A squicky ass parody with lots of Dekim Barton wearing costumes that are just plain reprehensible.
"The troops are restless and need to be entertained." says a soldier.
"Grandfather, we must do something!" said Mariemeia.
Dekim had finished putting on the mascara, the stockings, the 5-inch high heels and the blonde wig. He then finished it all off by putting on a feather boa. "It's show time!"
Mariemeia Khushrenada runs unto the stage and says, "I proudly announce that Dekim Barton, my grandfather, is gracing us with his presence and many talents." She then leads the crowd into a clapping session.
In the crowd are Trowa and Wufei, looking very unhappy. "Geez, this is going to suck. I hope this isn't going to be as long as my Shen long."
"... " groused Trowa.
Dekim came out wearing a white dress, somewhat reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe's dress in the Seven year Itch. The word somewhat is used due to the fact that Dekim's figure was in no way like Marilyn Monroe despite the false boobs sewn into the dress.
Wufei claps his hands over his eyes from the sudden intense pain and howls. Trowa, having gotten used to seeing the ringmaster in shorts, merely cries from the agony. The rest of the soldiers, strangely enough, look happy.
He manages to belt out an on-key rendition of "I want to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you" in a scary falsetto before having air blown up his skirt, which is luckily kept down by his big beefy hands.
Wufei says, "Keep... hands... down."
"Please," adds Trowa.
A soldier taps them on the shoulder. "We need some help backstage."
Both Trowa and Wufei flee from the audience to the backstage. "What help is needed?" said Wufei.
"Oh, Wu-chan!" cries Mariemeia, who glomps unto him. My adorable, kawaii panda man, she thought to herself.
The stage manager says, "Well, you and Trowa have to get into these outfits." She points to a pair of mini-skirts and tube tops. "You're the dancers."
"What for!" screamed Wufei.
"Well, they're for Deky-baby's next number, of course," says the stage manager, rolling her eyes. "Duh."
"Didn't you think of getting dancers for this number prior to the show?" stated Trowa.
"Well, actually I did, but look over there." Two women were flat on their backs, frothing at the mouth. "They caught a glimpse of Deky-baby and well, you know."
Trowa and Wufei reluctantly get into their costumes. "We don't have to touch him, do we?" said Trowa.
The stage manager shook her head. "Nope, just dance behind him and remember to shake that booty."
"Yeah, shake that booty!" said Mariemeia, looking especially at Wufei.
Wufei stared at her strangely.
Dekim Barton ran off stage, then jumped into his changing room.
Mariemeia got back on stage and said, "Dekim will now do a song by the greatest songmeister of the 21st century. Ricky Martin!"
Dekim Barton runs on stage in tight jeans, a clingy brown top and a short, brown wig; and starts to bellow out, "Living La Vida Loca." He does this while shaking his hips and trying to move his arms in a somewhat rhythmic fashion.
Trowa and Wufei reluctantly dance behind him.
Trowa thought to himself, El chupacabra es muy loco.
Wufei thinks to himself, This is my kharmic punishment for everything I ever said and did to Nataku.
The crowd, however, eat up this squick-laced confection and cheer. Dekim smiles and bows. "Thank you, all of you." He runs off stage to do another costume change.
Mariemeia dressed as Card Captor Sakura, runs on stage and says, "Wasn't that exciting? To give him a rest, I'll try out my stand-up routine. Ok, how many Relenas does it take to change a lightbulb?"
Meanwhile back stage, Dekim turns to the stage manager and says, "How was I?"
"You were manifique, Deky-baby."
Dekim Barton mopped his brow with a handkerchief. "Oh, I've never performed before so many." He then drank some water.
There was a sudden burst of laughter from the crowd. Then Mariemeia said, "What is with that spandex, anyway?"
Dekim then said, "All right, I better get ready for my next number. My dancers have to get ready, too."
Wufei and Trowa look at the next round of costumes. Wufei says, "What are cones doing on these outfits?"
"Shut up and put on this wig!" said the stage manager.
Mariemeia glanced off stage and said, "All right, grandfather is going to do a specialty of his. Madonna!"
The crowd claps and cheers. The curtain closed then opens to show Dekim Barton in black teddy with tassels. He was also wearing fishnet stockings and elbow-length gloves. Wufei and Trowa behind him had the misfortune of wearing conical bras complete with tassels and hot pants, much to their chagrin. On their heads were wigs matching their hair color that gave them an enormous ponytail. They were also wearing large hoop earrings and red, red lipstick.
Dekim stood up and started to sing, "Like a Virgin." Both Wufei and Trowa tried their best to dance with their hands covering their eyes, but nearly facevaulted when they heard the chorus:
Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine
The two G-boys who had faced down dozens of mobile suits without flinching were beginning to whimper at all this abuse. "Trowa," whispered Wufei to Trowa. "I don't think I can stand anymore of looking at the way Dekim's blindingly pale, saggy butt bounces around." And what was worse was that they had a front and center view.
"... " screamed Trowa.
"Yes, the outfits are also atrocious," agreed Wufei.
Slowly, taking little peeks from between their fingers, they manage to trip Dekim Barton by toying with some of the lines lying on the stage floor. The curtain closes when he falls flat on his face.
"Damn, I think I pulled something," says Dekim.
"This is horrible," says Mariemeia. She claps her hands and says, "Get the chiropractor!"
The chiropractor comes.
"You must attend to my grandfather," commands Mariemeia.
The chiropractors turn to see his patient. Instantly, tears from the chiropractor's eyes gush to such an extent that they wet the soldiers surrounding him.
"I command you to stop crying!"
"I'm sorry. It's terribly unprofessional of me," he apologized. Two soldiers proceeded to wheel Dekim on a gurney while the chiropractor stops crying... as much.
"This is terrible," cries Mariemeia. "I've run out of jokes and there was one more song to do. Oh, whatever shall I... " Then she narrows her eyes and smiles. "Oh, panda bear, I have a small favor to ask of you."
"What?" Wufei had ripped the wig off his head and threw off the conical bra. That kid, she looks at me with such depraved interest, he thought while wiping off the make-up off his face.
"Trowa," said Wufei, wearing hot pants.
"... "
"Are you sure you don't want to commit double suicide?"
"... " disagreed Trowa, also in hot pants.
"Damn," said Wufei.
Wufei then begins to sing "Sometime" by Erasure:
"It's not the way you lead me
By the hand into the bedroom
It's not the way you leave your clothes
Upon the bathroom floor
Been thinking about you
I just couldn't wait to see
Fling my arms around you
As we fall in ecstasy"
Trowa then sings:
"Ooh sometimes
The truth is harder
Than the pain inside
Ooh sometimes
It's the broken heart
That decides"
Wufei then sings:
"It's not the way you caress me
Toy with my affection
It's not my sense of emptiness
You fill with your desire
Climb in bed beside me
We can lock the world outside
Touch me satisfy me
Want your body next to mine"
The few girls in the audience yell, "KYAAAAAHHHHHHH!" in ecstacy. Mariemeia smiles at the singing bishonen, thinking, When I rule the world, these two shall sing at my coronation. The boys in the audience drop their jaws, then yell, "Wu, Wu, Wu," then "Tro, Tro, Tro."
Dekim weeps. "Damn, I wanted to sing that with Wufei."
The End
(:./mk/show1)
