11-Jan-2003
Title: Saturday
Author: Ebonydove
Archived: aenai.steelsong.com & Team Rocket and Shinigamni's Castle
Warnings: slightly angsty, sad, sappy
Authors Notes: Happy Birthday Meghan! Duo is working for the Preventers and falls for a member of his squad, only things don't go the way he hopes they would. Sometimes there are no happy endings, sometimes there's only potential for one. Inspired by Nickle Creek: Reason's Why. Feedback welcomed for my detached ramblings.
Spoilers: none
Pairings: 1+2/2+other
I left the coffee shop slightly shell-shocked. It happened so fast. One minute I was in love and then the very next thing I knew I was flat on my face. He told me over coffee that it wasn't meant to be. That we weren't meant to be. That I wasn't 'The One'. I suppose I should have known from the start that it was doomed. It was wrong on so many levels. Kai was older, one of my group leaders, and was in my squad under my command. From a policy standpoint it was bad enough, but he was so much like myself it was almost irresistible. He was brash, reckless... dangerous, and I looked at those behaviors with a pair of rose colored glasses because he was the only person I could talk to at all, except for Heero. Though it took a long time for us to develop that trust between each other, I knew I could eventually tell him everything. I had hope...
And I guess that's where I made my biggest mistake.
I pulled my collar up around the sides of my face to cut off some of the biting wind. The jacket wasn't practical at all for cold weather, but I looked good in it he had said; so I wore it today. We had the whole weekend off, and I was prepared to make it special. I planned it all out, except for the coffeeshop thing. I knew Kai didn't touch the drink, so it had peeked my curiosity when he called bright and early to have me meet him there. I had to rearrange a few things, but it was all set. I was going to tell him tonight.
I found myself grinning ruefully. I still couldn't quite wrap my brain around what had just happened. I mean, I was so sure. What was worse, was that I was fully prepared to take that leap with him tonight. To give myself over to the desires that had been building up in me for weeks. Stealing kisses in lock-up and grab-assing when no one was looking, was hot in it's own way, but I wanted... tender. I wanted a relationship with him. I even put in for a transfer to another department, or damn well another planet so that we could have that thing called normal. Which incidentally, is when things started to get... difficult.
Heero had asked why. But he didn't ask me directly... oh no. He sent Wufei to pry some kind of explanation from me about why I was willing to leave my squad in the command of someone "less qualified". All I could tell him was that I had my reasons why before I walked away from the conversation. It left Wu confused and frustrated, which was on some base level exactly what I wanted him to be. He'd report back to Heero, but wouldn't have an answer to give him. That combined with how I stopped carpooling to work with him, or meeting him for our once a month dinner seemed to raise questions with some of our mutual friends if Heero and I had had a falling out of some kind.
It wasn't that at all. How can you have a falling out with someone if there was no true relationship there to begin with? We had been partners, friends, and comrades. We worked in the same building and went for Sushi once a month on Saturdays, but there was nothing more. No matter how much I wanted it. I wanted Heero to care enough about me to wonder why I was willing to abandon everything I had worked so hard for without so much as a reason. I wanted him to know that the torch I held for him had been snuffed out and replaced by something brighter. By Kai.
I felt something around my heart tighten. It looked like that small bright light I had begun to warm to and gone out too and it made me wonder if I was ever truly meant to know love at all.
A car horn jerked me from my daydreaming. I had just walked into oncoming traffic without even realizing it and was now staring dumbstruck at a little old couple in their light blue sedan like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. Before I could wave him off, the elderly guy had started to get out of the car. He looked so concerned. Did I really look that out of it?
"Young man, are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, I'm fine. Guess I wasn't watching where I was going. Sorry." I flashed him a quick grin and hurried across the intersection.
I don't know what had ever possessed me to walk to the coffeeshop in the first place.
I wanted to ask what I did wrong. But know I won't. I have my pride after all. I suddenly realized all the things I had told him in the past months. I had told him about being a Gundam pilot, about how hard it was for me even though everyone had always thought it was just another thing that Duo Maxwell took in stride. Was that it? Did I scare him? Or maybe I came off as being too needy?
I almost laughed. Maybe it was the slightly manic, insane side of me he decided wasn't worth the risk. Very few people had seen the darker part of me. So I suppose I couldn't blame him for running. It's just that usually I can see it coming and head it off. It was the first time other than with Heero that I couldn't fix it. I had been blind-sided. And I really, really liked him.
