18-May-2003
Revised: 26-Sep-2004
"What are the parameters?"
"What!?!"
"Pa- ra- me- ters. What are the parameters?"
"Heero, this not some damned mission! I thought you quit thinking that way."
"It could be. And I did."
"Huh?"
"If you don't know what to do, delineate parameters. Just ~treat~ it like a mission. You do remember what those are don't you?"
"Of course I remember, dingbat, but what the hell does this have to do with mission parameters?"
"Duo. You're at Point A. Your goal is Point B. To get from A to B you have to have a plan."
"Most people would just walk from A to get to B, Heero."
"I do have work to finish tonight. If you're just going to make fun of everything I say you can find somebody else to help you." He's reaching for the disconnect switch.
"NO wait! Wait. I'll listen. I promise I'll be good, no more snide remarks."
"Good."
"But it's a damned dinner, Heero, not a frickin' mission, OK."
"Look, I don't know how to plan dinners, I only know how to plan out missions, security systems and software programs. Maybe you should've called somebody else." That makes him stop and think, he tilts his head, eyebrows scrunching up. "By the way why did you call ME? Why didn't you call Quatre?"
"He's been holed up at a hotel for three days in some contract negotiations."
"Trowa?"
"Emailed, haven't heard back. Might be on the move again."
"Wufei?"
I give him my best 'oh please!' look.
"Right. Um. What about Relena?"
"Heero! I am NOT going to call 'The Queen of All I Survey', pull her out of the conference to end all conferences, just to ask for advise on what to feed my study group."
"Fine. And she's not the queen of anything now-a-days so stop calling her that. She hates it." He's thinking again, I can almost see the little gears working behind his eyes. "What about Hilde? She's a girl, she should know."
"Oh my God! Do NOT let her hear you say that kind of shit, she'd rip you a new one. And anyway, I tried. The guys at the yard said she went on vacation with her boyfriend. Won't be back til next weekend."
"Damn!"
"Yeah, that's what I said. Listen, I really need your help buddy."
"Fine, but the only way I know how."
"Yes, yes! A mission it is." This is sooooo stupid. I get some paper and a pen from my backpack. "Right. First off - target: Dinner for the masses. Second - goal: Easy to cook food. I write that down with a flourish befitting one of Shakespeare's sonnets. "Alright. That about covers it!"
"Duo that is the suckiest mission plan I've ever heard."
"Sorry man, but this ain't blowing up an Oz base. I told you it wouldn't work."
"You just need to get in the right mind set."
He's reaching for something I can't see, either behind or next to the vid screen. The telltale clacking of keys makes me moan in anticipated pain. The laptop! "Oooooh Heeeeeeeroooo noooooo." It'll be a miracle if my neighbors don't complain about the moaning tomorrow morning.
"Shut up Duo. I'll ask the questions and you'll answer them.." He gives me the laser eyes. "Or I can hang up?"
"No! No, ask away." I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in my chair. This could take a while!
"Alright. Target and goal have been determined. Deadline?"
"Tomorrow night."
"No wonder you're so desperate." He laughs that quiet, evil, little laugh of his that only comes out at my expense. I ignore it. "Time?"
When he finally looks at me I give him the 'thank you very much, you're such a comedian' smile before answering. "Six-thirty."
"Expected number of hostiles. oh sorry, um. guests?"
Hostiles! He's too funny. "Um, let's see, me and the guys are 6, there's the Doc - seven, and uh. two, I think, from his other class. So, nine total. Ten tops."
"OK. Location?"
"Here."
"In your apartment!?!"
"That's part of the problem."
"Why. In the world. Did you agree to that?"
"Didn't so much agree, as lose. We drew straws. I lost. Next question, please!"
"OK, um. Environmental limitations?"
"Say what?"
"Limitations, um, any vegetarians, allergies, dietary no-nos?"
"How the hell should I know? I didn't ask them to fill out a questionnaire on their eating habits. Geez Heero! This is SO not working!"
