Author's Note: Quick one-shot fic here! ^_^ I couldn't help myself! I had
the idea for part of this in my head for a good long time, and then
something tz-chan said sparked a thought, which gave me the missing piece,
and so... well, here's the result! Written all in one day, no less! ^_^
Hope it's worth a read!!
JA~!
KnM ^_^
Wufei sighed and lifted his glass to his lips. He hadn't ever used to drink, but in the years after the war ended he'd been changing in hundreds of little ways. Most were good, as Sally dragged him -- sometimes unwilling -- back into life and back into living, but others... Other ways he wasn't so sure about.
At least he hadn't taken up smoking, like the tall, slender man seated beside him. He had that much respect left for his body.
The platinum blonde exhaled a thin streamer of smoke that almost glowed in the darkness of the nightclub. "Any bets on how long they'll be?"
Wufei smirked mirthlessly and toyed with his glass. "Depends on whether there are any other women in the restroom."
Zechs Marquis snorted a short laugh and crushed out his cigarette in the overflowing ashtray. Wufei knocked back the rest of his drink.
It had been almost four years since the war ended. Almost three years since he'd taken up with Sally. Less than half a year since Sally and Noin had last been together, but last time Noin had showed up at their door, she'd been alone.
Wufei shot a narrow glance at Zechs out of the corner of his eye. He loved Sally as he had loved no one since... Well. But sometimes the woman drove him to distraction. Like now. Leaving him to converse with this man, while she and her "friend" trotted off the ladies' room. He and Zechs had nothing in common--
No, that wasn't true, and they both knew it. But the one thing they had in common -- besides close female companions who were sleeping together -- was something Wufei was unwilling to discuss. Violently unwilling. In fact, he could think of nothing else in the world he was *less* willing to discuss!
"We're back!" Sally announced with a husky laugh, sliding to sit beside Wufei, and planting a light kiss on his cheek that he had finally learned not to flinch away from.
"That was quick," he sniped, grinning wickedly at her. His irritation always fled in the face of Sally's engaging presence. She meant too much to him; he couldn't stay angry at her, ever. She was the one reason he was still alive, he was sure of it. And she was the only one who gave him a reason to enjoy living.
"Quiet, you!" she chuckled, tweaking his nose.
Zechs purred out a low amused sound while Noin flushed prettily. She had grown her hair out to shoulder-length, now that she was no longer a soldier, and Wufei thought it was a distinct improvement. Still in her early twenties, as was Sally, she was young and vibrant. Of course, he would never in a million years say these things to her face.
Zechs must have gotten his hair trimmed somewhere along the line, he mused, as Sally and Noin chatted easily and the older man lit another cigarette. It was still the same length it had been when Wufei had last seen him. Actually, nothing about him appeared changed, as though time had not touched him. But then, he had always looked older than nineteen, anyway. Wufei was nearly nineteen himself, now, and he didn't look anywhere near as adult as Zechs had four years ago. He was too short and delicately built to even begin to match the pilot of Tallgeese, though he had at least grown out of the immature awkwardness he had possessed during the war, caught halfway between being a child and becoming a man.
During the war... the war in which Wufei had been a key player... the war that seemed ages ago...
Wufei shook his head silently, pondering the strangeness that had overtaken his life. He felt as though he had been around forever, had packed three lifetimes' of living into his teens, and yet he wasn't even old enough yet to legally be in this bar. Strange, the way things worked. Reality was such a subjective matter, determined to a frightening extent by the workings of the mind; intangibility lending boundaries to substance in a manner that was nearly paradoxical. If what was "real" was determined by the senses, and the senses were merely servants of the mind, then what was real was contained within each person's realm of experience. Reality became something unique to each living being, nothing set and unshifting at all. It was no wonder, then, that there was war...
"Uh-oh, Wu-chan's got that look," Noin teased.
Black brows beetled. "What?!"
