08-May-2000
A Wufei-kitty story
(PS: I don't own one and never plan to own one. I have to deal with my own shed hair)
Also part of this fic is inspired by Gary Larson's Farside observations of what cats and dogs actually hear when their masters talk to them.
"Oh, Sally, for God's sakes, when are you going to neuter the bastard?" Noin scowled as Wufei again shed all over the white cushion on the wicker rocking chair.
Sally pouted. "I don't want to neuter Wu-kitty. I like his attitude." She picked up her kitty and began scratching him behind the ears and stroking his tummy. Wufei gave off a low purr.
Noin rolled her eyes. Sally was really cool, but this cat thing... "Oh, yeah, the attitude. Hiss, hiss, it's Noin! Lets poo in Noin's shoes! Let's leave offerings of mouse innards at her feet! That bastard is evil. I'm telling you his eyes glow red at night."
"It's just the natural reflective coating in the back of all kitties' eyes. Come on, Noin."
"He is psycho kitty, Sally. You're in denial. I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon away from Wu-monster." With that, she stormed off. Sally sighed as Noin left. "Oh, Wu-kitty, I guess I'm the only one who understands you."
Meanwhile, Treize was personally tending to his rose garden. It was true he hired gardeners to do the heavy work and get their nails dirty, but still a little personal care and oversight did wonders. He frowned then sniffed. "Gah! Cat piss, the worst smelling thing there is!" He shook his fist to the sky and said, "When I find the cat who did this, I'm going to... "
Little six-year old Dorothy looked out the window at her father and said, "He's mad about the cat again, huh?"
Zechs glanced out the window and sighed. Then he noticed an enormous black limousine with jade colored trim pass by. "Oh," he said, raising an eyebrow. "Looks like Ms. Shirin paying a visit to the neighborhood."
Wufei looked at his territory, the backyard. Now that evil bang woman is gone; I, the great tiger of the forest, will seek my quarry and flush it out. I see a great Komodo dragon before me, he thought. He ran and pounced and put his mighty paw on its tail.
The poor six-inch lizard promptly broke off its tail and scuttled off, leaving the still waggling tail to confuse the cat. He hissed and snarled at the decoy, thinking, To think I was fooled by such a weakling. Still, the tail had a little bit of meat, so he ate it.
He heard the glass door to the backyard open and saw a wizened dumpling of a woman next to his pet. He scowled. His human pet had the most annoying habit of allowing other cat's pets into the house without his permission. I do not know why I tolerate this from the onna! Then his stomach growled. Well, actually, it's because she has opposable thumbs and knows how to use the can opener and open the milk carton.
This is what he heard of their conversation:
"Blah, blah, blah, Wufei."
"Blah, blah, blah, Wufei neutered?"
"Oh, no, blah, blah."
"Blah, blah, mate with my cat Meiran?" "Blah, blah, blah, hmmm."
Wufei perked his ears and decided to pay more attention to their conversation. What are they talking about?
"Blah, blah, few months, Meiran, blah, blah, heat. Wufei, blah, blah, stud. Blah, blah, money."
"Blah, blah, lots of cat food, blah, money."
Wufei lost interest and went hunting after a cricket and followed it out of the bounds of the backyard.
"Treize?" said Zechs, pointing at all the little Legos and Dorothy's dollhouse on the pool table. "What in blazes is this?"
"It's a model of my rose garden. I've pinpointed all the places that cat has defiled my yard. I've got a few traps in there for him," said Treize.
Zechs rolled his eyes. "For heaven's sakes, what are you going to do once you catch him?"
"I don't know. Perhaps a trip to the pound."
Zechs sighed. Treize had always been one to apply strategy and planning to everything he did. "Well, if you're done, I'd really like it if you were to get all this stuff the table off so I could play a game."
"All right, all right." Treize put the Legos back in the box and put Dorothy's dollhouse off to the side. "Need someone to play against?"
Zechs smiled. "Could be... "
"I'll be back after I put all these toys away."
"REEEEEEYOOOOW!" was heard from outside.
"Yes, it worked!" cried Treize as he ran out the door.
Zechs put down his pool cue and ran after him.
In the garden near a particularly flourishing rose bush was a net that had a very pissed cat inside.
"Hisssssama!" snarled Wufei.
Sally was looking out the door, her arms crossed and her eyes full of concern. "Noin, I'm worried about Wufei. He's always come back for dinner."
Noin continued eating Sally's Kung Pao chicken. Yum, she thought, Sally's stirfry rocks. "He's probably just being contrary. He did have his ID collar on, right?"
