18-May-2003
Revised: 26-Sep-2004
Shorter (B YNK)
It's a nice day, a nice afternoon. Warm, but not hot. The occasional breeze makes it just bearable to be outside. But the best part about it is that I don't have to be inside, with them.
Stuck in a damned conference room. Talking to what Duo calls 'pencil-necked geeks' and 'yes men extraordinaire'. One of them had the good grace to suggest we adjourn for the remainder of the day; to individually flesh out expectations for the next UESA Conference.
This leaves me with an afternoon of freedom. I don't need to sit down and 'flesh out' anything. I just need to get out for a while. Something I don't get much chance to do in my line of work. I fled with a modicum of dignity, employing stealth methods to evade the sycophants that would make my long-haired friend proud.
He's quite a character that one. The most unique and puzzling of all the ex-pilots in my opinion. It's not so much that he hides or guards his feelings or his opinions - you always know just where you stand with him - it's just that... well it's like there's a layer of mystery that surrounds him. He jokes and giggles his way through a crowd. Charming men and women, young and old, alike. Youthful, exuberant and joyful are the most frequently used adjectives. But in the moments when he's not in the center of the action, when he thinks nobody's watching, he's quiet, pensive, introspective, even.
He's in one of his distinctly pensive moods right now - has been for a few days - and I'd like to get to the bottom of it. He's gone and done something that none of us would ever have imagined. Something so shocking that we who already know, those of us that have seen him, can't seem to fathom it. I can't wait to see the look on Wufei's face, after all the jibes and friendly competition, to see how he takes it. I think he'll be no more pleased than the rest of us.
All the women in the office have been swooning and crying, bemoaning the loss of such a prize. Since making this rather drastic change I've heard him offer many and varied reasons for his actions, but none have rung true. None of them carry enough 'umph' to be the real reason.
I see him, sitting in one of his favorite places, in the shade of the big oak out by the pond. I wonder if he'll tell me now. Now that there's no one around but us, two friends, hopefully with nothing to hide. I really want to understand. I need to.
He looks up to see me approaching, stilling his idle play. He's always done that when he thought no one was watching, pull a clump of hair loose from the braid, up over the top of his head, to twist or braid it before his own eyes. Today his hair is loose and having been discovered, he pushes it back taking the bangs with it. But they know their place in this world and return to their post, shading his forehead and eyes.
"Hey, you're out kind'a early, no?"
"Mmhm."
"Escaped their clutches without a scratch? Without causing or receiving bodily harm?" He raises and inquisitive eyebrow.
"Yup. Not hide nor hair damaged."
"I'm impressed." He grins.
"Well you should be." I say haughtily.
"So what brings you to my haunts?"
I think about that. I want to ask, but...
"A puzzle." I reply after a few moment's thought.
"I love puzzles! Something I can help with?" He pats the ground beside him and sits up a bit, crossing his legs and tucking his bare feet under him.
I look at him for a moment and decide to forge ahead. "I'd say you were imminently qualified." I eye him, and it, for a moment and understanding dawns on his face.
"You're gonna ask why I did it?"
"I figure you'll tell me when you're ready."
"But you're curious, right? You have to be. Everybody else is."
"Maybe. But I am not a cat and therefore not in any danger."
"Well, you're probably one of only five people that haven't asked. And I haven't seen three of the other four."
We sit in silence, picking at the blades of grass and I wonder. "Who hasn't seen it?"
"Howard, Wufei and Quatre."
"Who hasn't asked?"
He tilts his head in the direction of our constant companion and makes a disgruntled face.
"Really?" I am surprised.
"Yup. Hasn't said a peep." He tries to shrug nonchalantly. "Must not care."
"You know that's not true!"
"Whatever. I just figured you two'd be the first to ask. And neither of you did."
"Well maybe we don't want to hear the crap you've been dishing out."
He takes mild offense to that. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh let me think about it. Hmmm. 'It was too high maintenance'. 'It was just so hot all the time, I figured I could do without it'. 'I've grown up and moved on'. 'It kept getting caught in the car door'. 'I kept getting these terrible headaches and the doctors said it was just too heavy'. And my personal favorite, 'I kept tripping over it on the way to the bathroom at night'."
"All true to some degree!" He is quick to defend, but then tucks his chin to his chest, I think to hide a grin. "Kind'a lame, huh?"
"Very." I reply drolly.
