23-Jul-2000
Disclaimer: Not mine, not for profit.
Warning: kinda AU, probably OOC, dark-ish, kinda depressing (Murasaki needs to switch to something other than Prozac...), tiny bit of shounen-ai
[Some time later]
Rowan stretched as he slowly blinked sleep out of his eyes. He squinted at the clock, then remembered it was Saturday and he didn't have to be anywhere in a hurry. He padded over to the window and looked out. It was a typical October morning - cloudy and somber. It had rained during the night and now the soggy leaves were quietly whispering in the wind. The water in the lake reflected the subdued hues of the sky and Rowan thought today would be a perfect day for painting. Rainy days always put him in a somewhat depressed mood, but at the same time it was then that he was at his most creative [1].
Rowan set his art supplies by the window overlooking the garden where the last of the autumn flowers were trying to stand their ground against the cold rain. It was this soaked garden with its nearly naked trees and dying flowers that would be the subject of today's picture. As Rowan worked, he allowed a part of his brain to wander off and his thoughts eventually tracked back to the events of the past months. He'd had no more flashbacks of the truly nightmarish quality. There was just a constant dull ache in the background of his mind, a vague sense of loss, as if there had been memories that were irreparably damaged, beyond recognition. Irretrievable memories. Rowan learned to deal with this ache, more or less. From time to time, though, he felt like whatever was inside him was simply lying dormant, waiting for something to happen, expectant. Time would tell.
Rowan also got a bit closer to Heero the ghost. They weren't friends - yet. But they had gotten over their initial mutual animosity. Now, they found each other's presence almost comforting in a way. Neither was willing to delve into the other's deeply hidden secrets or share his own. At first, the silences were awkward but gradually they became less so. Companionable silences that they both enjoyed. And, perhaps, they learned more about each other from these quiet moments than they would have talking. Rowan found himself drawn to the ghost. Could one be attracted to a ghost? Maybe attraction was a wrong term to use; maybe it was that Rowan was happy not to be alone anymore. Regardless of what this feeling was, he found it both disconcerting and pleasant.
Heero gazed upon Rowan's sleeping form. For once, the boy was sleeping peacefully, without thrashing about or crying out in terror. Heero had watched him sleep enough times to know that nightmares were a usual companion of the teenager's slumber. Whatever dark shadow plagued his past came back to haunt him when he was at his most defenseless. But now, he was breathing evenly, and there was even a hint of a smile on his lips. Heero sighed inwardly as he tried yet again to figure out what his true feelings for the boy were. He had gone across a wide range of emotions - from dislike to curiosity to gentle attachment to... To what? Love, some insidious voice inside Heero whispered. What was love? Heero might have felt it once, but it had been so long he was no longer certain he knew what love really was.
// Do you feel emptiness inside you that only he can fill? //
// Yes. //
// Do you feel lost without him? //
// Yes. //
// Do you feel you could do anything, sacrifice everything for him? //
// Yes. //
// Do you care for him so much it hurts? //
// Yes. //
// Then you know what love is. //
Heero wasn't sure he wanted to know what love was. He and Rowan belonged in different worlds, worlds that could never cross. They could never be together even if Rowan accepted Heero's feelings, which he never would. And Heero would never divulge his secret - not for fear of rejection, but because he didn't want to make the boy's life any more difficult than it already was.
Rowan stirred in his sleep and mumbled something. Something inside Heero broke loose and a wave of desperate longing washed over him. What he wanted - what he _needed_ - was Duo, Heero knew that. There would never be, could never be, any substitute for him. And the more Heero thought about it, the more he came to realize how much he was trying to make Rowan into Duo in his mind. Or was it that he was feeling guilty for betraying Duo's memory and so was making excuses for himself? Was it that Heero simply wouldn't allow himself to feel anything for anyone because of what he'd lost? He didn't know. He wasn't sure. He was hurting. He wanted peace. He was tired. He'd been in this world for too long, seen too much. He just wanted to sleep - an eternal sleep. A release, everlasting. He'd been promised forgiveness so long ago but still he didn't know what to do to obtain it. Torn between the present in the shape of this strange boy, and the past full of dark ghosts like himself, Heero felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces with Rowan's every breath.
