12-Apr-2000
Pretty off the cuff and OOC. I really had thought I'd run out of inspiration for the series, but then I got really bored and my mind wandered into some pretty weird territory. Sorry about that.
Warnings: Weird, MAJOR OOC
Alex painted the sacred symbols on his body, drew the strange fractal like symbol on the ground, and chanted the spell.
A blonde girl with split eyebrows and two golden horns on her head, dressed in an electric blue dress appeared, looking very peeved. "I have appeared at your summons. What is it that you desire? And say it quickly as I have a party to attend!"
"I want Lucrecia Noin!" he said, his nose dripping with well, you know.
"What have you to offer?"
"My soul and my life savings of $983.67."
Dorothy had a laptop magically appear before her, suspended in mid-air. She checked on the status of Alex's soul to make sure he wasn't trying to sell it twice. It was clear for the taking but as the computer revealed the quality of the soul was downgraded due to hard living and violent activities. Still, one always had to make quota. "Please sign on the signature pad using the electronic pen."
He took it and signed on the pad that copied his signature. Once downloaded, Dorothy smiled, "I will do everything in my power to ensure that Noin will be in your possession." Especially with this quarter's signing bonus, she thought.
Meanwhile, in another part of the base, Mueller painted the sacred symbols on his body, drew the strange fractal like symbol on the ground, and chanted the spell.
Treize appeared before him, dressed in his best uniform with ginger colored horns on his head. "I'm busy with paperwork. I only appeared because the spell states that a soul would be offered. Is this true?"
"Only if you deliver me the affections of the luscious, divine Lucrecia Noin!" Mueller howled.
Treize blinked, but smiled inwardly. According to the laws that dealt with magic, he couldn't magically cause his chief rival for Zechs' attentions to disappear or what not. It was to prevent major abuse of powers. However, if a CLIENT asked for it, well, he could be free to do whatever it took as long as there wasn't major damage to the time-space continuum. Besides, if he were to win top contract closer for the quarter, he would be given a Level 47 spell, a spell so strong that it could either completely terraform all of Mars and Venus or turn Wufei yaoi forever.
Meanwhile, Otto went to Une and said, "Une, if I were to give you a set of twelve bottles of rose essence from Paris, what would it be worth?"
"Rose essence?" said Une, eyes glowing. Treize will be so happy, she thought, and... soooo grateful.
Otto turned pale at the sight, but pressed on. "I just need one little tiny spell from you," he said putting his thumb and index finger less than a quarter inch apart.
"Say it!" demanded Une.
"I want Zechs, blonde god of my dreams!" Why even his name is the big O! Otto thought, all dizzy and happy.
"Where's the bottles?"
Otto handed her six bottles. "Half before and half after."
Une opened one bottle, sniffed and sighed with happiness. This was no ordinary stuff Otto had gotten his hands on. Treize would be mooooooost grateful. "What did you do to get this stuff?"
Otto blushed. "I prefer not to say. I feel rather ashamed to even think about it. What do you say?"
"Agreed!"
"I also have some scented massage oils."
"Zechs will be eating out of your hand."
"Oooooooh," said Otto, imagining that.
Noin in the meantime went to the local wishing well. "I wish that Zechs Marquise would open his heart to me," she said before throwing in a dollar coin. Then she sighed and walked back to the base.
Now, the problem with magic is that it is a lot like chemistry. Spells are fine if they act alone. However, due to the fact that these spells were done by people connected to each other and working toward similar goals by different methods, something was bound to get severely screwed up once they started to interact with each other. The spells, that is.
Meanwhile, Wufei and Sally were driving towards the base on a mission.
"Onna, I told you I can do this by myself."
"Wufei, who asked for directions when you got lost after we accidentally passed that last exit?"
"... "
"Say it, Wufei, who asked for directions even though you were physically closer to the person to be asked?"
"You... "
"Whose truck is this?"
"Yours."
"Well, then."
They heard a plane flying overhead and looked up.
That plane was heading to base, flown by one mobile suit pilot named Zechs Marquise, coming to visit.
Alex knocked on Noin's door. Unlike the other soldiers, Noin had her own quarters as she was an officer.
Noin opened the door and said, "Alex, what are you doing here?"
"I'm ah... " He lost his capacity to speak since she was dressed casually in white shorts and an orange sleeveless shirt. She was also smiling at him.
"Your nose is bleeding," said Noin, innocently. "You don't have a cold, do you?" She took a huge wad of tissue from the box on the table next to her door and was about to wipe it off for him.
