August 2001
Warnings: AU, fluff, yaoi, lemon-scented, slight Relena-bashing
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or The Crocodile Hunter, or any of the characters from them. This was written for the enjoyment of me and my friends and is not for profit. And Steve, if you're reading this - please don't hunt me down! It was meant as a joke, really!!! And besides, Kwycksylver made me!!
Prologue
[scene fades in]
[a smiling man in an 'Australia Zoo' uniform stands beside a lovely, similarly-clad woman]
Australia Zoo Man [broad Australian accent]: Hi! I'm Steve, and this is Terri. Welcome to one of our most dangerous adventures ever, in a special episode we've decided to call: Bishounen Hunter!
[theme music comes up while credits roll over scenes of exciting encounters between Steve and various animals]
[scene fades back to the Australia Zoo pair, now sitting in camp chairs]
Terri: A recent survey has shown that there are fewer wild anime bishounen today than ever before, and that those that still survive are coming into more frequent, and more violent, contact with man.
Steve: So we're determined to find, and capture, one of the little beauties for relocation to a special preserve.
Terri: To that end, we've received the wholehearted support of none other than the former Queen of the World, Miss Relena Peacecraft!
[a sweetly smiling young woman with honey-blond hair appears and takes a seat in one of the camp chairs]
Relena: Thank you, Terri, Steve. It is my pleasure to help; it is a cause dear to my heart.
Steve: You've been very generous - the land, the operating budget, the shelters...
Relena [leaning forward eagerly]: ...the breeding pens, so I can sleep... [she breaks off and sits back slightly, smoothing her long skirt over her knees] ahem... so I can sleep... at night... knowing that their chances of survival are... improving [she smiles sweetly at the camera]
Steve: er... Right! But it'll be a wild and dangerous ride along the way! So let's go!!
[shots of a team, less Relena, dashing to several jeeps laden with various equipment - nets, cameras, sections of a cage, etc. The jeeps roar off while Relena waves.]
Part 1
[scene cuts to Steve and Terri standing in a desert, wearing bush hats]
Steve: We're here in Arabia, one of the most dangerous places on Earth! There are scorpions, poisonous snakes, sandstorms, and of course, the blazing sun. Yet there are rumours of repeated sightings of wild bish deep within this perilous environment.
Terri: We've come to the Oasis of the Nine Palms, where travellers have supposedly seen a pair of anime bishounen. This rare sighting could yield valuable information regarding the mating behaviour of wild bish.
Steve: Check this out!
[scene cuts to Steve, crawling up a sand dune]
Steve [speaking softly over his shoulder]: We've come across a disturbing sight - another hunter. [he points over the top of the dune]
[scene slides up and over the dune, focussing on a man lying in the shade of the overhanging dune. He is wearing a red fez with a loose pants and vest combo over a T-shirt that reads "I Auda be in movies". His eyes are closed and he is snoring softly.]
[camera pulls back to show Steve again]
Steve: The bad news is: he probably isn't here to hunt bish for conservation purposes! But the good news is: we're on the right track! Check this out...
[he points again, sweeping his finger from the sleeping man, down the dune, to a beautiful little oasis complete with a sparkling pool of blue water, a tethered camel and nine palm trees]
[camera zooms in to the shady side of the pool. The image shimmers and wavers in the heat, but it is just possible to make out something pinkish- brown, stretched out on a bright red area on the ground. One end rises smoothly out of the brilliant patch, while the other end seems to consist of two roundish blobs, a pale yellow one below and a reddish-brown one above. The middle of the figure appears to be rising and falling repeatedly in a languid rhythm]
Steve: Now, it appears that hunter has put out some bait to attract the bish. That bright red bit looks like a camel blanket or something. The pair have apparently started using this bait as their nest - so they will return to it again and again, and the hunter can be assured of his prey.
[Steve starts sliding back down the dune]
Steve: We'll work our way closer, but we'll have to be careful. We don't want to alarm our quarry, but we also don't want to wake up that hunter! If we're lucky, we'll snatch those bish right out from under his nose!
