Title: No Reason -- 2/3 -- Living Free Series -- Fic 3
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2 friendship
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, Language, Slight Violence
Archived: Yep! Thanks Lev :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. I don't own the songs 'My Sacrifice' or 'Hide' either. This is the third fic in a series inspired by the song 'My Sacrifice' by Creed, which will appear in part throughout the rest of the series. //lyrics// = the song actually playing in the background.
Heero shook his head in wry amusement as they boarded the shuttle. Duo only had a small gym bag and Heero's duffel wasn't much bigger; they looked like a couple of vagabonds heading for the Promised Land. Heero made a mental note to definitely buy some new clothes when they reached their destination. After stowing their bags in the overhead compartment, they settled down into their seats, Duo taking the window at Heero's insistence. The Japanese boy then pulled out a small personal MP3/CD player. He'd rigged two headsets to one adapter so he and Duo could listen to the same thing at the same time. It was silly, but Duo had genuinely smiled at him, seeming to be pleased with the gesture when they'd used the contraption for the first time on the bus to the shuttle port that morning. Heero didn't regret doing it.
Their flight was going to be a couple of hours long, so he'd decided to use the time to relax. Passing one set of earphones to his seatmate, he positioned his own before pressing play. The song was another one from the CD they'd been playing in the room for the past couple of days. Although Duo had quite a few different discs, this one just seemed to have a special meaning for them. The lyrics were always so appropriate for whatever one or both of them were feeling, and the songs had become sort of a soundtrack for their quest to begin living -- a reminder of what they were looking for when they faltered. At least, that's how Heero felt about it. He was almost positive Duo did too from the way the other boy responded to the music.
//When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others, we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice//
Duo turned to grin at Heero when the song began playing before leaning his head back on the rest and closing his eyes, the music soothing the uncertainty he was trying to hide from his friend. Duo wasn't entirely sure about what they were doing, but at least they were doing it together. The CD had become their 'theme disc' of sorts for this 'mission', as Heero had referred to it that morning at the hotel, much to Duo's consternation. Leave it to Heero to make learning how to live a mission. Of course, Duo had made helping Heero one, so why not? The braided boy sighed at that, not even noticing when he shifted to lean against Heero's shoulder, seeking out the familiar source of comfort. He was asleep in no time.
Heero looked over at his companion as Duo settled against him. He wasn't so naive to believe that the other boy had managed to conquer all of his fears during the past couple of days; he could tell Duo was hiding again and could only hope the braided boy would open up once they reached their destination. Duo needed to find the peace he so desperately longed for; Heero wanted it as badly for his friend as he did for himself. Satisfied that the other boy was comfortable for the moment, Heero closed his own eyes, letting the music that had become an anchor for him practically overnight and the warmth of the boy beside him ease him into a state of rest.
"Mr. Maxwell, Mr. Yuy," the blonde woman greeted them, "such a pleasure to finally meet you both."
Heero fought with all of his strength to keep from smirking at his best friend as Duo sighed. It was rather painfully obvious that the woman still thought they were 'a couple'. It didn't bother Heero. Duo was quite attractive and if someone thought the braided boy wanted to be with him, it was a compliment of sorts. He just didn't know if Duo minded the assumption. From the look on the braided boy's face, Duo was between slightly amused and slightly frustrated; he apparently chose amused and decided to have fun with it.
"Miss Reid, the pleasure is ours, I'm sure," he replied gallantly, taking her hand. "My... partner... and I are deeply grateful for you coming all the way out here to show us the house."
Heero rolled his eyes at Duo where the woman couldn't see but didn't say anything to contradict the other boy as they began the tour. He about choked when Duo reached out and took his hand, holding it like they did it all the time. The Japanese boy couldn't help but flush, but when he looked at his 'partner', Duo just winked, a wicked grin on his face. Heero decided to just let Duo enjoy himself. It wasn't as if either one of them were involved with anyone else anyway. What could it hurt?
The beach house was fully furnished but still had a homey feel to it in spite of the neutrally shaded colors. As Duo began looking around the living room, Miss Reid led Heero to the kitchen. Once alone, the braided boy marveled at the serenity he felt in the place as he walked to the sliding glass doors that led to the deck facing the beach. The view was perfect, and he felt the sudden urge to go play in the surf. Smiling to himself, he turned to survey the room. The tan couch and matching recliners looked comfortable, and the massive wooden coffee table would be useful for eating in there while watching television. And what a television! From the looks of it, the thing was probably a thirty-six inch screen. The stereo system wasn't too shabby either, having a CD changer, a DVD/MP3 player, and a gaming unit all connected. Duo was impressed with the technology, but for him, the best part of the room was the huge fireplace. He could see himself and Heero sitting there in the evenings, talking or reading. It gave him a contented feeling just thinking about it... which kind of frightened him.
