18-Sep-2000
Title: Masochist Arc: Chapter 1: Barrel of a Gun
Author: Asuka
Category: Arc, Songfics
Feedback: Oh pretty please?
Pairings: 1xR, 1x2 so far
Warnings: Yaoi, Het, Angst, POV
Disclaimer: GW belongs to Bandai, Sotsu Agency, etcetcetc... "Barrel of a
Gun" is by Depeche Mode. I don't own anything but the storyline; not making
money.
Notes: I have no idea where this came from... Blame it on my muse. ^;;;
Lyrics in [blah], emphasis/italics in *blah*, thoughts in /blah/. Takes
place after the war. And a note on the title... I'm using 'masochist' with
its meaning of "the turning of destructive tendencies upon oneself," rather
than its alter hentai meaning. ^x;; Much gratitude goes out to
Lizard-neechan for betaing!
[ Do you mean this horny creep ]
I know it can't go on like this much longer. I've made too many lies, and I'm becoming tangled in the web of them. All I cause is hurt. I know - I've been there before many times. Too many days, too many nights, and I fear I'm still there. I don't want to hurt them, but it seems that pain is in my nature.
[ Set upon weary feet ]
I'm so tired of all this. And I know that I can change it, but I never get around to doing it. 'All talk and no action,' they say. Fitting, but not entirely so, seeing how I don't talk much at all.
[ Who looks in need of sleep ]
I can feel the circles blackening beneath my eyes. Sleep never comes around my house any longer. Seems as if he bypasses me every night.
[ That doesn't come ]
Not that I can blame him. Who would want to visit the deceitful place that is supposedly my home?
Strange, it never seems like home when I'm there. It never did. I thought I felt home in other places, but it could all be a mirage.
[ This twisted, tortured mess ]
I eye the soiled sheets around me. They are wrinkled and stained, and within each impurity lies more hurt. And unlike others, these stains will never wash out. Not from our minds or hearts. They have been permanently engraved within them, in the fibers of the fabric, in the plaster of the walls. The very air is permeated, and my skin saturated with it.
They'll remain there forever.
And I've caused them all.
[ This bed of sinfulness ]
Looking at the creature beside me, I am suddenly ashamed. I'm killing him - I know. And if he isn't dying yet, he will be by the time everything has been said and done. That's what happens when people come in contact with me - try to see me for who I really am.
But are they prepared for what is to come?
[ Who's longing for some rest ]
The finale is approaching soon. But for which performance, I cannot tell. I only know when it's finished, someone will be left in shambles. Who...?
[ And feeling numb ]
She's calling my name again. I want to ignore her, forget she's here - a part of my life.
But it was my decision.
[ What do you expect of me ]
She's never understood me. And she never could. Her childish naietivity would never allow it. She's far too innocent. Almost to a fault.
"Heero..." she pleads again. I pity her - she only wanted someone to love her and I couldn't give what she needed.
[ What is it you want? ]
This time I acknowledge her. She shouldn't suffer so much, but it's inevitable. A simple requirement for those close to me.
"Yes, Relena?"
[ Whatever you planned for me ]
I can see the surprise in her eyes. They shift away from me, a blush rising upon her cheeks.
"Would you... would you make love to me?"
I shut the laptop down, just gazing at her for a while. The room is void of sound for what seems an eternity. Her eyes begin to water.
I nod, crossing the room to take her in my arms.
[ I'm not the one ]
It's my duty. I'm her husband, after all.
[ A vicious appetite ]
I toss and turn in a futile attempt to achieve rest. The covers are twisted, my body soaked with sweat. I'm surprised I haven't awoken her with all the commotion I've made. Slipping on a pair of boxers, I make my way towards the balcony, lit with the full moonlight. The night breeze traces across my being, seeming to pass right through me as if I'm not there.
[ Visits me each night ]
The demons are still ravaging in my mind. They hollow me out, their little toy of demolition. And I can't control myself - the incubi steer me down their path of calamity, and in the process, I destroy everything around me.
[ And won't be satisfied ]
I find myself dressing, quietly slipping past her and out of the house. Seems as if the only skill that has stayed with me after the war is escape. I can't say how many times I've tried to tell myself to stop this, the occurances have been too numerous to keep count. I walk down the oh so familiar streets and alleys, through the same buildings and hallways, into the very room of my immorality.
[ Won't be denied ]
The key fits snuggly in the lock, and I turn the knob, never hesitating. There is no need for me to knock. He knows who it is, he always has. His eyes turn to me, beckoning, and I can't refuse. I'm back with him again. Why do I keep doing this if it ony brings more suffering?
[ An unbearable pain ]
This always happens after I've been with either of them. A feeling of guilt surges over me - I'm defiling their pureness, corrupting their innocence.
[ A beating in my brain ]
They are the unicorns, and I, the unworthy mortal, seeking the power of their horns.
[ That leaves the mark of cain ]
Only this power isn't that of world domination or magic. It's of love and fulfillment, something I may never get. These hands are too filthy, this virgin unchaste.
[ Right here inside ]
And the emptiness comes to fill the void once again.
[ What am I supposed to do? ]
I stroll down the corridor, idly venturing through the halls, my hand brushing across the cool stone as I walk. Nodding to the passing ladies and gentlemen, I internally smirk at their holier-than-thou facades, at my facade, and what I must appear to them...
[ When everything that I've done ]
A "cold blooded killer" now married to the number one pacifist in the universe. Unfaithfully, at that, but they could never know. What a scandle I've been creating. And I wish it would pass, so that I could get it over with.
[ Is leading me to conclude ]
I know there is another life waiting for me. Whether I choose to accept it or not, or if the demons decide to interfere is beyond my knowledge. The future isn't carved in stone - I can change it anytime, or I'd like to believe so. But sometimes I feel as if my life has been decided for me...by Dr. J, Relena, or some other unseen force.
[ I'm not the one ]
Looking down at the slumbering figure beside me, I can't help but feel guilty. She thinks I'm hers, but I'm far from it. She hopes to spend forever with me, but it will never happen. Not with her, maybe not with anyone.
[ Whatever I've done ]
It's amazing how emotions can rule the lives of people. For so long, I never experienced them, until my heart of stone was cracked...by him. Somehow he managed to pry through all my barricades, ripping them down with brute force. But I fear things have changed, and I can feel the walls slowly rising from the debris.
[ I've been staring down the barrel of a gun ]
I don't want to hurt Relena or Duo, but that's what happens to most of the people I come into contact with. Duo may be the God of Death, but I am that of Misfortune. He fears it is he that causes destruction, but I hold the same amount of blame.
[ Is there something you need from me? ]
She is still sleeping. I noiselessly slip from under her grasp, careful not to wake her. I hastely dress, grabbing the secret set of keys in the process.
[ Are you having your fun? ]
A mocking smile curls her lips as she dreams. It's almost as if she knows what I'm doing, but I know otherwise. The papers are set beside the dresser, stacked neatly with the prim properness I've attained during our so-called marriage.
[ I never agreed to be ]
The door creaks as I prepare to exit, one final time...
"Heero?" she calls out to me, just barely above a whisper. She turns on the lamp, dimly illuminating the room, as well as the papers beside her. She notices, and gasps. "No, Heero, you can't..."
Even now I won't face her.
"Sayonara..."
[ Your Holy One ]
Shutting the door behind me, I leave to ruins of a broken heart, crying over a lost love she never had.
I'm killing them, the unicorns...
[ Whatever I've done ]
...And one of them has died.
[ I've been staring down the barrel of a gun ]
End Chapter 1
(:./asuka/masochist1)