"Of course."
"Then don't worry about it," said Noin. Thought I wouldn't particularly mind, Noin thought, if some trucker made him 6 feet long, three feet wide and one inch thick. "Standing there won't make him come back any sooner. Eat before everything gets cold."
Sally sighed and went back inside.
"Reeyooowww! Yeouwww!" screeched Wufei. I must escape this madman's dungeon as he scrambled all over the basement looking for a hole big enough to squeeze through. I was simply marking my territory when I was overcome by underhanded means.
Zechs narrowed his eyes and said, "You know what this looks like? It looks like something from a very bad horror movie." Then he noticed the odd smile on Treize's face. "What arrrrrre you smiling about?"
"It's a CHANG cat. They're rare and wonderful things!" Treize said with sparkles in his eyes.
"Uh, Treize, we're not keeping this cat," said Zechs.
"But why not?"
"Just a few hours ago, you were complaining about how this rare and wonderful thing was whizzing left and right all over your precious roses. Not only that, it's now hissing and spitting at us like we're the very incarnation of evil."
"He will get used to us." He said this despite the fact that Wufei had now fluffed his fur and looked scarily like a furry puffer fish.
"He's not staying here."
Treize pouted. "If I take him to the pound, he'll just meet an unfortunate end."
"Treize... if he's a rare and wonderful thing, then I'm sure his owner's looking for him. He would probably go home if you let him out now."
"Then he'll mess up my flowers again."
"Reeyoooowww! Rorrooooooww!" Wufei's ears were tilted back and his eyes were open wide as he tried to look his most fearsome. Run in fear, he thought.
"Look at that cat! I think he needs Prozac."
"Does not!"
"OK, how about an exorcism?"
Wufei paused to catch his breath and heard this:
The blonde one said, "Blah, blah, blah."
The one with strange eyebrows said, "If blah blah keep the kitty blah couple weeks blah blah handcuffs blah blah ice cream blah blah paddle blah blah as much as you blah blah." There were several other blah blah but there were words that Wu-kitty did not understand.
The blonde one frowned, then said, "OK, blah, blah, but blah blah, I'll blah blah kitty out."
The other one nodded.
Then the blonde sniffed, then walked upstairs.
"Blah blah I'm Treize. Blah, blah going to get food blah blah cream blah blah, wait blah blah."
"HISSAAAMA!" snapped the cat, who then flopped on the floor, exhausted from anger and running around like a mad ghost.
This one must be a ronin, a human without a kitty master. I have heard of such humans, they are pitiful creatures with no purpose in their lives since they have no cat to serve. As much as I pity this one, I must go back to my pet. This one appears to be male and able to take care of one's self; however the onna in my house needs to be guarded and protected by her tiger. Besides, I do not trust this ronin.
Then he did what any cat would do in this circumstance. He gave himself a bath and went to sleep.
A FEW DAYS LATER
Treize was watching Masterpiece Theatre while sitting on the couch and stroking Wufei... behind the ears. Zechs raised an eyebrow and said rather caustically, "Oh, ho, how did this miracle happen?"
"Well, now that Wufei... "
"You named him Wufei?"
"It's the name on the tag. As I was saying, before you so rudely interrupted me, now that he realizes that I can feed and take care of him and scratch all the places that need to be scratched, he's quite friendly."
Zechs narrowed his eyes. "It would have absolutely nothing with a couple of those catnip mice you got him."
Must resist eyebrow man's ministrations, feels good, seeing swirling colors, thought Wufei.
Treize pouted. "You're acting rather catty lately, Zechs. Don't tell me you're jealous... "
"Oh, why should I be?" He glanced at the small mound of fur sitting where he was supposed to be sitting. He thought, He'll be tired of you by the end of next week, tops! Even if he did cook your last meal on the stove with my best wine...
"Ow, ow," said Treize. "Stop digging your nails into my thighs. Zechs, where are you going? You're going to miss the best part... Zechs!"
Dorothy looked at the kitty with a twisted grin. "Come kitty, I will show you a more elegant way of doing things than using a sandbox."
Treize and Zechs were drinking their cappuccinos when they heard a loud caterwauling. They looked out the door to see a wet cat streak by and a girl yelling, "Come back at once. You haven't been toilet trained yet."
Dorothy looked at the kitty and said, "Come, let us play." With that, she snatched him up using her father's gardening gloves and proceeded to dress him in baby clothes.
"RYOOOOOWWWW!!!!" said Wufei. But the girl was abnormally strong and fast; thus Wufei was quickly dressed in a bonnet and a long nightgown with kitty mittens.