He hastily took the tissue and wiped his nose himself, knowing that her touch would cause him to explode anew. That's probably not the best way to put it.
"Mueller, what a surprise," said Noin.
Mueller and Alex glared at each other and thought, Noin is mine!
"Come in, you two. I'm watching some videos."
"Which ones?"
"Tenku no Escaflowne."
Alex and Mueller sat on the couch and watched as mecha from the Zaibach empire destroyed an entire city. Noin came back with a bowl of cinnamon flavored popcorn for them to eat. They were very happy. "Dilandru!" they hooted when they saw the mad bishonen.
When is the spell going to kick in, thought Alex. Come on, all ready.
Any minute, Mueller thought, she's going to tell Alex that "we" need some private time.
"Zechs is supposed to visit me," Noin said, "But I wonder if he's forgotten all about it."
"Sit here," cooed Mueller, patting to a space next to him. "And tell me all about it."
"No, no, sit here," said Alex, patting a space next to him. Stinking bastard, he thought, glaring at Mueller.
I wish Une would shove you out an airplane, thought Mueller, glaring at Alex.
Treize sat at his desk, using a nail file to buff his fingernails. I'm so pretty, oh so pretty and... how does the rest of the song go, he thought. Then he shrugged and put down the file.
"Treize-sama," trilled a happy Une as she walked in carrying a bottle. Treize raised an eyebrow. "Is that what I think it is?"
"Yes, I got some rose essence!"
"Oh, finally!" Treize sniffed the scent and gave Une such a smile, she went all gooey inside. "Excellent work, Une. Please prepare my bath!"
"Yes, honey-sama."
"What?"
"Treize-sama, didn't I say Treize-sama?"
He frowned but let it pass. "Thank you. I'll be there in a few minutes."
Une began singing while skipping down the hallway, a very scary sight considering she was wearing glasses and had her hair up.
I would cut down on the number of aromatherapy sessions I take, but my job is so stressful, thought Treize.
Meanwhile, Otto was waiting in his jeep. He had polished his shoes, flossed, gargled, buffed his nails and used hair gel to get ready for his idol. He flashed Zechs his sexiest smile.
Zechs hopped off the plane and said, "Otto, good to see you."
"Anywhere that you'd like to go, I'd be willing to drive you there," said Otto, blushing.
"You look very spiffy today. Any reason?"
"Well, it's all for you."
Zechs smiled in the way that people do when they don't understand what's going on. "I must notify Treize that I have arrived, then you and I can talk about Tallgeese after I drop by Noin's."
While driving, Otto nearly crashed into various objects like other jeeps and well, people because he couldn't keep his eyes off Zechs , especially with his hair streaming back like a comet's tail in the solar wind.
Meanwhile, Alex and Mueller were fuming. When is she going to swoon over me, thought Alex.
When is Noin going to sit on my lap and say sweet nothings, thought Mueller.
Alex said, "Excuse me for a second. I have a call to make." He went to the bathroom and whipped out his cellular phone and said, "Dorothy, it's not working."
There was silence, then Dorothy said, "No, wonder. According to my computer, Mueller made the exact same deal with another demon. The spells are counteracting each other. Also, there's some interference from some other spells cast nearby."
"Do something!"
"Well, if Mueller were to suddenly be sent to another dimension... well, my spell would then take precedence."
Meanwhile, Mueller had called Treize, and Treize said pretty much the same thing except he said that Alex should be "destroyed."
"Ok, we're near the base. Now shoo! I don't want you to get in the line of fire."
"But who's going to drive you back home after you've barbecued all the buildings. You haven't got a driver's license yet."
"Doh!"
"Well, don't take too long or get captured. I'd really hate to have to rescue you," she giggled.
"Onna!" With that, he hopped off the truck, and took off the canvas hiding the Gundam, then turned it on.
He, of course, went on base and started doing the happy-happy destroy thing that guys in Gundams do.
"Otto, quick take me to the hanger so I can pilot Tallgeese!" said Zechs, upon seeing Wufei's Gundam.
"You've got it, baby!"
"Say what?"
"Uh... "
Meanwhile, Alex was just about to send Mueller to another dimension via a loaded semi when Noin looks out the window and says, "Oh,no, we're being attacked. We've got to get to the hangar!"
Of course, while all this was happening, Treize was in the bathtub when Une walked in and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt you while you're in the tub... "
Oh, suuuuuuure you are, thought Treize, narrowing his eyes ever so slightly...
