Title: Hide and Seek
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2x1, 3+4 implied
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Angst, Language, Lemon, POV (Duo), and Sap
Archived: Yep! Thanks Lev :), TK's Violet Haven
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. I make no money, I tell no lies...
Notes: This is only my second 'during the series' fic and my second 1st person POV fic... please be kind :)
I don't know exactly how it happened. We were talking about the next mission, and I admitted that I had a really bad feeling about it. I told him we needed to come up with our own plan if we wanted to make it out alive. One minute we were discussing who was taking the land route and who was taking the air route, the next I found myself lying under Heero on his bed as we kissed each other frantically.
Yes, Heero Yuy...Gundam pilot... Perfect Soldier... anal-retentive... suicidal... mission-oriented Heero Yuy. I was shocked myself, but it didn't make me stop kissing him. In fact, as he began unbuttoning my shirt, I let my hands slide up under his, relishing the feeling of the muscles in his back as they flexed. By the time he reached my pants, I had decided I couldn't let an opportunity like this pass me by. It wasn't every day you got fucked by the Perfect Soldier, and I sure as hell wasn't going to deny him. I'd thought about him a lot since our first meeting, and this lovely new development just mirrored several of my secret fantasies. I was ready, I was willing, and I was certainly able.
"Duo, you sure you want to do this?" he asked as he fingered my boxers.
Was he kidding? "Yeah, man. We don't know what might happen. Let's just enjoy this while we can."
It apparently was all he needed to hear. He stripped me of my final piece of clothing, letting his eyes rake over me appreciatively. It as a little unnerving to have those eyes that moved with such precision on the battlefield take me in with the same fierce attention to detail. All right, I blushed, okay? I'd never had anyone look at me quite like that before.
"Beautiful," he whispered, seeming to not even realize he'd spoken the thought out loud.
I blushed more.
He quickly removed his own shirt and shorts, and then it was my turn to look... and oh, what a view! He was compact, with enough muscle definition to keep him from looking too thin. His erection was nestled in soft brown curls, hard and leaking already, just the right size for guys our age. Mine was waving at him from my bed of chestnut, equally firm and wet. I think I was a tad longer, but that could have been just my ego measuring. In any case, we both obviously wanted what was getting ready to take place.
I'd been with a couple guys before, back on L2, before I'd hitched a ride with Dr. G. It had been okay, the sex, but nothing to write home about. I was hoping it would be better this time, especially since I'd been masturbating thinking about the guy getting ready to take me. I watched as he reached into one of the drawers of the dresser by the bed, pulling out a jar of hand cream.
Now, before you laugh, or wonder why the hell a fifteen-year-old would keep hand cream with him, let me just say one word: calluses. Piloting a Gundam is NOT a walk in the park. The controls sometimes get hot, and gripping them can be murder on your phalanges... Um... that's 'fingers' for all of you non-anatomy students. I used a mixture of Aloe Vera and Vaseline myself, but hey, to each his own. At that moment, he could have pulled out udder cream and I would have consented.
He coated his fingers with the cream and settled himself between my legs. "Have you done this before?" he asked as he placed a digit at my entrance.
I gave him a look that said 'No way in hell am I discussing my former sex life with you'. Apparently he didn't speak Maxwell, because he just waited for me to answer. I sighed. "Yeah, Heero. Just do it."
He didn't question me any further, just slid the tip of his index finger into me. I hissed at the intrusion; it had been a damn long time since I'd done this. He tensed above me, taking in the expression of pain on my face, but he didn't stop. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to get my body to relax.
"Duo, look at me," Heero's voice prompted. I looked up into deep blue, as he spoke, "This isn't going to feel good unless you let it. Instead of seeing it as an invasion, think of it as a homecoming."
Well didn't that just sound ridiculous? A homecoming? He'd never been in me, so how could I see it that way? Funny thing was, my brain latched onto that, and my body opened for him. Crazy? Yeah, but as he pushed that finger deeper inside me, I felt as though it were true. It didn't take long for him to add another finger to the first one, stretching me as he pulled them apart inside my passage. By the time he was thrusting them in and out of me, I was groaning in a rather undignified manner.
"Hurry... Heero..." I panted out.
"Don't want to hurt you," he replied just as one of his fingers touched a spot that made me arch off the bed.
"Heero! Now, damn it!" I yelled, needing to feel him inside me before I lost my mind.
He must have seen the fire of Shinigami in my eyes because he nodded, pulling his fingers free as he smoothed the remaining hand cream on his erection. "Ryoukai."
