31-Mar-2003
Title: Forever Moment
Author: Yoiko
Notes: Long time no see! There was a fanfic challenge on one of the livejournal communities I belong to (for Heero-Duo fans), and this was my response. The warnings are actually spoilers for the story, in my opinion, but I can't think of any way around having them. So if you want to see the story spoiler-free, please be forewarned that the challenge was to write something of a mind-bending, not-necessarily-happy variety, and skip down past the warnings.
Warnings: death, somewhat lemony moments, yaoi, no happy ending
"We surrender, but we will not hand over the Gundams."
It was unreal, a moment that stretched into eternity. My heart got stuck in my throat when Wing's cockpit opened, and I felt this sudden horror dawning when I saw Heero step out with the self-destruct button in his hand and I realized what he was going to do. It was terrifying and inevitable, like the moment you lose control of your motorcycle and you know you're going to crash, or the moment when the guys who have been teasing you about your hair hold you under the water just long enough that you give up thrashing and know you're about to die.
This was worse, though, so much worse, and I wanted to look away but I couldn't help staring at the screen, unblinking, as the Gundam exploded, and at the heart of blinding brighness was Heero, flung across the barren field of battle like a limp, torn rag-doll. I was staring at the image on the screen, watching blood pool under his body, and at the same time I could almost feel his touch, the rush of blood under his smooth skin... I could almost hear that soft, hitching little groan he made when he lost it.
I didn't want to believe it. Couldn't believe it. That he was gone between one moment and the next... Heavyarms scooped up his body, I guess so that he'd at least have a decent burial. Over the roaring in my ears I heard the enemy's voice saying something like "Get out of here. I can't fight you like this," but I couldn't move until Heavyarms started walking away.
I had to go where Heero's body went. I had to see his grave, even if I couldn't leave him anything. But it didn't work out that way; the Lightning Count might be too much a gentleman to fight under those circumstances, but the other OZ fighters had no intention of letting us peacefully evacuate.
It wasn't until a lucky shot drove Deathscythe to his knees that I was able to do more than just gape like a ninny, but I was so... numb. That blond guy was shouting at us, trying to rally us to cover Heavyarms's retreat, and somehow, numbly, I started fighting back.
It was all a blur after that, fighting our way free, hiding in the desert, biting my own hand until it bled because boys don't cry, they don't cry, dammit, and it was the only way to stop the tears from boiling up. And the blond was there again, offering help, and... I needed help just then. I let him guide me, not really caring where I ended up. Oh, later I would come to decide that if Heero was willing to die for what he believed in, I'd damn well make the mission a success so his death wouldn't be pointless. But at the time, I didn't care about anything but the fact that Heero was gone.
I ran and I hid, and I lived to the next day, and the next, and the next. And it never got easier, knowing he was gone... until the day he came back.
I could have fucking killed him and Trowa both, for keeping it secret. A whole month of being dead inside, and then he just pops up out of nowhere like "Hi, I'm back again! Did you miss me?" Selfish bastard, but what can you do? Just seeing that damn Gundam in action again was enough to make my heart skip, and I felt like a complete idiot for assuming he was dead... but who wouldn't be *dead*, after that? Who would have thought that all the king's horses and all the king's men could fix the mess he'd made of himself and his machine?
He was all in one piece, though, and as tough and unbending as ever. You'd think that as soon as I got him alone I'd give him a piece of my mind, but I didn't. I flung myself at him and kissed him, demanding and furious and urgent, and I didn't ease up until he started kissing back. It was quick and needy and hot, tearing at each other's clothes, touching and giving and taking with a hard, desperate edge.
He made that same soft little noise, a little gasping moan that I swear is the sexiest thing I have ever heard. Afterwards, he lay still long enough for me to look at him. His torso was riddled with healing scars, but he was all in one piece, alive despite the odds, despite everything.
"Don't you do that to me again," I told him.
"It wasn't exactly my idea," he said, and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. Much as I wanted to stick to him like vinyl in the summer-time, we were split up all too often. He was careful, though, to brief me after that--where he was going, what his goal was--and I did the same for him. It was only practical... if you die on a mission, you want someone to be able to finish the job for you.
Or, if you get captured on a mission, you want them to have an idea where to start looking for you before you spill anything important. I really expected him to shoot me--it was obviously what he was *supposed* to do--but he dragged my sorry ass out of the holding cell instead, and when he got me alone it was his turn to growl, "Don't you do that to me again."
What else could I reply? Naturally, I said, "It wasn't exactly my idea." It got a little smile out of him.
After that... we lived. We ran and we hid and we lived to fight again. I had something to live for, you see, even when life sucked. I like to think that he found the same in me... he certainly changed his mind about his life being cheap, and I think he really *wanted* to survive.
And then, at the very end of the war, damn if I didn't think I'd lost him again. There was a huge explosion, and blinding brightness, and at the very heart of it, coming back to us, was Wing Zero...
"Get out of here. I can't fight you like this!"
I'm staring at the screen, watching blood pool under Heero's body, and remembering the feeling of his hands on me, the rapid rush of his pulse, the soft little helpless sound he made when he came. Heavyarms stoops to scoop up Heero's broken body, and the blond is trying to get us all to snap out of it...
And I know. It was all a dream, in that forever instant of horror. Wing can't be rebuilt. Heero isn't coming back. He's gone. Gone. And, as inevitably as losing control of a motorcycle or being half-drowned, after the moment of horror comes the pain.
The End
(:./yoiko/forever)
