04-Feb-2001
Title: Welcome to my nightmare
Author: Dan
Archive: GWA
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue
Pairings: none
Warnings: angst, implied yaoi, lots of anger
Notes: Listen to the song of the same name on the Rurounin Kenshin soundtrack "Let it Burn" It helps set the tone
"She's waking up."
"Heart rate normal, increased brain activity, dopamine levels normal, endorphin levels rising."
"Hilde?"
Breathing hurts.
"Can you hear me?"
Everything hurts.
"Can you respond?"
Want to sleep.
"Come on, Hilde. Help us out here."
Go away.
Something's dripping, over and over.
Damned annoying; wish someone would turn it off.
Just want to sleep. Maybe then everything will go away.
Breathing still hurts.
Everything still hurts.
Wish everything would go away.
The light's too bright; it's blinding.
Can't sleep with the light on.
Must be artificial, too painful to be natural.
Why does everything have to hurt?
Can't someone turn off the fucking light?
Can't sleep with that damned thing on.
Just want to go away and sleep.
"Hilde."
Go away.
"Hilde."
Leave me alone.
"Hilde!"
Would you just shut up?
"Hilde wake up, now!"
Who the hell is being so fucking, annoyingly persistent?
Relena Darlian Peacecraft
She leaned over me, long dark honey colored hair pooling on my chest. Her wide blue eyes held concern and triumph. I want to tell her to go the hell away and leave me alone. Don't want to talk to anyone. Don't want to see anyone. No, that isn't quite right. I do want one person, but He doesn't want me. I close my eyes. Just want to sleep.
"Hilde, don't you dare!"
Fuck, that hurt! The little witch slapped me. Fuck her. Everything hurts. Hurts to breathe. Hurts to talk. Hurts to be awake. Just want to sleep. Why won't she go away?
"Don't leave me."
I'm fucking incapacitated; how the hell am I going anywhere? I just want -her- to leave -me-. What the hell did she want anyway?
"I need you, please."
Shit, don't cry. Don't do that. I can't handle it. Besides, why the hell does the Queen of the World need little old, can't-do-anything-right me?
The crying is enough to get a response out of me. "Why?"
Ouch. My voice sounds like it's been run over by a gundam a couple of times and then self-detonated for good measure.
"Because you understand."
Understand? What in hell would I understand about her? The soldier and the pacifist, now that's a good one. Wait. Soldier. Perfect Soldier. Heero. The son of a bitch that He loves. Okay, so maybe there's one thing I'd understand. But I don't want to think about it. Don't want to think about how I'm good enough to fuck but not to love. Good enough to use as cover, but not good enough to stay with. Just want to sleep and make it all go away. Hurts.
"Hilde, I need to talk to someone who doesn't think I'm crazy."
We're both crazy. Crazy and bloody stupid for ever thinking that they would love us. Crazy for thinking it possible. Stupid for believing the little show of make-believe they put on for us. The make-believe of home, husband, and love. Don't want to talk about it.
"Please, Hilde, I don't want to do this alone."
"Don't want to do this at all."
She laughs at that even though we both know it wasn't funny. Sometimes, it's laugh or scream. "I've been waiting for you to wake up for about a week."
"Did wake up."
"I know. You asked for the dripping to stop, but it's your IV, so I couldn't do much about that. And then you asked for the lights to be turned off; I could do that."
She'd been here the whole time. What the hell is she doing? Hiding. Just like me, hiding from reality. Waiting. Waiting for everything to just go away. It isn't going to go away, is it?
"Thanks."
A smile, like sun through rain, and I think Heero is a moron. Yeah, His smile is something pretty spectacular, but Relena's is real. "You're welcome."
So polite, nice, wonder if she's like that with everyone or if this is sincere? Tired, and breathing hurts again. Need to sleep. "Tired. Breathing hurts like a bitch."
Her hands flutter like frail white birds for a moment as she reaches out. She stops and drops her hands to her lap. Wonder what she was going to do? "I'm sorry."
I just look at her. Talking hurts too much.
She gestures absently towards her cheek. "For slapping you. I just needed you to wake up so badly. I was terrified you'd just let yourself die."
I turn my face to the wall. I guess I was trying to do that. Just to slide away to where nothing hurt anymore. Funny, that He should get to me that much when I was barely a blip in His life. A speed bump, I guess.