"There now be a good baby so I can push you in my pram!"
He lay there and sulked while Dorothy took him out in the sun. Evil girl is always coming up with new ways to torture me. . I do not know how she finds me. Perhaps she uses her antennae to find me. Perhaps her insect subjects reveal my location.
As Dorothy walked down the street, she saw a young girl the same age as her with brown hair pulled back in a ponytail with blue eyes. "Why, hello, Relena-sama."
"Why, hello, Dorothy. Did you come over to play?"
"Yes, let us play house."
Dorothy left the carriage in front of Relena's house while she and Relena went to her backyard.
Meanwhile, Zechs was watching as Treize came in, carrying in more supplies for Wu-kitty. Then he noticed the sudden appearance of heart bubbles around his Treize. Now, that does it, thought Zechs. Those heart bubbles belong to ME only! He stalked out of the house.
Wufei sulked in his pram until he looked up and saw Zechs glaring down at him.
"I've had enough of you," growled the man.
Wufei's eyes widened.
"Father, Wu-kitty's gone!" cried Dorothy as she ran into the house.
"He's gone?" said Treize. "Did you look everywhere?"
"Yes, father. He must've gotten out of the clothes I put him in and ran away."
"Why didn't he run back home?"
"That's probably what he did, Treize!" said Zechs with a tension knot on his temple. And to think the cat stared at me, licked his nuts, THEN scampered off.
Now Wufei would've run home except he had the misfortune of seeing two nasty pit bulls named Alex and Mueller who had dug their way out of their back yard and really enjoyed cat meat. Hissama, he thought, I have suffered enough to last me all of my nine lives.
Wufei ran for his life up a tree. He hissed and meowed at them from his perch.
Suddenly, he saw a can of corn being thrown near the dogs. "Get away from that cat or I'll throw another can."
Wufei looked towards the voice and saw a strange young man with green eyes and a unibang standing next to a young woman wearing star earrings holding a bag of groceries.
The dogs decided to scamper off rather than get beaned. The man then climbed up the tree and said, "Come here."
Strange, thought Wufei. I understand everything this human is saying.
"Really, Trowa, the way you collect stray cats... "
"I can not help it, Catherine. This kitty needed my help."
Catherine sighed. "If you had an Indian name, it would be Dances with Cats."
"I will take care of this kitty."
"We had this discussion before. The landlord doesn't want cats in the building and I don't think my boss and co-workers want any more cats."
"I will straighten things out with Quatre, but can we try to keep this a secret."
"Trowa... "
"He would've been badly mauled if we hadn't come... Think of it as an act of charity."
"But Quatre's coming over tonight!"
Trowa sighed. "I'd forgotten. That'll give me enough time to come up with a plan. I'm glad we still have supplies left over from the other kitties."
Wufei watched as Trowa talk with Catherine. Hmm, this man must be part cat. His movements and fluency in cat give him away. How sad that he is trapped in that body, he thought.
Trowa then sat on the couch and patted his thigh. Wufei hopped on and Trowa turned on the nature channel just in time to see a special about lions.
There was a knock on the door. Catherine looked through the peephole, then turned to Trowa and said, "Quatre's here."
"Excellent."
Catherine opened the door. Quatre was at the door, wearing a white tuxedo with a bouquet of flowers. "Is Trowa ready for our date?" Then he narrowed his eyes when he saw Wufei lying on the couch. "ANOTHER CAT!"
"Ah, Quatre, you're here." Trowa said, coming out in a bathrobe.
"Don't, ‘Ah, Quatre, you're here!' me. You promised no more cats."
"This one was about to be attacked."
"Trowa... "
"Quatre, I'll try to find a home for Wufei or his true owner in a couple weeks. I'm sure I'll find... "
"Absolutely not. The other tenants in this building... "
Trowa sighed and decided he'd have to use his trump card this time. He took off his bathrobe to reveal that he was wearing a United Parcel Service Uniform complete with brown shorts.
"A UPS delivery man?' said Quatre, nose bleeding.
"Yes, Quatre, and he has a really interesting package for you. But I'm afraid that the package may be... delayed unless... " He said this while crossing and uncrossing his legs.
"Trowa, don't. You're... so... "
Trowa gave him a teensy-eensy smile.
Quatre turned into a puddle of goo on the floor.
That reminds me, thought Catherine. I should make soup for tomorrow.
"... " Trowa said.
"What's the matter, Trowa? Having a hard time finding the owner of the kitty?"
