10 Jun 2000
DISCLAIMER: All Gundam Wing characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai Visuals, Sotsu Agency, and Asahi TV. This work is not written for profit, but for entertainment purposes only.
WARNINGS: Shonen-ai (will become lemon); angst; some sap (my fault, not Tzi's) Pairing: 6x5/5x6 (Implied 13x6, 13x5)
>I know it hurts right now but you've got to keep moving on
And I know how good it can feel when you're safe and withdrawn
But he can live in our memory and you don't yet have that choice
'Cause you're still here and to speak to me you're gonna have to use your voice<
Sleep hadn't evaded him that night, nor had it left him searching any night since. For some reason, sleeping was easier on his little pallet in Zechs's house than it had been for a long time -- a very long time, perhaps even before the war had started. Something of himself seemed to be growing inside of him again, a reclaiming of who and what he was, what he had been... something that was separate from the overwhelming grief of Treize's loss, the explosion of his entire life in a single rebellious blast.
He couldn't believe he was enjoying Zechs's company so much.
Zechs had felt the gradual easing of tension as as well, but *his* primary reaction to it was overwhelming relief. He liked his world to be orderly and once he and the Chinese pilot had established an order, he was much happier.
One bare foot pulled up into the kitchen chair in which he sat as he cupped a mug of coffee in his hand, taking an easy swallow. The coffee Zechs made was much more mellow stuff than Trowa always had, and he liked it. He liked a lot of things about staying with Zechs.
Maybe too many things.
Zechs was fixing breakfast since he still hadn't let Wufei near the stove. They were having muffins, fruit, and sliced ham and the blond was just shutting the oven door, having taken out a fragrant muffin pan. "I'm going to the bookseller's today," he said, casting a critical eye at the muffins he was extracting from a very hot pan. "It's the one in the old city. Are you interested in going along?"
If Wufei'd had long ears, they'd have perked up at that point. "What sorts of books do they have?" he asked, trying not to appear quiet as eager as he actually was.
"A bit of everything, really," Zechs said as he handed a napkins, plates, and silverware to the boy, a silent request to set the table. He refilled the coffee carafe and sat down with it at the table, filling both of their cups. "A lot of antique books, a few of the better new ones. Unusual things, mostly, that you wouldn't find in any other place."
It only took a few seconds for Wufei to sort things out and get them to the appropriate place, even from where he was sitting, but it was long enough to remember that he had no money to speak of whatsoever. Still... he wanted to go. "I'd like to go if you don't mind," he replied. At the very least, he could immerse himself in the remembered smell and texture of the books, and he knew he'd be unable to resist at least that much!
"Good. We'll leave right after breakfast." The rest of the meal passed uneventfully. Zechs drank his coffee and tore apart the muffin, eating it in small chunks and surreptitiously studying the Chinese boy. He had begun to regain some of his weight and the circles under his eyes had all but disappeared. /And today we'll see how his energy is coming along. I believe he's almost back to normal.../
Zechs realized something as he spoke the last sentence silently to himself: he was anxious about Wufei's impending good health. Not that he begrudged the boy feeling better -- not at all -- but with his health back, Wufei would very likely want to leave; to go back to being his solitary self and it was with a fair amount of consternation that Zechs realized that he didn't want the boy to leave.
Sensing a certain weight in the air, Wufei chose not to speak, instead devouring breakfast methodically. Eating had become as easy as sleeping had once again, and that was a most excellent thing, aside from the strange things Zechs sometimes attempted to feed him. While none of it had been ~bad~, by any means, it had also been food to which he was yet unaccustomed, and Wufei had the feeling that the slightest twitch of dislike would leave the tall blond disappointed. Somehow, for some reason he couldn't quite touch or define, Wufei didn't want that to happen and so... he'd eaten. "When will we go?" he finally asked, a little impatient for the experience.
He missed his books desperately, had for over a year and always would, now. That brought a slight sense of unhappiness to the day, but he'd learned to thrust such thoughts away and not think about them much.
It was better that way.
"After we clean the kitchen, of course," Zechs said archly, standing and carrying dishes to the sink. "I'll wash and rinse - you dry and put away." The small house Zechs had found, off an small, unassuming square on the eastern side of Luxembourg was a small treasure in everything but the conveniences department. And in keeping with that theme, it had nothing but a sink in which to wash dishes.
The tall blond ran hot soapy water and began washing, always a soothing task. /If he leaves, he leaves. It's not like I'm attached to him in any significant way.../ An irritating thought bullied it's way into consciousness. /But perhaps you are attached. Can you really say you wouldn't miss him were he to go?/ Frowning into the dishwater, Zechs tried to clear his mind of the thought but it stubbornly refused to go away.
"Yare, yare," Wufei said with a little sigh, picking up the dishtowel and beginning to dry them. Once, he'd actually tried to convince Zechs that, left on their own, the dishes would dry with absolutely no help from either of them.
That hadn't gone over very well. Zechs had simply told him, "Yes, I know," and handed him a dishtowel.
It had been quite difficult NOT to laugh.
