"CUT!" yelled a brown-haired girl in a brown fuku that looked a lot like the one Miaka was wearing. Nearly identical, in fact. But her skirt was longer to prevent the likelihood of panty shots. Who was it... ? Why, it was Talya Firedancer!
<The author pauses to take this moment to apologize, and beg permission, for this blatant self-insert. She's hating herself right now, and doing due penance. After all, that term paper still awaits... >
"Thank the gods that's over... " Umi muttered, tearing up her cue cards.
"PUU!" Mokona blurted, wiggling a little from his vantage point... of viewing up Umi's skirt.
"MOKONA!! I'm gonna f#^&ing kill you!" Umi screeched, taking off after the little white puffball.
"Ah, Tamahome... " Miaka murmured, staring deeply into her husband's eyes.
"Miaka," he murmured back, eyes lighting up.
"Tamahome... "
"Mi---ACK!" Tamahome blurted, as a scarf was shoved into his mouth, and another one tied securely around it.
Nuriko giggled. "THAT should give us some peace and quiet," he observed, handing a huge plate of food to Miaka.
Miaka squealed and superdeformed, chowing down.
Hikaru sweatdropped. Umi paused in her chase of the white spheroid-disguised devil to sweatdrop.
"PUU!" Mokona blurted.
Umi resumed the chase, pulling out a HUGE mallet from hammerspace.
"Thanks, Nuriko," Talya said gratefully. "I could tell they were starting to build up... "
"Where are the refreshments?" Hikaru asked politely. "After all that, I'm building up an appetite!"
Hotohori raised one willowy arm and pointed majestically. Nuriko squealed and glomped onto him, snuggling against him blissfully. "Hotohori KAWAII!" he exclaimed.
"Uh... " Talya sweatdropped, remembering who she'd put in charge of manning the Newlyweds banquet table. "Uh, Hikaru, you may not want to go over there... "
"Nonsense! I'm so hungry I could eat Mokona!" the pink-haired girl replied, beginning to walk towards the banquet table.
Talya shrugged and turned to the two huge swimming tanks, still filled to the brim with jello. The gelatinous mass still bobbled faintly in the passing breeze, or maybe from the exertions of... hm, nevermind.
"I don't think we should disturb them," she decided decisively, and turned to join Hikaru at the refreshments.
"AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!"
"That would be Hikaru!" Talya exclaimed brightly, as Hotohori and Nuriko detached their faces long enough to goggle. Tamahome spat the scarf out and stood up, eyeing his wife pigging out, and sighed.
They jogged over to the refreshments quickly. Standing behind the table were two tall, very handsome men with their arms around each others' waist. One was tall and thin with a shock of black hair, partly confined by a gold circlet. The shorter young man was also thin, with a shock of white hair and a gentle smile.
"Lantis! Eagle! What are you---" Hikaru exclaimed, eyeing the duo with a shocked expression. Shock only began to describe it, actually.
"We got married," Lantis rumbled in his deep voice.
"He decided to make an honest man out of me!" Eagle added with a playful wink.
Hikaru's eyes trembled. "Does this mean no more threesomes?" She dashed off before either of them could stammer out an answer.
"Heh... " Talya grinned weakly, as Nuriko, Hotohori, and Tamahome stared at her with blank incomprehension. Miaka continued to scarf the food, pausing to drop her plate and stand by the buffet table, using both hands.
"God... that... was... GREAT!" an exhausted-but-completely-satisfied voice announced, as Duo appeared, smeared with the remains of lime jello, and collapsed bonelessly next to the buffet table. Somewhere along the line he'd lost his shirt and pants and was clad only in boxer shorts. "Did we win?"
Talya paused to wipe drool from her chin. "Uhm... ano... "
"GET BACK HERE YOU PSYCHEDELIC PUFFBALL!" Umi screamed, wielding a mallet as she chased Mokona over the buffet table, using Miaka's head as a springboard, took a swing and narrowly missed Eagle, and did a somersault, ending up in a heap at Tamahome's feet.
