Gah! It's the third part of the Waltz Arc. Woo! SSP: Check out the other parts at GW Addiction. This is for all those people that just kept insisting Heero wasn't dead. Enjoy ;)
Title: Not Half What I Wish I Was (3rd in the Waltz Arc)
Author: Sparcck
Posted: 5 Jan 2001
Rating: PG
Archive: Please! Just drop me a line and let me know where it's going.
Genre: Angst, shonen ai, yaoi [1x2, 3+4, 2+H]
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, some sap. What more could you want?
Spoilers: Endless Waltz mostly, but probably a bunch of episodes, too. Pretty much the entire Gundam Wing universe.
Summary: Heero ponders his rash actions in the final battle of Endless Waltz, and tries to put together the pieces of his life, with or without Duo. (Comes directly after Waltz #1 and Tomorrow, Tomorrow)
Disclaimer: Do I own them? Of course not. Will you sue me? I hope not. All characters, names, places, etc. belong to Bandai, Sunrise, and Sotsu Agency. I'm not making any money off of them, please don't sue me, and so on.
Waltz #1, Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Pitseleh, and any other song I might bite off of Elliott Smith quite obviously doesn't belong to me. They're his, they're all his, and aren't they wonderful?
Note: Eep! It's unbetaed! What am I doing? I just don't want to foist anymore of my crap off on other people who have their own stuff to worry about. Consequently, if you notice anything (bad grammar, OOC-ness, it's terrible, etc.) please let me know.
Feedback: All comments, criticisms, flames, marriage proposals, and death threats should be sent, with care, to sparcck
*this be italics*
/this be thoughts/
~/this be flashback thoughts/~
The first time I saw you
I knew it would never last
I'm not half what I wish I was.
I'm so angry I don't think it'll ever pass,
and I was bad news for you just because
I never meant to hurt you.-"Pitseleh", Elliott Smith
AC 198
I really thought I was doing the right thing when I left. I knew he had been prepared for my death, and I thought that would have been the best end for both of us. For him.
I push back the curtains and lean against the thick wooden rail, watching Relena with a close eye. No one's made any attempt on her life, I just like to make sure it stays that way.
I will never go back to war. I will never lose myself the way I did then ever again. I will never look into a face so radiant with love that I can't believe it's mine to hold...
He's so much better than I am. Always was. I knew that, had to know it.
I know he's brasher than I am. He's more impulsive than I am. He takes more joy in the battle than I do.
But he's still better than me.
He's warm where I'm cold. He's passionate where I'm reserved. He loves life in a way that I could never understand.
Until the first night I sat and watched him sleep. The first night I reached towards him and brushed his hair behind his ear, my heart thumping off-kilter as the silky strands moved through my fingers. The first night sleepy violet eyes opened slowly to catch me in the act. The first night his lips formed the shape of my name soundlessly before his eyes drifted closed again.
I felt warm for the first time in years. My body was alive and tingling with something that I couldn't define, didn't understand, and I wondered if this is how people feel when they care for someone else.
I had to avoid him for days after that. I found I couldn't look him in the eye and the one time he touched my shoulder I nearly jumped out of my skin. So avoidance it was. But I worried every time we went into battle, and I took to checking up on him, under the guise of giving orders.
He knew my game before I did, and I loved him for that, for knowing me better than I knew myself, for knowing I was human, not a machine, like I had been trained to be.
So how could I stay? How could I subject someone who deserved everything to a man who could give him nothing?
He annoyed me to no end, he was close to impossible to live with, he was loud and rude and made horrible jokes.
I loved him so much it was a physical pain to look at him.
But I did leave him. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There was a moment when I almost didn't go, when I saw a look on his face that told me that we could make it, that this battle didn't have to be the end.
I think about that moment a lot now, and I wish I could do it all over again. But then I remember how he needs normalcy, and I remember the sight of an older Duo twisted around sheets and another body, sleeping peacefully in his new life.
Pain lances through my gut.
I can't think about that now.
I'd rather remember that battle, that moment; rather torture myself with regrets.
It was something I never did - regret. It was a waste of time.
Add it to the long list of things I never did before I met him.
AC 196
I had already fired twice, and Zero was seriously affected now, seeming to wheeze when I entered the code for the cannon to power up again. I felt dizzy, and I let my eyes drift to the thumbnailed picture of Deathscythe Hell in the corner of my HUD.
A buzz signaled an incoming call.
Duo's face flashed onto my screen, and my heart tugged sharply.
I blinked hard, thinking I was hallucinating. "Nani?" I said, dumbly. "Duo..."
Two slender fingers were raised to his head. "Just wanted to say goodbye," he said, his voice scratchy over my damaged commlink. "Well, see you late-"
The sound cut out as my HUD flared with a burst of electricity. A thread of sparks jumped off theboard and wrapped around my fist.
"K'so," I swore through my teeth, and slammed my burnt hand into the display. The sound crackled back to life and his ragged breathing filled my cockpit.
/I love him so much. How am I supposed to do this?/
Training had never prepared me for this, for caring about someone, for wanting to put my own feelings over my duty.
It had never even prepared me for feelings, period.
"Duo..." I said again, because there was nothing else to say, but I had to say something.
Inside, I was already calculating how I could pull this off, how I could survive this, save the world and save us at the same time. Not just him, but both of us. /Say something to him/, my mind was screaming. /What's wrong with you? Speak, damn you!/
A shrill beeping started, and I found myself, by force of habit, saying, "Locked on target." But I couldn't look away from him.
/What kind of a soldier are you?/ I continued. /Why is this such a difficult thing to do? One little decision, two small words, just say them, say anything!/
His hand moved sluggishly, like through water, and brushed the screen, the pads of his fingers pressing slightly, tattooing his fingerprints onto the sensitive glass. A smile curved his lips and my chest constricted. I couldn't speak, couldn't move.
And that's when I knew I had to leave him. Seeing the naked emotion in his eyes, knowing I could never possibly reciprocate the depth of communication there, I knew I would slowly kill him if I stayed.
Someone so full of life didn't need something half-dead attached to his hip, dragging him down. Someday, Duo would realize this was for the best; I hoped I wouldn't live long enough to come to the same conclusion.
The fact that I ever got to hold him at all would have to be enough.
The target lock was rising in pitch now and I knew this was the moment. I closed my eyes, thinking it would be better if I couldn't see him to say goodbye. "Duo."
/Is that all you can say?/
~/"Do you ever get scared?"/~
/Oh, God, Duo, I get scared. I'm so scared right now. How do I leave? How can I leave you?/
"Wakatta."
My eyes snapped open at the sound of the word from his mouth. I never knew how to tell him, but when he spoke my native language, it melted my insides and shot an odd pang right through me, right to my center.
"Daijoubu," he said now, and I had to smile. He knew just what to say to make it better.
My mind shut down before I could change it.
"Yes," I said. "It is."
There was a loud pop, and the screen went dead.
/Itoshi./
It hurt, dying, just as much as it had the first time I tried it, and when the sky exploded around me, I felt Death wrap his arms around me, slender and strong, just like the boy I loved.
I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave him.
Maybe that's why I lived.
End Part 4
Much more where that came from, but I'm not sure the rest can see the light of day yet. Please send all comments and whatnot to sparcck
(:./sparcck/waltz4)