When the last speck of food has been cleaned away from the counter, Zechs agreed the kitchen was clean enough and that they could leave. The blond walked to the small closet in the front hall of the house and took out a supple leather jacket that he slipped on over a soft linen shirt and jeans. Black leather boots and sunglasses completed the outfit and now he waited by the front door for Wufei.
To tell the truth, Wufei wasn't so sure going anywhere with Zechs *was* a good idea, in that moment. The light came in just right through the window in the front door, turning platinum hair into a halo, and he felt downright shabby in comparison. Sighing shortly, he moved to pull on his taichi and stood next to the tall man quietly, glancing up momentarily. "Ready?" he asked simply, gathering the white over-shirt that was working on becoming a rather dingy gray despite Zechs's bleaching and pulling it on to button it.
Zechs led the way to the car, casting a sidelong glance at Wufei. They were on the road and headed toward the Old City when the blond finally spoke. "Care to tell me what you're thinking about?"
The overwhelming urge was to simply say no; but the look that sometimes came on the other man's face, somewhere between hurt and contemptuous anger... Wufei didn't like it. "About the books. How it will be nice to smell them and touch them again," he said quietly. That *was* part of what he was thinking about. No need to say he was still feeling inferior to the blond angel seated so close to him. No reason for that at all. It would just hurt both of them because then Zechs would be upset and Wufei would be even more upset and there was no use in that.
"Yes, it will be good to have them around again. I'm going to be looking for some histories and perhaps a book or two of essays. What kind will you buy?"
With those words, he bit his bottom lip sharply and looked out the window. "None... but it will still be nice to see them again..."
"None?" Zechs looked over at the boy in disbelief. "You strike me as the type to worship books. Why would you say -" Abruptly, he stopped speaking as he realized the boy's position. "Wufei," he continued quietly, now looking only at the road. "It is my well-considered opinion that part of your recovery involves significant amounts of reading. You *will* decide on books you wish to read and we *will* purchase them." Not wanting to betray the sudden tenderness he was feeling, he added, "I simply won't have you moping around the house when you could just as well be reading."
A warm flush rose up in Wufei's face and he blinked quick tears away before he turned to give Zechs a sharp-eyed glance, stating for the second time since they'd met again, "You're BOSSY." There was no particular censure in that statement; indeed, there was, perhaps, something more of warmth as he turned to look out the window again at the passing countryside.
/This is too confusing, Treize. He's so nice... is this what you would have wanted? Why do I feel so guilty because he's so nice?/ New tears were harder to blink away, but he managed it.
Zechs looked over at the boy, one pale gold eyebrow raised. Then he smiled, and murmured, "You don't mind *that* much, do you?"
The blush that still heated Wufei's cheeks didn't go away. "No," he said finally. "Not really."
Zechs looked over again, noticing the boy's glistening eyes for the first time. Carefully, he lifted a finger and traced the edge of it just under Wufei's lower lashes, catching a tear as he did so. "Don't cry," he said gently, his voice low and sweet. "If you want me to, I'll stop interfering."
That made it worse somehow and Wufei shivered as another fell loose. "No," he whispered. "No. It's... I don't mind. Only... sometimes... it's too much, don't you see? No one else..."
The blond man's heart sank. It was as he had feared, now and then on sleepless nights - that the pilot's independent streak was balking against Zechs's need to protect him. Soon, no doubt far *too* soon for Zechs, Wufei would start resenting him and would decide to leave. And oh, how Zechs would miss him.
"I'm sorry, Wufei. I never meant to be - well, I didn't mean to be that way."
Silence passed between them as another hot shard worked its way from beneath black lashes. "Oh," Wufei said finally, turning his face to look out the window again. /So you don't care, either. I *am* an obligation, a burden. Always will be.../
"It's just that..." Zechs paused for a moment, wanting to explain, not frighten, wanting to get the words right. "I seem to have this absurd desire to protect the people I care about and I know at times it's probably not what they want, maybe not even what they need." His fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter. "I just wanted to protect you, Wufei" he added, voice nearly a whisper. "I didn't mean to make you feel smothered."
That was a jolt of pure shock and Wufei turned back to look at Zechs, mouth open in surprise. "Smother me?" he asked dazedly, blinking slightly. "I... You mean... you wanted to? And it's not just because... just because Treize...." He bit his lip tightly. /I'm not making any sense at all!/"That is to say, you're doing this... because of me... and not because of some obligation you feel that you haven't fulfilled?"
Zechs cast a glance at the dark-haired boy and then frowned. "Of course not. Perhaps that first day I *did* feel some obligation towards you... because of Treize. But if that had been the only thing between us - that is, if that had been my only motivation I don't think we would still be together. Ah - staying together, that is... no, what I mean is - oh hell!" He pulled the car into a parking space in the central square of the Old City. Turning off the engine, he sat in silence for a moment, staring at the dashboard. "I didn't expect to like you as much as I do," he whispered.
The slightest of smiles crept across Wufei's mouth before he could banish it, his own gaze still on the tall blond. "No," he responded finally, looking down at his hands, clasped tightly in his lap. "I didn't expect to like you at all." /But I do... oh, I DO!/ "It would be very hard not to like you, I think," he mumbled, almost embarrassed by the admission.