"PUU!!" Mokona trilled his triumph at eluding psycho-Umi, leaping gleefully in the air.
"JAOU ENSATSU KOKURYUUHA!" a deep voice snarled out, and an immense black dragon shimmered through the air, hurtling towards the repulsively puu-ing spheroid, smashing into it with earth-shaking force. The black dragon's wickedly-toothed jaws yawed open, then snapped up the deformed, retarded bunny, chewing it up.
With a yacking exclamation of disgust, the Kokuryuuha spat out Mokona. It hit a nearby tree and slid to the grass.
It lay on the ground, insides leaking a syrupy clear fluid. "puu... " Mokona sputtered weakly, one last time, and expired.
Silence.
Then, "Ding dong, the witch is dead... " came from Umi, faintly, her face still buried in the grass. If there had been any men around who CARED about a panty shot from Umi, one surely would've occurred at that moment.
"Hiei!" complained an alto voice, as Kurama walked up to the refreshment table, gorgeously-defined upper torso sheened over with a light film of green jello. "What've I told you about gratuitous displays of violence?"
"Hn. It turns you on?"
Talya used her hands to manually shut her jaw and noticed Hiei approaching, just as Heero popped up next to her.
"Augh! Don't do that!" she exclaimed, as the brown-haired Japanese pilot silently presented her with a mostly-crushed maraschino cherry. At the same time, Hiei flickered forward and in his outstretched palm, too, was a cherry, much worse for the wear.
"Geez, what did you DO to these cherries?" Talya exclaimed. She sweatdropped. "Nevermind. I don't want to know. Um, you can have 'em; they're all yours."
"Who won?" Heero and Hiei growled simultaneously, then speared each other with vicious stares.
"No one," Talya replied smugly. "While you guys were in the tubs getting it on, the timer expired."
"#^(&(*#*!" the two young men yelled, swearing a blue streak. Talya frowned, then she grinned mischievously, then she pulled a pen and notepad out of kasa-space and started taking notes. Hiei was more creative than Heero, but Heero was more lyrical. Then she realized Heero was actually starting to chant some nine inch nails lyrics.
Duo blew a kiss at his raving spouse. "You promise?" he asked hopefully. "Later?"
"How long was the timer?" Kurama asked curiously, munching on a sesame roll from the refreshments table.
Talya grinned. "Thirty seconds."
"Thirty seconds!?" Duo gasped, getting up slowly. A blob of jello slid down his ear and bounced off his shoulder to the grass. "Not even HEERO would be able to... um, *you know... * in thirty seconds!" He looked indignant. "At least not if he knows what's good for him!"
"So nobody won?" Tamahome asked, a slow grin creeping over his features.
Talya chuckled. "Nope. The game was rigged."
"Omae wa korosu!" Heero yelled suddenly, then stomped off. Duo shrugged and started wolfing down some sushi.
"Ne, Talya," Tamahome began earnestly, sidling up to her. "I've been meaning to ask you... this is a *yaoi* fic, right?"
Talya shot him her best what-are-you-an-IDIOT? look. Tamahome looked sheepish. "Yes, of course it's a yaoi fic! What else did you think I wrote!?"
"Ano... then why are Miaka and I in the fic?"
A slow smile spread over Talya's face. "I am SO glad you asked."
Suddenly Tamahome looked nervous.
A blue ki erupted out of nowhere, overwhelming everyone with tremendous power, and Hiei drew his katana. Umi and Lantis pulled out their magic swords. Eagle shook free some gleaming wire. Kurama pulled out his Rose Whip. From gods-know-where (considering he was only dressed in boxers and lime jello) Duo produced a gun. Hotohori and Nuriko broke from their extended clinch, assuming fighting positions as Hotohori called up his Deity sword. Tamahome's 'oni' symbol blazed red on his forehead.
