28-May-2003
Title: Seasonal Drift Part IV
Author: Ebonydove
Archived: aenai.steelsong.com & Team Rocket at Shinigami's Castle.
Spoilers: yes some vaguely from the series
Rating: PG
Warnings: Violence, language, shonen-ai, mild sap, slight OOC, mild angst.
Pairings: 2+1
Author's Notes: Told in Duo's POV. Dedicated to Leigh Ann, thank for being out there.
Disclaimer: Of course there are bigger fish, and don't call me Shirley...
I wandered out of my bedroom in my boxers about quarter after two in the morning to find Trowa, still fully dressed with shoes and all, fast asleep on the couch. After getting back to my place I had offered the couch and he seemed grateful of it. It had been a long, taxing day and we were both exhausted from all the emotional stress. I myself had slept so hard during the last few hours that my arm was still numb from where I had rolled over on it.
Still, it was odd for me to see Trowa sprawled out there sleeping instead of Heero. Most of the time it was just easier for Heero to crash on my couch after finishing our reports from work that day than for me to truck his ass all the back across town to his own apartment. I couldn't understand why he refused to just go and get himself a damn car, but he was stubborn about things like that. About a lot of things in fact. But it was charming in an irritating kind of way.
I padded across the floor in my bare feet to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door, hoping that the light from it wouldn't wake Trowa. But as soon as I reached for the bottled water I heard the slight rustle of movement from his general direction and turned to see him rubbing the grit from his eyes. His hair was sticking straight up and it produced a small smile from me to see him look so sleepy and disshelved. I wondered how Quatre reacted to seeing him like that. He was a good-looking guy, after all. Not my type, but that didn't change the fact that he was attractive. Especially now with that sleepy kittenish look about him.
"What's wrong?" Trowa was looking at me with an odd questioning look on his face and it was then I had realized that I had been staring at him with a shit-eaten grin on my face for the last several moments. It had to make him wonder if I was crazy, sleep walking, or both. "Duo?"
"Uh, nothing. Just woke up. I didn't mean to wake you too." I took a few big gulps from the bottle and set it back into the refrigerator before stalking my way out of the dark kitchen into the living room to where he was.
"I was awake already."
I frowned at that, not quite believing it. I mean the guy looked out cold just moments before, so I assumed he said it for my benefit. I couldn't care less if he was or not, but found it hard to swallow that he could trick me so easily. I was the king of faking sleep. Well that is... next to Heero, of course. I sighed heavily thinking about Heero again. I had been so out of it after we left the hospital that I had taken little time to really digest the previous day's events.
"Are you ready to go back to the hospital to check on him?"
I smiled at Trowa's insight. I guess it was pretty obvious now how much I was absorbed with Heero. "Yeah. I wanna get back there before they move him out of the ER. I'm gunna jump in the shower and then make us some coffee. There are plenty of clean towels in the closet near the bathroom for you too."
"Thanks, Duo. I'm going to call Quatre to see if he's arrived on planet yet. Maybe he could meet us and then we'll all go together."
"Sounds like a plan to me." I got the coffee around and headed for the bathroom to shower and change. I could hear the quiet muffled sounds of Trowa on his cell speaking to Q, and hoped that he wasn't getting him overly excited. He had been told about Heero sometime during when I was getting checked out at the hospital for the slight case of shock they all insisted I had, and was on the next flight from his home colony to earth. I'm sure he was upset. Especially that he wasn't able to talk to me either. We were close and it probably made matters worse to hear that I had been so out of it. Quatre could be very protective sometimes and I don't think I could handle him right now if he was as upset as I was a few hours earlier.
I woke up earlier this morning to flashes of the blood and gore I had seen on the carpet at Heero's place and was grateful that Quatre hadn't been there to see what the rest of us had. I know it was ridiculous given our history, but it seemed so wrong somehow for him to have to witness things like that.