"You're *thinking* again, love," Sally laughed, tugging at his ponytail in an affectionate gesture. Wufei growled. Sally cheerfully ignored his irritation. "What have I told you about thinking?"
"That it just wears down the few remaining brain cells I have left," Wufei responded, rolling his dark eyes.
Zechs snickered at that.
Wufei reclaimed his hair, pulled it over his shoulder to spill down his chest. He'd not cut it since the war, and it was reaching a nice length, but he still wore it pulled back. In spite of the many times Sally had told him to let it loose, that he looked better with it falling about his face. She also continued to urge him to find 'a nice boy' as she put it, but he was well aware that his only hope for love had died in the war. Iie. Had been destroyed by his own hand. Although they had both been guided by... by *his* will... still, it had been Wufei who had struck the final blow. Both to his lover's body, and to his own heart. Sally had taught him that there was life beyond this utter destruction of his world, but she had yet to convince him that he could ever love again. He was sinkingly certain of that negative.
Not that he didn't miss sex. But sex without love was unacceptable. And as he would never find love again...
At least the other four pilots were happy. Still locked in the two pairings that had shocked the hell out of him the first time he had realized, but which had come to symbolize complete perfection in his mind. He still couldn't figure out what Maxwell saw in Yuy, but they were so clearly devoted that it was impossible to imagine them apart. And as for Trowa and Quatre... Well, their love transcended the careless trappings of the flesh. There was only beauty there, and to see them together made even his cold heart grow warm.
"You've gone away again, love," Sally whispered in his ear, wrapping one arm around his slim waist.
"Gomen."
She sighed and thumped her head lightly against his. "Shall we go? If you're not enjoying yourself..."
An unwilling grin curled his lips. "You just want to get Noin back to the apartment."
Unexpectedly, Sally blushed.
Wufei chuckled, somber mood broken. "Baka!" He reached up and tweaked *her* nose.
"Brat!" she declared, pulled back and tossing her head. Though her eyes were gleaming with humor, and... something else. "We'll just have to see what we can do about you!"
"Huh?" Wufei blinked.
"I'm. going. to. kill. her."
He enunciated the words clearly, carefully, through the haze of liquor that wrapped him up in a fuzzy embrace.
"Feel free. 'Fact, I may help." Zechs slurred, hand wavering unsteadily back and forth as he tried to get the lighter flame to touch the end of his cigarette. Every time he managed to get the lighter close to the mark, however, the cigarette would unerringly swerve away.
Wufei sighed and bent forward, nearly falling over, to clasp his hands around Zechs', helping him hold the lighter still long enough to get the cylindrical bit of paper and tobacco burning.
"Arigatou."
"Nan demo nai." Wufei sat back, frowning with the realization that he had just touched Zechs Marquis. Touched his dead lover's ex-lover... Wait. That didn't sound right...
His brow knit as he thought it over, brain moving impossibly slowly. No, that was right. It just sounded awkward when he put it that way.
Hell, this *was* awkward! He cursed Sally. Cursed Noin. Cursed Zechs, and then cursed himself for good measure. How had they managed to rope him into this one?!
Oh. Yeah. They'd left the club and headed back to the apartment. Then Sally and Noin had dumped the two males on the sidewalk, and taken off for the hotel, undoubtedly to spend the night 'renewing their acquaintance'. Leaving Wufei with Zechs on his hands, and as he was too polite for his own good, and as Zechs was now out a hotel room, he had had no choice but to invite the older man inside, and, unfortunately, to spend the night.
Damn Sally anyway...
There had been a stash of booze in the small bar in the corner. *Had* been, being the operative phrase. Faced with this unbearable situation, the young Chinese man had taken the coward's choice -- helped along by the buzz he was already sporting -- and tried to drown his discomfort in alcohol. And Zechs had matched him drink for drink.
Now...
Now he was good and drunk, but still uncomfortable, still too-aware of the fact that Zechs was his dead lover's ex-lover. And of the fact that Zechs knew this too.
It was enough to make him wish he was even more drunk than he was. Either that or sober and far, far away from here...