"Well, what do you think so far?" Miss Reid asked as she and Heero walked back into the living room.
Duo looked at Heero, seeing an expectant look in those dark blue eyes. He smiled; hiding his hesitation like it had never been there. "I like it. Heero?"
Heero gave him a searching look before replying, "Me too." He then turned to the realtor. "We'll take it."
It didn't take long to sign the lease and transfer the funds for the deposit. Heero had made sure to have the money readily available for the transaction before they had left the hotel, transferring equal amounts from both his and Duo's private accounts. It was amazing how quickly it all came together. In less than a half hour, Heero and Duo stood in the middle of their newly rented home, not really knowing what to do next.
Finally, Heero looked at his 'partner' and said, "I guess we should figure out which room we want to use."
Duo nodded, slightly dazed by it all, and they began making their way to the bedrooms on the second floor. Following his new housemate, Duo was so lost in thought that he ran into Heero's back as the other boy stopped abruptly in the doorway of the main bedroom. They had agreed to moving a bed and sharing one of the rooms since they both had nightmares sometimes and needed the company. As Duo looked around his friend to see a huge king-sized waterbed in the middle of the room, he immediately knew that wasn't going to work. There wasn't any room for another bed, which meant they either had to split up or share the one. They had slept in the same bed at the hotel for two nights, but this was going to be long term. Duo had shared beds and blankets many times growing up, but had fallen out of the practice in the past few years. He reasoned that he could get used to it again, but he wasn't sure how Heero would feel about it.
Heero hadn't even considered what size the beds would be in the bedrooms. There were three rooms, but the realtor had told him that one of them was outfitted as a study of sorts. The odds were good that the bed in the other room was at least a queen, which meant that they either had to sleep in separate rooms or share the bed in this one. Heero didn't mind sharing, which surprised him. He'd never had anyone to share a bed with until now, and the fact that he had adapted to the idea so quickly made him smile. It felt good waking up to a warm body next to his, especially when that other warm body was Duo. Of course, this wasn't only about what he wanted. He had to find out if Duo was all right with it. The braided boy had been rather shy of physical closeness after waking in the mornings at the hotel. Heero didn't understand how the other boy could be so outgoing and physically demonstrative when it came to joking around and teasing, then be so embarrassed in the morning after seeking comfort in the night when he needed it the most.
"What do you think?" the Japanese boy asked softly.
Duo sighed. Well, he couldn't lie. "I can either take the other room or... you're going to have to get used to waking up with me using you for a body pillow. Your choice, man." Duo shrugged, trying to be flippant.
Heero looked at him for a moment, wondering how the other boy really felt. Finally, he decided to do what he wanted since Duo told him he could. "We'll share. It might help with... the nightmares."
"Yeah, you're probably right about that," Duo replied with a sigh, not knowing if he was happy with Heero's decision or not. He knew the other boy was right about the bad dreams though, so he let it go. "Well, now that we have that settled, I guess we should see about ordering in some dinner. I'm starved!"
Heero nodded and followed his roommate down the stairs, wishing he could read the other boy's mind.
They sat out on the deck in the twilight, enjoying a pizza from a little place in town that delivered. Duo had unbraided his hair, and the long strands were whipping about in the ocean breeze. Heero was dividing his attention between watching his friend and looking out at the tide rolling in onto the shore. The sun had just set and the sky was a dark blue with faint traces of red and orange still at the horizon. The waves were calm, almost tame as they met the sand, and Heero could feel the lapping motion soothing his soul. He suddenly realized that this was the peace he'd been fighting for; this was where he wanted to be.
"I didn't really appreciate this when I first came to Earth," the Japanese boy almost whispered. "I was too busy trying to fight, afraid that I would make a mistake and end up killing innocent people. It was my whole focus -- not to hurt anyone but those who interfered with my missions." He looked over at Duo. "It wasn't that I had to be perfect because of my training. It was to keep me from doing something stupid that cost lives. I just couldn't take the chance of getting distracted. I had once... and it had been fatal."
