23-Apr-2000
revised 15-May-2005
This is a little, entirely silly fic in response to a challenge from Emily. It's not a study in character, plot, or human nature; it's a rampantly OOC exercise in ridiculousness using all of the fanon stereotypes and a Bunsen burner. Do not ask where it is set, do not ask when it falls in the timeline, do not wonder why everyone is in the same safehouse with no explanation. This is written for fun and nothing else. Enjoy!
Warnings: Mild shounen ai for fanon reasons (1+2, 3+4). Annoying OOC bitchy Relena, also for fanon reasons. Tekka made me do it.
Tekka: Sure, blame everything on the muse.
Once upon a time, in a cyberuniverse far away, a girl named Muffin walked into MLspace with a challenge. "Tell me a story," Muffin said, "of any type you please. The only thing I require is that the characters say the following lines:
*It was a dark and stormy night.*
*A shout rang out.*
*Somewhere, a woman screamed.* And finally,
*It was murder--murder most foul.*"In MLspace, there was silence. Silence like that of the void. Until the girl uttered one final, unforgettable sentence: "I've got Pocky."
Deep in the shadows, another girl heard that mystical incantation, those three little words that could make or break hearts... and she stepped into the light. "Pocky, did you say?" queried the second girl, the one called Sweetums. And she considered it. Finally, she began to speak. "It's funny you should ask for those particular lines, Muffin, because I was spying on the Gboys just the other day and... "
And so the tale of the Marshmallow Incident began.
It was a dark and stormy night. Around the fire in their current safehouse, five Gundam pilots huddled together, seeking refuge from the cold. They didn't find much of it, however, since their "fire" was actually nothing more than a Bunsen burner Heero had stowed away in Wing for some reason. Duo thought he recognized it from one of the schools they'd infiltrated--its base was dented in the same place--but he didn't *really* want to ask. He also didn't want to ask what the chances were that the gas line into the house was still operational *and* the nozzle was the correct size. Heero had a way of making everything he tried turn out perfectly, even when it defied logic or, occasionally, the laws of physics.
"Hey," said the Braided Wonder, "I wonder if you could roast marshmallows over one of these things?"
It seemed like an innocuous question, but it caused more than one boy in the room to grind his teeth. Shinigami's pilot was a good person and an excellent soldier, but he had been babbling incessantly and insipidly for hours, and the storm outside had been raging equally long, cutting off the possibility of escape. Even the normally stoic Trowa was visibly affected. Around hour number three, whenever Duo began to think out loud the tiniest muscle next the corner of his mouth twitched, just a little. The other pilots were beginning to get worried about him. When nobody else seemed about to, Quatre replied. "I don't see any reason why not, Duo, except that we don't *have* any marshmallows."
He would've continued, but Chang Wufei had been cooped up in a room with Duo Maxwell for far too long (over six hours), and though he had desperately tried everything from meditation to visualizing scenes like strangling Maxwell with his own braid, he couldn't take it any longer. He snapped. "In point of fact, Maxwell, not only do we have no marshmallows, we have no *food*. Furthermore, we have no heat, since the safehouse *you* selected has no stove or furnace, and we have no *PEACE*, since you have been TALKING nonstop for the past SIX HOURS, and if you don't stop IMMEDIATELY, I for one plan to exact justice for my hunger, cold, and destroyed serenity by cutting off your braid, burning it, and sacrificing it to Nataku."
Duo eeped. "But Wu-"
"No buts, Maxwell!"
"But-"
Trowa's mouth began twitching more pronouncedly. Glancing worriedly at his silent lover and then at the red-faced Wufei, Quatre said, "I really think you'd better stop for a while, Duo. We're all a bit tired, and the storm's frazzling everybody's nerves." //And if someone kills you, I am *not* cleaning it up.//
"Yeah, but-"
A shot rang out.
Normally, Heero could tolerate Duo longer than anybody else, for reasons the rest could only guess at, but even he could only be pushed so far. Silence reigned in the tiny shack as Shinigami picked himself carefully up from his prone position on the floor and regarded the neat, bullet-sized hole in the wall less than two inches from where his head had been. "Um, Heero... " Heero placed his finger on the trigger again. Hastily, Duo pantomimed zipping his lips closed and tried to look as harmless and cute as possible. //Usually he just socks me in the gut... he must be really annoyed to waste a bullet on me... I wonder if that means he's not going to want to play tonight?//
Whatever thoughts were going through his head, the other four saw Duo look suddenly morose before he turned around and ran to get his duffel bag from where he had stashed it in a corner. He settled himself down again and produced a piece of paper and a pencil.