I shivered despite the hot spray of the shower and tried not to dwell on the dark thoughts that were forming in my brain about how I would deal with the person responsible for doing this once I caught them. And there was very little doubt in my mind that I would. Wufei had eluded to similar thoughts when we were at the hospital, but unlike him, I had every intention of following through with mine. Whoever did this was going to pay ever so dearly.
By the time Trowa was finished in the bathroom I had rustled up a clean shirt for him to wear. I hadn't really thought it odd, but noticed him blush when he gratefully accepted a clean pair of boxer shorts too. It made no nevermind to me. Heero always kept clean clothes at my place and most of his stuff was still in the original packaging so it wasn't as if I had just offered him a pair off my own body or something. For a group of guys who had to strip down to the buff and huddle for warmth when we landed a safehouse in the worse winter conditions I'd ever seen during the war or freeze to death, we were all certainly shy these days. His blush made me laugh out loud and it cut the rising tension between us. We grabbed our coffee and headed out to the hospital.
The knot in my gut that I figured would be a permanent part of my life for the next few days tightened when I got out of Trowa's sedan, and stepped through the threshold of the emergency room doors once again. Only this time instead of watching Wufei from the curbside through the glass inside gathering what little information about Heero's condition he could, I saw Quatre barking orders like he ran the place.
The vestibule doors slid open and I felt a soft shove from Trowa behind me. We walked inside and he did the strangest thing I had ever seen him do in public, ever. He whistled this high pitch tune to get Q's attention. The place went still for the span of about three seconds, drawing all eyes to us where we stood in the doorway until Q squeaked his pleasure that we had arrived and came barreling over. The room then resumed its normal flow with only a few people following behind Quatre to where we were standing.
In those three seconds when all eyes were on me, it seemed as if a lifetime went by. It kinda felt like I had stepped into a time warp and had never really left the place at all. I also couldn't help thinking that they were all looking at the guy who was an emotional mess the day before about his partner. Which I had been, but I was trying to at least keep my composure. Apparently I didn't do a very good job, because I was quite sure they all knew. They knew that there was something more to it than simple concern for a fellow officer. I felt my cheeks flame with a blush as I ducked my head and shoved my hands in my pockets.
"Trowa, Duo, I'm so glad you're here. We have some news."
"Heero's okay? I want to see him." I jumped in, glazing over the pleasantries completely. Quatre seemed so relieved and it made me feel a bit guilty that I hadn't even said hello, so I reached out and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. It produced a beaming smile from him and a tiny quirk of the mouth from Trowa.
"Maybe we should go to my office first." A tall soft-spoken doctor addressed us from where he was standing behind Quatre. I focused my attention on him and was immediately alarmed by the careful tone he was using. Then our eyes locked, and for that split second before he blinked I felt my stomach twist as a great unease settled around me like a cloud at the unspoken sense of urgency that was held within that gaze. Quatre nodded his agreement with the doctor to adjourn to the office, and we all turned with him to walk down a short hallway into a non-descript white-walled room.
Quatre and I sat in the two leather chairs closest to the desk that the doctor seated himself behind; leaving Trowa to stand behind Quatre. Trowa rested his hands comfortably on the back of the chair, but not before I saw the slight brush of fingertips along Quatre's neck and shoulder before he dropped them. It was tender and made me suddenly very sad that I couldn't offer any comfort to anyone at all in my current distracted state. I was too worried about Heero right now to think of anything but him.
The doctor cleared his throat and flipped a switch on his desk instantly dimming the lights in the office and lighting up a mounted wall plate. He then expertly placed a series of films that I assumed where Heero's CAT scan results. I had seen things like them before, from long ago days filled with too much psychological profiling for me to care to think about just then, when he began to speak in those same serious quiet tones he had used before.
I had hoped Wufei would be here to cut through any of the bullshit that I couldn't, and secretly wished he would just barge in and drag me out of there to where Heero was. Being in this too-normal room faced with the grim countenance of the man in front of me, filled me with a crushing sense of doom. Something was very wrong. I didn't need a clipboard or a film to tell me that.