"Soooo... how's your sister doing?" Wufei asked, desperate for a conversational gambit as the silence between them dragged on intolerably.
"Please!" Zechs snorted smoke out his nostrils, beautiful face darkening, twilight-dark eyes suddenly blazing through the fog of all the alcohol he had quaffed. "Don't even mention that crazy little bitch! I haven't had anything to do with her since she tried to order me to kill Duo Maxwell!"
Wufei could feel his jaw drop as he stared at Zechs, wide-eyed. He didn't know what was more shocking -- to hear Zechs talk that way about 'the Queen of the World', to hear him call his beloved younger sister such names, or to know that Relena had actually done something that... that...
"That bitch!" he burst out, blood surging with the heat of righteous indignation; not to mention a hell of a lot of booze.
Zechs nodded solemnly, long silvery bangs tumbling in his face. He staggered as he leaned forward to stub out his cigarette, but never lost his focused expression. "Hai. She's been completely mad ever since Yuy publicly rejected her. They're all hiding it pretty well, but she's..." he made twirling motions over his temple with one finger, eyes crossing, "just gone."
Wufei couldn't help it. As serious as the matter was, to see elegant Zechs Marquis acting so much like Duo Maxwell might, using such an unrefined gesture and sounding so irreverent...
The young Chinese man fell off the sofa, howling with laughter.
Zechs sniffed and lifted his empty glass, gazing mournfully at the cigarette butt curled lazily at its bottom. "Glad you're amused. Yuy didn't think it was so funny."
Wufei abruptly sobered -- well, as much as he could when he was so inebriated he felt on the verge of puking -- and frowned. "No. I'd guess not." After all, if Relena would try to get her own brother to kill Maxwell, what was to stop her from sending someone else; someone with no compunctions? "No wonder we haven't heard from them for a while!"
"Un." Zechs nodded wisely.
Wufei lay sprawled on the floor. It felt nice here. Not as dizzying as sitting up, and it was nice and cool. Nice and... well, just nice!
He wondered vaguely if he'd ever gotten this drunk before. Maybe the night he'd wound up telling Sally about both Nataku and Treize...
Suddenly he felt sick. Calling that memory to the forefront of his mind had been a big mistake. He tried to sit, but had to settle for rolling onto his stomach and pushing himself up with shaking arms. "I need some air."
Without a glance for his guest, he wove his way across the sparsely furnished living room and wrestled with the curtains for an inordinate amount of time before he finally managed to find the handle and fumble the balcony door open. "K'so!"
The night air was cool and pleasant against his drink-flushed face, and he could feel the sickness receding, though his heart was still thumping a bit too loudly and his hands were shaking. He took deep steadying breaths, clutching at the railing and lifting his face to the stars.
To space, where he had... he had...
"K'so!" He bowed his head, gritting his teeth and fighting the uprush of heated tears with all his might. Men didn't cry! Warriors didn't cry! Murderers who'd killed the only person they could ever love didn't-- didn't--
He sobbed tightly, the dam breaking, and violent shudders shaking his slender frame. Oh, gods, it still hurt! Hurt so bad, and this time it was worse, because this time Sally wasn't here to hold him as he wept. This time...
Finally he managed to quell the storm of weeping. It wasn't so hard, when crying made him feel so much like throwing up. He willed his stomach to stop its sick roiling, and while it did not heed him, at least the shift of focus took his mind off of his tears, off of the pain causing the tears.
He breathed deeply, sniffling quietly and wiping angrily at wet cheeks. How had he sunk so low that he could have lost all control? How...?
A whisper of movement beside him reminded him of the answer. Ah. Yes. Spending the evening in the company of one Zechs Marquis had brought all those bad feelings, all the horrible, soul-killing guilt to the surface. Treize had never made any secret of the fact that he and Zechs had been lovers before Wufei came into his life. Wufei had never cared. He had been too busy trying to sort out his own tangled emotions toward the far-seeing general.