How to describe what happened next? Like I said before, I'd been with a couple guys. This was nothing like that. Heero pushed into me slowly, and damn if he wasn't right about how it would feel. It was like two missing pieces of a puzzle not only finding where they joined, but then being placed in the complete picture. As he buried himself inside of me, I felt whole, and it scared the shit out of me. This wasn't supposed to happen. Sex was okay, I could handle that, but this... no, I couldn't let myself feel this way.
He began moving his hips in small motions, allowing me to adjust to his entry, and all I could do was moan at how good it was. He was holding onto my hips, my legs hanging over his arms as he pulled out a little more and thrust back inside. I screamed as he hit that spot again.
"Oh, yeah! Again!" I looked up at him to see him smirking at me, a pleased look on his face. It quickly turned into a look of tortured pleasure as I squeezed his arousal with my inner muscles.
"Shimatta," he gasped out before leaning back, bringing me up with him. I found myself straddling his thighs, him still buried inside me. "Ride," he commanded, and I couldn't help but follow the order.
Gripping his shoulders, I lifted myself, only to slam back down on him. "Oh yeah!" It was incredible! I did it again, yelling out once more as I managed to find what he'd been tapping inside me.
Now I have to admit what happened next was my downfall. Duo Maxwell does not allow anyone to touch his hair... ever. It had been a rule of mine since Sister Helen died, and I had kept it all those years. She had been the last person to wash, comb, and braid it, other than myself. Even Solo hadn't bothered my tangled mass of chestnut; he'd only remind me to pull it back before we went out for our scavenger trips. When I felt Heero lifting my braid with the clear intention of freeing it, I froze.
"Wh-what are you doing?" I asked, fear and a little anger coloring my voice.
Heero looked into my eyes, his blue ones lit with the fire of passion and said one word that managed to get by every single defense I'd ever erected around my fragile heart. "Onegai?"
How could I refuse him? The tone of his voice was my undoing. I was no longer just having sex with the Perfect Soldier; I was sharing something very intimate with Heero, the boy who had never been allowed to be a child, the boy who had been forced to hide all of his emotions in order to fight for what he believed in, the boy who needed. I couldn't turn away from that need, because deep inside, we were the same.
"Aa," I replied, using his language because honestly I didn't know if I could say it in mine.
I held my breath as he pulled the tie off, and when he began unraveling the braid, I felt something inside of me break. Years of denying, years of fighting, years of hiding just seemed to be released as he released my hair. I felt the silkiness caress me as his hands delved into the freed mass, and a moan of pure pleasure escaped from my lips. It was then that I knew I was lost... and found.
Heero thrust his hips up, reminding me that we were still joined. I looked deep into his eyes, saw the joy of my agreement to his request shining there, and felt a real smile find its way to my face. He took hold of my hips and began to move again.
I could say that it was the feeling of him inside me, or the way he began stroking my arousal in time with his thrusts, or even the way he looked at me, but it would be a lie, and Duo Maxwell doesn't lie. What took me over the edge, made me climax harder than I ever had before, was the sound of his voice. I'm an audio person. I love music, and it's a known fact that I respond better to sound than any other medium. What made me shout as I came until I was hoarse was the sound of his voice muttering words of passion in his native language. You see, Heero spoke English perfectly, just like I spoke Japanese. He had a soft accent, but it was negligible. When I heard that low voice of his, so completely abandoned to pleasure that he couldn't express it any other way than in his own tongue, a feeling I'd never known coursed through me, and I threw my head back, screaming as I released myself all his chest and hand.
"Oh Heero! Oh Heero! Yeah, baby!"
I felt myself tighten around him, and he thrust deeper inside me as he began to come. "Duo! Aaaa! Aaaa!"
He filled me, not just with his seed, but also with part of himself. I could tell by the way he held onto me as he continued to pump his passion into my body. I could tell by the way he began shaking as he said my name over and over again. I could tell by the way he refused to look at me, burying his face against my shoulder. I could tell, and to know that he had given me something I hadn't asked for pissed me off.
We're fighting a war. Tomorrow one or both of us could die. I didn't want to have this kind of attachment. I may be friendly with everyone, joking and laughing, but that didn't mean I handed over my heart that easily. I guarded it more than I did my Gundam, hiding it behind the cloaking device of my humor like I did Deathscythe with the mechanical one he had. Heero had just done the one thing I couldn't afford to do, and it sent every protective instinct into 'run and hide' mode. I pulled away from him, wincing slightly when he slipped out of me. I then lay down on the bed, trying to regain my composure so I could just get the hell out of there. Heero had other ideas.