"Agent Yuy has sustained a blow to the head; here, during the... episode, which caused some bruising on the brain. Upon closer inspection of the affected area we discovered a shadow of sorts on this portion." He began to point to an area on the film when it struck me just what was said.
"An attack you mean."
"Pardon?" The doctor turned from his films to me.
"He was attacked." I reiterated calmly. "He sustained a blow to head during the attack."
Quatre and Trowa both turned to stare at me as if I had grown a second head at my subdued comment, to which I pointedly ignored. The doctor also gave me an assessing look before folding his hands neatly in front of him and smiling slightly. It only served to make the feeling of unease within me grow.
"I understand what you're getting at Agent Maxwell, but there is no evidence that I can find to confirm that Agent Yuy sustained the injury from someone else as of yet."
"So he fell then." I also folded my hands neatly in my lap, mostly to keep them from trembling as I focused on any little nuance in his disposition that I could find to hint to where he was going with all this.
"Agent Maxwell, it is a possibility that he fell and in doing so; sustained the blow, but it is not a possibility that Ms. Naomi Ishikawa could sustain any of her injuries from any other source than another person. It is only paliminary, but so far we have yet to determine anyone else in that room besides the Agent Yuy and Ms. Ishikawa."
I could feel my bloodpressure rising at the insinuation. I hadn't realized that my hands had shifted to the arms of the chair or how tightly I had gripped them until I felt the light touch of Quatre's hand on my forearm. I glanced over to him and was surprised to see the edge of fear in his eyes at the expression I must have been wearing. But it was ridiculous. I mean, Heero wouldn't, couldn't ever do something like what I had walked in to that morning.
It simply wasn't possible.
"Duo?"
What I had seem was horrific, like some wild animal had attacked them...
"Duo? Are you all right?"
I ignored Quatre's concern and was up and out of the room in the next instant, running for the section of curtains in the ER that I knew Heero was last at. I could vaguely hear Trowa and Quatre behind me but it made no difference. I was going to go see Heero and get my own answers. We were partners, friends... he'd be able to tell me with one look what had happened.
I shoved my way past a few people and threw back the green curtain to the bed I remembered them shuffling him to, only to find it empty. I spun around, and grabbed at the charts only to find that they too were blank. Storming out from behind the tousled fabric I grabbed the first nurse I could and with a voice I wished I could have kept hidden away from the world hissed out my demand. "Where is Heero Yuy?"
The young candystriper just gaped at me like I was about to murder her and pointed to the nurse's station. Before I could make it there though, Trowa had caught up to me and removed my hand from the girl's arm without pretense. I turned my hard glare to him and shoved off his grip. "Where did they take him?"
"Duo... "
"No! Where the hell is he?" I didn't give a damn about the stares I was getting, or for the two largest orderlies I had ever seen suddenly creeping up to us as I screamed for anyone to tell me where my partner was. He was a damn Preventers Agent after all. That undoubtedly should earn him a little priority, shouldn't it?
I shoved away from Trowa and began digging through the charts on the nurse's station, knocking a whole stack of papers to the floor where they skidded across the glistening hallway. Trowa grabbed for me again and I pulled my fist back with every intention of swinging.
"Duo! Knock it off right now."
I turned to the direction of the booming voice and found Quatre glaring at me with the Zero look in his eye. He was all business.
"They have taken him to the third floor for a psyche. exam. I know that you don't want to hear it, but you know as well as any of us that Heero has had severe trauma in his life. It is possible that he was capable of... "
"NO!" I tore away from them and raced to the stairwell. Slamming the door open and taking the stairs two at a time, I was bound and determined to find Heero and drag him out of the place if needed.
I barreled out of the stairwell and skidded into the hall slamming my shoulder hard against the wall on the opposite side and knocking over a silver cart loaded with toiletries and linens with a tremendous crash. I grabbed it and shoved it in front of the door, jamming it firmly to prevent anyone from getting in and spun to the elevator and hit both the up and down buttons before focusing my attention on the surroundings.