And by the time he had figured them out... it was too late.
"Daijoubu desu ka?"
"Iie." Wufei shook his head, glaring at the railing he was clutching so hard his fingers were turning white. He wasn't all right, and he never would be.
Zechs leaned against the railing on his folded arms, raising his face as Wufei had done earlier.
"At least you never rejected him. Turned against him. Betrayed everything he stood for." His deep voice was soft and toneless.
Wufei drew a deep breath. "No, I'm only the one who killed him."
There was silence for long minutes. Wufei shivered, gazing up at the stars, the reminder a penance, torment he forced upon himself as payment for the wrong he had wrought. The night was cold and he was feeling more sober by the moment. He was no longer sure if this was a good thing, or a bad thing.
"Do you miss him?"
The question came quietly, almost conversationally, so that he answered before the pain hit, his own voice equally soft.
"Every moment of every day."
That sounded so trite and so false, but it was true. His heart knew the loss, even when his head was elsewhere. Even when Sally managed to distract him with fleeting pleasures, there was the emptiness inside that would never again be filled.
"He was... something beyond all this." A large yet elegant hand waved to indicate the twinkling lights of the city sprawled before them. "Something above."
"He transcended human triviality," Wufei intoned softly, almost reverently. "And in the end, he transcended life."
"Aa."
"And left the rest of us to muddle our way through as best we--" Wufei cut himself off as he felt the tears rising again, sharp and stinging at the base of his nose, prickling between his eyes.
"He was ever cruel when he meant to be kind."
Wufei wasn't sure if he agreed with that statement or not, but he was struggling too hard against further tears to comment anyway.
"You have little cause for sorrow," Zechs said solemnly, leaning heavily against the railing, as though he was too weary to stand on his own any longer. "He must have cared most for you by the end, for you were the one deemed worthy to claim his life. You ought to be honored, that he made that sacrifice at your hands."
Wufei's spine stiffened. "And if you understand that sacrifice, and I do not..." He rubbed at his eyes, not sure if he was confused because of the alcohol, or if Zechs had stopped making sense altogether. "I can never lay aside my sorrow, or my guilt! I wish... I wish it had been me that died that day! It would have been better..."
"You do him a disservice, to think so. He would wish neither your sorrow nor your guilt."
"Fuck you!" Wufei snarled brutally. Hard tears welled in his night-black eyes, but remained unshed. "You think you know so much, but you don't know! You don't know what it's like to destroy the only thing in your life that gave you even a spark of happiness in the darkness!"
"I don't?" Zechs pierced him with the sharpness of his gaze, seemingly stone sober now. "How do you think I felt when he turned on me? When I turned upon him again? When we became so entangled in our coils of love and hatred, friendship and enmity, that I did not even know which way was up some days?!"
Wufei caught his breath, eyes wide.
"Everything is black and white for you," Zechs continued uncompromisingly. "But the world is colored in shades of grey, little fighter. Happiness and sorrow are not such disparate emotions!"
Wufei bit back a sob. "I don't understand you!" he cried bitterly, sloe eyes gleaming with anger and unhappiness, sheaned with salt-pain. "I don't understand your words, and I don't want to! I-- I--"
Warm arms enfolded him and he did not fight. He was too tired, and too heart-sore, and even though this was not Sally, this was Zechs Marquis, he needed comfort, needed human warmth. "I don't understand why he forced this upon me, why he chose me to kill him! It... it hurts!" He stuttered over a sob, burying his face against Zechs' chest. "It hurts and the hurt never goes away. Never!"
"I'm sorry," Zechs whispered, one hand rising to rest against Wufei's head, cradling the curve of his skull as Wufei sniffled miserably into his shirt front. "I'm sorry, and my words have only made it worse. Please forgive me."