He collapsed beside me, curling close to my body, letting his head rest on my chest as his arm went around my waist. We lay there like that for minutes, hours, days, who the hell knows. All I was aware of was the feel of his body and the sound of his breathing. I lay there, and in the first time in a long time, I wanted to walk away... from the war, from my past, from what I had become... I wanted that more than my next breath, and it terrified me. I couldn't afford these feelings. I had to avenge Maxwell Church. I couldn't let my emotions get in the way of that, no matter how much I wanted to. I felt Heero stir beside me, and all I wanted to do was turn to him, bury myself in his arms, and cry until I couldn't anymore.
But boys don't cry.
He rolled over on top of me suddenly, and I could feel his returning erection pressed against my thigh. "Your turn," he whispered, and I swear he actually blushed.
What else could I do? I looked up into those blue eyes, saw the unspoken word 'onegai', and felt my resolve basically dissolve like sugar in water. He needed me, and seeing that need once again did something to my heart that to this day I can't explain. I pulled him on top of me and began preparing him, but not the way he had me. I touched him aggressively where he had been gentle. I could tell I was hurting him a little, but he didn't complain. When I felt I'd stretched him enough to not cause any permanent damage, I positioned my arousal at his entrance and thrust into him in one swift motion. The cry that left his lips and the moan that left mine were counterpoints of pain and pleasure, but I wasn't about to give him what he'd given me. I did what I had wanted him to do to me to begin with.
I fucked him.
At least, that's what I told myself I was doing. With each savage thrust, I told myself that it didn't mean anything, that I didn't want anything from him but sex, that when I woke up in the morning nothing would have changed except the fact that I'd slept with him. I told myself these things over and over again as his body caressed me, held me, welcomed me home... just like mine had his.
I wish I could have believed myself instead of his body.
As he neared completion, I reached between us, stroking his hard length roughly. I tried not to look at his face, but I couldn't help myself. I will never forget how he looked at that moment. I know it was his voice that had undone me earlier, but seeing him move in perfect rhythm with me, the pleasure building as I thrust against that spot inside of him like the one in me, knowing that he was feeling what I had felt when he'd taken me, did it for me that time.
I must just be an audio/visual person.
I came hard, releasing my passion inside his tight body as I kept thrusting and stroking. He was only a second behind me: the feel of me inside him, the pressure of my hand on his erection, and the heat of my seed combining to send him over the edge.
"Uhhh! Heero!" It was so intense I think I almost blacked out.
"Duo! Duo!" He yelled out, his essence coating my hand and stomach as wave after wave of pleasure hit him, before he did black out.
I moved him off of me, easing out of him as I lay him on the bed. Standing over him, I felt emotions I had banished a long time ago find their way back into my heart. It wasn't something I wanted. He'd given me part of himself, and in doing so, had filled the part of me that was missing. I didn't want it! I couldn't let myself want it. As I got dressed, I forced myself to remember the names of every child that had died on L2 in the fire. When I pulled the blanket over Heero, I made myself recall with clarity how Solo had looked when he'd died in my arms. Then I was walking out the door...
...Thinking about the sound of my name in that softly accented voice.
I left before morning.
I laid in the darkness, not by myself, but completely alone. Soft breathing beside me was the only thing keeping me from screaming. I can see him open the hatch, see the damn detonator in his hand, see the regret in his blue eyes as he pressed the switch...
And I just want to scream again like I did then. I want to kneel by this bed and cry like I had wanted to when Solo had died, weep uncontrollably like I had on the inside when Maxwell Church had burned. I wanted to give up my pride and purge myself of this pain that hurt more than anything I've ever felt before.
But boys don't cry.
Just who the hell had decided that? Who had made the rule that I couldn't do something just because I was a guy? I'd never followed rules very well in my lifetime. Why start now? I closed my eyes and let the face of the person I still had a part of inside of me fill my memory.
And then I cried.
Tears ran down my face in streams, but I didn't make any noise for fear of waking my bed companion. I wept silently until I felt like I had cried for every loss I'd ever had in my life, and with that release came the knowledge that I had killed him.
I had killed Heero.
No one touches my dark soul without paying the price. Not to mean that people can't love me; Howard loves me like a son, but I've kept him at a distance to keep him safe. No, what I mean is that if I return that love, if I become attached, if I allow them to see the real me inside, then they are marked for Death as sure as I'm breathing. Solo had been my brother, if not in blood then in life, and he died from plague. Sister Helen had been my mother, if not by birth then by choice, and she died from fire. Heero had been my lover, if not by word then in deed, and he died from...
I couldn't even think it, let alone voice it. All I could think was that it had been my fault. I never should have let him in... should never have allowed him to touch my heart. That's what he had done. He hadn't just slept with me; he had shared himself with me, let himself into my heart, and left part of himself behind to claim me. You can't claim Death; Death is the one who does the claiming. No one was safe in the arms of Shinigami.