[scene cuts to Steve at the top of another dune]
Steve [speaking softly] It's taken us a while, but we're much closer now. The bish are just over this rise [he wriggles up the last few feet and peeks over]
[the camera view goes up and over the dune to show the same oasis from a different angle. To one side are a couple of rumpled red camel blankets, to the other, the tethered camel. In the centre is the pool of blue water, and in the pool are the two bish, wrestling and splashing. One is blond, short and slender. The other is auburn-haired, taller and more generously muscled]
Blond Bishounen: Ha! But I can hold my breath longer! [he dives and pulls the other bish under the water]
Steve [whispering]: Don't worry, they're only playing. Shows of strength are a common mating behaviour. What a pair of beauties!
[camera lingers on flashes of the wet, sleekly-muscled bishes, laughing and trying to dunk each other]
Steve: OK, we're ready for the final stalk. We'll try to capture both the bishounen, but anything can happen!
[scene cuts to Steve, now hiding behind a small bush, smiling and pointing]
[camera angle raises slightly to show the wild bish, once again on the camel blankets. There is a brief view of the blond rocking over top of the other, who is on his back with his feet somehow behind his own head]
[Steve charges forward, net whirling]
[the bish break apart with a startled cry. The scene blurs as the blond one flings up double handfuls of sand]
Steve: Haaaaa! You little devil! Umff! Got you! Aaah, no you don't!
[scene resolves to show Steve sitting on top of a bundle wrapped up in camel blankets. Blond hair pokes out one end of the roll. There is no sign of either the net or the taller bish]
Steve [shaking one hand vigorously]: He bit me! Crikey, he's a feisty one! Sure hope he isn't poisonous! Anyone see where the other one went? [he looks around] No? Well, at least we got this one...
[scene cuts to Steve, now with a bandaged finger. It is just before nightfall]
Steve [walking over to a bamboo cage]: Our little beauty is right in here. He was really nervous, wouldn't settle down at all, so we put the camel blankets, his 'nest', in with him, and that seemed to calm him down some.
[camera focusses on a heap of brightly patterned felt blankets, in the middle of which one blue eye and a bit of tousled blond hair can be seen peeking out.]
Steve: Now, in a situation like this, where we know there's another bish out there, the mate of this one, we'd be fools not to try to use the one we've got to lure in the other. It's not yet known if anime bish mate for life, but if they do, we want to keep them both happy - and together! We'll set a trap first thing tomorrow morning.
[one of the crew, a young man with an overly-long bang covering half his face, approaches and offers Steve a round pan with some food in it]
Steve: Right. Now here's what we're planning to feed our little guest. Since he's been living in the desert, he's probably used to desert food - some dates, mixed with a little other fruit, a little meat, a few leaves from the palms, some grain that he might have been able to steal from the locals. A little of everything, to see what tempts his appetite.
[he slides the pan into the cage carefully]
Steve: We'll check on him again tomorrow, and see how he's doing...
[scene cuts to Steve, looking chagrined. It is early morning, and the wind blows Steve's hair around as he talks]
Steve: Well, we've had a major setback. The bish we captured yesterday...has escaped. [camera swivels to show the empty cage]
Steve: As you can see from these tracks [camera obligingly swings down to show them] the other bishounen came right into camp last night. We never heard a thing! Somehow between the two of them they managed to get some of the lashings loose, and the little blond bish wriggled out.
[closeup of three cage bars moved out of position, leaving a hole]
Steve: Their tracks head off into the desert, where they apparently left together on a camel. This kind of symbiosis is not unknown in the wild.
[camera swings back up to show Steve's face]
Steve: We would have followed right away, but for some reason the jeeps won't start. To make matters worse, the wind has picked up, and the bish tracks are being erased. [he shakes his head] We're not going to able to track them, and it's unlikely they'll come back to this oasis after such a scare, so we'll just have to keep our chins up and hope for better luck next time!
[scene fades out]