Duo looked back at Heero, stunned that the other boy was telling him this. He didn't know what to say back. He'd always ignored his own regrets. What good were they? Couldn't change what had happened, so why worry about it? Finally, he found his voice. "Heero, we were just kids. Hell, we still are in many ways, I guess. How they expected us to do what we did is beyond me. I was just a street rat one minute, and then suddenly physics, piloting, and detonation training was being shoved down my throat. I think we can cut ourselves a break or two, buddy. We did the best we could under the circumstances."
There was silence for a few minutes, both boys lost in their own memories until Heero finally said, "I never told you how much it meant to me that you kept trying to be my friend."
Duo grinned. "Well, it was a tough job but somebody had to do it," he quipped.
Heero shook his head. "No, Duo. Nobody *had* to do it. If you hadn't kept on making the effort, I don't know if I would have learned to trust the rest of the pilots, and that could have made a difference in how well we all fought together. Your friendship helped all of us, I think. That's why it's so important for you to know what you mean to us." He looked back at the ocean. "To me."
Duo ducked his head, a little embarrassed. "You guys are my family. Don't ever doubt that, Heero. I just feel... left out sometimes. I mean, it's obvious how Quatre and Trowa feel about each other, and Wufei and Sally have this respectful admiration thing going on. You and Relena have been in love since the moment you guys laid eyes on each other. It just gets lonely sometimes."
"Duo, I'm not in love with Relena," Heero said, his dark blue eyes staring at his friend intently.
Duo snorted. "Sure you are. You might not be able to do anything about it right now, but you'll go to her once you've worked out all of this post-war bullshit. It's just a matter of time, man, so don't fight it."
Heero shook his head. "No, I won't. Duo, *this* is my dream. Where we are right now. I'm... not leaving anytime in the foreseeable future. Relena knows that I don't share her feelings. We already talked about it before I left the hospital. I'm staying here for good." He smiled slightly. "This is my home now."
Duo just sputtered. "But... but you two... whenever she needed you, you always dropped whatever you were doing to go. How can you *not* be in love with her?" The braided boy couldn't understand it.
"I care about her. She means a lot to me as a person and a friend, but that's where it ends. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with her, no more than you do with Hilde." Heero waited for Duo to acknowledge that similarity before continuing, "I want to live on this beach and enjoy the peace I fought for without the complications of the political or social world. She would never be satisfied here. It's that simple."
"I don't know why not," Duo muttered absently as he looked up at the night sky. "I like it here."
"That's why you're here with me and she isn't," Heero replied softly.
Duo looked back over at the other boy. Heero was watching the waves again, a small smile curving his salt-sprayed lips. It was at that moment that Duo realized that Heero was content, and it made Duo ache inside. He wanted that feeling more than anything. He'd gotten a taste of it a few times since they'd arrived at the house, but it still seemed to be just out of his grasp for some reason.
"Well, I'm beat. I think I'll head for bed," he said, picking up the empty pizza box as he got to his feet.
Heero nodded. "All right. I'll be up in a few. I just want to sit here for a little while longer." He didn't see the disappointed look on Duo's face as the other boy turned and walked away.
Heero awoke to the calming sound of waves. He laid there, Duo sprawled out almost on top of him again, and thought about how uncomfortable he would be if it were anyone else in bed with him like that. Duo was a reassuring presence that he needed right now and that thought made him worry about last night. He'd been surprised when he'd come upstairs and found Duo lying on his back, staring at the ceiling much like he had at the hotel that first morning. It had bothered him even more when the other boy had seemed so distant, mumbling 'goodnight' to him before rolling onto his side away from Heero.
Waking with Duo snuggled against him again made Heero realize how guarded Duo usually was when he was conscious. It also made him wonder how the other boy was going to act when he woke in their current position. Duo was on his stomach, his right leg over Heero's, his right arm draped across Heero's chest, and his head lying next to Heero's shoulder. Heero didn't know how he was sleeping like that, but the other boy seemed to be quite content. At least he would be until he got completely awake, Heero thought, smiling to himself. He didn't want to make Duo feel uncomfortable, but they needed to trust each other, and physical touch was essential to that. Heero didn't like Duo hiding from him, and this was a way to get behind his defenses. He knew it was a little underhanded to use something he thought was a weakness, but it was Duo's own fault, and it was for his own good. Yes, Heero knew he was rationalizing, but he didn't care.