I thought about that the kiss we shared. Ducking into the weapons lock-up where he had pushed me up against the wall. I hadn't cared that we were surrounded by heavy artillery as he kissed me until my knees went weak. He threaded his fingers into my hair and whispered that he loved my smile. That secret, soft smile that I rarely showed to anyone. And now it was over.
I heaved a heavy sigh. I didn't want to go back to my apartment. I had... made arrangements. Candles, good wine, clean sheets. I felt the stirring of tears and stifled them angrily. "Nope. Not gunna do it."
And then I found myself suddenly running. I ran as fast as I could towards home. I would erase all signs of what I had arranged. I'd put my heart back up on the shelf where it belonged and get back to work.
I was out of breath and sweating even with the cold by the time I reached my loft. I took the stairs two at a time and was digging around in my pocket for my keys, so I didn't notice him in the stairwell at first. But, like all soldiers and most cats I've realized, you can't change something in your normal environment without it causing immediate attention. So someone sitting on the top stair outside the entrance of my loft caught my eye as I made my way up the last few remaining steps. I just wasn't expecting him to be there and wasn't prepared for the worried look in his eyes.
"What are you doing here?" I asked between haggard breaths.
"You're late." He answered calmly taking in my appearance and giving me a questioning look.
"Heero, its Saturday afternoon. Just what the hell am I late for?"
He looked slightly wounded for a split second before that neutral calm washed over his face and he began to stand up as if to leave.
Then it came to me. Fell on my head like a ton of bricks in fact, and I found myself sighing again. It was the last Saturday of the month. He thought we were going to meet for dinner. Well, shit. "Wait. Heero, I'm sorry. I forgot. I had some stuff going on today and well... "
"With Kai?"
I looked at him for a long moment not sure what to say. I mean, I knew he knew about the relationship between Kai and me by now from Wufei, but didn't really think he would want to talk about it. We never talked about personal stuff. We talked business. Status reports, efficiency ratings, weapons usage. When we talked 'off topic', it would be about the cost of living, or cars, or where to get the best price of rutabagas. Never personal. No matter how hard I had tried in the past.
I dug the keys out of my coat and unlocked the door while he waited patiently for me to say something. But I didn't want to tell him Kai and I had just broken up. I didn't want to tell myself that.
"Come on in."
I waved him in and wanted to shoot myself for not thinking about the apartment first. It was all decked out for my evening with Kai, and I must have turned green at the sight of the table made for a romantic dinner. The flowers, the wine and glasses sitting non-challantly on the counter, and of course all the damned candles practically littering the place, screamed 'date'.
"You don't look very good." He said quietly as he took off his coat and shoes before making his way to the fridge and helping himself to a beer. "Are you all right?"
I don't think that I could have done a better job of looking completely vulnerable just then as I stood in my doorway and watched him make himself at home. It seemed so... right. Like he had always been here.
I suddenly wasn't all right at all. I had just been dumped and now had my first crush standing in my living room asking me if I was okay. What was it about me that made the fates want to be so damned cruel? That same prickling of tears I had felt at the coffeeshop started again, and I quickly busied myself with my coat and shoes so I wouldn't have to look him in the eye.
"Duo?"
"I just... I forgot you were coming that's all, and I had planned something... "
"For me?"
"No." I said it so quickly and with such force that I thought I saw him wince from under the shield of my bangs as I finally pulled my shoe off.
"For you and Kai." That soft slightly bruised tone was back in his voice and it made me look at him for just a moment. He looked... sad. "Should I go then?"
I stood up and tried my best to look comfortable in my own skin, eventhough I felt like I was about to come apart at the seams. "He's not coming. You can stay... if you'd like to. I have stuff for dinner, if you want... "
I don't know what I was doing. But he smiled and sipped his beer. "I'd like that. I didn't know you could cook."
I nodded and even with my nerves exposed; I made my way into my loft and began to get things around for dinner. There was an uncomfortable silence for a while until he turned on the stereo and flipped around until he found something he liked. It soothed me a little to hear the light music as it floated through the room.
"Do you... want to talk about it?" He asked me suddenly as he made his way over to me. Stopping within inches of where I was slicing vegetables to put into the salad, he covered my shaking hand with one of his own.
"No." I whispered.
He took the knife from me and continued the task I had started. "Because I'm here... for you... if you want to."
I watched him for a few moments and found myself smiling a nervous smile at him. Some of the raw hurt was lifting from me just by having him here. "Thanks Heero. I'm glad you remembered it was Saturday."
He smiled a shy smile back at me and nodded. "Me too."
fini
On to 'Fall'
(:./ebony/saturday)
