30-May-2003
edited: 04-Jul-2003
Title: Little Red Running Shorts
Author: Kitty Chou (love_nuriko@hotmail.com)
Archive: GW Addiction
Category: Fluff, Yaoi, OOC
Pairing: 1x2...and 1x2x5, I suppose
Disclaimer: *clears throat* I do not in any way, shape, or form own Gundam
Wing or it's wonderful characters! I just pull them out to play and then
clean them up and put them back when I'm done! I'm making no money and if
you sue me you will receive no money because *shock* I have none. I also
don't own Little Red Riding Hood, the Bible, Jack and the Beanstalk, Hansel
and Gretel, or Who Wants to be a Millionaire. There is a story within
the... storybook "The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales" by Jon
Scieszka (illustrated by Lane Smith), which is also entitled "Little Red
Running Shorts". But this is not that story... and that is not this story...
So if you are looking for that story, you wont find it here, but you WILL
find it in "The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales".
Rating: R
Warnings: craziness, language, innuendo, lime (sort of), yaoi-ness, OOC
Spoilers: None whatsoever! This is my mind on crack!
Author's Notes: I wasn't going to post anything besides X Faction until I
finished X Faction, but I'm writing Chapter Four right now (Chapter Three
will be out in another day or when it's all beta'd) and I'm getting writers
block. So I needed to release my blog, and this is it. Sorry if there are
any errors...I'm not going to even bother sending this to my big bundle of
Spammy-ness. It's too...silly.
Feedback: Please send feedback to love_nuriko@hotmail.com.
Once upon a time... No, no. Too cliché. In the beginning... Too biblical. Ah, I know! In a small village next to a big, scary forest there lived a young man named Duo. This young man enjoyed running around in a small pair of red running shorts, so his friends would call him 'Little Red Running Shorts'.
Well actually, they never called him that. If they did, Duo would grind their bones to make his bread. No, wrong story. He would put them in a cage and fatten them for eating. No! Anyway, the important thing is, he killed them and did horrible things with their remains. So, nobody called him 'Little Red Running Shorts'. Except for me, but I'm the narrator and he can't touch me. So there.
Anyhow, today Little Red Running Shorts was going to run through the big, scary forest so he could deliver a basket on the other side. His friends begged him not to go.
"We beg of you! Don't go!"
They told him horrible things lived in the forest.
"Horrible things live in the forest!"
Lions and tigers and bears.
"Oh my!"
Shut up. Truth be told, there were neither lions, tigers, nor bears in the big, scary forest. Just gorgeous, horny wolf-men.
"Really? Hey Duo, can we come too?"
NO YOU CAN'T COME!!! What the hell is wrong with you village people?! Is this Perverted Village?! No, I think not! Now beg Duo not to go!
"Don't go without us, Duo!"
I just can't win, can I? <sigh> So Duo left the small village, despite the...protests of his friends, and went into the big, scary forest. He soon became frightened by the way the darkness seemed to press in on him.
"Hey this isn't so bad! Look, I can see the sun!"
AHEM. He soon became FRIGHTENED by the way the darkness seemed to press in on him.
"Oh, right. Oooohhh! What a dark, scary forest! And I'm all alone and defenseless!"
Melodramatic much?
"Hey, I'm genuinely frightened here!"
Right. Anyway, after Little Red Running Shorts had gone about halfway through the forest, he was stopped by a gorgeous, horny wolf-man.
"Stop."
I hate you. I hate you so very, very much. <sigh> The wolf-man revealed himself to be Heero.
"Hn."
Whatever. Heero-wolf was obviously very happy to see Little Red Running Shorts.
"I'm very happy to see you."
"No, Heero. I think she means your 'Perfect Soldier' there."
What? Dammit, Heero! You aren't even wearing pants!
"Wolves don't wear pants."
You aren't a wolf! You're half a wolf!
"Hn."
"I don't mind!"
Shut up, Duo. Just pretend he's wearing pants. Back to the story. Heero-wolf asked what Duo carried in the basket, for he was very curious.
"Hn."
"Glass slippers. My God kid has Prom tonight."
No, that's Cinderella... sort of.
"Yeah, but it's more interesting than food for Granny! I don't even have a Granny, you know! So how the hell is that supposed to work?"
You don't have a Granny? Oh dear, I better consult the manual. Hmm... Lets see... 'In the event Little Red Riding Hood, or any similar parody, does not have a Granny, Little Red Riding Hood has the freedom to decide what she is carrying in her basket and why.' Oh dear God...
"Alright! Weapons! I'm going to go kill that psycho-bitch Relena! Wanna come Hee-chan?"
"Aa."
Hold it! Duo, you can't kill Relena!
"Why not?"
Because you have to wander off the path while Heero-wolf kills her.
