September 2001
Warnings: OK, this is just strange. Really strange. Yaoi. Weird, too.
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing; Sunrise, Bandai and Sotsu do. Drat. I also don't own any spandex space, although I would love to rent some.
Notes: I don't know who coined the term "spandex space" to describe how Heero can pull guns, detonators etc. out of nowhere, when it is obvious by his revealing outfits that they weren't stashed anywhere in his clothing, but it wasn't me...
This fic was inspired by a bit of lunacy from Tora.
"It's no use!" Quatre put down the small can of WD-40, reached in and pulled out a spare clip of ammo. "I just can't find it!"
He slid his hand under the confining spandex again, this time emerging with a cell phone. "Damnit Heero! Where did you put that detonator?"
Heero lay unresponsive on the cold floor, a massive lump on his head proclaiming the cause of his unconsciousness.
Quatre searched diligently, unable to understand how the Japanese pilot could store things in his stretchy shorts without causing oddly-shaped bulges. He came up with a gun, a matte black knife, a wrench, and then, with a heave, an enormous gundanium nut. He looked from the 3-foot diameter nut, to Heero's slender waist. "How...?" he asked, bewildered.
Then he shook his head, going back to his task. "Don't ask. Just... don't... ask," he muttered, dropping a small bazooka on the growing pile of discarded items.
Then he eyed the banana he had just unearthed. It looked freshly picked. A moment later, he pulled out an uncracked egg, a carefully wrapped hunk of cheese, and a bottle of distilled water. A cold bottle. He blinked. He didn't want to know. Really. He didn't.
Quatre carefully put a vial of nitro glycerine down beside the C4, and pulled out some plastique. Then his searching fingers brushed against something odd. A rope? He got a firm grip and tugged.
"ITAI!" Quatre jumped, startled at the familiar voice, and lost his grasp on what he could now see was the end of a long, chestnut braid. His jaw slowly sagged open. The braid began to pull back under the shorts, accompanied by mumbles about inconsiderate, heavy-handed people.
He pounced on the tip of the tail before it could disappear, pulling it back out again.
"Hey! Hands off the braid!!" Duo's irritated voice was slightly muffled, but clear enough to understand.
"Uh..." he felt foolish, but if he didn't find the detonator, the mission, and probably their lives, were down the tubes. "Uh, Duo?" He wiggled the braid slightly for emphasis.
"Oy, Quatre, do ya mind? I'm trying to sleep!"
"Um... I need the detonator," Quatre explained, wondering how long he had been delusional like this.
"Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhh-kay, hang on a sec." A moment later, what was unmistakeably Duo's slender hand popped out from under the edge of the spandex, holding the plain black plastic box with the big red button.
Quatre took it gingerly. The hand pulled back under the edge, and a second later the braid whisked out of sight as well.
He was still staring, wide-eyed, when Trowa joined him.
"Quatre. Are you all right?"
"I - I think so. I got the detonator."
Trowa nodded once to show he was ready, then carefully slung Heero over his shoulders. Quatre shook his head once more to clear it and pressed the big red button.
ba-BOOOOOOM The hallway shuddered around them, and plaster dust drifted from the ceiling. Other detonations rocked the base in sequence.
Quatre and Trowa took off down the carefully planned 'safe' route out, only to find their way blocked by the rubble of half the base.
"We're trapped!" Quatre coughed, finding it difficult to breathe in the dust-laden air.
Trowa nodded agreement. "That last corridor we left collapsed - and this hallway has no other exits." He carefully set Heero down on the floor, cradling the other boy's head. "I'm almost out of bullets, but I have enough to ensure we won't be captured."
Quatre put his hand on his quiet friend's arm. "Well... there may be another way."
Praying that he wasn't out of his mind, he groped inside Heero's shorts again. He glanced up at Trowa and almost laughed at the shocked expression on the other's face. Then he found the silky tail he'd been searching for and pulled it out.
"Ow!! Damn it Quatre! I just got back to sleep!" Duo sounded peeved. Trowa's one visible eye widened and he took a step back.
Quatre grabbed his arm before he could go any further. "Duo, could you please give me a hand? It's really important."
After a bit of muttering, Duo stuck his hand out, wiggling his fingers. Quatre clasped it firmly and said, "Now pull, Duo!"
He was tugged forcefully under the spandex, jerking Trowa off his feet to follow.
For a brief second he slid along warm, smooth flesh, and then he was sprawling onto something soft, Trowa landing right behind him. It was warm, stuffy almost, and he bumped his nose against something bony. Light and fresh air appeared close by and he looked around, bewildered, seeing Duo's face peering down at him.
Recognition dawned. He was under a blanket on a bed, nose to knee with the braided boy. Duo was dressed only in his black boxers and looked drowsy.
"C'mon guys, hop out. This isn't Grand Central Station, ya know!" Duo sounded half-asleep and wholly exasperated.
Quatre hastily scrambled out of the bed. Trowa crawled out after him, looking dazed.
"Uh, we left Heero behind..." Quatre resisted the urge to peek under the covers.
"What! Sheesh, you guys!" Duo muttered, groping around under the blankets. He grabbed... something... and heaved, and Heero's limp body dutifully slid out of the bed. "Huhn. Good thing his head is as hard as gundanium," the American mumbled, rubbing his face tiredly and eyeing the lump on his lover's skull.
Quatre ignored him, stunned into silence to note that, while the Japanese boy was still wearing the spandex shorts he had presumably just been pulled through, they were now inside out. His brain adamantly refused to try to figure that out.
"How...?" Trowa managed.
"Well, ya know what they say, Tro," Duo yawned, settling down in the bed and closing his eyes. "Me an' Heero, we're joined at the hip..."
Owari
(:./wingnut/spandex)