"Yes it is. Environmental limitations: unknown. That means we have to be careful about how we put this together."
"We, huh? You coming over in an apron to wait on us by any chance?"
"Get real!" Oops. He's giving me the laser eyes again. "Window of opportunity?"
"Eh, define that please."
"OK, are you eating right when everybody gets there. or having your meeting- discussion thing and then eating after. or meeting, then eating, then more meeting? Window of opportunity. If the food might sit around for a while then you don't want something that like. can't stay in the oven an extra hour cause it'll burn. You know?"
"Oh, I get it. OK, um, we hadn't really decided that. Could go either way. If people are late, we might just do some work first and then eat later.
"Fine." He's looking over the data we've got, thinking again. "You sure you can't just order pizza?"
"Look Heero, if it was just me and the guys, yeah, but Doc Harris is coming too. We decided to do something a little nicer. I mean, the guy really didn't have to do this for us. We can't just feed him pizza and soda, you know?"
"Alright fine. I can't think of anything else. Do you have class tomorrow?"
"Yup, two to four."
"Work?"
"Eight to twelve."
"Shit!"
"No duh."
"Wait a minute. When were you planning to go shopping?"
"Tonight? After you helped me figure out what I was gonna feed these people?"
"Duo, it's almost ten-thirty, most grocery stores close in half an hour!"
"Not a problem. There's a 24-hour place that just opened up a few miles from here. It's not where I usually go, but it'll do in a pinch. So. Aside from the ever popular, doesn't have to be cooked, pampered or thought about pre-meal salad. Got any ideas yet?"
"I would say make some rice and a stir-fry, cause you could cook the meat separate; but. the veggies'll get soggy if you let them sit for too long."
"Yeah and I can't cook rice to save my life, I always burn it. Nice try though."
He's frowning. Damn, looks like I've stumped my trump card. I'm in deep shit here!
"Hey, what about spaghetti? You remember that weekend we spent at Wufei's place? That Trowa made spaghetti? It was quick and painless. And it keeps really well, I had an extra bowl a couple of hours later while we were watching movies."
"Oh yeah! Great idea. Heero you're a GOD! I knew you could help me, that's a killer plan. All I need is noodles, sauce, and I can get some of that frozen garlic bread. Oh wait, but he made that with meat sauce, what if somebody doesn't eat meat? And what if I screw up the sauce, I've never made it before and you KNOW I'm not the best cook on the planet. Dude, and plain pasta sucks ass."
"Not a problem. You cheat."
"Cheat?"
"Mm-hmm. Trowa told me there's tons of really good bottled stuff, just buy a couple of bottles. You could even buy some of the white one, too, in case somebody doesn't like tomato sauce. He said the good ones are a little more expensive, but it shouldn't be too bad."
"You know. that's actually a really great idea. And I could cook up some mushrooms in case somebody wants to add it to their sauce." Hey this just might work! "Saved my ass again buddy. I owe you one!"
"No problem, glad I could help."
"Thanks man! Really!"
"Don't sweat it, just let me know how it turns out, OK?"
"Yeah sure. Hey, we're still on for Friday night, right?"
"Yeah I'll be there. See you then, Duo."
"Yeah, see ya' Heero. 'Night."
We both disconnect at the same time. You know, I could have saved myself a hell of a lot of stress if I'd thought to call him earlier. I don't know why, for as much as he's organized and smart and resourceful, I just never think of him first when I'm faced with one of these 'normal life' problems.
Matter of fact, I usually only go to him about this kind of stuff as a last resort. Oh well, maybe one day I'll learn. Despite his belief to the contrary, it seems the former Perfect Soldier is really starting to turn into the Perfect Normal Guy. I guess there's hope for us yet.
Not bothering to suppress the goofy grin that comes with that thought and mission parameters in place, I grab my keys and head for the door. I've got the perfect dinner-party mission plan to implement.
Owari
(:./bm/snapshots1)
