21-Feb-2003
Title: Company Picnic
Author: Lasha Lee
Disclaimer: Mine? Never.
Pairings: Ambiguous?
Warnings: References to ungentlemantly conduct
Email: anakerie@cinci.rr.com
From: Gdawg@resistance.net
TO: gpilot1@resistance.net; gpilot2@resistance.net; gpilot3@resistance.net; gpilot4@resistance.net; gpilot5@reistance.net
Subject: Company Picnic
Good morning, Team. Well, it's that time of year again. Our annual company picnic will be held this coming Saturday at Osbourne Memorial Park, starting at 12PM EST sharp. We hope to see everyone there.
As you are aware, there were some...incidents at last years' picnic. We are certainly not blaming anyone personally for what happened. However, for the safety of our employees and their guests, we are issuing the following rules and guidelines to make this years' event go smoother, as well as once again addressing some of last years' problems.
To make sure we have enough food for everyone, please remember there is a limit of one guest per employee. Last year an employee brought along 29 siblings and 135 body guards. Supplies ran short and there were several fist-fights, with severe injuries, over the last hamburger.
Because some of our employees and their guests suffer from allergies, we do ask that you leave all pets at home. And while the lions and the elephants did provide entertainment last year, and caused no injuries to our own employees and guests, several other families sharing the facility panicked and led to what you of course know became the Osbourne Park Stampede. Humans only, please.
While we value your safety, we would like to remind you that all weapons must be checked at the front booth and may be picked up at the end of the picnic. Employees not complying with this will not be permitted into the common area. This includes Gundams, which MUST be left in the parking lot. Last year several guests were injured by flying debris from a chicken-dancing Gundam.
All employees must stay in our own common area, and not venture into others. Last year the parents of a five-year-old boy filed a complaint that an employee of our company corned a young boy regarding a balloon animal the child had found. When the child refused to surrender the balloon, he was called several names, and chased around the park at sword-point. This is not the kind of image we'd like to give off to the general public.
NO alcohol will be served at the picnic, nor will it be permitted to be brought into the park for any reason. Last year an underage employee became very intoxicated, undressed, climbed on a table, and began serenading another employee. The intoxicated employee then threatened the lives of those making fun of his singing and opened fire.
We have received word that this year, like last year, those celebrating the Milliardo Peacecraft Birthday Bash will also be in Osbourne Memorial Park at around the same time as our own company picnic. Last year we received many complaints from guests at that celebration, including:
Drunken employees crashing the birthday party.
Attempts made on both Mr. Peacecraft's life and virtue.
Theft of numerous gifts intended for Mr. Peacecraft, including an expensive watch, a pair of monogrammed rollerblades, and a PT Cruiser (which was later found on the roof of a McDonalds, covered in toilet paper, six blocks away).
The destruction of the guest of honor's birthday cake, when it was broken over the head of the guest of honor's sister with a warning of "touch my man again and I'll knock the blue blood out of you!"
Unusual substances added to the foods on the buffet table, leading guests at the birthday party to either cry, vomit, soil themselves, or molest the first person they found.
The guest of honor himself tied to the back of elephant and dragged through the park while being pelted with peanuts and phone numbers.
The disappearance of the guest of honor's sister, who was later found in the trunk of the PT Cruiser, also covered in toilet paper (as well as birthday cake).
NO contact with members of the birthday party is permitted for any reason! Any employee caught violating this rule will be terminated on the spot.
Have a great time, everyone, but conduct yourselves properly, so that we can continue to hold these events in the future.
The Management
The End
(:./lasha/budget4)