Nakago emerged from the brilliant blue light, a gorgeous blond-haired bishonen dressed in a mostly-chest-revealing white shirt, and tight black leather pants. He smirked at the assembled fighters, and lifted his fist to throw a ki-blast---
The brilliant blue bolt of ki sizzled forth, hitting food-scarfing Miaka and incinerating her in a single strike.
"MIAKA!" Tamahome exclaimed, the volume of his cry shaking the heavens. "YOU'RE DEAD! HE KILLED YOU!"
Nakago turned to Tamahome, that same little smirk playing over his features.
Tamahome glomped onto him. "MY SAVIOR! Now I'll never have to deal with her grocery bills ever, ever again!"
Nakago pulled his head back by the hair, staring into the Suzaku seishi's eyes, then licked his cheek. Then, keeping a firm grip on his hair, he dragged him off into some convenient nearby bushes.
"Eeeewww!" Umi exclaimed. "Is that his idea of foreplay!?"
"Hn. Direct," was Hiei's only comment, and Kurama threw him a teasing glance.
"You *would* like it," the redhead noted.
Heero returned, a manic glint in his eyes. He was trying not very hard to conceal something behind his back, in his fist.
"Heero," Duo said suspiciously. "What did you do?"
Heero only chuckled.
Duo pounced on him, and the two boys went rolling off across the grass, tussling furiously.
"Gimme that!"
"F^&* no!"
"Gimme that!"
"Die!"
Talya helped herself to more food.
The threat from Nakago averted, Hotohori and Nuriko relaxed. Nuriko turned back to his husband, eyes beginning to shine.
"Ne, Hotohori, have I ever told you you're *beautiful?*" the purple-haired seishi asked breathlessly, clasping his hands.
"Yes," the emperor sighed, stowing the Deity sword back in hammerspace. "But you can always tell me again."
Everyone else sweatdropped.
"Nuriko!" Hotohori said with firm resolve. "There is only one thing for us to do. We are simply too beautiful. It was inevitable."
"Die in each other's arms?" Nuriko suggested, face beginning to wilt. "That would mean no more s---"
"AUGH! Stop!" Umi yelled, stuffing her fingers in her ears.
Casually Nuriko backhanded Umi, making it seem like an accident, and she went spinning off into orbit, coming eventually to rest, we are told, in the land of Chizeta where she was forced to confront her deep-seated psychological uneasiness regarding dancing Jinn expressing their inner feminine qualities.
"Oops," Nuriko giggled. "Gomen."
No one seemed terribly upset.
"No, we don't need to *die,* Nuriko," Hotohori corrected, then he looked thoughtful. "Unless you're referring to the Shakespearean-age use of that term, which puns on sexual orgasm... "
Talya sweatdropped. When had Hotohori been reading over her shoulder while she did her homework?
"What I meant was... " Hotohori struck a dramatic pose, flipping glorious, sparkling black hair over his shoulder, "we should join a beauty pageant!"
"Yatta!" Nuriko cheered enthusiastically. "With our looks, how can we lose?"
Bigger sweatdrop.
Several loud noises began to float towards them, coming from the nearby bushes.
"What's that?" Hikaru demanded, strolling up. "It sounds like two animals locked in a death struggle!"
Talya giggled.
Kurama paused, took her aside for a moment, and whispered something in her ear. Slowly, Hikaru's face turned brick red. Then she glanced over at Lantis and Eagle, nuzzling next to the buffet table, and fumed.
"It's not fair!" Hikaru wailed. "Why did I have to be written into a yaoi fic!?"
"I can take you out of it just as quickly," Hiei offered, red eyes gleaming. He put his hand to the hilt of his katana.
Hikaru edged away. "Uh... no... that's okay," she replied hastily. She joined Kurama at the buffet table, and he offered her a yellow rose in consolation.
"Why yellow?" she complained. "I like red better! Or pink, to match my hair!"
Kurama smiled impishly. "Yellow means ‘just friends.'"