"'Sokay."
She smiles at me again, eyes full of tears again. Shit, don't do that. She doesn't. "I'll turn out the light."
"Thanks."
"Have you decided to return to us, Hilde?"
Blonde. Tall. Amazon. She isn't one to mess around with. I don't answer 'cause talking still hurt, but she doesn't seem to mind. Quick hands, sharp eyes, expressive mouth, and obviously my doctor. She checks something on a basic brown clipboard and then looks at the damned beeping machine.
"You've been in an out of the real world for about a week." She gives me a steady look. "Mostly out."
I shrug and then groan when it hurt.
"Broken ribs, punctured lung, dislocated shoulder, knee trauma, heavy concussion, massive contusions all over your body, massive blood loss, ripped rotator cuff, and more stitches than I care to count." She seems vastly amused at my glare. Like I need to hear all this shit. "And a nasty attitude, but I think that is normal."
"How much longer will she be confined?" Male voice. My heart skips a beat, being as stupid as it is. The accent is all wrong, a faint musical rhythm to the words that says China.
"That depends upon her, now doesn't it? The lung, knee, and shoulder will take the longest to heal, but the concussion worries me the most." She looks down at me with compassionate eyes. "You were unconscious for a long time."
I turn my face to the wall.
I hear her sigh. "I have some other patients to check on. You can stay if you want."
The door opens, closes with a faint shnick of the lock. A long exhalation of breath and quiet footsteps towards my bed. Another person I don't know and don't want to know. Why can't they all just leave me alone?
"Hilde?"
Another one who keeps repeating my name like a fucking broken record. Hate it; hate them. Hate them for not being Him. Hate Him for not being here.
"Do not ignore me, woman."
Arrogant son of a bitch. Black hair tied back in a ponytail that looks like it has to hurt. Sharp cheekbones and high arching eyebrows over eyes that try to be distant and detached and fail miserably. Nice skin, and a smirk that could pass reasonably well for a smile.
"Who?"
Voice still sounds like it's trying to die. Well, since the rest of me is trying, why not my voice?
"Chang Wufei of the Dragon Clan. I am-was--a gundam pilot. The information you brought us helped us all."
I turn my face back to the wall.
I hear him snort. "You're going to let yourself die simply because that American fool has no honor, no respect, and no brains? I knew women were weak, but I didn't realize they were this weak."
I turn my head to glare at him. He smirks at me, smug and pleased to have gotten the reaction he wanted. I consider turning my head back again but the constant movement is making my head hurt. I close my eyes instead.
I hear a distinct clunking sound, heavy wood and stone. He had set up an intricate chessboard. No white anywhere on the board at all. Only red and black. Dragons, samurai-looking knights, no king, only an empress.
"Do you play?"
He lines up the sides, not choosing one or the other.
"I will teach you."
"Why?"
He sighs and looks up at the ceiling, a faint smile curling around the corners of his lips. "Perhaps because you remind me of someone." Black eyes amused, distant, and hurt catch mine for a moment. "Perhaps because I have nothing better to do."
"The war is over, isn't it?"
"Relena got her peace, for as long as it might last."
"Why aren't you at home, on your colony?" That's where He had probably cleared out to, with the love of His life.
"I have no home."
"Oh." That's a lonely thought. "Me neither."
We sit there, or lie there in my case, for a long time. Thinking thoughts that no one else would really understand. I'm a little sad to know the war was over. I don't have a purpose anymore. I thought it would be Him, but He had different ideas. I just want to sleep until it all went away. The pain, the emptiness, I just want it all to go away.
"Which color."
What is he talking about?
"Which color do you want?" He gestures towards the board. Guess he was serious about teaching me how to play.
"Black." His favorite color. I want to hate Him, can't, need to try harder.
"Ah." He turns the board so black is within my reach. I have to sit up a little to reach it. Bastard, he planned it that way.
"Why are they all funky?"
"They were made for me."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Apology accepted. Now, for your lesson."
Isn't so bad, learning to play chess. He beat the snot out of me; experience will do that for you. Dead tired afterwards, shoulder hurt like bloody hell because of all the reaching. Went to sleep right after he left. Always so fucking tired.
Something is dripping again.
Just off to the left, can't quite reach it.
Damned annoying.
Could someone just shut the fucking thing off?