"But a Gundam has been spotted, the same one that... "
"You mean Fei-fei is back to kill me?" said Treize, all excited. "He kept his promise!" He hopped out of the tub, much to Une's joy.
One of the walls collapsed and then Wufei scuttled of his Gundam and said, "I am here to duel again, and... KISAMA, WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES AND WHY ARE YOU SO EXCITED TO SEE ME?"
"You're wrong! I'm the reason he's excited!" screams Une.
The room becomes very quiet and you can hear crickets chirp. Treize's face looks something like this: > -_-<;;.
"Woman, get out of my way, I've got a duel to... "
Une gives him a big slap that pushes him in the water.
Wufei climbs out, coughing and absolutely dripping wet. Treize stares in fascination as Wufei curses Une with some really crude language while wringing out his shirt. Treize was still naked by the way and he, um, looked even more excited.
Meanwhile, seeing that all three are distracted, Sally hops into Wufei's Gundam and pushes the start button. The Gundam moves.
Wufei turns around and says, "Nataku is moving by herself. She's ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"
Treize pouts. "I... I thought I was the answer to your prayers."
Une misunderstands and says, "But you are, baby cakes-sama!"
"Hmmm," says Sally. "The layout to the controls are different from what I'm used to. What does this button do?"
Of course, it's the flame sockpuppet button, which sends a fire ball right into the bath, which turns the room into a freaking hot rose-scented sauna.
"Oops," says Sally before she runs off with Wufei's Gundam. "Wufei can duel while I completely trash this base. Damn, this seat is small, it's cutting off the blood circulation in my butt."
Meanwhile, Zechs and Otto arrive at Tallgeese's hanger. As Zechs is about to step out, Otto hits him on the head hard enough to split that mask. Zechs turns around to say, "Otto, I can't your friend" before losing consciousness and being lowered gently to the ground by his concerned friend.
"I will pilot Tallgeese," said Otto. "You shouldn't lose your life in this battle especially when the suit's not up to snuff yet. Zechs banzai!" He then gets into the suit to do battle.
Alex and Mueller are drive to the hangar by a determined Noin. She sees Zechs unconscious on the ground, but says nothing to either of them. "Alex, Mueller, suit up, I'll join you in a few minutes."
Alex and Mueller climb into their suits and walk out, trying to figure out a way to kill each other while making it look like a casualty of war rather than premeditated murder.
Sally sees Tallgeese and pulls out her beam saber. Otto pulls out a beam saber as well. Now it looks like the classic duel to the death situation, but you forget this is a comedy.
Alex and Mueller see Tallgeese, assume Zechs is inside and through a strange sort of telepathy, mutually decide to beat the crap out of the guy. They both jump on Tallgeese, and try to beat the crap out of it, leaving a very confused Sally wondering what in blazing hell is going on.
"Kill! Kill!" they scream.
Noin shakes Zechs awake. "Oh, my God, are you OK? Come on."
Zechs opens his eyes. "Otto? Noin, what are you doing here?"
"I saw you lying on the ground. What happened?"
"Otto hit me on the head and ran off with Tallgeese."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure. But I must save Otto!" he yells, suiting up.
"Wait for me!" cries Noin.
Meanwhile, Treize and Wufei were dueling. Yes, Treize was still naked. "KISAMA, PUT ON SOME DAMN CLOTHES! It's so DISTRACTING!"
Treize smiles and says, "If you were to take off your clothes, you could distract me and everything would be fair."
"You hentai!"
Treize knocks the sword out of Wufei's hand. Then Treize sniffs the air and says, "There's magic, powerful magic at work."
"What kind of pickup line is that?"
Une steps forward and says, "I sense it, too."
They then all look outside the big hole in the wall to watch the mobile suits fight.
"You don't fight so hot, Zechs!" said Alex.
"Help!" yells Otto.
Zechs runs to save Otto while Noin, upon seeing Wufei's Gundam, immediately runs toward to kick Wufei's ass.
"Call me a weak woman, huh? I'll show you weak," yells Noin.
"Noin?"
Noin pauses and says, "Sally? What are you... I can't believe he let you ride that thing."
"He didn't. I snuck in."
Noin laughs and says, "Cool."
Meanwhile, Zechs had sent Alex and Mueller both to another dimension with one of his oh-so famous lightning attacks. Unfortunately, this event smashes the spells cast on those two into a million pieces, then causes it to reform into something altogether new and quite bad.