It was the smell that hit me first. It was a cloying sweet stench of urine and cleaning solutions that rolled over my senses like a wave, making my gag reflex start. With a few shallow breaths I was able to get my air back and turning to look up the hall to get my bearings, I saw the heavily reinforced double doors halfway down. Their two little square windows were covered with metal grating and I noticed a keypad blinking to the right of them. But what sent me to my knees and made my eyes well up with tears was the dimly glowing sign above the doors that read: Psychiatric Ward: No Unauthorized Access.
I simply couldn't wrap my brain around what was happening. They put him in a damned psyche. ward. Like an animal. Like some kind of lab specimen.
I shut my eyes tightly remembering how he had looked strapped down to a metal table, drugged, and hostile when I had first encountered him on earth. He had crashed hard, and when I found him, he was holding a gun to Relena on the docks. I had to do something. I felt a rush of adrenaline as I shot him, then shot him again when he tried to break for it. When I watched his determination to destroy Wing I knew he was a force to be reckoned with.
At the time I didn't realize how all those events put into motion would play out the way they did. Once things had settled, I knew I wasn't alone in my mission anymore and that he was the only other person on earth that knew what I did. He needed my help back then just as he did now.
But now it was so different than before. I wasn't being manipulated by a bunch of crazy geniuses bent on saving the earth from itself. And the colonies from complete destruction. I didn't have to go it alone for quite some time now. The guys were like my family and Heero...
He was such a part of myself that I couldn't even think about being without him in my life. I knew what it was like to be seen as a different, or even crazy, so it hit me hard that he was here and not me.
It should've been me.
I blinked away my tears and staggered up and towards the secure double doors when I heard the soft ding of the elevator. I had forgotten to jam them and turned to find Quatre, Trowa, the doctor, and two nurses all rushing out. They froze once they saw me standing alone in the hall like a rabid, wounded dog. Trowa actually even raised his hands up as if somehow the gesture would soothe my raging emotions. They didn't realize that I had failed my partner. I failed my friend. I should have known, have seen it coming...
I could feel the trembling that had started in my hands creep up my arms and then finally throughout my whole body. I stood in the bright white hallway on the third floor outside the locked double doors where they were holding my best friend and just shook. Nothing they could say was going to make me okay about any of this.
But in the end all it took to break the rising tension was the look on Wufei's face as he stepped out of the second elevator and into the hallway that drove me to run into his outstretched arms and bury my head in his shoulder.
I couldn't get the tears to come back and just stood there shaking and listening to the way his heart was thrumming against my chest as he held me. I didn't give a good god damn what anyone thought either, but Trowa herded the doctor and nurses back into the elevators anyway and sent them away somewhere promising to catch up with them in a little bit. I heard the doors slide shut and glanced up to Wufei.
His dark eyes were tender as he registered my distress and after a slight squeeze he held me at arm's length and gave me an assessing look. "What in the name of all that's holy did you think you would accomplish by barricading the doors? Did you think you were going to be able to jump out the window with Heero and run away?"
His tone was gentle as he chided me. I didn't really know what I thought I was going to do once I located him. "Wu, he can't be here. You don't understand what's it's like to be locked away in a place like this... "
I registered the concern in his face as he looked to the secure doors where Heero was surely being kept beyond. Then he lifted my chin slightly and gave me a stern nod. "Maxwell I promise you, once we hear what the doctor has to say about Heero I will bring you to see him."
"I was so hell bent on getting to him, Wu. I need him to know... I have to tell him... "
He gave me a firm shake to stifle the rising hysteria and let go of me as he ushered me to the elevators. "Let's go back down and speak with Dr. McNeill. Then we will all come back up and check on Heero. He hasn't yet woke from his ordeal, but should soon. I think it would be best if he had his partner there when he regains consciousness."
