30-Apr-2000

Hi hi! I woke up this morning and I had to write this. I don't know if it turned out very well, so consider it a first draft. But if it was enough to wake me up on the one morning I get to sleep in, who am I to tell it to go away?
This is a companion piece to another short ficlet I wrote a while ago, also entitled Sleep; the first sleep was from Heero's point of view, while this is from Duo's. Both take place in the same time period, and the pieces are very similar as they both examine the relationship between those two special boys. Kind of a happier story, at least coming from me. ^_^
So: Warnings are shonen-ai, language, sap (I don't know; what defines sap?) oh and no spoilers (didn't someone request that we mention that?)
and: Feedback as usual. Thanks for reading! ~TB

Sleep - Mirror by Erin Cayce

Duo's POV

He watches me sleep

I love him. I don't know exactly when I admitted that to myself. I know that the feelings had existed for a long time before I knew what they were. It started when I rescued him from the OZ hospital. Looking back, I realise how stupid that particular stunt was. I don't have much impulse control. I might have gotten us both killed there. Of course, Heero was a few steps ahead of me in that department--always is. I'm not big on the self-destruct-reactionary-personality pitfalls. I about had a heart-attack when we jumped out of that blown-out window and Heero--stupid Heero--refused to open his parachute. I mean, come on! He comes all the way to Earth to fulfil his life's purpose, and the *first* thing he does is try to kill himself--and then he tries to kill himself *again* in what I personally consider to be one of the nastiest ways. Squished and broken like a bug on a rocky cliff-side... I can't stand heights now, after watching him nearly die like that. Heero no baka, I tell him all the time, whenever he's stupid enough to remind me of that. I always smack him. He deserves that much for scaring the shit out of me. But then I always pretend it's some kind of joke. I don't want him to know how much he spooks me sometimes. I don't want him to have one more worry. I don't want him to feel guilty for--for being what he was trained to be. I love him too much just the way he is

How did I possibly fall for someone like him, though? I'm enough of a romantic to believe in love at first sight, but my head tells me that isn't too bloody likely--especially when you consider that my first sighting of Heero was in that Kodak moment just before he tried to shoot Relena-san. But, it isn't impossible that maybe what I did see, I liked... I don't know. One thing I *don't* believe in is analysing your feelings; just gets you in trouble. Whatever the case was, I loved him so easily and quickly that when I finally saw that he needed me too, I didn't even hesitate. I was just there--and then *we* were just there. You'd be surprised how many people look at us and wonder--wonder if our "relationship" is "fair," or "clean,"-- or "abusive." As much as I try not to, I just have to laugh whenever someone gets up the guts to ask. Abusive? Heero? No. The idea's totally absurd. People who ask that obviously don't know my one-and-only. Just because he can't say the words...

But you see, I don't *need* the words

After all, look at all the centuries of misuse and misinterpretation those three little words have tacked onto them. I don't need a verbal definition of what we have with each other, because I already know. He shows me in so many little ways. The best is the way he holds me at night; I always gravitate to him right before I drift off, and sleep waits just long enough for me to feel him put his arms around my shoulders and waist and pull me closer to his chest. No matter how horrible the day has been, no matter what's coming, for just a few hours at night while he holds me, everything, life, God, love--I have it there, whole and perfect, in his arms. And even though he never says the words, I don't need them--his eyes may be closed, but his heart is in them

I worry, of course, that he'll die. I haven't told him yet about my little curse... The words stick in my throat. I have tried, but it's one mission I haven't been able to complete. I worry because I love him so easily. It just flows out of me, no hitches, no glitches, no qualifiers, just straight from my heart to Heero. But what if I kill him? I killed the others: Solo first, then Father and Sister, the two people I've ever met who really deserved to live. Is Heero next? I'm a bad-luck charm, but I've gone and hung myself around Heero's neck and I just don't want to leave. Not everyone has their very own God of Death--am I marking him? Are the hordes of Evil going to triumph one day soon and take him from me? I want him to be with me. With me. Forever

Forever is a big word for me. I've never had a "forever" in my life before. I know I will die if he does--inside, at least. I couldn't take losing him. The others--maybe I was just too young, too much of a smartass, too self-sufficient--but already I know that the pain I felt losing them is nothing compared to the pain I feel at just the *thought* of losing Heero

So--forever?

The enormity of it staggers me. Do I love him enough to fill eternity? I know I do. But can he live through it?

I sigh, and touch his parted lips. He's my angel. I would die without him. I would die for him. But most of all, I'm going to have to live for him, and live to make sure *he* lives. No worthier mission has ever crossed my desk. He shivers, chilled for a moment, and leans his head against my shoulder, seeking my warmth. He breathes my name. I hear the love in his sleep-husky voice

Thank you, God, for the man who watches me sleep.

The End

(:./erin/sleep2)