"Sorry, but no."
Damn.
"Ms. Hilde? Are you awake?"
Unfortunately, yes.
"I'm Dorothy Catalonia. Ms. Relena wanted me to take her place for the day. She sends her regrets that she could not be here. Mr. Chang is currently unavailable as well."
Does she have to talk so damned much?
"Have you been enjoying your stay on Earth, Ms Hilde?"
Her voice sounds just a little snide, hidden under that veneer of civility. Sounds like she is used to having people just look at the surface and never see anything else. Blonde, lots of hair, more hair than even He had, that looks like liquid gold in the harsh hospital light. I'm beginning to hate the hospital fluorescent lights. Her blue eyes have the distance that Chang's tried for, but under them is pain and resentment. I can understand that.
"Haven't had the chance to get out much."
"Neither have I."
I look at her for a long time until something clicks inside me and I remember her. On the Libra, right before I made a colossal fool of myself.
"You were on White Fang's side."
"I was on my side." That's the truth, and one I can respect. I watch her face soften in confusion and self-doubt for a moment. "But I don't know any more. I. I. just don't know."
Why does everyone confide in the invalid? Must be because I look less than intimidating. Probably look pretty damned pathetic. That grates.
"Nothing to do, after the war?"
She gives me a rueful little smirk. "No, nothing to do."
"You play chess?" I hold out the red emperor to her. She takes it.
Not hurt enough to not dream any more.
Dreams are all the same.
Hate them. They scare me awake.
The drip isn't so annoying; must have gotten used to it.
Breathing still hurts. Might always hurt.
In the dreams, I can't breathe at all. I just float, senseless.
Don't want to just fade away. God damn it, I want to make Him pay!
"Well, at least it's a goal, Hilde."
Lilacs, something smells like lilacs in my room. Sort of sweet, sort of sad, reminds me of mourning. Who smells like lilacs?
"Good morning, Hilde."
Relena. She smells like lilacs. Fits that sorrow in her eyes, the passivity that's settled in them. Like a child so used to being abused she'll take it because it's normal. That can't be right.
"Morning. Still hurt like a son of a bitch."
Her lips quirk for a moment. "You start your physical therapy today."
"Great." I sit up a little in my bed. The bed and me are getting to be pretty good friends, but I'd be happy to see it go. A thought strikes me. "How long have I been here?"
She shrugs one dainty shoulder. "Two weeks, give or take."
I gawk at her.
"You were unconscious for a long, long time. You scared Sally. You scared all of us." Those graceful hands flutter for a moment. "I thought. I thought you might just let yourself die."
"Was I that hurt?" My heart was. My pride definitely was. But my body? Didn't seem like my body would be willing to just lie down and die with the rest of me.
"You were. The internal injuries were healing so slowly. Your lung." She pushes back a wayward lock of hair. "It wasn't healing, sometimes you couldn't breathe. I was afraid."
"Afraid you'd be alone again?"
She turns a light pink and nods. "I know it's stupid, but I just thought that."
"We'd be a support group for each other? Survivors of Gundam Pilots Anonymous?"
"Something like that." She looks embarrassed with herself. I laugh, but it isn't at her, or it isn't just at her. It's at both of us. At everyone left drifting in this supposed world of peace. I sure as hell don't feel very peaceful.
"You don't need me to support you, Relena. You need to support yourself. That's why he was able to fuck you up so badly. Don't go relying on anyone else. They sure as hell aren't going to be there."
She looks at me for a long time, and there is so much sorrow in her eyes it feels like it will crush both of us. "How can I support myself and everyone else at the same time?"
"Since when has the entire world been your responsibility? Let them figure out how to fix it. Fuck, they're the ones who tore it apart in the first place." The bitterness in my voice makes me sick to my stomach.
She wraps her arms around herself and looks away at the floor. I feel like I just kicked a kitten. "Hilde."
"I'm sorry, Relena. I didn't mean that."
"Yes, you did. At least, you meant some of it. And some of it is true. I can't depend on anyone else to give me strength. But. But. I'm so tired of being alone." How a girl constantly surrounded by people, adoring, respectful people, could be alone was beyond me. Then she looks up at me with those lost eyes and I knew why.
I hold out a hand. "Friends?"
She looks at me, startled by the idea. Then she smiles that liquid sunshine smile before taking my hand. "Friends."