They had actually had a rather emotional conversation last night. It had felt good to discuss what he was feeling with Duo and to have the other boy understand. It was what both of them needed and just the little bit that Duo had shared had given Heero a glimpse into how the American thought and felt. It had been so restful to sit there on the deck, eating and talking, and watching the water together. Heero had meant it when he'd told Duo that this was his dream. Relena never could have resigned herself to this, but Heero hoped that Duo would find the same comfort here that he had already so the other boy would never leave. Maybe that's what Duo was afraid of -- actually finding what he had been looking for all of his life.
Heero subconsciously began rubbing Duo's back as he contemplated what they should do today. They needed to get some food into the house, set up bank accounts in town, and buy some more clothes. He wanted to get a stereo system for the bedroom too; Heero missed the music they had fallen asleep to at the hotel. They could use a few kitchen items as well, such as a food processor and some specialty pans that weren't included in the basic kitchenware that came with the rental. They really should shop for some tray tables and folding chairs while they were at it for when they invited the guys for a visit. Heero hoped the letters they had left for their friends had explained enough so they wouldn't worry. They had been careful to not give them any indication of where they were going, agreeing that they both needed time before they could deal with anyone else. From the way things were going, it looked like they needed time to learn to deal with each other. Heero couldn't help but be disappointed; he'd hoped that once they had arrived, Duo would let down his guard some. He was still thinking about it when Duo began to stir.
Duo smiled at the soft touches to his skin as he woke. He'd been dreaming about Heero and him lying on the beach together talking, the surf splashing over them. Heero had then jumped to his feet, daring Duo to catch him. Duo had chased after the Japanese boy, both of them laughing. Then Heero had just stopped running, letting Duo grab hold of him to spin him around to face him. They both had looked at each other for a moment, wordless understanding between them, before Heero had broken away, rushing into the ocean. Duo had followed, and together they had let the waves crash into them, enjoying the freedom of being lifted by the forceful buoyancy. When Duo opened his eyes to the reality of a new day, he realized that he didn't just want to dream about those things; he wanted to actually do them. It filled him with that longing again that made his heart ache.
Waking up with Heero actually holding him was a little... odd. It wasn't that he really minded, but the gentle strokes on his back made him wonder exactly why Heero felt so comfortable doing it. In fact, why did Heero feel so comfortable around him in the first place? Duo knew they were best friends, but the level of intimacy they were beginning to afford each other was more than what normal people would. Of course, they weren't exactly normal either, but still... Duo shifted away, causing Heero to release his hold on him.
"Morning, Sunshine," Heero greeted, an unreadable look on his face.
Duo's unease melted away in the face of Heero's good humor and he snorted. "I don't think calling Shinigami 'sunshine' is very fitting."
Heero chuckled lightly. "It's better than 'damn American baka', isn't it?"
Duo laughed. "Well, you do have a point there... 'Moonbeam'," he countered, grinning madly.
Heero's eyes widened for a moment before he smirked at his bedmate. "Moonbeam, huh? Hmm... I think I could get used to that. Sunshine and Moonbeam kind of fit this place, ne?"
Duo gave him an incredulous look as Heero got out of bed. "You're not serious, right?" He watched Heero continue to walk out of the room. "Right? Heero?" He heard the sound of the bathroom door opening. "Heero? I *so* do not think so, you damn Japanese bastard! Do you hear me?"
Heero's laughter echoed from the bathroom, giving Duo his answer.
Heero set the last of the bags down on the kitchen table, watching as Duo began putting stuff away. It had been a busy morning. They'd found a large shopping center in town and had managed to get everything on Heero's mental list. They had enough food for a couple of weeks and a new stereo for the bedroom was on the couch in the living room with several bags of new clothes lying beside it. They'd also bought a charcoal hibachi and a full-sized gas grill to use on their deck, as well as three folding chairs and tray tables. Heero was glad that they had gone to the car lot first thing and bought themselves a used Toyota Tundra truck, or they never would have made it home with their purchases. Heero still didn't understand why Duo had been surprised when he'd had insisted that they both be on the title of the vehicle; the only way he could get the braided boy to agree was to let him pay half of the cost. Heero had reluctantly given in, deciding that he needed to alleviate that problem as soon as possible.
