Title: If Not For You - Part 2/4
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai
Pairings: 1+2
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam... and I don't have any money either.
Rating: R
Warnings: Violence, NCS, and Adult Material
Duo awoke feeling almost as tired as he'd been the night before, but when he looked at Heero sleeping soundly beside him, he welcomed the weariness if it meant that Heero would be all right. He watched him lying there in restful slumber and wondered what he was dreaming about. The nightmares he had expected to come hadn't. He was thankful for that; Heero needed to get some rest if he was going to get better. Duo gently brushed Heero's hair out of his eyes and noticed that the former wing pilot still had his fingers wrapped around Duo's hair.
"If I never have another reason to have my hair long, I'll keep it this way just for you, Heero." He didn't realize he'd said it out loud. Heero opened his eyes.
"You'd better. Don't make me have to kill you because you cut your hair."
Duo smiled. It was said simply, but Duo felt his heart swell. 'Sounds like my Heero is finally coming back.' He refused to acknowledge that he'd thought "my Heero".
"You hungry? I'm starving. How about some grilled cheese sandwiches and vegetable soup?"
Heero closed his eyes and sighed. "That sounds good. I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday afternoon. For once, I'm starving too."
"All right. I'll be right back."
Duo stood up and began braiding his hair. Heero felt a moment of panic. 'I can't touch it if it's not down! He can't take it away from me ...'
Duo turned around to retrieve his hair tie from the nightstand and happened to glance at Heero. He saw the look of desperation in the other boy's eyes. "Hey, what's wrong?"
"Your hair... " Heero felt so stupid for needing such a frivolous thing, but he couldn't help it.
Duo hadn't even thought. He could see the self-loathing on Heero's face and knew that his friend didn't want to admit that he still needed it. Duo knew he had to keep making Heero accept whatever comfort would help his get through this ordeal, even if it meant he had to embarrass the other boy to do it. "Don't worry, you can take it back down anytime you need to, okay? I just need to pull it back while I cook."
Heero smirked up at Duo, knowing what Duo was thinking; he made himself relax again. "Okay," he replied, a little annoyed at having to go along with Duo, yet relieved at the same time.
Duo grinned widely. "Okay. I'll be back with the food. Try not to get into any trouble while I'm gone."
"How could I get into any trouble in here, Duo?" Heero asked, aggravation evident in his voice. Nothing had ever sounded so good to Duo. If Heero was aggravated, it meant he was feeling better. Duo turned and smiled at him.
"Heero Yuy, you could get into trouble no matter where you are. You have an affinity for it. Just like me!" With that Duo turned and headed for the kitchen. He could have sworn he saw a small smile curve the other boy's lips.
In no time at all, Duo came back into the bedroom carrying various things on a tray. Bowls of steaming soup, no less than two grilled cheese sandwiches for each of them, and glasses of cola over ice were all piled on there. Heero eyed the tray hungrily.
"Grilled cheese sandwiches are one of the few things I can make without messing up the whole kitchen in the process," Duo laughed. "I do pretty good with scrambled eggs too, but it's too late to eat breakfast."
Heero took a bite of his grilled cheese. "That's really good, Duo."
Duo grinned. "Don't sound so surprised, Yuy. I make a mean hamburger too." Heero was too busy stuffing his face with soup and sandwich to comment. They ate in comfortable silence. Duo was about to pick up the tray when he had a thought.
"You know," Duo began, "It might not be a bad idea to let you soak in some warm water in the tub, Heero. It might help loosen those muscles and take the soreness out of your bruises."
"You're right, it's not a bad idea. I feel so dirty anyway ..." Those last few words weren't suppose to be voiced, but Heero realized he'd said them aloud at the same time Duo did.
"Heero. You shouldn't feel that way. You can't help what someone else did to you. You have to accept that. You'll never recover if you don't."
"How do you know?" Heero almost spat, angrier with himself for bringing it up than at Duo. He didn't want to think about it let alone talk about it. Even though Duo was helping him, Heero didn't want to do this.
Duo sensed the anger. 'Good. Anger is better than feeling sorry for yourself.' He knew he had to respond to Heero's question, so he tried to as gently as possible. "I just do, so listen to me, okay? You are still the same person. You're just as strong as you were before this happened. Actually, you're even stronger. Emotion can be strength, Heero. You have to quit burying them. It won't help."
"Emotion causes mistakes, Duo. One minute, you're relying on instinct to guide you, the next your reason is clouded by love, fear, anger, lust, whatever, and you react to the feelings instead of the situation. That's dangerous, Duo. Dangerous. It can get you killed."