"Great. On to the physical therapy, Jeeves."
I could really get to like her laugh.
Physical therapy isn't all that bad. Hurts like bloody hell, though. Mostly my knee but they say that'll get better along with my shoulder. They worry more about my breathing. Started to pant after a little while. Breathing hurt so damned much. Made me see little stars for a while. That, they say, may never get any better. Doc says lungs are funny things and it may heal perfectly or it may never heal. More likely it'll heal, but it'll be slow. Very, very slow. Damn.
Dreams are a little easier. Got a sense of time and space again.
Dripping still bugs me.
Wonder what would happen if I just yanked it out?
"Don't even think about it, woman."
Dammit.
"MY HAIR!"
"Well, extreme physical and emotional shock has some side effects."
"LOOK at my HAIR!"
"It is natural."
"My hair is white. Not silver, not gray, it's white. White as in snow white, white as in paper white, my hair is perfectly white. How is that natural?" Okay, so I'm not exactly calm. But I finally get a good look at myself in the mirror to find my hair is white. Perfectly white, all the way to the roots.
"As I was saying," Sally is being very patient. "Extreme shock-both physically and psychologically--can have some strange side effects. We can't explain why your hair went white, but it has."
I run my hand through my hair. It feels normal. "It's white."
"It is white." She's being very accommodating in all of this.
Then I start to laugh. Laugh so hard I hold my ribs from the tension. "Well. I never did like my hair. At least it's different."
Sally smiles approvingly. She places a hand on my shoulder and then lightly ruffles my hair. "Good to know that you're taking it in stride."
"Hey, after all the shit I've been through, can't get much worse." I pull one lock down in front of my eyes and look at it cross-eyed. "What's some white hair?"
"Nothing much. Nothing you can't deal with."
Damn straight. There isn't much that I can't deal with. So fuck you, Duo Maxwell. Fuck you.
Dreams about revenge are kind of nice.
Like the ones where I plant a foot in his face when he comes crawling back.
Sort of tired of thinking about him.
"Then why do it?"
That's right. Why think about him? Worthless guy just got me in trouble.
"Now if we could only get her to realize that about him."
Who?
"Physical therapy isn't so bad." I glare at Dorothy as she smiles out at the lawn. "At least you get to be outside."
She's got a point with that. They don't let me out much; a little afraid I might get it in my head to just split. At least I don't have that damned IV stuck in my arm. I watch Dorothy sit in perfect serenity in the sunlight. She looks calm, but you know what they say about still waters. These ones have nasty currents. I've been learning quite a bit about the former Romerfeller representative. She's a complex one, but so fucking loyal to the people she loves it's almost scary. She's loyal to Relena, even though the Princess doesn't quite understand it.
"Penny for your thoughts."
I hold out my hand. "What's a penny?"
Dorothy blinks at me and then laughs, a low sound that manages to sound earthy and wholesome at the same time. "A very small denomination of money used long ago."
"You're a virtual sponge of information, aren't you?"
"Worthless information no one wants to remember." There's that bitterness again. It's funny hearing it in someone else's voice. Makes you realizes how painful it is to hear someone else carry it around.
"I wouldn't say that." I close my eyes as the wind moves across the lawn. Natural wind is a phenomenon that completely baffles me. I love it, but I don't tell anyone. "I think you know a lot of shit that most people will never figure out."
She doesn't answer, but stares out at the grass as it moves like waves.
"Maybe you're the one who won't let us forget," I know she's listening to me. She gets this still tension in her when she's really listening to you. "If we forget, then everything Relena's doing is worthless."
"Yeah. Maybe."
Hilde the shrink. It's too funny for words.
I am so fucking tired of this damned bed.
Tired of the ceiling too. Same damned ceiling as every other hospital I've ever been in.
Tired of the floor. Painfully boring monotonous floor.
Tired of being alone.
Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.
Wonder if I'll get a reaction if I throw some shit around.
Wow. That nurse can yell.
"I cannot leave you alone for more than three days at a time, can I?" Wufei glares down from the imperial height that the healthy have on the invalid. I sneer at him and resist the urge to throw a pillow. I've been terrorizing the nurses for the past couple of days. No Relena, no Dorothy, no Wufei makes Hilde one very bored girl.
"I got bored."