"Duo, Heero handles injury very well. I should know. I spent all those months with him as he recovered from... "
I held up my hand to silence the rest of what Trowa was about to say. My nerves were too raw to drag up that memory too. As it was, my head was spinning and I was convinced that I wouldn't know sleep again for a while. So many dark things had resurfaced in the past days that I really didn't care to think about that particular little tidbit. Those dark times came to me anyway in the form of nightmares and flashbacks and despite my outward appearance, the stress of realizing my feelings for Heero on top of it all made for one huge mess in my head.
It really should've been me in here. Not Heero.
I leaned against the back of the elevator with the guys all around me like a bunch of men at arms protecting their king. It made me chuckle, albeit a tad manic. Quatre cleared his throat and gave me a questioning look. I just shrugged and gave him a small smile. No need to lock us both up. It was going to be up to me to get Heero out of here.
When we stepped off the elevator back on the first floor everyone stilled and immediately cleared a path for us. I could feel their eyes on me as I strolled by with my hands dug deep in my pockets. Dr. McNeill was there to meet us in the doorway to his office and we all entered in silence.
I didn't sit this time, leaving the chairs open for Wufei and Quatre. I waited to see if Trowa would do that same tender thing as he did before, but apparently everyone was still focused me.
"I'm sorry if I upset you Agent Maxwell."
"Duo, doc. Just call me Duo." I sighed heavily and tried to relax, but his oddly soothing tone was grating on my nerves. I didn't want to be coddled. I was a god damned Preventer after all. I saw more shit in my lifetime than he could ever even imagine.
"As for Agent Yuy. The shadow that we found on his brain is not a recent phenomenon. In fact, it appears that whatever chemical or neurological alterations done to him during his training happened at quite a young age. It could be causing the drift."
"Drift?"
"Yes. It is how we refer to the way a person deals with traumatic events in their life. When something stressful or traumatic happens to an individual, in this case a soldier, they focus on something that removes them from the situation in order to continue to function on their given task. Once the task is complete they are able to return to their prior state. We call this mental shifting of focus, drift."
Wufei was frowning deeply, as was Trowa. We knew exactly what it was that the good doctor was speaking about. A particular training method combined with steroids and hypnosis to get a pilot to remain focused in the extreme battle situations Gundam pilots often found themselves in. It was risky to undergo that kind of treatment for long periods of time, especially when you were as young as we all were. Seasoned men had gone berserk after being exposed to the kinds of conditions we had been. But I think that at the time we all believed it was for our own good. That the kind of practices used to get us ready to pilot the Gundams was somehow normal. I for one hadn't really known anything different to compare my training to, so most often would just go with it. I had no doubts at all that it made me into the lethal killing machine I could be, but had never heard that particular technique referred to as Drift before now. I let out a dismissive snort and leaned my head back against the white wall. I could see how a civilian could make that leap though.
"Duo?" I turned my glassy eyes to Quatre who was worrying his bottom lip as he watched me cautiously from where he sat.
He looked confused and painfully concerned. I was almost positive that he hadn't undergone the same kind of "training" the rest of us had during our time with the professors before we were given the blessing to use the Gundams. And I wondered if it didn't make him feel sad for us at times that we had all gone through such hell and he had been spared from it. I know in my heart of hearts that none of us would ever wish that he had shared in the experience of those matters as we all did back then. He had been sheltered from it, which made him better than us I suppose, and I was glad for it. He was the pure heart of our little band of miscontents. Just as Heero had always been our solid ground. My steady compass, keeping me level and always driving me forward. Never back.
You never look back.
I gave him a weak smile. It was the best that I could manage as I turned to gaze up at the white paneled ceiling tiles above me. "It's ok Quatre. There are just things from the past that are better left alone. Don't worry. Everything is going to be all right."
I was going to see to it. Or give my last breath trying. Heero was my initiative and I wouldn't stop until I knew he was going to be okay. He had to be, because I wasn't really quite sure if I would be able to make it at this point in my life without him.
End Part 4
(:./ebony/drift4)
