Title: Embracing The Darkness - 5/6
Author: tkmaxwell777 & Iniquity
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2, 3x4x3 & 1x2x1 mentioned
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: We wished we owned them, but we don't. Please don't sue us - we make no money from this, so we have no money for you to take :) The song lyrics are from a song Iniquity knows... I don't have the title... but I know we don't own it either!
Warnings: Angst, Language
Archived: Yep! Thanks Lev :)
Heero looked at the other boy standing a few feet away from him; he would have known him anywhere. Even before Trowa, turned around, Heero recognized him. Their eyes met, surprise evident in the other boy's green ones, before he began walking over to Heero. Heero hadn't been looking forward to seeing Trowa ever since Quatre had visited him; he was expecting Trowa to give him a good tongue-lashing as well.
"Heero."
"Trowa."
"Haven't seen you around. How have you been?"
The question would have been innocuous had it not been for the fact that Heero knew Trowa so well. Heero felt the anger well up inside him. "How's Duo and Wufei? They seemed happy together when I saw them."
The shock on Trowa's face made Heero even angrier, but Trowa regained his composure quickly. "They're fine. Wufei has been teaching Duo Tai Chi. It's been good for Duo."
Heero frowned. He could only guess what other things Wufei was teaching his former lover. Jealousy filled him, and Heero's words sounded bitter even to himself. "Glad he's gotten over me so easily."
Trowa's eyes narrowed. "There was nothing easy about it, Heero. He damn near killed himself, smoking, and not eating. If it hadn't been for Quatre, Wufei, and I, he probably wouldn't be alive right now. You almost destroyed him."
"I'm not responsible for his actions, Trowa. He did it to himself," Heero replied gruffly. "I hope Wufei has a lot of patience. It's not easy dealing with him." Heero didn't expect it when Trowa grabbed his arm and led him to an isolated section of the shopping mall. The grip he had on Heero was enough to let the former Wing pilot know that the other boy was angry.
"You listen to me, Yuy," Trowa began calmly, in spite of his obvious upset. "Duo is an incredible person. I don't know what the hell has happened to make you think otherwise, but you're the one with the problem, not Duo. Duo is more alive than any of us. You told him that you couldn't live with Death, but the truth is, you can't live with Life. It scares you to think that you could be happy, that you somehow deserve to be happy. You've deluded yourself so you don't have to deal with your own fears. Duo was adjusting to life after war just fine. It was you that couldn't let the soldier go. It was you that kept having nightmares. It was you that left him!"
Heero flinched at Trowa's words. There was a part of him that couldn't deal with them, and a part of him that accepted them all too easily. The part that denied told Heero that he shouldn't stand and argue over something that he couldn't change. It was better to just leave before he said something he'd regret. Trowa and Quatre would get over being angry with him sooner or later. They were all friends, and something like this just took time to adjust to. This was the only thing for him to do. They would see this, and everything would be all right. He just needed to be patient. That part that heard and understood yelled at Heero to quit ignoring the truth, but Heero dismissed it. He needed to get home.
"Nice seeing you, Trowa," he said quickly. "Tell Quatre hello for me. And if you see Duo, tell him I'm happy for him." With that he pushed past the other boy, leaving Trowa to gaze after him helplessly.
Quatre looked at himself in the mirror. "Not too shabby, Winner," he commented as he winked at his reflection. The tight blue jeans looked good with the short-sleeved turquoise button-up shirt he was wearing. He was sure it would be acceptable. He had a gold chain with a moon charm on it; Duo always liked for him to wear it.
They were going out with Duo tonight. Trowa had gone to the mall to get some new pants. He'd been gone for a while, but Quatre knew how particular his lover could be when it came to clothes. It was something of a joke between them now. Trowa used to have no fashion sense at all, but being around Duo had changed him dramatically in that regard. Quatre's smile faded a little. He was still worried about his pony-tailed friend. He knew Duo needed to get out, but he couldn't help but feel like Duo was going to be disappointed with the outcome. No matter what, no one else could be Heero. Of course, there was another reason why the blonde wasn't really looking forward to going out for the evening; Quatre pushed it away. He had to do this for Duo.