"And so you had to make your attending nursing staff terrified of you?" He cocks one eyebrow at me. He sounds vaguely amused.
"Not my fault all of them are pansies. Well, all of them except Sally." The doctor had just thrown stuff right back, and that woman has a mean overhand throw.
"You should have shown a little more restraint and dignity; you are considered a hero. You should act like one." He glares down at me, but it's ruined by the small upward turn of his lips.
I stick my tongue out at him until what he said registers. "Hero? What moron thinks I'm a hero?"
He almost laughs at me. I can see that he really wants to, but is bottling it up. I wonder how many emotions he keeps bottled up inside. "Most of the Earth Sphere United Nations. Relena announced that you had helped play an integral part in ending the war by stealing that data. She also honored Howard, Sally, Noin, and many others. It was very honorable of her."
"Yeah, I guess.." I sigh and look past him. She was still protecting Heero. Making sure that he would be respected, honored even, by the people of the ESUN. I don't think that I could forgive Duo so easily. I want to see him hurt. Badly.
Wufei set out the chess pieces. "One of your last lessons."
That makes me stop scowling at the ceiling. I blink at him. "What? Why?"
"You will be released from the hospital in one week. Your lung is almost completely healed, as are your ribs." He looks up from the chessboard and levels an even glare at me. "But you will have to attend regular physical therapy."
"Bah. I can do those exercises at home." Then it strikes me. I don't have a home any more. I don't have anywhere to go after this. What the hell am I supposed to do?
"What home?" He arranges the board and then looks up at me with expressionless black eyes. "Where will you go?"
I glare at him. Thank you, Mr. Tactful and Considerate. "Like I have a fucking clue."
"Why not go to school?"
"Been there, done that. Do NOT want to go back." I make the first move and stick my tongue out at him when he sneers at me.
"Go to college. Do something with that over-active brain of yours." He makes his first move and I make mine before he's even retracted his hand. I believe in speed chess. I win when we play it that way.
"And study what? All my training has been in electrical engineering. There ain't much they can teach me." I snort. "Hell, I could teach them."
"You speak German, correct?"
I give him a condescending look. "You speak Chinese?"
"Then study the German philosophers." I give him my Oh-Please look. "At least translate them, all right? There aren't any decent translations." He leans back from the chessboard. "You can do what ever you want no. Do something you've never done before."
I make my next move and then tuck my legs up under me. "You need a translator?"
"You need something to do."
"I'll think about it."
I did think about it. For a long, long time I thought about it.
Not a bad plan, all in all, not a bad plan.
I missed German.
Philosophy was kinda fun. It was different.
Dorothy thought it was an excellent plan.
Maybe I should tell Wufei that I could translate French too.
It feels really odd to be checking out of here. Really, really odd. I watch as Wufei argues with the nurse behind the desk before I turn back to filling out the pile of papers. Apparently they don't want to check me out under my own supervision. They have this strange idea that I might do harm to myself. Silly nurses.
Wufei walks back to me swearing in musical Chinese. That language is not made for swearing. Nice lowland German, that's the language to swear in and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. Trust me.
"You are being released into my supervision."
I blink at him. Is Wufei blushing?
"They seem to be of the opinion that you are more likely to do injury to yourself if left unattended."
He IS blushing. Well, isn't that interesting.
"Therefore, you will be coming with me."
I wonder why he's turning such a lovely color of pink. Pity Rel isn't here to see it. She'd want a dress in that color.
"Woman! Are you listening to me?"
"Yeah. Solves the home problem, now doesn't it?"
He gives me a rather funny look. "You don't mind?"
I snort. "What are you going to do? Take advantage of me? Been there, done that. You try it, I'll kick your teeth through the roof."
I get an exasperated chuckle and smile for my trouble. "Well then, the car is out this way."
The air tastes different as we walk towards the jeep. I look back over my shoulder at the hospital. It doesn't look so much like a prison now. Looks sort of nice, all in all. Wufei calls my name, annoyed that I wasn't listening. I push my hair back-still white-and smile at him. He stands next to his jeep looking flustered, arrogant, and irritated. The view outside the hospital doesn't look so bad either.
No nightmares tonight.
No dreams with his face in them that scare me awake.
Quiet dreams tonight, about nothing in particular.
I like this place and these dreams.
No more nightmares.
~~owari~~
(:./dan/welcome)