The warm body beside me shifts, and I slip out of bed, wanting to let the blonde boy sleep. He'd felt Heero when he had...
Damn it! I just can't accept it. I know I have to, but part of me (and I wonder if it's really that part of Heero inside me) feels like he's going to walk through that door any minute, look at me with that 'onegai' in his eyes, and hold me until I understand that he's not letting me go. I want that. Oh, how I want that, but let's be realistic. It's not going to happen, no matter how many tears I cry or how many wishes I make. I walk over to the window and look out at the moon, searching for some comfort in the night sky. All I find is darkness.
"Duo, please try to get some sleep," Quatre's voice called to me from the bed. We had shared a room because both of us hadn't wanted to be alone tonight after...
I turned to look at him, seeing the sorrow in his aqua eyes. He could be another brother if I let him, but I couldn't bear to lose another person, so I'm keeping him at a distance just like Howard. Quatre had to live... for Trowa. We were only sharing a room, a bed, not ourselves. I'd seen the way they looked at each other; I wasn't blind. I was happy for them... really... I just wished...
Yeah, no need to do that. I smile at him, and I think he knows it's all a front. "Just restless, Q. Go back to sleep. I'll give it a try in a little while."
He's not buying it, but he sighs wearily and snuggles back under the covers. That sixth sense he's got probably informed him that I really didn't want to deal with discussing this right now... maybe not ever. I had to forget Heero. He was... gone. Just like Solo, just like Sister Helen... gone. I had to get my head around it, had to force my heart to believe it.
Had to convince my soul that its mate would not be coming home anytime soon.
I remember a verse that Sister Helen used to say all the time, "Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened unto you". I'd never put much faith in that, or the God she served. I'd told her I didn't believe in anything but the God of Death. She'd told me it didn't matter whether or not I believed in 'Him', 'He' was still there, believing in me. How could God have that much faith in me when I had so little? I stared out the window, looking at the moon again, and that part that Heero had left behind seemed to call out, begging me to try, pleading with me to not give up hope.
Asking. Seeking. Knocking.
I found myself on my knees, and for the first time in my life, I dared to believe. "Death has always been my companion," I whispered to no one... Someone... anyone. "I've always thought no one could defeat it, but if You can, if You bring him back to me, then when this war is over, I'll defy Death and love Heero if he still wants me. I can't promise that I won't be Shinigami from time to time, but I can promise that I will acknowledge You and try to bring life to those around me instead of destruction. If You are real and listening, then You know I don't lie."
I stood and made my way over to the bed. My heart did feel better, and as I lay down, sharing the bed with my fellow Gundam pilot, I thought about the possibilities of what I'd just asked for becoming a reality. I thought about how many times I'd wished for something and hadn't gotten it. I thought about just forgetting the whole thing.
But I couldn't.
I'd made a promise, and if Heero were alive, I would keep it. As Quatre scooted closer to me, his clothed body warming mine, I decided that if it didn't happen, I was no worse off than I'd been before. I'd still be careful with others until I knew the outcome of my prayer, protecting them the best I could from myself. I felt my eyes suddenly become very heavy, and as I closed them, my last conscious thought made me smile.
Maybe my game of 'hide and seek' would give me something that would make my tears and wishes all worth it.
You know, I've come to the perverse conclusion that the universal law of probability is against me, and God has an interesting sense of humor.
Heero was alive.
That alone should have short-circuited my brain. I mean, how in the world did the boy survive that blast? Not that I'm complaining; it's just that I didn't think I would ever get something I wanted. It boggled my mind that for once, my wish was granted, my prayer, answered. Probability had been subverted.
Which comes to the whole 'God's sense of humor' thing. Heero was alive... and I was lying in an OZ cell, waiting for him to come and kill me. If I hadn't been hurting so bad from that beating those bastards had given me, I would have laughed at the irony of it. Heero had survived my kiss of Death only to become the one to eliminate me. I had been captured; he could do no less.
I didn't have to wait long for his to show up either. I was just hoisting myself up against the wall when the cell door slid open, Heero throwing a soldier's body inside before walking in to level his gun at me. When I looked into those blue eyes, I didn't see the same person I had all those months ago when we had been together. I saw the Perfect Soldier who had come to do his duty. There was no emotion in those eyes, and after mumbling something about it being my destiny to be killed by him, I couldn't take it anymore and closed mine.
Silence filled the cell, and when I peaked open one violet eye, I saw that he was still standing there like he had been, but there wasn't that void look in his eyes anymore. Nope, they were burning with anger, and I knew it wasn't because I'd screwed up the mission either. He was pissed because I'd left that morning after we'd slept together. I could see it plain as day written on his face, and I think he was trying to use it to get up the nerve to pull the trigger.