Hikaru stared. "Well you don't have to rub it in!" she groused.
Duo started to limp towards Talya, battered, bruised, with teeth marks standing out clearly against his neck and hand, and blood streaming from a gash on his forehead. "Talya-san... "
He flew off his feet, as Heero grabbed hold of his braid and yanked. Something hurtled from Duo's hands, and reflexively Talya grabbed it out of the air as the two GWing boys began to wrestle fiercely again.
"Dammit Duo, you just blew my mission!"
"Heero you maniac! You'll kill us all!"
"That was the POINT!"
Talya looked at the object in her hands. It was a small detonator.
"Heero!" she snapped, and the boys paused mid-struggle. "Did you wire Cefiro with explosives?"
Heero glared at her, and didn't answer.
"Was it because you tied with Hiei?"
This time Heero aimed his maniacally murderous, intense cobalt blue eyes at Hiei.
The Koorime snorted, crossing his arms casually over his chest.
"That's not very honorable!" Talya protested. "If you're so pissed at him, why not just challenge him to personal combat?"
Heero's and Hiei's eyes acquired a definitely homicidal gleam.
"Oh no you don't!" Kurama exclaimed firmly, at the same time Duo exploded with a "F#&* no!"
"I want my spouse intact in one piece after we leave this stupid fanfic!" Kurama said with a steely-eyed expression.
"Yeah, our honeymoon isn't over yet!" Duo added, glaring over at his spouse. "I still have plans for him!"
Lantis guffawed.
"You'd really let us fight?" Heero inquired suspiciously, eyeing Talya through narrowed eyes. "Those ditzy girls wouldn't let us fight during the game... "
"Yeah, well, this is the cast party," Talya shrugged. "Enjoy. Just don't kill each other."
Hiei smirked.
Nakago and Tamahome emerged from the bushes, sheened with a light sweat. "Did we miss anything?"
Hiei and Heero were starting to face off. Hotohori and Nuriko were clinching under the buffet table, blissfully oblivious to the world. Mokona's body had turned into a puddle of corn syrup. Lantis and Eagle had lost interest in the impending battle and were starting to make out, Lantis blushing and protesting at first because they were in public. Kurama and Duo were screeching at their spouses like enraged fishwives, hurling threats, insults, leftover lime jello, and miscellaneous items from the buffet table. And Talya had crossed her arms over her chest, watching it all eagerly.
Tamahome eeped as Nakago raised an eyebrow, then dragged him right back into the bushes.
Duo darted over to Talya and whispered something quickly in her ear.
"Eh?" Talya eyed him, disappointed. Her mouth twitched. "I suppose so... "
Heero had pulled out a small mobile cannon from his a$---er, hammerspace, and was flipping a few switches, humming "Flight of the Valkyries" under his breath. The white wards wrapped over Hiei's arm had begun to smoke and seethe.
"Heero! Look! It's a karaoke machine!" Duo yelled, pointing.
"Huh?"
Heero leapt off the cannon and in the next heartbeat he was standing at the karaoke machine, belting out a strong rendition of Blur's "Boys who love girls who do girls like their boys... [etc.]" Duo grinned and flounced over, tossing his disheveled braid over his shoulder.
Hiei growled and started towards him, hands glowing with black fire.
"Hiei!" Kurama frowned, planting hands on his hips. "Don't you dare!"
"Why not?" the fire demon snarled.
"Because you're pregnant! And you're not going to risk our babies!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Hiei howled, shooting a look of absolute betrayal at Talya. "You promised!!"
Talya smirked, hiding it behind a cough.
The mobile cannon began to beep, a red light flashing.
"Uh... Heero?" Duo blinked.
Heero stopped singing long enough to give his spouse a malicious grin, and shot another flat glare at Hiei.
The cannon went off in a soundless explosion of red light, a tremendous beam of red energy shooting straight at Hiei. The explosion rocketed up in a small mushroom cloud from the point of impact, as Kurama stared in disbelief. He fell to his knees, stunned.