[Flashback to several months before]
// Why haven't you tried to get rid of me like you did others before? //
[Back to the present]
Heero almost made the decision to leave Rowan alone forever and not to trouble him any longer when the boy whimpered in his sleep, a frown wrinkling his forehead. Heero hesitated again. He recalled Rowan saying how he thought Heero's answer would help him find _his_ peace. What if it was true? Heero wondered. What if he could really help the teenager get rid of his pain and have a normal life? How could he pass up the chance, however feeble? He was debating what road to choose when a voice spoke up right next to him.
"A hard choice to make, isn't it?"
Heero tensed, if ghosts can tense, as he recognized the voice and the presence as those of the Messenger from long ago. The one who condemned him to this, quasi-existence. Then he remembered the Messenger's parting words, "...When you see me you'll know your answer." Did this mean his ordeal was over?
"Why are you here?"
"Well, you looked like you could use some help, kid, so I came. Have you solved my riddle yet?" Well, so much for the end of the ordeal.
"No."
"Well, that's too bad. I thought you were a smart kid..."
"Hn."
"I'm here to give you a hint. Your fate depends on what you decide to do about this boy, Rowan."
"What do you mean?"
"Heh, I think I gave you enough of a clue. You're on your own from here, son."
And with that, the Messenger was gone as suddenly as he showed up, leaving Heero to ponder his words again. I have to tell him the truth, the spirit realized unexpectedly. If I can help him find peace, I'll have accomplished my goal as well. Even if that's not what I'm supposed to learn, I will have done a good deed at least. Heero snorted at his own naivete. A good dead, indeed! The whole affair was complete nonsense. But Heero made his decision; whatever the consequences might be, at least he would try.
"You.like me?" Rowan breathed out once he got past the initial shock, "That's why you watched me all this time?"
"Yes." The ghost's voice sounded pained, as if he was forcing himself to speak.
Rowan was silent for a moment. Then he said something that felt like a knife cutting into Heero's phantom skin.
"Bullshit."
Rowan turned on his heels and headed toward the stairs (he'd been upstairs in his room). He was fuming; he was upset. He wasn't sure why. Just something about this whole thing was very wrong, somehow. The thought of a ghost being in love with him disturbed Rowan greatly. Besides, the ghost was probably making fun of him. He was lying. He had to be.
Heero spoke up behind him.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."
"No, you shouldn't."
"Look, I."
Heero reached out to touch Rowan's shoulder, to stop him from leaving, forgetting the boy wouldn't feel his touch.
"Don't you dare touch me!" The boy spat out, whirling around, shrugging his hand off. Before they both realized what had actually transpired. What happened next was unexplainable, even more so than all the prior events. Rowan was staring at a boy about his own age, with unruly dark hair and blue eyes. A boy whose face he'd drawn before. The boy who haunted his dreams. The boy he _knew_. The boy.
"Heero?" Rowan whispered, staring. Heero stared back, speechless, stunned.
A series of images flashed through the mortal boy's mind like a bunch of slides going by on a screen. The fight, the screaming, a hand on his shoulder, the fall. The darkness.
"Oh, my God, " he managed to say, "I remember it all now. We had a fight, you and I. I fell."
Heero could do nothing but stare. Then it hit him. The puzzle was complete for both of them.
"Duo." It was not a question, simply a statement of understanding. Rowan/Duo nodded and smiled shakily.
"I understand now," he said.
"I don't understand how, or why, but this is my chance to tell you what I never said all those years ago." Heero had been given a second chance somehow and he was determined not to waste it, not to waste any of the precious seconds that this miracle lasted.
"I love you, Duo. I always have. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I know a sorry doesn't cut it, but I mean it. I've craved your forgiveness all this time. Can you forgive me? Please?"
He looked up into Duo's shining violet eyes and saw the joy written there.
"Apology accepted, koi. We were both fools back then, you know."
"I love you."
"I know."
Duo raised his hand to touch Heero's cheek but, as his fingers met the other's skin, the moment shattered.
Rowan blinked, trying to figure out what just happened. Then he saw the pale shape standing not three feet away from him. He knew it had to be the ghost and, instinctively, he backed away. Into empty air.
End Part 10
Note:
[1] Actually, this characterization is more about me than Rowan *grin* I'm usually at my most creative when I'm depressed *sighs*
What'd you think? C&C craved!!! Part 8 and Epilogue will be posted tomorrow or Monday.
(:./murasaki/second10)