//Well,// Wufei thought, //at least now we'll finally have *quiet*... //
Duo held up the paper triumphantly. It read, 'But I DO have marshmallows!! That's why I asked!'
There was a dangerous pause. "Duo," Heero began very carefully, speaking for the first time in several hours, "do you mean to tell us that you've had food with you all along, and you didn't say anything?"
Duo scribbled a moment, and held up another piece of paper reading, 'All I've got is stuff for S'mores. I was saving them for a special occasion! I would've told you guys, but I wanted to surprise you.'
Even Wufei, who had a secret passion for S'mores, could not help but be moved by his speech... er, well, writing, whatever. "Really?"
Duo nodded happily and pulled a bag of marshmallows, a big Hershey bar, and a box of graham crackers out of his duffel. "All we need is sticks to roast them, and it'll be just like a campfire!" Realizing belatedly that he wasn't supposed to talk, he muttered "Oops."
Wufei, Trowa, Quatre, and Heero exchanged looks. Silently, they seemed to decide that for S'mores most transgressions could be overlooked. "All right! " cried Quatre. "That's great, Duo! I'll bet there are some sticks or something on the back porch where all those newspapers were. I'll go look."
There were indeed sticks on the porch, and before long the five Gundam pilots, some of the most feared warriors of their time, were huddled around a little Bunsen burner roasting marshmallows and arguing.
"It should be perfectly browned evenly on all sides."
"Marshmallows are cylindrical; they don't have sides! And you're wrong anyway, they're best if you hold them in one spot until the underside gets so hot it separates from the inside of the marshmallow and almost slides off. Then you get crispy and gooey at the same time."
"Actually, Duo, I like it when there's a real fire so that you can burn the marshmallow directly and eat it charred," said Trowa.
Three jaws dropped as Wufei, Heero, and Duo stared at the Heavyarms pilot.
Somewhere, a woman screamed.
Then, two things happened simultaneously: Duo worked his mouth silently awhile before managing a strangled, "He *speaks*?" and Heero paled, saying "That sounds like-"
"Heeeeeroooo!"
Heero looked more frightened than anyone had ever seen him, even before self-destructing. "It can't be..." //Shit. Duo isn't going to like this. He still hasn't forgiven me for the time I let her crash our date at that fancy restaurant last month... //
Sure enough, Relena Peacecraft burst through the door mere seconds later, crying "I've found you again!" She ran up to Heero and gazed at him rapturously as he stared up at her from his position cross-legged on the floor. If he had not been Heero Yuy, he would've looked like a landed fish. Five marshmallow-tipped sticks lay forgotten on the ground.
"Aw, shit," muttered Duo (predictably the first to find his voice). "Now it's all dirty!" He elaborately ignored the simpering Queen of the World as he went about brushing off his marshmallow and putting it between a graham cracker and a piece of chocolate.
"Um, won't you sit down? We were just eating... "
"Why thank you... Quatre, is it? I believe I will." Spreading her coat fastidiously on the floor next to Heero, she sat and held her hand out for a stick and a marshmallow. Since Heero seemed to have decided that if he ignored Relena she would go away, Trowa obliged.
The next ten minutes or so were... rather tense. There were no noises but the sounds of chewing, a few quiet murmurs of "pass me the Hersheys," and an occasional pathetically transparent compliment from Relena to Heero ("Why Heero, your marshmallows always come out so well! Would you do one for me?"). The air was practically crackling with silent combat, and Quatre was faintly surprised that the Bunsen burner didn't suddenly flare and set them all on fire from the sparks the three people across from him were generating. He knew that Heero didn't like Relena, but the whole dynamic between the two was odd... and where did Duo come into it? The aforementioned Shinigami appeared to be peacefully roasting his marshmallows and getting his fingers sticky with sugar and crumbs (something Quatre knew he loved), but something was amiss. He was... quiet. Quatre wasn't sure if he'd ever seen Duo voluntarily quiet. And there was a dangerous glitter in those blue-purple eyes he usually associated with *big* trouble.