"No, the problem is that he has two candidates. I saw two fliers up today. One is from a Sally at 555-popo. Another is a Treize at 555-rose. Both describe the same cat. I am pondering what to do."
"The obvious answer is for you to call both of them and whoever makes the better claim wins."
"Ah, but how can we judge?"
"You don't have to... The kitty will go to his rightful owner. It's as simple as that."
Meanwhile, Wufei was lying on his back, napping in the dappled sunlight from the apartment window like he did 20 hours out of 24. However, when he heard Trowa about to go for a walk, he woke up and purred, rubbing himself again his leg.
"Ah, I see you want to play with some of my special string toys."
Catherine shook her head.
"Yes, somebody found my kitty!" cried Treize while on the phone.
"Your... kitty... " said Zechs, sweatdropping.
"You called someone else as well... but... Yes I will be there. To think that someone else put in a claim for Wufei."
"Oh, you mean, like the REAL owner?" said Zechs.
Treize glared at him. "I am the REAL owner!"
Kalunk!!
"What is he doing on the floor?" said Dorothy, looking at an unconscious Zechs.
Five minutes later.
"Yes, this is Sally Po. You've got Wufei, that's wonderful. Someone else's claiming my cat?" Sally gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, I'll be over at 8. Thank you."
Sally turned to Noin and said, "Did you hear that? Someone else wants my cat... "
Noin frowned. "Why?"
"This could be quite a problem," said Sally. "Cats aren't exactly noted for their loyalty. Hmm, perhaps I should call Ronnie."
Treize showed up alone while Sally showed up with Ron Shirin. Ronnie had handed her a big black bag. "Don't look inside until you've gotten your mitts on Wufei," said Ronnie. "Inside this bag is our secret weapon."
Trowa was holding the kitty. "Now that both of you are here... "
Pin-pon went the doorbell. Catherine opened the door to see Quatre with Rashid and Abdul.
"Quatre, why are you here?"
"Oh, I just want to make sure the kitty is actually going today. As for Rashid and Abdul, they're just here in case either party turns to violence as a way to settle their differences. I don't care what you do outside my building, but inside, you're going to BEHAVE! Are we clear about that?"
Both parties nodded.
Trowa flashed Quatre another inky-dinky smile, which caused Catherine to snatch up the mop when Quatre once again melted.
Treize and Sally glared at each other with such fire and hatred and kitty-obsession that one might wish that lust had been another emotion expressed so this could turn into a 13XSally story, but that will have to be another story. As it was, neither had sharp instruments of death at hand, which was also really too bad as violence and bloodshed are always entertaining.
Trowa put his thumb and forefinger on the cat's temples.
"Trowa, what are you doing?' said Quatre.
"I am mind-melding with Wufei," replied Trowa. "Now, Wufei, as you can not stay here with me, you must go to the one who is your true pet... owner." With that, he put Wufei down.
Both parties looked at him expectantly.
"Come here, Wufei," said Treize, smiling.
Sally said, "Come here, Wufei."
Wufei caught wind of something utterly alluring coming from Sally's direction. What is that smell? He began padding towards Sally.
Treize narrowed his eyes and said, "What is in that bag?" He snatched it from Sally and opened it only to have a cat jump out and cling to his face. "GYAHHHHH!"
"Meiran!" cried Ron. Meiran then jumped off Treize's face and ran around the room.
Wufei started to chase Meiran. He really couldn't help it as she was in full heat. Soon, the air was filled with "RYEEEEOUUUUUWWW, RORRRWUUUU!" the usual pillow talk of cats.
"You cheater!" said Treize.
The wizened dumpling woman pushed Sally aside and said, "I'm the one who came up with the plan. I'm the one you must fight." She got into a fighting stance, which Treize reciprocated.
"STOP!" yelled Quatre. "Rashid!"
Meanwhile, Wufei and Meiran had finished their hanky-panky.
"Get off," snapped Meiran. "I only allowed you to touch me because I was in heat."
"Oh, fine!" hissed Wufei. "Blame me for your pumping out all those hormones to get me excited!"
Rashid and Abdul hurled both Ron and Treize out of the apartment building... through the open window. Luckily, they were on the ground floor so only their pride was hurt. Meiran scampered to her owner's side.
Meanwhile, inside, Sally picked up Wufei and said, "How about I take you away from all this insanity?"
Wufei nodded wearily, partly from a fun little workout and partly from too many adventures. "Onna, take me home."
Trowa heard this and sighed. "Looks like kitty's going home."
"Good," said Quatre. "But Trowa... "
"Yes, Quatre."
"NO MORE CATS!"
The End
(:./mk/arrogance)