Alex and Mueller both see that tunnel that people who approach the other dimension almost always report, but then they hear a voice say, "I'm sorry to inform you that there has been a delay in service to the next world using this particular tunnel. Thank you for your patience."
Noin says, "Sally, I rented the entire Tenku no Escaflowne series. Want to see?"
"I'll be right down!" Sally presses the button she thinks is for the door to pop open, but instead it's the heretofore unknown ejector button, which throws her and the chair out at a high velocity. The parachute works, but the landing was a bit rough and Sally is knocked unconscious.
Noin runs over and says, "Sally, are you OK?"
Sally opens her eyes and thinks, Who is this divine creature with tears in her eyes for me? "Noin, you look so lovely today."
"Huh?"
Une walks towards them, intending on arresting Sally, but is affected by the spell.
"Don't be touching my woman!" yells Une, shoving Sally aside.
Noin stands up and slaps her. "You don't do that to an injured person!"
Une's eyes flash. "Slap me again, baby! I like to play rough!" Then she growls at Noin and grabs her shoulders as if she's going to kiss her at any minute.
Noin turns very pale.
Meanwhile, Zechs has gotten Otto out of Tallgeese and laid him on the ground. "Why did you do it, Otto? I don't deserve such devotion."
Otto simply smiles at him and says, "I remember when I was small, that I used to get beaten up a lot. But one day, a prince came to my rescue and chased away the guys who were always picking on me. He became my friend, someone I looked up to. He gave me a secret that I've never told anyone, that he really was a prince. I've never forgotten."
"Otto, I don't know what to say," says Zechs.
Otto closed his eyes. "You don't have to say anything. I'm just glad you' re OK." Then the ambulance parks next to them and the paramedics put Otto on the stretches, then into the ambulance.
Meanwhile, Noin was having major problems. Sally and Une are having a major catfight with all the attendant hair pulling and hissing. Wufei walked over to Noin and said, "Onna, what did you to turn my woman yuri?"
Noin blinks and says, "Une is your woman?"
"No!"
Noin blinks and says, "Une is your woman?"
"No!" Then he smiles and breathes, "I didn't know your eyes were such a lovely shade of purple."
Noin backs away quickly. Whatever's happening, it seems to be catching.
Zechs runs up and says, "Otto is fine. The ambulance... " Then he stopped when he noticed Wufei smiling giddily at Noin. "What is wrong with him?"
"I don't know, Zechs," whimpers Noin. "I slapped Une and she just asked for more."
Wufei takes Noin by the arm and says, "Come with me. A weak woman like you needs a strong man like me to take good care of you."
Zechs says, "Over my dead body."
"If you insist," says Wufei, pulling out his sword. Then he turned to Noin and blew her a kiss.
Noin holds her stomach as if she's about to barf.
Dorothy suddenly appeared next to Treize. "What a mess," she stated. "I would've come earlier but I had to attend a function. You know how it is."
Treize scowled. "We must do something before Zechs and Wufei bruise each other's skin. And over Noin of all people."
Dorothy laughed and said, "Both our clients have gone away, so lets use our power to fix things up as much as the regulations allow. What do you think Treize-sama?"
"An excellent idea, Dorothy."
Both of them joined hands, closed their eyes and...
Alex and Mueller wake up and find themselves hog-tied with a ball gag in their mouths in the middle of an elaborately stocked dungeon. They are also looking at two pairs of feet in stiletto heels. They look up to see a blonde girl with a whip looking down at them and a brown haired woman with a crazed look in her eyes. "I am your new mistress, Dorothy."
"And I'm your mistress Une."
"This shall be your place for all eternity!" Dorothy said.
Oh, my God, this is hell, thought the two.
Meanwhile, Otto wakes to find Zechs holding a bouquet of roses. "What are you doing here?" said Otto.
"I've come to visit of course." Then Zechs says, "I think we have a lot to talk about."
Otto smiles.
Treize was outside buffing his nails, thinking, I hope Otto is open to threesomes.
As for Sally, Wufei and Noin well it's something like this:
Sally and Noin and Wufei were playing strip poker while drinking Long Island Ice Teas. Sally and Noin had all their undies intact but for some reason, Wufei was down to butt less chaps. When Sally showed a full house, Wufei scowled.
"You know the rules," said Sally. "The one who gets naked first has to dance on top of the piano and shake his booty." And yes, she was quite sloshed.
"Yeah, dance, little man!" Noin said, also sloshed.
"He's not so little," giggled Sally.
"Onna!"
The End
(:./mk/everybody5)