Heero, meanwhile, was contemplating the same gleam. //The universe hates me. There is no other explanation for being miraculously saved from self-destruction only to be left in a shack in the middle of nowhere sitting between the God of Death and the Queen of the World.// As he watched his boyfriend seething while his stalker sat regally oblivious, he wondered if he should just leave. Braving a thunderstorm in a tanktop and spandex couldn't be that bad. But that would be a tacit admission of weakness, and he did not have any weaknesses. //Damn.//
Wufei, seeing Heero glower more intensely than usual, privately reaffirmed his conviction never to involve himself with women.
"Pass me another marshmallow please, Mr. Maxwell."
"Of course, Relena-ojousan." Heero noted that Duo stabbed the marshmallow with his stick much the same way in which he tore apart mobile suits with his thermal scythe. //Dammit! I had him worried. I was going to get some tonight for sure... I wonder if there's any point in hoping now... //
The corner of Trowa's mouth began to twitch again.
Quatre, who had been keeping an eye on the silent pilot for several minutes, began to chatter nervously, and the room seemed to relax a bit. No one could resist Quatre's brutally efficient sweetness for long...
...and then Relena, caught up in staring at Heero and not paying attention, knocked Duo's marshmallow into the gas flame with her stick.
//No,// Heero thought morosely, //definitely not getting any.//
"That's it!" Duo screeched, jumping to his feet. "You killed my marshmallow! *I* was going to eat that marshmallow, and you *killed* it!"
"Really, Mr. Maxwell, I don't think it's anything to get that upset about. I certainly didn't intend to do it; it was an accident that could've happened to anyone."
"Like hell you didn't mean to do it! It was murder--murder most foul!"
"You act like the stupid thing was a living being! And it was manslaughter, at the very most! Why are you getting so upset? Heero, isn't that ridiculous? Tell him that's ridiculous."
//No sex for a week and I didn't even do anything! Quatre doesn't make Trowa sleep in his Gundam after every visit from Catherine. This emotional behavior is completely ridiculous.// "Hn."
"You see?"
Duo glared, and began moving towards Relena, giving Heero a perfect view of his ass in motion in the process. An ass he had a feeling he wouldn't be seeing in close proximity for awhile... //I should've killed them both that day on the docks, and then I wouldn't have to deal with this. Why did I ever get involved with that idiot anyway? ...and that girl! Dammit, I always get to be on top on days when I almost shoot him!//
"Er, Queen Relena, I think perhaps you should leave now... " said Quatre. //If Duo kills the heir of Sank I am *definitely* not cleaning up.//
As one, Trowa and Wufei jumped up and each grabbed an arm, effectively restraining Duo for the vital seconds needed to get the single most important pacifist diplomat in the solar system safely away. Heero, knowing he was nailing the lid on his own celibate coffin, steered Relena Peacecraft firmly out the door to her waiting car. When he had finished and reentered the house (soaked with rainwater, of course), he made one attempt to placate his furious lover. "Duo, there's one more marshmallow left. Do you want it?"
Duo narrowed his eyes. "Actually, I don't think I'm in the mood for S'mores anymore. In fact, I think I may not be in the mood for awhile. The sweetness was beginning to give me a headache."
The other three pilots looked at each other in confusion, and decided that even if they didn't understand what was going on between their friends, they knew when it was time to leave the room. There was a mass exodus to the porch.
"Hn. I didn't invite her."
"You didn't kill her, either. Didn't you say you were going to? Oh, yeah. I forgot. No one you say you're going to kill ever dies. How silly of me."
"I can't kill her."
"Kinda like you can't self-destruct, huh? You keep on trying and trying, but you just can't do it. Poor baby. Well, I'm off to bed! See you in the morning, Hee-chan!" And with that, Duo sauntered off to one of the small bedrooms, yawning exaggeratedly.
//Kind of like I can't self-destruct... // Sighing, Heero turned back to the burner and the little pile of S'mores supplies. And cursed.
Wufei had eaten the last marshmallow.
// ...but if I have many more days like this, I'm going to try harder.//
The sudden crash of thunder seemed to agree with him.
The End
(:./cutter/marshm)