"HIEI!" he shrieked in anguish.
Heero sneered in triumph.
Hotohori and Nuriko paused long enough in their groping to stare at the mushroom cloud.
Then the smoke began to dissolve, and Hiei stepped calmly out of the remains of the explosion, death in his gaze. "This means war," he informed Heero, who – at the failure of his cannon to blow Hiei to smithereens – looked suddenly as if his favorite toy truck had been smashed.
"Dammit!" Talya yelled desperately. "Stop! Or I'll be forced to use my Ultimate Fanfic Author Attacktm!"
"Which is?" Heero inquired, tone low and dangerous.
"I'll... I'll... " she faced Heero, pointing at him. "You! I'll write you into a lemon scene... with WUFEI!!"
Heero paled.
She faced off with Hiei. "You! I'll write you into a lemon scene!"
Hiei smirked. "With who?" he demanded. "You buncha hentai chicks have pretty much paired me up with every major villain... "
Talya smirked right back. "A lemon scene with KUWABARA!"
Hiei choked. At the mention of his nemesis, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he passed out.
Talya took a moment to pause at the unlikelihood of this. Hiei was, she reasoned, weakened by releasing the Kokuryuuha earlier, and then surviving that cannon explosion.
Talya put her hands on her hips, and turned to Heero and Duo's spouses. "Why don't you take them home?" she suggested. "Hell, you can BOTH have the prize."
Heero looked suspicious. "What *was* the prize?"
Eagle goggled. "You never even bothered to find out?"
Heero looked flinty.
"The only thing he cared about was winning," Duo explained.
Talya beamed.
"The prize is... " She paused for dramatic emphasis. "A $5 gift certificate for Sailor Moon merchandise!"
Sweatdrops appeared on Duo's, Heero's, and Kurama's foreheads. "NANI!?!?"
Talya shrugged. "Whadjya expect, a trip to the Bahamas or something? I'm a poor college student!"
"But five dollars won't buy us ANYTHING... " Duo whined. "Not even a cool Sailor Saturn wall scroll!"
"Or a miniature Eva model," Heero grumped, his self-defensive selective hearing having blocked out "Sailor Moon" entirely.
"Or a Passionate Singing edition CD," Kurama pouted.
Talya stuck her tongue out at them. "Bpeetah! You should've asked first, before agreeing to join the game, if you were so concerned with what you'd win!"
Duo and Heero grumbled at her.
Talya sweatdropped and eyed Kurama. "Ano... Kurama, what're you doing?"
The youko looked up. "Baka, what does it look like I'm doing? I'm tying Hiei up! I borrowed some of that shiny wire stuff from Eagle... I *think* it should hold long enough... "
Duo and Talya grinned as Kurama hefted his spouse up, and carried him off into those convenient bushes. Duo eyed Heero suggestively.
"Don't even think about it," Heero said, stone-faced, going over to the mobile cannon to dismantle it.
"But Heero!" Duo protested. "Everyone ELSE is making out... "
Heero glanced around. Hmm, it seemed to be true.
"You wouldn't want to look like a quitter or a shirker... " Duo continued persuasively. "Unless you're too tired from earlier?"
Heero scowled darkly at his spouse. He was, as Duo well knew, unable to resist the challenge. Then he marched forward, snatched Duo's braid in his hand, and hauled the American pilot off his feet, heading for those *remarkably* convenient, thick, screening bushes.
"Owowowowow... " Duo yelped as he was bounced and dragged across the turf.
Talya disappeared in a rush of fire. Her work here was done.
---The End---
Possibly featuring:
Seishirou and Subaru
Trowa and Quatre
Tamahome and Nakago
Hiei and Kuwabara
[Jaou ENSATSU---]
...EEP! just kidding Hiei!
Lantis and Eagle, maybe.
COMING IN JUNE!! KOENMA & BOTAN'S NEWLYWEDS GAME!
(:./talya/newlyweds4)