"And living without feelings is like being dead already, Heero," Duo replied hotly. "What's dangerous is convincing yourself that you don't need your feelings. We all need them. I hide mine behind my smile a lot, but that doesn't mean that I ignore them. You hide yours behind indifference, and never acknowledge them. That's worse, because people who you really care about never know it. At least all you guys know how much I care, even if I'm not as open as Quatre."
Heero looked at Duo, trying to take in what he was saying. 'He hides behind his smile? Does that mean he struggles with his feelings just like I do mine?' He decided to think about that later.
"Can you help me to the tub?" he asked suddenly, not wanting to argue. He didn't want to deal with it at all.
Duo nodded. "Yeah." He cleared the tray away, but before he began to undress Heero, he stopped suddenly. He realized that what Heero had been saying should be expected. Repression was not the answer to Heero's problem, but neither was anger, even though anger needed to be expressed. Duo was trying to tell him how to feel, and he didn't have the right to do that. He knew he had to let Heero know that it was okay to feel. He sat down beside Heero on the bed.
"I don't mean to make you feel like you can't express what you're thinking, Heero. I want you to tell me how you feel, but I'm not going to just sit by and let you feel bad about yourself without saying something. I care too much about you to do that. The sooner you realize that there was nothing you could do to stop what happened to you, the sooner you'll be able to accept what happened. It takes time to heal..."
"I'll never accept what happened! I should have been able to do something, Duo. I should have been able to get away before they had their fun with me!" Heero hadn't wanted to face it, but Duo was making him, and he couldn't stop the rage. "They took advantage of me in ways I can't even begin to explain to you. If I hadn't been so caught up in my own thoughts before it happened, I'd have seen them coming. I should have been more aware of my surroundings. I should have noticed how they looked at me. I should have seen them leave before I did so they could be waiting for me when I came by the alley. I didn't until it was too late. I have no one to blame but myself!" Heero was yelling by this time.
Duo took hold of Heero's shoulders. "No! Never blame yourself! You didn't do anything wrong, Heero. You didn't ask them to do this to you. You never consented."
"My body did, over and over again!" Heero shouted, shame engulfing him. He felt tears well up in his eyes and forced them back. He would not cry, not now, not ever.
"You're body responded just like anyone else's would have, Heero."
"But I'm not like anyone else!" Heero spat fiercely. "I should have been able to have broken their necks, especially the one. It shouldn't have been hard to do. Why couldn't I handle four of them? In battle, I've taken on fifty at a time. Why couldn't I get away? Why, Duo?" Heero's voice shook, and Duo gently pulled him into his arms, surprised when Heero didn't even try to resist.
"Because this attack wasn't in combat, Heero. It was personal. You've never faced something like this, so you didn't know how to fight them."
"I just kept hoping they'd stop," Heero said softly, taking comfort from Duo's embrace, yet hating his self for needing it. He didn't want to talk about it, but his mouth just keep going. "I just kept thinking they'd get enough and leave me alone. They wouldn't quit. They just kept touching me, kept making my body react when I didn't want it to. It was humiliating. It was degrading. I can't think of enough horrible words to describe it, Duo. I just wanted to die."
Duo felt tears flowing down his own face. He knew what he had to say, but it didn't make it any easier. "I know."
Heero pulled away. "No you don't! Don't ever say you do." Heero then took in Duo's tears and saw something flicker in braided boy's eyes. It made Heero's heart grip inside his chest. 'No, Duo. Don't say ...'
"I do know, Heero. I know exactly how you feel, because it's how I felt every time it happened to me."
Heero closed his eyes trying to block out the words. 'That's how he knew what to look for. That's how he knew what to do. That's how he knew what I needed. Oh Duo, no. No!'
Duo watched him wrestle with the truth, hoping it didn't make Heero hate him. He had never told anyone about L2.
He had wanted to forget about it. Now he had to face it in order to help Heero.
"When you live on the streets, Heero, sometimes you have to do things to survive that you thought you could never do. Even if you don't have any possessions, there is always one thing you can sell."
Heero opened his eyes, shock and horror evident on his face. "You 'sold' yourself?"
Duo nodded, feeling the shame of it all again, yet accepting it because it was something he'd had to do at the time to live. "Even if you get paid, it doesn't make it any less rape when they make you do the kind of things they made me do. I know how it feels when they take their turns with you. I know how it feels to hear them laugh as they hurt you. I know all about it, Heero. It was my life before I became Shinigami."
