He looked at Quatre and Duo, both of whom were moping. "What in Nataku's name is wrong with the both of you?"
"Man trouble," chorused the two.
Wufei sniffed. "What exactly is wrong?"
"I don't know how to get it across to Heero how much I want him?"
"My problem is with Trowa. He's so alluring yet confusing."
"Well, you've come to the right man for advice. I am the Master of Woo, the art of courtship."
Both pilots look skeptical.
"Well, I was married once and I am currently in a relationship with a certain someone," said Wufei, sticking out his chest with pride.
"Treize?" said Duo.
"No!"
"Your Gundam?" said Quatre.
"NO!"
"Master O?" said Duo.
Wufei flipped Duo the bird. "Sally, you twit!"
"Oh, wow, an older woman. I didn't know you were into that."
"Do you want my help or not?" screamed Wufei.
Quatre and Duo throw each other uneasy glances then Duo says, "Well, it can't get any worse. It might actually do some good."
Heat waves rise out from Wufei's head. "Why is it that you are treating me like I'm some sort of nitwit! I'm a scholar, warrior and know what the score is and how to score! So, treat your new master with respect!"
"New... master," says Quatre.
"OK, here you are... "
Duo and Quatre look at the scantrons and the test booklets. "What the hell is this?" said Duo.
"Call me Master W."
"I'm not calling you Master W!" said Quatre.
"Want my help or not?"
Both Duo and Quatre grumble but nod.
"The tests are to figure out in what areas of Woo you are deficient!"
"Ain't nothing deficient about my Woo!" said Duo, smiling rather naughtily.
"Kisama, I'm not talking about the stick you pee out of. I'm talking about the way you court the woman of your dreams... " Wufei says, temporarily forgetting he is talking to two guys who are interested in two other guys.
"Oh, Wufei, Trowa IS NOT a woman!" said Quatre.
"Neither is Heero!"
"Well, excuse me for being heterosexual!" says Wufei, who goes into a corner and pouts.
"Come back, Wufei."
"I'm meditating, go away."
Duo and Quatre sigh then chorus, "We're sorry, Master W."
Wufei perks up and says, "Now, fill out your tests!"
Duo and Quatre sit on the couch, awaiting the results of their test. Wufei has on his little glasses and clucks his tongue. "You two are totally deficient in Woo power. Just as I thought."
"Those were silly questions," complained Duo. "I mean what kind of question is this? How important are flowers? Guys aren't interested in flowers!"
"Idiot, they are tokens of many things: romantic interest, a plea for forgiveness, a get-well message!"
"What is this question about PMS? Trowa and Heero do not get PMS!"
"Okay, skip that question. But all the other questions are relevant."
"But I won't be having in-laws and neither will Heero."
"Well, that question does have relevance in my case," said Quatre. "I have 29 sisters."
@_@ went Duo. "Holy crap," he said, "How will Trowa survive that?"
"That will also be covered in my lesson plan," said Wufei. "I'm afraid I will have to train you from the very beginning as you are both utterly inept. Have you reached friendship stage with your respective targets?"
"Yes," chorus Duo and Quatre.
Meanwhile, Heero and Trowa were listening in on what was going on in Wufei's room.
"... " commented Trowa, looking as if he was about to bust a gut.
"... " commented Heero with a smile.
They both went out of the house and laughed out loud. Trowa then said, "Shall we tell them we know what they're doing?"
"No, I want to see what they do with his advice."
Then they both start laughing again.
Back in Wufei's room, Wufei said, "Lesson 1! Onna... er... whatever like strong men. Clingy, spineless jellyfish disgust women!" He stopped to make various noises of disgust. "Er... just replace the word 'women' with the word of your choice! If you cry, whine or call on them for help, it is the worst."
Be strong, wrote Quatre in his notebook while Duo just made a face.
"Lesson 2! Flowers are important."
Flowers important, wrote Quatre in his notebook.
"Flowers?" said Duo. "Heero's not going to like flowers."
"Just try it and see. They are to be used to express affection and one's apologies. Do not skimp on your bouquets."
Wufei gave a little cough then said, "Lesson 3: When you are presenting yourself, you should take care to show yourself at your best. That is why my white pants are always spotlessly clean and my hair is shiny and perfectly pulled back in a ponytail without a stray hair! You must make a good impression whether you are fighting the enemy or showing up for dinner. Holey underwear are strictly verboten. I will skip the lecture about bathing frequently as I know you two are good about personal hygiene."
"Lesson 4: If your woman has good advice, follow it. In order to discern if she has good advice, make sure at least one part of your brain is focused on what she is saying. Why are you staring at me like that?"
"Well, this is coming from the guy who runs around saying that women are weak."
"I said they were weak. I didn't say they were retarded."
"Ah," said Quatre. Take bath, he wrote in his notebook, no holey underwear and listen to your Trowa if he has anything to say.