Wufei supposed faintly that he ought to be mortified, that he ought to pull away, push Zechs away. But he was finally in the presence of one who understood his pain, even though Marquis seemed to have a twisted outlook on the matter, and it was just nice to rest here, listening to the steady heartbeat beneath his cheek, to feel the warmth and closeness. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that it was... someone else... holding him, stroking his unbound hair. Turning back time to moments he had not appreciated while held in his grasp -- even after the lesson of Nataku -- moments now fled beyond his groping fingers, irretrievable and fading more with each year that came between the 'then' and the 'now'.
"It hurts..." he whispered, shivering against the hard chest, feeling silken hair brushing his face, reminding him that the past was... passed. "Hurts."
"You are too young for such pain."
Wufei didn't know whether to laugh or cry at those words, and so he did neither.
"I have yet to reach my nineteenth year. And yet I have held my wife in my arms as she died. I have watched my home destroyed before my eyes, helpless to stop it. You know; you were there. I have killed more men then I can count. I have killed the man who *did* keep count, who knew every name, and who was the only person I could ever love. I have lost my purpose. If not for Sally I'm certain I would have lost either my sanity or my life." He smiled bitterly, pressing his cheek against the soft material of Zechs' shirt. "I realized long ago that happiness was not to play a part in my life."
Zechs was silent for long moments, although his arms remained warm around Wufei, holding back the cold of the night, the chill of the stars. One hand rested almost tenderly at the back of his head still, fingers threading through soft black hair. "But surely..."
"I begin to think I am cursed." Wufei whispered, more of his deepest fears contained in that statement than he would have liked, for all it sounded so fanciful and overwrought. "I... I almost fear for Sally." It was true. But... "But she is strong, and without her, I... I..." He broke off, fighting tears once more. Was it the alcohol, or was it being in the presence of someone who understood his pain, as even Sally could not? He hadn't cried this much since... well, ever, that he could remember.
Strong fingers curled under his chin, unexpectedly and lifted his face from that soft shirt, forcing his glassy eyes to meet Zechs' bright gaze. "You don't have to be alone." The words were dark, that deep voice ringing with some sort of emotion Wufei could not place, solemn and yet light at once. He frowned up through the haze of tears and alcohol blurring his aching eyes.
"Yes, I--"
Further words were cut off as warm lips descended to touch his, lightly brushing for an instant, then pressing firmly. Wufei's eyes grew huge. Zechs was *not* kissing him! There was no way! And yet, as muddled as his senses were, they would not lie about something like this. Not when he was drowning in the sensation... He had not been kissed in almost four years, and yet his body responded immediately in the void left by his stunned mind, arching up into the other man, lips parting of their own volition.
Then sense returned with a jolt and he stiffened, mouth pulling tight beneath that sweet assault, hands pressed to Zechs' shoulders.
Wufei shoved, not violently, but hard, insistently, until the man released his mouth. "Don't." The word was spoken without anger, but with firmness, even though his voice was husked with the reawakening of passion that had slipped unwilled past his defenses. It had been so long... but this wasn't right. Not when he did not love Zechs. Hell, he barely even knew the man!
Although, Treize must have trusted him, cared about him, loved him... And if Treize had done all these things...
Wufei cursed the alcohol, that made it so very hard to think focused thoughts. At least, he hoped it was the alcohol. Because any other explanation was...
"Is it so inconceivable, then?" Dusky eyes glinted at him through the darkness. Zechs did not seem at all put out by his rejection, and if anything seemed more determined.
Wufei faltered a moment, then regained his sense of what was right and what... just wasn't. "Of course!" He managed to dredge up a touch of indignation, his voice strident as he declared; "To even suggest such a thing is ridiculous!"
A large thumb traced over his lower lip, sending his resolve scattering once again as pleasure-sparks danced over his skin. The alcohol in his system made him more sensitive to the slightest touch, adding tingles beneath the skin in addition to those dancing over its surface, even though his mind was the more fogged for it. "And yet you are lonely, as am I." That deep, serious voice sounded so reasonable, so compelling. "We are both flotsam left in *his* wake, and to seek comfort in one another is not such madness as it might perhaps on the surface seem."