"What?! Dammit! That isn't fair! I changed my mind, I want a basket full of sex toys!"
Too late. It's like 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'. You already gave your final answer. Besides, YOU were the one who wanted to be Little Red Running Shorts. So quit your bitchin. <clears throat> Heero-wolf asked where this 'psycho-bitch Relena' lived. Which was silly, because he was leaning on a sign that read, 'Relena lives this way'.
"Itchbae."
Yeah, well you deserved it. Duo pointed to the sign the wolf-man was leaning on and laughed.
"HA HA!"
Okay... Heero, miffed at both Duo and the narrator, showed that he had turned the sign when he leaned on it. So Duo was going in the wrong direction.
"What?! There's only one freaking path! How could I be going the wrong way?!"
Because you have to stray from the path so Heero can go eat Relena.
"Oh goddammit. Why thank you ever so much Heero-wolf! I would have wandered for hours in this big, scary forest if not for you! However can I repay you?"
"..."
Now, now! There will be no furry perv sex in this story!
"You suck, narrator."
Like a vacuum. So Little Red Running Shorts pranced down the wrong path, leaving Heero-wolf to smirk evilly as he planned his next meal.
"Aww man! Do I have to prance?"
Yes! Prance! Prance like a fool! <maniacal laugher> Anyway. <cough> Heero-wolf stalked down the path, plotting the doom of Relena. When he reached her big, pink house, he knocked on the big, pink door and waited. When she answered the door in her big, pink dress, she was delighted to see him.
"Heero! What a pleasant surprise! I'm so delighted to-" BANG.
Heero-wolf pulled a gun from... actually, I'm not sure where, and shot Relena between the eyes. He then proceeded to eat her.
"I'm not eating her."
But you have to eat her, Heero! It's what the wolf does!
"Omae o korosu."
You can't kill the narrator, Heero.
"Hn."
Oh fine! You big baby! He then proceeded to drag her into the backyard and bury her in her prize-winning posies. Happy now?
"Aa."
Meanwhile, Little Red Running Shorts discovered that he had gone the wrong way and backtracked to the main path.
"Yeah, discovered..."
Once on the main path, he pranced off to Relena's house, intent on killing her.
"Not anymore I'm not. Now I'm just intent on kicking Hee-chan's ass for killing her without me."
Er... anyway... When he arrived at Relena's big, pink house, he found that the big, pink door was already open, so he went inside. He went up the big, pink staircase to Relena's big, pink bedroom where he found Heero-wolf wearing... Heero, you're supposed to be wearing Relena's big, pink nightdress.
"Hn."
<sigh> Duo found Heero-wolf wearing nothing and laying in a very naughty manner on Relena's big, pink bed.
"My Heero, what a big-"
DON'T! Just don't even go there! I can't take this anymore! I used to narrate actual fairy tales! I was in high demand! Now look at me! I'm narrating a perverted, gay parody of 'Little Red Riding Hood'! How did it come to this? You know what, I quit! You guys want to have furry perv sex, go ahead! I'm out of here!
"Narrator?" Duo asked, looking up. "Narrator, come back! We'll behave! Oh, now look what you did, Heero!"
Heero wasn't listening to him though, he was checking a stop watch he'd pulled from under Relena's pink pillows. Duo looked suspiciously at him. "What?"
"Ten minutes," he smirked, holding up the counter. "I win."
"What?! No way! Let me see that!" he examined the stopwatch. "Oh fuck."
"Aa," Heero agreed. "I win. I top."
~THE END~
... I suppose you want the furry perv sex scene, don't you? <sigh> I'll see what I can do.
Heero grabbed Duo and tossed him on the bed. He then proceeded to rip off all of his clothes in a very wolf like manner. Well... it would be wolf-like if wolves wore clothes, but they don't, so oh well. They were interrupted suddenly as the door flew open.
"Don't worry, Little Red Running Shorts! I'm here to-" Wufei was cut off by the pair of little red running shorts which landed on his head. He let out a manly shriek and pulled them off his head. "What the hell are you two doing?! This is supposed to be a fairy tale!"
"We're having a furry perv sex scene!" Duo told him happily while Heero bit his neck.
"Can't you two go through one lame story without having sex?!" Wufei demanded, putting his axe on the floor. He was carrying an axe because he was the huntsman. I wasn't sure if you got that or not.
"No," Duo mused, putting a finger to his chin. "I really don't think we can. You wanna join us?"
He did.
~THE END FOR REAL THIS TIME~
There, that's as much of a furry perv sex scene as I'm doing! Okay, now that I've done that silly waste of writing, I think I'll go finish Chapter Four. Chapter Three will be out in a day or two! (it's being checked for boo-boos)
(:./kitty/shorts)