"You're really gonna do it," I said in disbelief. "You're really gonna kill me."
I watched as those eyes did the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen... they softened. It was only for a split second before the cold calculating look came back into them, but it was enough for me to know I wasn't going to die. The anger simply disappeared.
"If that's what you want," he replied before throwing his gun to me.
We made our way out of the cell, my arm around him as he supported me. I honestly didn't know how we were going to make it. He told me he hadn't had a plan for getting out with me, which made my heart do cartwheels to know that he'd failed a mission on purpose just to save me. That's like a marriage proposal between soldiers. As we rounded the corner, he pressed a detonation switch that must have taken out a whole cargo bay from the sound of the blast.
I just shook my head and mumbled, "Why's it the quiet guys who always do things the flashiest way?"
He grunted but continued to all but drag me to where we could steal a shuttle. Needless to say, we got away, and I soon found myself sitting on a hospital bed with one of those stupid paper gowns on. Heero was standing here, telling me how I needed to get some rest and heal, telling me he's already enrolled in a nearby school using my name, telling me he has a mission and for me to stay put. All I could do was think about my promise and the anger I'd seen in his eyes when he'd rescued me. I think there may have been some hurt there too, and I didn't want him to leave me like this without knowing I was sorry for putting it there. Before he turned away to leave, I grabbed his shirtsleeve.
"Hey, I need to tell you something," I said, my voice sounding tentative, even to myself.
"Nani?" he replied softly, not looking at me.
I swallowed. "I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye the last time. I was... " I took a deep breath. "I was afraid of what was happening between us, and I had to... "
"Run?" he offered, his eyes meeting mine, and for the life of me, I couldn't tell the emotion I saw in them.
"I couldn't hide from you, and I couldn't lie either, so it was my only option," I replied back, defending my actions even if I couldn't really justify them.
He looked at me for a long time, just standing there while I sat, like he was searching my eyes for something that would give him the answer he wanted. All I could do was look back at him, and as the silence continued, I found it disturbing that it wasn't bothering me. I always had to fill the silences. It was in my contract when I'd bought my jester's mask. Yet, there was a sense of understanding flowing between us, like we were both coming to terms with the other without having to say a word. When Heero stepped towards me, I actually gasped, not in fear, but in surprise because of the sudden movement.
"I don't want you to run either," Heero told me, and his eyes had that 'onegai' in them. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it until that moment.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked, hoping he could give me a way to make things right between us.
He tucked a piece of loose hair behind my ear. It was an endearing gesture that I loved immediately. "Trust me with the part of you that you're afraid to give me."
Well, talk about hitting below the belt. If I hadn't already been holding onto my chest due to my broken ribs, I think I'd instinctively done so because my stomach felt like he'd punched me. Okay, I'd made that promise to God. I knew that; but making a promise and actually making good on it were two entirely different things. I mean, I intended to make good on it, just... not so soon. After the war had been one of my stipulations, and last time I'd checked, the war was still going on.
"I can't do that yet," I blurted out. I saw the hurt fill those beautiful blue eyes, and my heart constricted. I wanted to give it to him, I did. He had given that part of himself to me, so why couldn't I do the same?
He rested his hands on my shoulders. "If you die before the war ends, what will I have of you?"
I just stared at him. I remembered how I'd felt when I thought he was dead, how it had felt like I had part of him with me. It had given me something to hold onto even though I couldn't hold him. That's what he was asking for. He wasn't trying to take anything he hadn't already given me, and he wasn't asking me to promise him anything more than the moment. He just wanted something to hold onto if he didn't have me. I looked into his eyes, and once again, that need there made it unable for me to deny him.
"Ryoukai... koi."
His face lit up when I said those words. The next thing I knew, he had me wrapped in his arms, stroking my braid, kissing my neck. My body went from battered to burning in mere seconds. Heero pulled away then leaned forward to kiss my lips. It was a soft kiss that quickly turned passionate. I felt my desire for him build as my erection pushed forward, the paper gown unable to hide the bulge.
"Heero," I mumbled against his lips, "I need... "
"Me too," he replied, and I watched through hooded eyes as he unfastened his jeans, pulling his arousal through his underwear. He then reached under my gown, grasping my erection. I moaned at the sensation of his hand on me. I knew this time there was no denying that it wasn't just a sexual act happening between us. I was giving him something to take with him, a part of me to keep him company.
I was giving him my heart.