We sit in silence for a few minutes more, enjoying this rare occasion; no meetings or functions to attend, no visiting dignitaries to pander to, no crises to resolve. Our companion is lazily enjoying the afternoon sun, lying on the grass not five yards away.
I find myself drawn to touch the ends as they drift on the breeze. Like a moth to the flame... I reach out, not in control of my hand, and tug at the ends. It's short. Not overly so, but in comparison, it's damned short!
Moving behind him and drawing it together, I play with it some more. Loose and dry it barely reaches the middle of his shoulder blades. I still can't believe he cut it. Just like that, he showed up after his scheduled day off and it was - for all intents and purposes - gone.
We sigh, almost in unison and I'm overcome with a strange sense of loss. It's not like it changes who he is or how I feel about him, it's just... odd. Sad.
I separate it into it's traditional groupings, murmuring the words he once told me in confidence. "On the left are the strands of those that went before; my past, my dead. On the right are the strands of those who will come; my future, my horizon. In between them are the strands of who I am; orphan, friend, soldier, protector. Woven together they are me. Past, present and future; who I was, who I am, who I have yet to become." I finish off the braid but there is nothing to hold it with and it unravels quickly as if to mock me. "How could you, Duo? After all this time. I thought it meant something to you, something important?"
"It did. It does. I just realized I was... well, not exactly going about it the wrong way, but in a way that wasn't necessary.
I 'hm' my acceptance of his words. They do not quite clarify the reason, but then he owes me no explanation. He tilts his head to look at me and suddenly turns around, sitting face to face with me.
"Lena, I told you about my friend from the bookstore, right?"
I nod, he continues.
"Turns out he's a priest. He noticed my cross, we got to talking, yada, yada." He waves a hand, dismissing the details. "Anyhow, I don't know how we got around to it, but I told him about the church and Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. And about my hair. We were sitting outside the store while we talked one day and he said some things that just made sense to me."
He stops to think his next words over, I guess he just wants to explain it to someone else, for the first time, and have it make sense.
"It's like I was putting my effort into the wrong thing. Yes the significance of the braid was important, yes the meaning of the three parts is valid, but he explained that what I did with that knowledge, how I lived that belief, was more important than that I keep a symbol of it."
"But the cross is a symbol, too, isn't it? Is he suggesting you shouldn't wear it either?"
"No, the cross is different. It was a gift. Like that pendant Zechs had made for you, from the earring he found when you were rebuilding the old part of the mansion. That was identified as something that belonged to your mom, so it's like it was passed on from mother to daughter. A Peacecraft heirloom." He pulls at the chain until the cross emerges, patting it gently as it comes to rest on his chest. "This cross is my family heirloom; passed to me from the only mother I've ever known."
I touch the pendant at my throat and nod solemnly, this much makes sense.
"Lena, I am who I am. Molded by the people who loved and cared for me then, who love and care for me now. What matters most is that I live my life in honor of their memory, in a way that would make them proud. A yard - more or less - of hair won't ever change that. So I let it go." He pulls the cross up and turns it over in his hand. "You've seen the inscription on the back, right?"
I nod again, wondering at the significance. I stare intently at it.
"You know I never thought to look into it, I always just figured it was some nun thing. And when he saw it, he knew what it meant. 1COR13 is short for the thirteenth chapter of the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians; it's a passage that mainly tries to explain God's love. But what was really cool was that right in the middle it says: When I was a child, my speech, feelings and thoughts were all those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways. That was my answer, that's what made me decide. I don't need all that hair to honor them, to remember them. I do that through who I am and what I do. Who they made me."
When I look up at his face, it is happy; not his usual buoyant exuberance, but a peaceful happiness. I now recognize it as what I've seen on his face for a few days. He hasn't been moody, he's made peace with a part of his past. I reach forward and hug him tightly. I felt like it needed doing.
The baritone of Heero's voice startles us both and we separate. "So why didn't you cut it all off? Why leave it a little long?" He crouches by Duo's side and fingers the loose ends of his hair.
They grin at each other before Duo narrows his eyes. "Because that wouldn't be me either. I am who I am, Heero Yuy. And Duo Maxwell has long hair."
"Good. That's what I wanted to hear." He stands and extends a hand out to each of us. "Come on then, let's get out of here for a little while."
We leave the shade of the oak tree and the secret that had passed between us.
Owari
(:./bm/snapshots4)
