05-Nov-2000
Title: Tsuyoku Hakanai Monotachi
Author: Cutter
Notes: As some of you know, I have never written a rape fic and
generally do not read them, for personal as well as "professional"
(writerly, I guess) reasons. This is not primarily a rape fic as
they are usually seen... and it's nothing like what my original idea
for a rape fic was. Both the original idea (which I may pick up one
day, so I can pick Heero's brain) and this fic are answers to the
things I see and can't deal with in the average "rape fic." I have
tried to be true to what I know. "Tsuyoku Hakanai Monotachi"
means "The Strong and Ephemeral People," essentially, and is the
title of a song by Cocco.
Warnings: Angst. Mention of rape. I promise not to kill anyone
important; usually I wouldn't spoil but I know for some people it's
healthy to have an added suicide warning if they're going to risk a
rape fic and it ends up that way. So for your emotional protection
in that case, I'm telling you ahead of time that this fic is an NSZ
(No Suicide Zone).
Disclaimers: I don't own any of my puppets. I own only my words and
my demons (or is it the other way around?).
We none of us know what we're doing here.
A wise woman told me that, once... back when I thought a woman was an adequate reason for being anywhere, as long as the colonies didn't need me off fighting some poor schmuck whose superiors needed him off fighting me.
She was the wisest person I ever knew, I think. And the funny thing is that I think that because she kept trying to tell me that fundamentally, no one is wise, and none of us really knows what the fuck's going on, at the bottom of things. We just muddle on through life, taking whatever path we choose because we don't know where any of them lead anyway, so what does it matter? Nobody who's ever tried to inspire or teach or impress me has ever matched that sheer refusal to inspire or teach or impress in my mind, though I didn't figure any of this out at the time.
Possibly the reason why I didn't figure it out was that I was busy concentrating on getting her into bed with me. Not that I had *that* figured out, either...
I was so certain I loved her. And I probably did; I know I certainly do now. But somehow the quality of that love got mixed up in everything else.
Actually, you know what? Maybe I'd better begin at the beginning.
When I met Hilde, the first thing I noticed was that she was beautiful. You can lecture me all you like on not treating women as objects, chauvinism, blah, blah, blah... the fact is that I was a teenage boy, and I was hormonal, and like all other teenage boys, the first thing I noticed in most situations when I met a woman was her looks. I don't say this is right, or healthy, but it's the way things are.
The second thing I noticed--about a nanosecond later--was that she was an enemy pointing a gun at me. And I have to admit the impression that made was favorable, too; not that she was an enemy, but that she was strong enough in mind and body to be a soldier, that she had a cause she believed in, even if it wasn't the same as mine on the outside. It's kind of the same feeling that made Heero decide to respect me after I shot him twice. Not although I shot him twice; *because* I shot him twice. Call me stupid, but I like my women equals, and I didn't meet many women in my line of work... come to think of it, I didn't meet much of *anyone* that wasn't dead soon afterwards. That was why I tried to talk her out of the side she was taking.
Well, that, and I was her prisoner. And I didn't have much else to do. And I find that one thing I can always do under pressure and with very little thought is talk.
When she showed she was brave enough to admit she'd chosen the wrong side in the war, and to help me escape, I knew I really wanted her. Later, when she risked her life to steal those disks for me and for the cause--I know her better than anyone else and I know it was for both reasons--I thought I knew she was the One. The Woman for Me. Strong, a soldier, a beauty.
I never thought to wonder why she'd become a soldier, which was my first mistake. After the war, we lived together on L2 and ran a junk heap. However, much to my regret, we didn't live together in *that* sense. We had separate bedrooms--separate as in across the fricking length of the apartment. And she was friendly, and she *flirted* with me, and she knew, she *must* have known I wanted her. And she stayed physically as far away from me as she could get, but for the little hugs and the occasional shoulder rubs she sometimes permitted. I didn't get it. I also didn't think it was weird that she carried herself as a soldier still. At first, I didn't think it was weird at all. We all have our freaky pasts and our demons and our pathetic stories no one wants to hear. I figured hers was pretty much like mine, except without the witness-to-a-slaughter-of-hundreds- of-orphans part. I expected that from her.
I didn't quite expect what I eventually got, though. Her pathetic story was a little different than mine.
Eventually, I did notice that her bearing was stiff, more soldierlike than it should've been... maybe that sounds stupid to you, but I'd seen Hildey when she didn't think anyone was around, or when she was just with one of her old friends from L2 childhood--and when I say "one," I mean that literally. She had only one friend beside me. But the point, the point, I misplaced the point... right. I'm a little slow at this psychological stuff, I know, but I did figure out after awhile that the way she held her body, the look in her eyes, everything changed slightly when I entered the room, and that that was weird. When any man entered the room, really. Any man... like I said, I'm a little slow with this stuff, but that was when a little voice in my head whispered to me that whatever shit Hilde was carrying, it wasn't good, and it wasn't something I'd dealt with before.
The rest should've been easy to guess, but I didn't want to see it.
Until one day she wordlessly handed me a little flyer to read, a flyer she'd found slipped under the door of the junk shop with the newspaper and the water bill. It said "L2 Rape Survivor Support Meeting" at the top, and then a date, and a time, and a little picture of something or other. I only really saw one word, and I found myself reading it over and over, trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out what she was trying to say to me. Rape. R-a-p- e. The letters individually don't make any sense; why should they make any sense strung together? There was nothing sinister about the letter R, or A, and I refused to let them affect me... and they *certainly* didn't have anything to do with her... I was being just a tad irrational, I know. I think it was just the surprise. I mean, I'm Shinigami, and unlike Heero or the others, a frighteningly large part of me wouldn't mind still being with my aibou, flying around sending people to hell with his gleaming scythe. I don't mind blood and death in the same way other people do, and I don't mind stealing or conniving or any of those things... but there are a few crimes that will turn my stomach, that I know are *wrong* and are *always* wrong.
No, they don't have to do with women and children specifically, though some would probably argue that they do. It is wrong when you harm innocents without cause. War, freeing the colonies, is a cause, and within a cause there is little innocence. What there is of it gets killed early on, upon which we mourn its passing and tell each other it sucks and then get down to the business of fighting. But a thing like rape, or molestation... cause is never behind them, finally, and they are acts that destroy innocence. They're about the seizing of power from the already-at-a-disadvantage. As Wufei would say, they are not necessary for space. Or anywhere else, he would say. And then he would blow shit up.
Except that this was the kind of shit you couldn't sick Shenlong on or blow up with a beam cannon. This wasn't a "beat up the bad guys and then go home" situation. This was Hilde looking at me, spine the military rod-straight, eyes betraying that she wanted to turn tail and run, any second, from whatever was coming next.
This was my thoughts being jolted back from their little jog around the stratosphere as I realized I needed to say something.
This was the beginning of what I call the Losing Period.
End Part 1
I don't know if you'll like it or not, ML-tachi... but I think it's some of my better writing. Then again, I *am* tired and high, but still, I like it. It feels true.
Tune in next time for Part 2: The Losing Period!
(:./cutter/tsuyoku1)