The sound of the door brought Quatre out of his thoughts. He turned to see Trowa enter the bedroom, bag in hand. He smiled slightly. "Did you find what you were looking for?"
Trowa walked over to him and put his arms around his waist. "Yes. And I saw Heero."
The smile on the blonde's face disappeared completely. "Heero?"
"He told me to tell you hello," Trowa said, his voice tight with emotion. "He asked me how Duo and Wufei were. Apparently, he thinks they're together."
"What? Did you tell him the truth?"
"I told him Wufei was teaching Duo Tai Chi, but I didn't elaborate. It might actually do Heero some good to think Duo could live without him."
Quatre eyes widened. "Trowa, that's not right, and you know it! You should have told him that they weren't together. Letting him keep on assuming they are is almost as bad as telling him they are. It's like lying."
Trowa frowned. "Oh, so now you're saying I'm a liar?"
Quatre tensed. Ever since that damn sock incident, they had been on edge around each other. It was time to stop this before it really got out of hand. He pulled away from Trowa to walk to the other side of the room, turning so he wasn't facing the other boy as tried to find the right words. "No. I'm saying that's how I see it. You have your own opinions and beliefs, and how you see things is different than how I do sometimes. I just know that if I did something like that, I would feel like I was lying. That's all."
Trowa was silent for a moment before he walked over to where Quatre was standing and put his arms around the blonde. "I'm sorry. You're right. It just made me so angry how Heero was acting. I told him exactly how I felt about the situation too, that he was the one with the problem, that Duo almost killed himself because of what he did, and how he was the one who left Duo. I don't know if it got through to him or not, but he left in a hurry, and he didn't seem too happy. I didn't mean to lie, but he needs to realize what he's doing, Quatre." Trowa's voice lowered to almost a whisper. "Why can't you seem to understand me anymore? You of all people should know I would never intentionally do something to hurt someone."
Quatre sighed and turned within his lover's embrace. "Trowa, we need to talk." His aqua eyes searched the other boy's green ones for a moment before he continued. "Things are not right between us, and I don't know what to do about it."
Trowa pulled away slightly. "What do you mean?"
"Why did you tell Wufei about the socks like it was a joke?"
Trowa pulled completely away. "What are you talking about?"
"Duo made a comment the other day about me making you sleep on the couch. When he saw how upset it made me, he explained that Wufei had acted like it was a joke when you told him about it. Why did you even tell Wufei? And why did you make it seem like something funny when it was something so hurtful to both of us?"
Trowa closed his eyes, trying to find a way to explain. "We were discussing Heero and Duo, and I made a remark about wondering how they had dealt with disagreements. Before I knew it, we were talking about how little things can be blown into such great big fights. Before I knew it, I'd blurted out about the socks. I guess I made light of it so he wouldn't take it too seriously. I didn't purposefully mean to tell him, Quatre. I didn't tell you about it because I never thought it would ever come up again. I'm sorry." Trowa opened his eyes and locked gazes with the other boy to show he meant it.
Quatre looked at his lover. "When I get upset with you, but it doesn't mean that I don't love you, Trowa. That night, even though I was angry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never place a bunch of damn socks above my love for you. I was angry because..." Quatre took a deep breath, trying to let the truth finally come out, "because I thought you were getting even with me."
"What?" Trowa asked incredulously.
"I know how I can get sometimes," Quatre explained. "I want things a certain way when it comes to certain things, and I know how that annoys the hell out of you. When you mismatched my socks, I felt like it was a direct statement about how you felt about me, kind of like 'Fuck you, Quatre. Let's see how you like this'. Ever since we've known each other, you've always treated me like I was everything to you. It hurt to think that there was something about me that you didn't like."
Trowa was stunned. He'd never thought the blonde could have taken his prank so seriously. He closed the distance between them, pulling the other boy into his arms. "Oh, love, I'm so sorry. I never meant it like that at all. Even if something about you did annoy me, I would never do something like that to hurt you. You should know that I would talk to you about it if it really bothered me."
