specifics," Doro said, almost sharply. Cat put a hand on Doro's arm, and Doro shook it off.
"Doro, stop," Cat said, and caught Doro by the elbow again. "Give them a minute."
Quatre, on Doro's other side, leaned back, his arms crossed. He seemed displeased, and Cat shook Doro slightly, jerking her head towards Quatre. Doro stopped, lowering her head, and turned away, to face Lena.
Cat waited, not releasing Doro, but her gaze returning to Trowa's eyes, too bright in his stricken face.
"Trowa." Lena's tone was soft. "Take a breath. Do you... do any of you need something? Water, a drink? Should Duo lie down?"
"He'll be okay," Heero answered, hoarsely. "But water, please."
Meiran got up, pouring two glasses from the jug on the sideboard. She returned to the table, holding one for Heero and one for Trowa. Heero helped Duo drink, and handed the glass back to Meiran just in time to catch Duo before he passed out.
Cat nearly came to her feet, but Wufei caught her, pulling her back down. Heero stood up, Duo slumped in his arms. Wufei got up as well, taking Duo's other arm and supporting the rest of his weight, helping Heero. No one spoke as the two navigated Duo out of the room. When the door shut behind them, Cat noticed a flash of longing across Trowa's face, quickly followed by a frown, as though he were trying to cross out the momentary naked disclosure. Trowa set the glass down on the table, and stared at it for several heartbeats before speaking.
"He tried to follow Hil's path, but it's... " Trowa shook his head when Meiran tried to offer him more water. "She's at a juncture. Every second, the future changed... He tried following so many threads, from each of you. But in the end, the one thing that remained constant is that the Foundation's going to attack Geneva, with the intention of killing all the leaders of the rebel countries."
"Along with the leaders of their own loyal countries," Cat whispered, stunned.
Trowa nodded, and rubbed his forehead. "Not everyone will live out the week," he muttered. "I don't mean on the planet. I mean... in this room." His gaze averted, he came to his feet, and lurched towards the room.
Cat immediately jumped up, dodging Wufei's vacant chair. In one step she was at Trowa's chest, her arms around him as he swayed.
"I've got you," she told him. "I've got you."
"Everything he saw," Trowa told her, but his eyes didn't seem focused on anything. "Every second... Zhiyi lives, dies, Hil lives, dies, we all... " He squeezed his eyes shut.
"Mariemaia," Doro interrupted. Cat looked under Trowa's arm to see Doro staring down at the table, that look she sometimes got when finally introduced to a chess problem she couldn't solve immediately. "What about Mariemaia?"
"Chaos," Trowa said. "Madness, death, despair, victory, hope." He sighed. "Love. On so many threads, she's joyful, but there was little to tell what had caused that."
"Take him," Quatre ordered Cat. "Get him to lie down, and tell Heero and Wufei to get back here."
"I don't... " Trowa closed his eyes, sagging, and Cat had to brace herself to keep from falling over. Trowa shook his head. "I can... "
"Barton, shut up, and go chill for an hour," Quatre snapped. "You're no good to me if you're burnt this badly."
Trowa nodded, stumbling towards the door with Cat supporting his weight. In the hallway, Cat shut the door on the quiet murmurs between Doro, Quatre, and Lena. She wrapped both arms around Trowa, shuffling at his side on the slow progression towards the room he'd been assigned.
"Not all of us will make it," Cat whispered.
"I don't want to talk about it," Trowa said. "I don't want to see it." He closed his eyes, letting Cat guide him blindly. "I don't want to let any of it be real."
"Just because you can see the future doesn't mean it's set in stone," Cat told him, stopping at his door. She hugged him closely. "And just because you can hear my thoughts doesn't mean that's all that I think or know."
"There is no real future," Trowa said, his eyes closed. "All we have is right now."
"Maybe." Cat leaned back to look up into his face, one so similar to the man she'd called brother, and yet a decade older, a decade sadder. She brushed the long lock of auburn hair out of his face, smiling a little when his eyes flickered open, a glimpse of green behind the lashes. "Grab onto the moment that makes you happy, and follow that into the future. That's what I say."
Trowa closed his eyes, turning his face away from her.
"Why are you so sad? Why are you so willing to give up?" Cat wanted to shake him, but settled for hissing at him, quietly, in the empty hallway. "You have so much, and you... Why do I get this feeling you'd sacrifice yourself, too--"
"You would, too," Trowa replied. "You know if that's what's required, that's what we'll do. I'm a soldier. That's all I've ever been. A mercenary fighting other people's battles."
"I get it," Cat told him, suddenly understanding. "It's not that you don't believe in the future. You don't believe in hope."
"There's no point."
"There's always a point," Cat retorted. "Hil told me that, and I didn't get it. I thought she was an idiot for insisting, when I couldn't see any reason to keep going. I just wanted it over. I thought if I could pick the time and place to do the most damage, that was good enough."
Trowa frowned, his eyes closed, but he seemed to be waiting. Cat ignored the wetness on her cheeks, and clung to him, half holding him up, half holding him to her.
"It's not enough to do the most harm," she whispered, refusing to let him go until he'd at least acknowledged her words. "That's not the point at all. You've got to pick the time and place where you can do the most good."
"There is no good," Trowa replied, but without a great deal of conviction. "It's all just a matter of--"
"No, you bastard," Cat said. "My brother sacrificed his life, and I hated Quatre for killing him. I hated Duo for not going after him. I hated Trowa for dying, but I get it now. It's not that he failed by dying. It's that he succeeded, because he saw the greatest good he could manage, at that moment, and he followed that future."
"He still died." He dropped his chin, weary. "And I'm still not him."
"You don't need to be him. Let me love you for you."
"Me?" Trowa stopped, a frown creasing his brows. His eyes opened, wide and bewildered. His voice was so young to Cat's ears, when he spoke. "But I'm not... " He looked helpless, lost.
"You're you." Cat opened her arms, letting him fall into her, his face buried against her shoulder and neck. "That's what's important to me. Not the past, but the here and now, from here into the future, whatever that might be."
"I want... " Trowa broke off, his breath hot against her neck, his cheeks damp on her shirt. He was quiet, his shoulder shaking, and she held him close, making reassuring sounds, her hands running up and down his back. Gradually he quieted, pulling away from her with a sigh. "I'm sorry," he said, not meeting her gaze.
Cat frowned, but smiled at the same time, teasing him. "You don't have to apologize for being human." She reached past him, to knock on the door. Heero's voice answered, and she pushed the door open, guiding Trowa into the room. "Get some rest," she told him. Duo was on the bed, curled into a little ball, and in that flash of naked emotion on Trowa's face, Cat glimpsed the truth. She sighed, and pushed Trowa towards the bed. "Go on, kiddo. Follow your heart."
Heero's head came up, and he gave Cat a startled look. Behind him, Wufei looked amused, though his gaze on Trowa was grim.
"I guess the similarities are greater than we realize," Cat told Heero in an undertone. "I never met my world's Heero, but my Trowa did."
Trowa had crawled onto the bed, facing the door. He wrapped himself around Duo, who moaned and curled up tighter; Duo's hands caught Trowa's shirt and pulled him close. Trowa's eyes opened long enough to catch Cat's attention, and then he smiled shyly, his eyes closing as he drifted off to sleep.
"Very well," Wufei announced, nodding briskly. "Let's leave them to recover. We've got an apocalypse to prevent."
"All in a day's work," Cat replied, following the men out. The air felt heavy with tension, and she cast around for words to lighten the mood. "Y'know, I've always wondered what's the plural of apocalypse."
"Duo," Heero replied, grinning wryly.
End Part 36
(:./sol/tetra36)