He moved the gown up, baring me, and I gasped as he pressed forward, our erections touching. Silken steel met silken steel as his hand began stroking us both. I could feel his passion seeping from his tip, mingling with mine as he rubbed them together, and the symbolism of it wasn't lost on me. I cried out in pleasure as he increased his pace, both of us unable to keep the passion that had ignited between us from consuming everything else but the feeling we were sharing.
I could feel him shuddering, his voice crying out in Japanese as his climax hit him, his seed pulsing out of him onto me. I felt every stream flow over my arousal, the heat enveloping my length in a warm embrace, and I couldn't keep from coming. Only Heero sealing his mouth to mine stopped my scream from filling the room. My orgasm ripped through me like a wild fire, and all I could do was cling to Heero, begging him with incoherent words to not let go, to not abandon me, to not fucking die. I could feel my essence leave my body, and I realized that Heero was still stroking us both, covering himself with me the way he had covered me with himself.
For how long we held each other, I don't know. When I finally regained my senses, Heero had already zipped himself back up and was in the process of putting a fresh gown on me. I couldn't keep from watching him, taking in all the little nuances about him, noting the way his hands moved or how his eyes shifted as he observed things. When he'd managed to clean up all traces of our encounter, he walked back to me, pulling me against him into a comforting hug. I held onto him, memorizing his scent, the way he felt, the sound of his breathing, just in case... I think he was doing the same thing.
"Rest and heal," he said to me, his voice full of concern and... fear?
"Be careful," I whispered back, knowing it could be the last time I'd ever see him.
He smiled then, a real smile that warmed my heart. "I will. The only Death I intend on giving myself to is you."
With a final kiss, he turned and walked out the door. I sat there, stunned beyond belief at his parting comment. Then I laughed. It was some hours later that I sat there, contemplating the risks of his mission and feeling like I should have gone with him, when I realized I didn't feel alone anymore... and smiled. Maybe the law of probability wasn't on my side, but God's humor sure seemed to be.
I must be amusing Him to no end.
If there's one thing that I truly hate about myself, it's my jealous nature. I know, that doesn't seem to be too bad of a thing, right? Wrong. I don't like other people trying to take what's mine. I don't like other people thinking they can make me let go of what is mine. I'm possessive, and although that's not a bad thing within itself most of the time, when it comes to certain situations, it can be.
I consider Heero Yuy to be mine and this is one of those situations.
Now don't get me wrong; I know I don't own him, but I do feel like we belong to each other - you know, that whole 'giving each other a piece of yourself' thing we did. Well, that entitles me to something doesn't it? A little say in what he does, a little input on how he does it, a little advice on how to keep it from killing him. A person would think so, but I guess that's only if it doesn't interfere with him protecting Relena Peacecraft.
Okay, I know she's needed for peace, but she's got this obsession with my lover, and I can't help but be concerned. Trusting Heero has nothing to do with it. Trusting her is the problem. But I couldn't tell him that. I had to tell him he was endangering himself by going after her. You would think he would have believed me, right? No, of course not. He told me I was being jealous and ridiculous. Me? Ridiculous? I don't think so. Not when it comes to something like this. Jealous? Well, yeah, but that's beside the point.
Yes, I know I said I hated being jealous, but that didn't mean I was wrong about it this time. She thinks he wants her, and I guess what scares me the most is that he really might. I mean, let's get real here. She's the former 'queen of the world' and he's her 'handsome protector'... I'm just the jester... get the picture? It makes perfect sense for him to end up with her, and me to get lost.
I don't want to be lost... I found myself in him.
I thought he'd done the same with me, but as I lay on my bed aboard Peacemillion, I can't help but wonder. When the war ends, will he really want me? We haven't really talked about us since we met up again. We hadn't seen each other since he'd broken me out of prison. What could I expect from him if he's fallen in love with her in the meantime?
A knock at the door pulls me out of my dismal thoughts. "Come in," I hollered out.
Heero walked through the doorway, and all I could do is stare at him. I remembered our previous little conversation, and I just don't want to deal with this. "Shouldn't you be getting ready to board Libra?"
Oh, smooth, Maxwell! Let's just make a 'kick me' sign and put it on my back.
"I wanted to say goodbye first," he said softly, and I swear I see fear in his eyes.
It makes me angry. What the hell right does he have to be afraid? He's the one going off to face Zechs and save the 'damsel in distress'. "Tell Relena 'hi' for me," I spat out. Yeah, I can make her name sound like a piece of gum stuck to my shoe, so sue me.
He is not happy with me. Yeah, well, join the fucking club. "Duo, Relena is our only chance to maintain peace. I have to get her off of Libra before we attack it. Why can't you understand that this is not personal for me? It's a mission, plain and simple."