Wufei drew in a long, deep breath, searching within himself to find arguments to the case Zechs was so calmly putting forward. He found nothing. "I... I don't..."
That warm mouth closed over his again, and he swallowed a sob, unwilling to allow Zechs to taste his confusion. "Don't," he whispered against Zechs' lips, pushing at that firm chest, shivering on the edge of capitulation, but knowing he would hate himself in the morning if he were to give in.
Zechs huffed out a sigh and reluctantly drew back. "I'm lonely too, Wufei."
Wufei shuddered at the hard truth of those words, closing his eyes in agonized indecision. He didn't know Zechs well, but he thought he knew him enough to realize how much those softly spoken words had cost the older man. "I... I can't!" he uttered, pain riddling his voice, tears springing once more to the surface. "I..."
A warm hand tangled in his hair, urging his head tenderly back, and Wufei looked up through the sparkling glitter of his tear-heavy lashes, unable to read Zechs' face through the fog of alcohol, darkness, and salt-blurred wetness that had overtaken his vision.
"Perhaps at first... friends?" Zechs' voice was carefully gentle, as the taller man cocked his head. "Even to be with one who knows the pain of loss, knows *what* was lost... it would be a comfort to my soul. And perhaps to yours as well. I could hope so, for I would ease your pain as well as hoping for you to ease mine. I think we have much to offer one another, on many levels. And if we must start at the beginning, then I am willing. It is probably for the best, actually." A smile overtook that lovely face, that warm voice. "I want to get to know you, Chang Wufei. I will admit to often wondering what he found in you to so fascinate him. He was truly mesmerized by you, captivated. It must have been hard for him to let go, when he had you in his grasp."
Wufei blinked in shock, stunned by these words, revelations he had never heard uttered. As well as the offer Zechs was laying before him... Too much, and his mind was too muddled with booze and distracting emotions. He couldn't... Couldn't...
"I would wish to be more to you than a friend, Wufei." Zechs continued, voice deep and rough suddenly, real emotion making its way through the veneer of cultured elegance. "For you are truly lovely, more so now that you have reached adulthood. But if you require it, I will practice restraint." Amusement... or affection, perhaps, warmed that fine-featured face. "It may not appear so on the surface, but I am good at restraint."
"I... I..." Wufei's heart was rabbiting in his chest. He didn't know what to say, what words to speak. They would not even form in his confused thoughts, so how could he get any past his lips?! "I don't... I..."
"Come." Zechs shook his silvery head and tugged him toward the door. "We're both a lot more sober than when we started, but I don't think the alcohol has complete released us. I will wait until morning before I ask you again. Perhaps until after the hangover has passed."
Wufei allowed himself to be pulled back into the apartment, and once inside, led Zechs to his own bedroom. He didn't want to leave the man on a sofa that was barely large enough for Sally to stretch out on, nor could he see letting Zechs use Sally's bed in her absence -- although it might serve her right if he did! -- and so there was only one choice. He had the vague idea in his head of sleeping on the sofa, himself, but once he was in his room, seeing Zechs settled, a thick lethargy gripped his body and mind, and with a yawn he climbed fully clothed in to curl next to Zechs. The bed was small and so he could use that as an excuse as he lay his cheek against one broad shoulder. But that was not why a soft, contented sigh crossed his lips as a strong arm wrapped about his waist, pulling him closer.
Sleep was being tugged in a thick curtain over his mind, drawn low by the triple weights of emotional exhaustion, over-indulged alcohol, and mental confusion. Hurried along, as well, by the late hour. But before he slid over the edge of oblivion, Wufei had a sudden moment of clarity. His mind focused and all details surge together into a whole, giving him a clear vision of two possible futures.
To accept Zechs' offer... or refuse it...
In the end, the choice was not so difficult, and in that still, silent, eternal moment between waking and slumber...
Curled against Zechs' warmth in his own small bed...
He made his decision.
*owari*
(:./knm/warmth)