"Duo... I'm so... forgive me, please... I didn't know ..." Heero felt the tears finally escape in spite of his admonitions to himself. The tears weren't for him. They were silent tokens of understanding for the violet-eyed boy sitting in front of him, baring his soul for the sake of saving his friend's. Heero owed him this much at least.
"It's okay," Duo said as he wiped the tears from Heero's face, taking them for what they were being giving as. "I just want you to understand that no matter what those bastards said, it wasn't your fault; you couldn't have kept your body from responding to them no matter how hard you tried, and just because your body responded, it didn't mean that you wanted it to happen. Unless your mind and heart want what's happening, it's just a physical reaction, Heero. That's all."
Heero looked at Duo for what seemed like the first time. 'All this time, he's been trying to help me through this when he's been having to deal with what happened to him all over again through me.' It made Heero even more aware of what kind of friend Duo was. He didn't know how to reciprocate such a selfless act.
"Knowing that it happened to you... I wish it hadn't... to either one of us, but..."
"I know. That's why I told you. I don't want you to go through this alone."
"Thank you. I know that's sounds so... but I don't know what else to say ..." Heero felt frustrated for the first time at not being able to express himself. Duo needed to hear the words, even if Heero couldn't say them.
Duo pulled Heero to him again, "You don't need to say anything. Just remember that you are the one who controls how you feel about yourself, Heero. You can either despise yourself or love yourself. I hope you decide to love yourself, but even if you don't, I'll love you no matter what." Duo felt his heart tighten at saying those words. They were true, but everyone he'd ever felt that way about had died. It scared him to say those words again, but he knew he had to. Heero needed to hear them. No matter what happened, Heero would always have those words to hold onto in his heart; the same way Duo held onto them from Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. There were times those words were the only thing that had kept him sane.
They were words Heero had never expected to hear. He let the sound of them sink deep into his heart before pulling away from Duo again to look at him. He never would have taken those words seriously before, but Heero knew that Duo would never say that unless he meant it. He didn't know how much Duo loved him, but at the moment, that didn't matter. The love Duo was offering him was something that transcended the trite concepts of romantic love... it was much deeper. He knew he had to respond to those words with what he was feeling, even if it scared him. And it really scared him. He reached deep inside himself and opened a door he'd locked a long time ago.
"I... I... Aishiteru, Duo. It's Japanese. It means something more than 'I love you'. It's... it's a never-ending form of 'I love you', like forever..." Heero realized he had nowhere to hide; his mask had shattered with those words.
Duo saw it, and his breath caught. Heero had just told him that he loved him. It had to have been the hardest thing the former wing pilot had ever done. Duo had done it in a round about way. He knew he had to say it out right this time. Heero deserved as much. "Then I Aishiteru you too."
Heero smiled slightly at the odd use of the endearment then leaned forward and kissed Duo on the cheek. It seemed like the right thing to do. Duo tried not to let it show that the kiss had affected him. In truth, it was like a warm summer rain to his soul. He wanted more, but he knew now was not the time. "Let's get you in that tub, okay?"
Heero nodded. Had he imagined that Duo's face flushed when he kissed him? Had he imagined that Duo had a look of longing in his eyes for him to kiss him more? Heero tried to push those thoughts aside as Duo began undressing him, but he noticed how much color Duo's face had after taking off his boxers. Did Duo find him attractive? Instead of that thought repulsing him, it actually excited him. Did that mean he found Duo attractive? He would have to think about that. Duo had said that his body responded on its own, but what Heero was feeling wasn't coming from his body alone. His mind was aware of the desire, and his heart... well his heart seemed to be a co-conspirator as well, for it felt warm when he thought about Duo that way. He'd just thought moments ago that it didn't matter to what degree Duo loved him right now, but as he felt Duo's strong arms lift and carry him into the bathroom, Heero was suddenly aware for the first time that Duo had never discouraged any type of touch between them. Could that mean that Duo wanted him sexually as well as platonically? 'My body is your body.' That's what Duo had said. As Duo placed him in the tub, Heero decided that before he left Duo's care he would find out how true that statement really was.
Duo walked down the street to the local drug store. He'd left Heero in bed, clean and rested from a nice long warm bath. It had occurred to Duo while Heero was soaking, that he could get some liniment for Heero's bruises; after Heero had been settled, Duo had headed out. In truth, Duo needed to get out of the apartment for a little while. Their mutual declaration of affection had caused Duo to become uncomfortable around his friend. He knew he shouldn't be; Heero had just meant that he cared about Duo, that's all. Of course, Duo tried to keep his heart from pounding out of his chest every time he thought about that soft kiss Heero had placed on his cheek. It had been the most wonderful feeling he'd ever known when he'd felt those soft lips on his face.