"Well, except for Noin and Relena," said Wufei. "I don't approve of either of them. I will skip the protecting one's woman from evil lesson as your loved ones should be able to protect themselves. Lesson 5 is a simple one that so many men forget. Do not fart or burp in front of your woman, that is profoundly disgusting. Noxious gases are not a turn-on, especially not in an enclosed space."
Quatre and Duo face vault.
"Sit back up! You must clench your butt until you are several yards away then release. It is painful but it must be endured."
Just having got up, Quatre and Duo face vault again.
Wufei continued, "Lesson 6: Around your woman, one must pretend not to be a total hentai. All men are hentais, but they must not show it. You must learn to cleanse your mind of bad thoughts from time to time, at least so the one you love won't think you're thinking bad thoughts 95% of the time. A typical man should bring it down to 85%. I, Master of Woo, have my mind totally under control and can scoff at things that would shoot geysers of blood out of an ordinary mortal's nose. Later, I will show you various ways to meditate to fill your mind with emptiness."
Duo decided to keep his mouth shut as Wufei was in a fighting stance while lecturing.
"Lesson 7: Love Rivals. There are many ways to get rid of love rivals. Ways of violence are discouraged as they create pity for the victim. No, you must outshine your rivals in the ways that count like poetry, massage and dance."
"Dance?" spat Duo. "I can't imagine you dancing."
Wufei pouted. "When dancing, you must take the lead of your woman and... "
Quatre raised his hand. "Yes, Quatre."
"Trowa and Heero aren't WOMEN!"
"I'm going off into the corner and meditating."
"Master W, get back here!"
"I'll have you know that Bruce Lee paid for his passage to America by teaching dance lessons. I know the tango, the samba, the cha-cha." He then proceeded to demonstrate a one-man version of the cha-cha.
Quatre smiled, It was worth listening to all this just to see him dance.
Wufei then stopped and said, "Your homework assignment for tonight is to bathe, get rid of your holey underwear and bring flowers to the ones you love. Come back in a couple days to absorb more of the art of Woo. These lessons will then be expanded upon and new lessons will be introduced. You are dismissed. What do you say?"
"Thank you, Master W," chorus Quatre and Duo. W is for wombat, thought Duo.
After leaving Wufei's room, Duo pulled Quatre aside and said, "I think there's one person we should ask before we decide to practice the art of Woo."
"Hi, Duo. Hi, Quatre. What are you doing here? Is something wrong with Wufei?" said Sally.
"Oh, no, just the usual stuff."
"Oh, I see. Is it mission-related?"
"No, it's kinda personal. We're not sick or anything. We're here to ask a few questions."
"Well, the men are resting from a mission of their own so I have some time. Want some tea? I was brewing some up anyway."
"Thank you very much." As Sally poured them each a glass of green tea, they sat down at an empty card table.
"So, what's going on?"
"We asked Wufei for advice on the art of Woo or how to court someone."
"What?"
"Well, you fell for him. What did he do that was so great," said Duo.
Sally smiled and said, "You don't think he's adorable?"
Quatre and Duo face vault.
"Really now, he's not so bad. If you've ever seen him smile, he's really cute. I would love to do a make-over when it comes to his clothes though. He radiates this tough front but you know that lying just beneath it is this vulnerability that makes me want to take him by the hand. He actually listens to what I say and talks seriously about the important things. I know he has this weird 'woman are weak' thing but I'm working on it. Overall, he's really sweet. What did he say, anyway?"
Duo then gave a brief summary of Wufei's 'lessons.'
Sally laughed. "Ahaha, I bet he lectured with a straight face, didn't he?"
"Yes."
"How kawaiiii!"
Duo thought, We are talking to one demented woman.
"Well, what do we do now?" said Quatre as they drove home.
Quatre went into Trowa's room with a dozen white roses. "These are for you."
"Thank you, Quatre."
"I also brought you a vase to put them in." Trowa looked surprised.
"That's a Ming vase."
"Oh, I have lots of those at home. It's nothing. Um, do you want to play another duet?" "I'm always glad to." Trowa flashed him a small smile.
YES, thought Quatre.
Heero walked into see Duo lying on a bed of rose petals, freshly bathed and without holey underwear or anything else. "Hey, Heero. Like these roses?" The inevitable happened.
Meanwhile, Wufei drove up to Sally's camp dressed in a tux, holding a bouquet. Sally looked at him and said, "What the... "
"I heard you were taking a break. There's a ballroom downtown. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind being Ginger Rogers to my Fred Astaire."
"I don't have the right clothes."
"There's a couple dresses in the trunk. See if you like any of them."
"You are such the epitome of coolness." And people wonder why I go out with him, thought Sally. As they drove to town, a song came up on the radio:
"There may be troubles ahead,
but while there's moonlight, song and romance,
let's face the music and dance... "
The End
(:./mk/woo)