Slowly, Zechs looked over at the boy next to him. Over the past several weeks, as they had tolerated, then accepted, and finally grown accustomed to each other, it became easier and easier to see that behind Wufei's prickly exterior was something infinitely deeper and more complex. /Perhaps that what Treize was able to see. He was always better at reading between the lines than I was - the difference between a politician and a soldier.../
The blond reached out and took Wufei's hand in his. He stared down at it, small but strong, and ran his thumb lightly across the backs of the boy's fingers. "Thank you, Wufei," he said quietly. "You don't know how much that means to me."
That feeling of embarrassment intensified and Wufei squirmed slightly, pleased that Zechs had touched him and more than a little afraid that he had, too. "Maybe we should go in now?" he said, trying to cover both of those emotions and doing a miserable job of it.
Zechs pulled his hand away quickly, a wave of mortification washing over him. Unwanted touches were the worst and he despised the idea that he was the kind of man to give them. "Yes, by all means, let's go." He climbed out of the car, shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and stared at the bookshop across the square. "It's over this way," he said when Wufei had joined him and headed across the strangely intimate space, fronted with ancient stone and tiny shops.
"Zechs...." Wufei began tentatively, frowning. He hadn't meant to make Zechs unhappy... honestly he hadn't, and he wasn't quite sure how he'd managed it but it was fairly typical of him, wasn't it? He'd made Meiran unhappy... And Treize....
The realization that he was thinking of Zechs in the same vein as he did the other two almost sent him into a panic as he stopped momentarily in the center of the sidewalk, a shock shivering down his spine there in broad daylight. /No! Not again!/ People he loved ~died~. They died horrible fiery deaths, always, and it always seemed to be brought on by *him*! /No, no, no! I WON'T! I DON'T!! I *don't* like him that much! I don't!!/
Zechs had taken several steps before he realized that Wufei was no longer next to him. He stopped and turned, looking back at Wufei. The wind was gusting in across the large square and he lifted a hand to tuck a few wayward strands behind one ear. "Wufei? Is something wrong?" Then more tentatively, "Is it something I've done or said?"
"N...no. No, nothing you've said or done. Nothing's wrong." There was a slight raw edge to the sound of that voice as Wufei managed to answer. "Only..." Shame washed over him and Wufei's brows knit together tightly. "Promise me something." In that panicked moment, he knew he had to have it, Zechs's word. He knew he had to, no matter how childish it might be or might seem to the other man or to anyone else.
Slowly, the tall blond walked back to where Wufei stood. He leaned down to look at the boy directly, his face full of concern. Forgetting his earlier mistake of touching the small pilot, Zechs rested a hand against Wufei's cheek. "What do you want me to promise, Wufei?" he said softly.
"Promise me you won't die," came the harsh request, black eyes squeezing tightly shut. "Promise!"
Zechs's expression softened and, without thinking, he drew the boy into his arms, wrapping him in a fierce hug. "I take my promises seriously, Wufei, and no human could promise not to *die.* We'll all die someday. But I can promise you this: that I will do everything in my power to live and that I will be by your side as long as you want me with you." It was hard for him to fathom the depth of his own words, but saying them felt like the most natural thing in the world.
"I'll protect you," he whispered, stroking the dark, silky head, "and you'll protect me, too. We'll be strong for each other, won't we?"
The display of affection was almost unbearable but Wufei nodded, wiping his face against Zechs's shirt. "Aa," he finally managed to get out, voice husky with the strain. "We will." Such a foreign concept, that 'we'. "Xie xie," came the quiet whisper as he pushed slightly at Zechs so that he could scrub at his face on his own. "I'm sorry to make such a display, only... only I needed someone, you, to say it.... at least to try..." He bit his lip hard, confusion overwhelming him.
Zechs sensed the discomfort and let the boy go. He looked down at the sidewalk a whisper of loneliness brushing through him like wind through. /What did it feel like, back then? I can barely remember. When I reached out for someone, and he reached back... When I was with someone who didn't feel my touch was unbearable.../ He looked up at the boy he'd made miserable. "I'm sorry Wufei," he said, voice low. "I know I've disappointed you. But my promise still stands. Whatever you think about it."
"Disappointed me? I don't understand...." Wufei frowned. "You haven't disappointed me... not at all!"
Zechs smiled softly. "I keep touching you, when it's clear you don't want to be touched." He ran his fingers through long bangs. "And I can't make the promise you want me to. But I would have you know that I care very deeply about you and your welfare and I will do everything I can to protect those precious things."
"I..." Wufei paused slightly, looking slightly amazed at Zechs's words. "Thank you." There wasn't much else he COULD say, though Zechs's words humbled him. It seemed so easy for the tall blond, the things he said... "It's not that I mind... In my culture, people don't touch often. Only in private... " He realized that he was fumbling and stopped.
"I'm sorry then. It won't happen again. Shall we go?" He gestured across the square.
Wufei nodded, sighing slightly and even giving Zechs what passed for a smile with him. "Yes, please," he murmured low in his throat.
End of Part 4
(:./kumiko/lvvs4)