The next stop after the car lot had been the bank. Heero had immediately suggested that they open a joint account, combining equal amounts of their assets, while keeping separate savings accounts 'for a rainy day'. Duo had seemed hesitant at first, claiming that he didn't want to be able to get into Heero's personal funds, but when Heero had told him that he wanted Duo to be able to draw out the money in case anything ever happened to him, the braided boy had quieted his protests. By the time they were finished, they had ended up signing papers not only for their account but also a power of attorney and a simple will. Duo had joked about finally having an inheritance, but Heero could tell it was forced. When they had left the bank, he'd seen that Duo was upset, but he hadn't known exactly why. Finally, he'd decided to take his friend shopping for new apparel. The grin that had lit up Duo's face had been worth the effort.
They had bought shirts, socks, jeans, and shorts that they could both wear. Heero had been surprised when Duo had suggested sharing their wardrobe, but he couldn't have agreed more with the reasoning behind it. They were both about the same size, and this way, laundry would be kept to a bare minimum. Of course, underwear and shoes were entirely different issues. Duo preferred boxers while Heero wore boxer briefs, so they had each gotten their own. Heero had actually laughed at a few of the prints Duo had picked out, even allowing Duo to talk him into getting some colors in his style. They had also both bought sneakers and sandals. Heero couldn't wait to wear his leather Karachi's on the beach.
After stashing their purchases in their truck, they had headed for the grocery store. It had been a little odd at first; surprisingly, Heero had been the one wanting to buy all the junk food. Duo had shaken his head at him more than once in disbelief, and Heero could tell the other boy was wondering what had happened to the pilot who had complained about eating pizza during the first war. After much teasing and cajoling, they'd managed to compromise on what to get, and Heero had agreed to make stir-fry for lunch. They had passed the section with outdoor cooking appliances, and the rest, as they say, was history. By the time they had finished loading all of their new stuff, the extended cab and the bed of the truck were both jammed full. Heero had offered to let Duo drive home, but the other boy had declined. He'd finally given up on light conversation on the way back when Duo had responded with one-word answers too often, continuing to just stare out the window. They had finished their trip in silence.
Heero didn't know what had triggered the American's defenses. Sure, they had dealt with some serious things today, but that was to be expected now that they were living together. He just didn't know why Duo was so upset. As he put the milk in the refrigerator, Heero frowned. How was he supposed to tell what bothered Duo if the other boy never told him? Heero looked over to see his friend putting away the canned goods. Even though Duo never lied, was the other boy ever truly honest with himself about what he was feeling when faced with a conflicting situation? That question made Heero pause in putting the cereal into the cabinet. What if Duo couldn't be? How the hell could they do this if Duo continued to push him away?
"I'm going to go watch a little TV," Duo announced suddenly, bringing Heero out of his thoughts.
"Duo," Heero began softly, not really knowing what to say. "I'm... sorry. If I upset you, I mean."
Duo glanced at him before looking down at the counter. "You didn't upset me."
Heero sighed. "You've barely spoken to me in the past half-hour, Duo."
Duo turned away to fold the paper bags. "I'm not upset with you. It's just been a long day."
"That's not it and you know it," Heero said, trying to keep his voice level.
"Heero, just... let it be, okay? I don't want to talk about it. It's... not important."
"Of course it's important," Heero argued. "If you're upset about something, it's important to me."
"Heero," Duo began, closing his eyes for a moment. "You won't understand."
"How do you know that unless you try, Duo? Why won't you give me a chance?"
Duo shook his head. "It's all right. I'll be okay. Just leave me alone about it."
"I can't," the dark-haired boy admitted softly. "If I do, you'll never tell me what's bothering you. I don't want you to end up drowning your sorrows..."
"No one made you my keeper!" Duo ground out. "If I want to get drunk, it's none of your damn business!"
Heero made a noise of disgust. "It is my business! What if you decide to drown yourself this time instead? Damn it, Duo, I'm your best friend! I'm the one who picked up the pieces after you tried to self-destruct three days ago, or have you forgotten already who held back your hair while you puked your guts out?"
"I didn't ask you to do that," Duo spat, facing the other boy and throwing his hands around for emphasis. "You just showed up. It's not my fault you chose the wrong person to be friends with."
"Oh, so now this is all my fault? That's really convenient, Duo. Blaming someone else for your own mistakes. That helps make it easier to keep on doing the same stupid shit, doesn't it?"
"Fuck you, Heero! I don't have to put up with this!"
"No, you don't, but why not try being honest with yourself for once?" Heero countered, seeing his words hit their mark. "You say you never lie, but what do you call what you're doing right now? You lie to yourself everyday when it comes to the pain inside and you know it. Why can't you just tell me why you hurt? I can't help if you won't let me."
