10-Mar-2001
well, now. i dedicate this to alan mah, who wanted a 2x5, and to jade who
keeps asking me if i've posted anything *today*. and now i have!! also, i
stole the title from the great and glorious elvis costello, long may he
rule!
Disclaimer: Sunrise, Bandai et al own GW, Elvis Costello owns 'Just A
Memory', and I own nothing. Suing would be pointless.
WARNING: 2x5 (barely!!), TWT, lime (almost!), angst-like, OOC
*=emphasis
/=thoughts
~~~=Wufei's POV flashback
Wufei sat on the hill apart from the others, and watched the fireworks. /So the war was over, so what? There had been wars before, and there would be again. The urge towards conflict is ingrained in our natures./ He smiled briefly. /Still, the fireworks *are* pretty./
He watched the small figures dance about at the bottom of the hill. Even at this distance he could recognize the wild exuberance of Duo, his braid flying behind him like a comet's tail. He watched as Duo flung himself at Heero, champagne spraying everywhere.
Wufei closed his eyes. It was times like this that his preference for solitude came in handy. Nobody bothered him, no-one thought him odd. 'Oh, Wufei? Don't worry about him, he *likes* being alone.'
/I am a Gundam pilot, a scholar, and the last surviving member of my clan. I should be able to school my thoughts with ease. I should be able to train my mind from having certain thoughts./
He looked once more at Duo, whose laughing smile lit the night sky more brightly than any firework. /And yet. . ./ Without conscious volition, Wufei's thoughts drifted back to a different type of explosion that had split the night sky, and the shocking, jagged trajectory taken by Heero's limp body.
I wasn't even that close, the shock waves didn't even rock my Nataku, but I had visual communication with all the pilots. And I will *never* forget the look on Duo's face when he realized what had happened. His eyes were so wide and so empty and so. . . hurt. As if it were personal, a betrayal of sorts.
After the self-destruct, we all ran away to lick our wounds. It was weak and cowardly, but I *was* weak then, and unworthy. I sulked and pouted like the child I was.
I managed to finally gather my self-respect, and return to fight. It was almost a month later when I saw Duo again. He had been travelling with Quatre. He laughed and gestured as he told of his adventures, but his eyes stayed cold and dead.
I grabbed his hands in the middle of a particularly complicated story about Rashid and three camels and held them still. They fluttered in my grasp like a trapped sparrow.
"Grieve if you want to," I told him. "It does not make you weak. It *is* weak to deny your feelings." Duo became completely still, and then without warning hit me so hard I saw my ancestors. He spent the rest of the night locked in his Gundam.
The next morning was. . . odd. He acted as if nothing had happened, but he also stopped speaking with that unnatural forced cheer. With my natural reticence and his uncommon silence, it made for a quiet day.
Finally, as I was making dinner, Duo came and watched me for a moment before speaking. "I was thinking," he said, "Maybe you could say something nice to me, and then I could kick you in the nuts?"
My eyes met his, and in their depths I could see the glimmers of humor and apology. Just tiny flickerings, but they were real, not the mask of gaiety he had been showing the world. He laughed, really laughed, when I suggested we skip over the kicking.
We were together for five months. At first I think he liked travelling with me because I accepted him as he was. I did not require assurance that he was 'all right'. He told me talking with Quatre left him drained, trying to be happy so that *Quatre* would be happy. He told me I was 'restful'.
Later, we became friends. I taught him my katas and my philosophy. I told him my tale of honor and vengence, and he understood. Oh yes, Duo understood well the debts the dead can lay against your soul.
He taught me things as well. He showed me the joy implicit in every moment, the good that is hidden in the darkest times. He brought a balance and levity back to my heart, and for that I will always be grateful.
Later still, we became something more. I would say we were lovers, but that word has implications that never really applied to what we shared. We shared our thoughts, our dreams; we shared what comfort our bodies could offer, but we did not share love.
I knew his world was still centered around Heero, but I didn't care. He took what was offered, and I think he tried to be kind. He never spoke when we made love; I think it was the third time before I realized he was trying desperately not to call out for Heero.
Cliché though it is, times *does* heal all wounds, and I thought I could see signs that he was coming to care for me as *me*, and not just as a warm body in which to bury his sorrows.
I remember private jokes that set us to laughing; sweet drugging kisses in the moonlight; a hand trailing slowly across my cheek; the sharp, shining joy the first time he took me, lying on a sunlit lawn, my throat sending his name as an offering to the sky.
There *were* signs, I know I was not mistaken. At least, that's what I told myself. A lonely man has the right to dream, doesn't he?
But Duo never unbound his hair for me.
One day too soon, the shining tower of lies I had built came tumbling down. The day Quatre burst into the house, blue eyes glowing like the winter sun, shouting "Look, oh look! Look who Trowa found!"
Duo, *my* Duo, grew as still and as quiet as I have ever seen him. He sank to his knees, shaking and dry-eyed. Heero's eyes flicked between Duo and me; sharp, missing nothing. He looked to be in pain, and so weary.
That was the first night Duo did not come to my room. Oh, he didn't go to Heero's either; Duo is neither cruel nor careless, no matter what his carefree nature may imply. But he did not come to me, and that told me all I needed to know.
He came to see me the next morning, twisting his braid in his hands like an errant child. I spoke before he could, not wanting to hear the 'I'm sorrys' and 'I didn't means' tumbling from his sweet lips.
"Didn't I once tell you, Duo, that it is weak to deny your feelings?" His mouth dropped open in shock, and I took advantage, stealing one last kiss. "Go. He is your heart." A lone tear slid down his cheek and he was gone.
Sometimes I think that tear was the only thing he gave me that I didn't share with Heero's ghost.
I had to let him go. Even a lonely dreamer like myself can tell the difference between being second-best, and being a stand-in. But oh! I wish it had been different.
Wufei stood on the hill, and watched his friends walk away. It seemed as if Heero turned to wave, before catching up with the others. /Heero sought me out once. He cornered me by Nataku, and for a moment I thought I was dead. But he just put his hand on my shoulder and said 'Thank you'./
The starlit night was calling him, and slowly Wufei climbed into the cockpit of his Gundam. The screens flickered to life around him, comforting but cold. /Twice now, I have held a loving heart in my hands, only to watch it slip away. Still, it is more than most people *ever* have. I will strive to be grateful./
Wufei went through the pre-flight check almost unconciously, preapring for take-off. /Now is a time for new beginnings. All this is just the past, a memory, over and done with. It means nothing to me. I will face the future and be glad./ He laughed quietly, and his hand reached out and gently touched the photos taped to the control console. /Ah, my love, you always said I was a horrible liar./
The Gundam blasted away, scorching the grassy hillside.
Losing you
is just a memory
memories
don't mean that much to me
now---'Just A Memory' by Elvis Costello
END END END
that's it. what did you think?
yeah, i know, i know. i'm no lilias. but i do my best.
(:./hyuy/memory)