Duo shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. He entered the drug store and told himself to focus on the mission at hand. Searching the shelves, he found the items he wanted and carried them to the front. As he waited in line, he overheard two men talking behind him.
"Yeah, you should have seen the fine piece of ass we took two nights ago. He couldn't have been more than sixteen or seventeen. Blazing blue eyes, wild hair, and a body... I tell you what, I've never had a sweeter cherry."
"Really? I bet you had a good time with him. They always enjoy it even if they won't admit it."
Duo froze. He tried to keep breathing, but it was so hard to focus on anything but what he had just heard. He felt the rage flow through his blood, and suddenly, it was no longer Duo standing there, but Shinigami. He forced himself to become the cold impassive visage that could handle this situation the way it needed to be handled. He listened as the bastard actually laughed.
"It took three of us to hold him down, but he sure as hell was worth it. If it hadn't been for some stupid bitch honking her horn on the street, we would have had an even better time with him. He managed to get away, even after we'd been fucking him for over three hours. I don't know how he managed it, but I sure hope I see him around again. I wouldn't mind another go at him."
Duo moved to the counter and paid, taking the bag when the cashier handed it to him. Carefully, he turned around and got a good look at the two men standing there, still smirking at each other. Duo saw which one had actually participated in the insidious acts by listening for his voice. The man was about forty years old, black hair, dark eyes, medium build and height, with a large cobra tattoo on his left forearm. Duo could feel the hatred pulse through him. That man had hurt Heero, taken his innocence, and wasn't one bit ashamed or sorry for it. 'We'll see about that, you son-of-a-bitch,' Duo thought coldly. Once sure of his target, Duo strode casually out of the store.
It wasn't long until the man walked out of the store. Duo watched him bid the other guy goodbye, and began walking away... toward Duo. Duo stepped out of the alley and put on his best sensual look. 'At least this will be used for something good this time.'
"Hey there, handsome. How about a quick fuck? I saw you in the drug store, and I knew what I wanted the moment I laid eyes on you."
The man stopped and stared at the beautiful boy in front of him. Long brown hair in a braid, incredible eyes, and a body as nice as the other boy's he'd had the other night. He didn't usually accept offers like that. He preferred to choose his prey and stalk them until he caught them; but the boy in front of him was just too much of a temptation to resist. That smile almost made him come right then and there. He walked up to the sexy boy and nodded silently.
Duo let the man push him into the alley. He suppressed the feeling of panic that gripped him for a moment. Shinigami was in control; it wasn't like all those other times on L2. Besides, he knew what he was doing, and it didn't include giving himself to this prick. He managed to maneuver the man around so Duo still had access to the alley entrance.
"Let me do something for you," Duo said in a sugary voice as he began unbuttoning the man's pants.
"Yes. You do that," sneered the man. He didn't really like it as much since the boy was willing, but he told himself he'd make up for it tonight. He'd follow the boy home, then catch him out unaware and do whatever he wanted to him. That thought made him even more excited.
Duo forced himself to smile as he pulled down the man's pants, slipping his hand inside his boxers. It was all he could do to not empty the contents of his stomach, but he reminded himself that it would only be for a moment. He saw the pleasure on the man's face as he touched him and felt the rage building with each stroke. He recalled how Heero had looked when he had collapsed at his door, the empty look in Heero's eyes while he had cleaned him up, the desperate way Heero had held onto his hair, the gash, the cuts, the bruises...
The man never knew what hit him. Duo moved as fast as lightning, kneeing the bastard in the groin then elbowing him right below the neck to take him down. The man lay gasping still trying to figure out what was happening. Duo was over him immediately; he punched him in the stomach then the face several times, breaking his nose and blackening both eyes. The man crumpled under the surprise assault, moaning from the pain.
"That nice piece of ass you had two nights ago? That was my best friend, you son-of-a-bitch! You took away something precious not only to him but to me, something that wasn't yours to take. Now it's time you paid for it."
Duo dragged the man to his feet, slamming him against the wall before he punched him in the ribs. He knew he'd broken at least one when his fist made contact. Duo felt his control slipping away, and reined in his anger. He didn't want to kill the man, even though the sick bastard deserved it. It wouldn't do Heero any good in the long run, even if it did make both of them feel better right now.