Quatre returned the embrace fiercely. "I know. I'm sorry. I just couldn't help but feel that way. I'd had such a bad day at work, and it just sent me over the edge. I reacted out of hurt and ended up hurting you more than you did me. I shouldn't have done what I did, Trowa, and it's still eating me up inside because you slept on the couch all that week. I don't know how to make you believe me again when I tell you that I love you."
Trowa released his lover and placed both of his hands on the other boy's face, tilting it so he could look right into those pain-filled aqua blue depths. "It hurt me because I didn't understand why you were so upset. I kept trying to think of reasons why it could have made you so angry when it had been done all in fun. It made me afraid to be myself around you, Quatre. Those nights on the couch were spent trying to find a way to be a different person so you wouldn't get upset with me like that again."
"I don't want a different person, Trowa. I just want you!"
Quatre raised himself up onto his tiptoes and pressed his lips softly against Trowa's, letting his mouth move against the other boy's in an apology that went beyond words. Trowa wrapped his arms around his lover and held him closer, deepening the kiss. They stood there, lost in each other, kissing away the hurt that had come between them. Finally they parted, both feeling happier than either one had been in the past couple of weeks.
"I'm sorry, Trowa. Please don't change. I love you. I don't want someone who agrees with me on everything or likes exactly the same things I do, or thinks just like me... that's boring." He smiled sweetly.
Trowa laughed. "And I don't want someone who compromises his beliefs just because I don't see things the same way either. The things that might annoy me sometimes are the very things that I love about you, Quatre. They are what make you yourself, and I wouldn't change that for anything." He kissed his blonde lover again. "And I promise to never be subtle when something does bother me. I'll tell you point blank. Okay?"
"Okay," the blonde replied, feeling more at ease with them going out with Duo now that they had resolve their problem. He would be able to focus on his friend instead of fretting over his lover. "And I promise to never take your jokes or pranks seriously, no matter what."
"Good," Trowa said as he nuzzled his neck. "I love to tease you, and it's been killing me not being able to!"
Quatre chuckled, tilting his head so Trowa could place little kisses from his neck to his jawline. "I've missed it too." He thought about what they had just promised each other and realized he hadn't told Trowa what Duo had about his and Heero's pact. He wondered if Heero had noticed what Duo had done when he saw him. "Trowa, did Heero mention Duo's hair at all?"
Trowa shook his head. "No, just that he was glad Duo had gotten over him so easily. It made me so angry, Quatre. I told him that there had been nothing easy about it."
Quatre frowned. "Did he sound jealous?"
Trowa thought for a moment. "You know, now that I think about it, he did. A little angry too, if I was reading him right."
Quatre smiled again, beginning to wonder if Heero was reaching a breaking point. "I think I need to tell you something. If I'm right, Heero may be closer to realizing his love for Duo than we think."
Wufei answered the vid-phone, surprised at the familiar face. "Yuy... how have you been?"
"Do you love him, Chang?"
There was a deadly calm in that voice that Wufei heard immediately. He knew whom Heero was speaking of, but part of him was so upset with the boy on the screen, he decided to make the Japanese pilot explain.
"Who?"
He saw the anger flash across Heero's face. "You know who. Don't play games with me, Wufei."
Wufei snorted. "I can do whatever I want, Heero. I'm not the one who threw away the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Answer me, damn it!" Heero growled, his prized control slipping.
"Why? Would you fight me for him? Would you try to reclaim what you almost destroyed by your carelessness?"
There was an edge in Wufei's voice, and Heero didn't miss it. Wufei wondered if Heero would fight him if he thought he could get Duo back. If Heero would, there was still hope.
Heero seemed to deflate a little. "I just want him to be happy. If loving you does that, then no, I wouldn't fight you. But I have to know that you really love him too."
Wufei heard the truth in those words. "What about your happiness, Heero? Why do you always have to ignore your own needs? If you want Duo, you need to tell him. Denying yourself because you're afraid you're not worthy of him is less honorable than admitting you need him."