"Get real, Yuy. You care for her, so don't even try to act like you don't. I've seen the way your eyes soften when you look at her." The fact that he looked at me that way sometimes only made it worse.
Heero sighed. "She reminds me of someone I knew, someone I couldn't protect, Duo. I do care for her, but not the way I do you."
My heart wants to believe, and my body would be convinced with just a touch, but my mind just refuses to acknowledge his words. "Everyone expects the good guy to get the sweet girl, not the bitter boy, Heero."
He scowled at me. "Damn you! I can't believe you're acting like this now! I've got to go do what I've been trained to do, and you just can't see how afraid I am of losing you!"
"Then you shouldn't be fucking running off to save her when I need you here with me!" I yelled back as I got up and went to stand in front of him. "If you're so damned worried, why are you leaving me alone?"
His eyes filled with comprehension. "You think I'm really going to choose her, don't you? You don't believe that I'm doing this to end the war so we can be together, do you?"
I looked away. The rational side of my brain was beginning to glare at the irrational side. In other words, I was being stupid. I looked back at Heero and sighed.
"Go, bring her back, and let's end this." I wasn't sure what I meant by 'this' - the fight we were having, the war, or our relationship. Regardless, I just didn't want to argue anymore.
Heero stepped closer, his arms going around me. "Promise me, no matter what, that you will survive this battle. Promise me that you'll come back alive."
I could see the love he had for me right there in his eyes, and I hated to deny him, but I had to this time. "I can't promise that, and you know it, Heero."
"Then promise me you'll at least try," he amended, and I saw 'onegai' again.
"I will, if you will," I said softly.
"Nimnu ryoukai," he responded in a whisper that ended with his lips brushing mine gently.
"Hai," I said back as his mouth left mine, and I suddenly needed one more kiss.
I pulled him into my arms, taking his mouth roughly. I poured all of my anger, fear, desire... and love... into the joining of our mouths. My tongue plunged inside forcefully, and I tasted him like it would be the last time, desperate to give him even more reason for it not to be. When we finally pulled away, I grabbed his chin and made him look at me.
"You'd better come back to me, you son-of-a-bitch, or so help me..."
He smiled. "I love you, Duo Maxwell."
I think my heart stopped beating for a moment. We'd never said that to each other before, and to be honest, I didn't think I could say it back. I knew it was true, but my voice just wouldn't cooperate.
"Don't," he said, a look of understanding in his eyes. "Only when you're ready. I just wanted you to know." He then ran his knuckles across my face and turned to leave.
"Come back to me, Heero," was all I could manage to get out as he walked away. He gave me one last look, his eyes speaking his need for me to do the same, and then he left.
That need in his eyes was what gave me the strength to fight one more battle.
I made my way from Quatre's bedside, slightly buzzed from the Champagne that he, Trowa, and I had consumed. Although the blonde had requested non-alcoholic, he hadn't minded my preference. Besides, being wounded, he needed a little something to help him rest. At least, that was my reasoning. Trowa hadn't objected either. I could tell from seeing the two other boys together that they shared a deep love for each other, and I said a quick prayer that things would work out for them.
Hey, I'd made it through the war and Heero was alive. I was going to keep my promise.
I wasn't sure what I expected when I arrived at my room, but finding Heero already in my bed, naked, was not even close. He was smiling at me, something I still was trying to get used to, even if he had been doing it ever since I'd given him my heart some time ago.
"Say it again?" he asked softly as I began stripping off my clothes.
"I love you, Heero Yuy."
It had been an intense battle. We'd fought off the mobile dolls only to face a huge chunk of Libra falling to Earth. We'd destroyed all we could of it, but in the end it hadn't been enough. A portion had still continued its descent, and I'd watched with undeniable horror as Heero had placed himself in its path. At that moment, I'd really thought I was going to lose him, and there was something I hadn't told him that I needed to. I'd opened a channel.
"Heero?"
"Duo, I'm sorry... "
"I know. Just... listen. I... Heero, please try. I... onegai... I love you!"
Then there hadn't been any more time. Heero fired his beam cannon, and I heard him cry out in a determined voice. "I will... I will... I will survive!"
I knew he meant he'd survive for me.
Now, as I slipped into bed with him, I was finding my doubts slowly being replaced with faith. Faith in tomorrow, faith in life... faith in him. "I've always loved you," I admitted softly as I leaned in and kissed him. "That first time, I just wanted you to fuck me, but you made love to me instead. I was so angry with you because of that. I was only expecting sex, and you gave me so much more. I was determined to show you that I would only give you my body, but even as I took you, I knew the truth." I looked down into his blue eyes and smiled. "I found my home when you touched me."