Duo turned away again and started for the door. "I'm not going to talk about this..."
Heero grabbed hold of the other boy's shoulder. "Oh, yes you are..."
The reaction was immediate. Duo spun around, right fist connecting with Heero's jaw. The Japanese boy stumbled back into the island counter, barely catching himself to keep from ending up on the kitchen floor. Duo just stood there, eyes wide as he realized what he'd done. Heero glared back at him but didn't retaliate. Instead he continued with his original line of questioning as he straightened back up.
"Whose fault was it that you ended up passed out at the hotel, Duo?"
Duo clenched his fists. "Heero, don't. Please. I don't want this..."
"Was it Quatre's because he paid for the room?" Heero continued, ignoring Duo's plea. "Or maybe Trowa's because he didn't see behind your jokes the day you blew up Deathscythe? Or how about Wufei, since he wasn't around at all? Tell me, Duo." He took a step closer, almost daring the braided boy to react again. "Was it mine because I was in the hospital? Hilde's because she was still on L2? Whose fault was it? I want to know who you blame for getting drunk and trying to kill..."
Duo grabbed him and slammed him against the refrigerator door. "Me, Heero! It was my fucking fault! Is that what you want me to say?" he yelled angrily, gripping the front of Heero's tank top as he held Heero in place. "You want me to tell you that I got drunk so I could fucking kill myself? That I almost took a knife and ended my pathetic existence? Is that what you want? That I wanted to die so badly I could barely keep my hands away from the blade? That I longed to finally be free of this guilt and the damned nightmares that just won't go away? Well, I did, damn it! I did! Does it make you feel better to hear it?"
"No, it doesn't," Heero replied, his voice tight, "but it'll help you to say it."
Duo growled, letting go of Heero with a shove. "I'm tired of all of this psychological bullshit! I just want to be left alone, Heero! Do you hear me?" When Heero didn't respond, Duo turned away, placing his hands on the counter. "Damn you! Why can't you just leave me the hell alone?"
"Because I care too much to just stand by and see you hurting and not do something about it," the Japanese boy replied, wincing at the bruise he knew was forming on his face and the pain across his back where he'd hit the counter. He hadn't meant to let Duo hurt him, but he hadn't seen the punch coming. Besides, he wouldn't fight back unless he had to. He wasn't going to let Duo injure him seriously, but Duo needed to get the anger out, and taking a swing at him certainly was a way to do that.
"I don't need you to do anything about it," Duo said through clenched teeth. "I can take care of myself."
Heero flinched. "Like you did the other night?"
Duo whirled around, violet eyes flashing. "What do you know about the other night? You weren't even there until it would have been too late! You don't know what I was feeling. You don't know how close I came. You don't know a damn thing about it!"
"Then tell me why you didn't go through with it. What made you stop?" Heero knew he was onto something when Duo took a step back. He could see fear in the American's eyes.
"What does it matter?" Duo grated out, using anger to hide behind.
"It matters to me," Heero answered him fiercely. "Why didn't you just end it if that's what you wanted? If you can't find peace in this life, what held you back from the peace you think you'll find in death?" Duo wouldn't even look at him as Heero continued, "I'll tell you why. Because deep inside there's something you want more." Duo tried to push by Heero, to leave, but Heero blocked his path. This was the hardest thing Heero had ever had to do. His own fear of destroying their friendship was screaming at him, but he ignored it. "What is it, Duo? It's the only thing keeping you alive." Duo closed his eyes, shaking his head in denial as Heero spoke. "You can't afford to let your fear keep you from holding onto it!" Heero grabbed Duo's shoulders, jerking his body, forcing violet eyes to open. "Stop hiding from the truth, damn it! What was the reason?"
"You!" Duo shouted, the careful control he'd built around his feelings finally snapping. "I wanted to see you, to make sure you were all right! I couldn't leave you when you needed me. But you don't need me anymore... and I don't want to get used to..." he gasped for breath, almost frantic to get the words out while he still could. "It won't last. It never lasts! Today we bought all this stuff, but in the end, I won't have anything. It never works out for me! You'll get tired of having me around or something will h-happen to you. I'll just end up alone again... alone with no one to understand. Why should I do this when I know what will happen? It doesn't matter how much you care, it will never be enough for me. I take and I take and I take... I don't know how to give. I'm just too afraid... and I just can't..." Duo choked back a sob before breaking free of Heero's grasp to bolt out of the kitchen.
End Part 4
(:./tk/living4)