Duo took the man's chin in his fingers, forcing him to look into his raging violet eyes. "I used to live on L2, so this is not an empty threat." Duo let that sink in then continued, "If I ever hear of you molesting anyone else, I will find you, and I will make you scream in agony for hours until you beg for death. Tell your pals the same."
With that Duo threw the man down on the ground and walked away.
Heero heard the door open and sighed in relief. He had been kind of worried because Duo had been gone so long. Images of Duo being surrounded by four guys kept entering his mind even though he'd tried to shut them out for the past hour. When Duo walked into the bedroom, Heero immediately noticed the flushed look, the crumpled clothes, and blood on Duo's knuckles; Panic filled him.
"Duo?" he almost shouted, his voice betraying his fear.
"Hey!" Duo responded, trying to ignore his current state and Heero's concern. "I got what we need. I'm going to go wash up then apply it so those bruises can heal sooner." Duo began walking toward the bathroom.
"Tell me what happened." Heero said as he gritted his teeth, the images from earlier planting themselves firmly in his mind again.
Duo turned back around, and forced a smile. "I had a little mishap, Heero. I'm fine. Quit worrying."
"Quit lying to me! You've never lied to me before, Duo. Never! Don't start now." Heero knew something had happened. The fact that Duo wouldn't tell him made him think the worst.
Duo sighed heavily and walked over to the bed. He sat down then quickly gathered Heero into his arms. Heero felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach. Duo was trying to prepare him for whatever he was going to tell him. Heero had never felt fear before. Even when they had... well, he had been more angry than afraid even then. He let Duo hold him for a while, trying to calm down so Duo would feel like he could talk to him.
Duo knew Heero would not be satisfied until he told him the truth. Finally, he spoke. "I ran across one of the guys who... hurt... you. I heard him bragging about it to one of his friends. I waited for him in the alley, and then I beat the shit out of him. That's all that happened. End of story."
Heero pulled away and stared at Duo. "Which one? What did he look like? Tell me!"
"He had a cobra tattoo."
Heero closed his eyes. How Duo knew that he would remember him by that, Heero didn't know. Maybe it was because Duo had been through it and knew what someone remembered about a person that... raped you. Heero hadn't used the word yet, even though Duo had. Heero hadn't been able to accept it, but looking into Duo's eyes, he knew he had to. He had been raped. The sooner he faced it, the sooner he would heal.
Duo watched the other boy, wishing he could have done more. He had promised to make them pay for it. At least he had managed to fulfill that promise to some degree. He probably would never get the chance to fulfill it completely. Looking at Heero's face, Duo knew that this would be enough somehow.
"I can't believe you did that," Heero finally said, his voice sounding small to Duo's ears. "I can't believe you did that for me." Heero looked at him, his eyes conveying how much it meant to him even though he couldn't say the words. Duo pulled him back into his embrace, burying his face in Heero's hair.
"I had to hold myself back to keep from killing him, Heero. It took ever ounce of self control I have, buddy, but I knew I had to do it. I told him if he ever hurt anyone else, I'd kill him. I meant it."
Heero suddenly smiled. It was rather ironic considering what they were talking about, and something he rarely if ever did, but the protection he heard in Duo's voice was so wonderful he couldn't help himself. He shifted so the other boy could see it. Duo looked and gasped in unbelief. Heero's smile grew without him even realizing it.
"No one messes with Shinigami... or his friends. Death will come quickly if they do."
Duo laughed, his heart feeling lighter than it had in ages. "You'd better believe it. Hell hath no fury like a Shinigami gone ballistic! If it ever happens, they'd better clear the room, women and children first."
"Who would have ever thought that you didn't need Deathscythe to be so deadly?" Heero teased, feeling better than he had in a long time. He couldn't say he felt more like himself, because he didn't. He didn't know if he ever would feel like he used to, but that didn't seem like such a bad thing right now.
Duo gave him a feigned hurt look. "What? That piece of metal wouldn't have done anyone else any good. It was the pilot that made Deathscythe a legend. Duo Maxwell is one bad ass, and don't you forget it."
Heero smirked. "Duo Maxwell," he began, his voice heavy with sarcasm, which changed to something else before he continued, "is one hell of a friend. And I will never forget it."
Heero moved back into Duo's arms before the other boy could see the emotion in his eyes. Heero wasn't ready to explore those feelings until he was mended. It had taken something so horrible to finally make him see that Duo meant something to him. Of course, he was still trying to figure that something out, but for the time being, Duo was everything that he needed... And more.
End Part 2
(:./tk/infy2)