Heero pulled me down for a long, hot, passionate kiss. When he released me, he rolled over on top of me. "I didn't really intend to fall in love with you, Duo, but as soon as I felt your skin against mine, I knew I had no other choice." He kissed me again then whispered, "Will you make love to me now?"
I closed my eyes, feeling the tears threaten. When I opened them, 'onegai' was waiting for me in blue. His need called to me, and I knew he saw the answer in my violet as I reached for the duffel bag on the floor. 'My' hand cream was inside, and I couldn't wait to try it.
We began kissing, our mouths moving over each other's in heated but languid motions. His tongue slipped inside to meet mine, and I opened for him, surrendering to the feel and taste that was purely Heero. He gasped into my mouth as my finger entered him, but I was gentle this time, massaging his opening lovingly, allowing him to open for me the way my body had for him all those months ago.
Straddling me, he began to ride my fingers as I inserted a second. Once again, my actions were aggressive but held an underlying tenderness to them. I wanted to show him how much I loved him. As I spread my fingers apart, he moaned and pleaded for me to hurry, but I took my time, making sure that this time when I entered him, he would feel only pleasure. When I struck his prostate (yeah, I finally found out what that spot was called), he cried out loudly.
"Duo! Now or 'omae o korosu'!"
I laughed. "Yuy, you've been threatening me for months now. You don't think I'll take that seriously, do you?"
He glared down at me. "There is more than one kind of death, koi no baka. Don't be surprised if I make good on those threats in other ways."
I grinned up at him. "You can try, koi. Just remember, you're still dealing with Shinigami."
He actually laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. His voice - it does it for me, what can I say? I positioned myself at his entrance and began pressing inside. He began muttering in Japanese as I entered him. I was in heaven. When I finally was completely in him, I stopped, looking up to see him panting, his eyes bright with desire.
"Aishiteru, Duo."
Saying 'I love you' had been a major step for me. 'Aishiteru' meant so much more. I'd learned from my studies of the language that it was a continuing form of 'I love you', like 'I love you and I will keep on loving you in the future'. It was a promise, not just for the moment, but indefinitely. Heero was offering forever. Not just 'I love you until we have hard times', or 'I love you until someone better comes along', or even 'I love you until I get tired of you'. No, he was saying, 'I love you with all of your faults, all of your fears, all of your problems'.
No more hide and seek.
I looked up into those deep blue eyes and let all of my masks drop from between us. I think he saw it happen, because he inhaled sharply.
"Aishiteru, zutto, koi," I replied huskily.
It was like the last barrier was removed between us. Heero leaned down and kissed me, and I began thrusting in and out of him slowly. We took our time. No need to rush or get it over with. We were in love, and nothing was going to take us away from each other in the foreseeable future. Heero had rescued Relena, but he had been waiting for me in my bed. We had both faced Death, only to find life in each other. We had fought our battles, destroyed our enemies, protected our friends, and lived to tell about it.
The war was over. It was time to begin living again.
As I moved inside of him, our bodies giving and taking from each other, I felt peace for the first time in my young life. I felt Heero tighten around me, pulling me deeper inside, and I abandoned everything else to that feeling of being complete with him. I let my hand trail down his chest to his erection, hard and wet, waiting for my touch. I rubbed my thumb over the slit, gathering the moisture there, smearing it around the sensitive area, and Heero yelled out in a voice that I could only describe as 'primal'. He tensed and came so hard, he was sobbing before he was finished. Ribbons of his seed spurted out of him, covering us with sticky satisfaction.
There was no way I could keep from climaxing. I held onto him as my orgasm hit me, a feeling of utter joy coursing through me as I felt my life and love fill him, my passion erupting from my body, my arousal throbbing with each pulse within him. I felt the tears on my face and realized they were my own, and I did something I'd never done before.
Instead of running and hiding, I reached out and sought comfort.
Heero was there when I did. He pulled me to sit up and wrapped his arms around me, murmuring words in Japanese that I could only half understand because we both were crying... but it was enough; enough to take away years of hurt, enough to wipe away so many silent tears that had never been acknowledged, enough to give me what I needed. In giving into Heero's need, I had allowed him to meet my own.
We collapsed onto the bed, arms wound around each other. I listened to the sound of his breathing as it evened out, and I knew that he had fallen asleep. I laid there, a smile of contentment on my face, as I thought about spending my life with him. We would still have to work through a lot of things, but I knew that if we could make it through a war, we could certainly survive domestic life. I almost laughed out loud thinking about him burning dinner and me forgetting to take out the trash. I felt sleep claiming me as well, and I looked up at the ceiling, hoping Sister Helen could see my smile somehow.
Seek and ye shall find...
I had found my home... in Heero.
I would never have to hide again.
The End
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