"What are you talking about, Wufei?"
"I'm saying that you need to be honest with yourself and quit running away from the truth, Heero. I've never seen you run from anything, and this is getting out of hand. If you could only admit to yourself what you know to be true, you could end all of this foolishness and get Duo back."
"If you really loved Duo, you wouldn't give him up so easily," Heero admonished, his eyes taking on a hard glint.
"I love him, but not like that," Wufei snapped, his voice filled with irritation. First Maxwell, now Yuy. Why did everyone seem to think he couldn't find his own lover if he wanted one? "He still loves you, though why I don't know. We're nothing more than friends, and that's all we'll ever be. I swear it on my honor."
There was a mixture of relief and confusion on Heero's face. Wufei knew that the Japanese boy would not take those words lightly. He wasn't disappointed. "I'm sorry, Wufei. When I saw you in the cafe, I just assumed..."
"Yes, and we all know what assuming does... it makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'," Wufei replied with a smirk. "Quit being one and go apologize to him. He's been through a lot since you left, but I know he'll forgive you if you ask him."
Heero looked sadly at the Chinese boy. "I don't know if I can. It's not that I don't want him, it's just... Wufei, I don't know how to care for him the way he does for me. I can't even say the words, yet he's told me time and time again that he loves me. How can I expect that from him when I can't give it myself?"
Wufei sighed in frustration. "Heero, only you can decide how deep your feelings are. We all thought you loved Duo from how you acted around him, but we can't see into your heart. That's a place where only you can go and see the truth. All I'm trying to tell you is that Duo Maxwell loves you with all that he is and all he will ever be." Wufei hesitated then added regretfully, "but he deserves as much from you. If you can't give that to him then maybe you should let him go. Only you can make that choice."
Heero nodded, the conflict showing on his face. "Understood." With that final word he disconnected the call.
Wufei sat staring at the blank screen long after. He just hoped Heero would find within himself what he knew was there already. If not, Heero would never be happy, and Duo would never know the real reason why Heero left him. The Chinese boy sighed heavily as he decided to go have a nice hot cup of Turkish coffee. Pulling on his jacket, he headed for the cafe that had become a second home to him.
Heero sat in his apartment alone. His conversation with Wufei had left him even more confused. He thought about how Duo had looked when he'd seen him at the cafe, and the vision of the ponytail in place of the braid tore at his heart even more than it had then. How could he have done it? He'd really cut it. A voice inside Heero's head taunted him, 'He cut it because you left him. That was the pact.'
Heero slumped further into the cushions of the couch and turned on the stereo using the remote. The radio was set to a station he and Duo used to listen to together. The room was filled with the incredibly heavy sound of a very old Earth song that was familiar to him.
//Breathe, breathe in the air//
//Don't be afraid to care//
The longing voice of the singer made Heero shift uncomfortably, and without really wanting to, he started listening to the lyrics. He knew that Duo loved this song, but he had never bothered to understand why. There were a lot of things he had not bothered to understand about the other boy. Why?
//Leave but don't leave me//
//Look around and choose your own ground//
He could hear the pleading in the words... words so similar to the ones that Duo had spoken to him the day Heero had left. Heero felt the tears come to his eyes, and he let them fall silently as the song continued, making him look inside that place that Wufei had told him only he could find the truth in. It was painful to look. He had hidden the scars even from himself, and seeing them again only reminded him of what a mess he really was. How could Duo truly love him when there was so much of him that should be hated? He couldn't love those parts of himself, so how could Duo accept them so easily? He didn't understand... but he had a feeling he would if he would just keep looking. The battered parts of his soul came to light as he searched them out; forcing himself to face them, to look for something that would explain why Duo could see something he wanted to embrace. Heero thought about Duo's scars, the ones the braided pilot tried so hard to hide, and suddenly Heero realized he'd seen past them to what made Duo beautiful inside. Was it possible that Duo had done the same?
//For long you live and high you fly//
//And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry//
Heero tried to remember how it had been with Duo. Those memories had been haunting him ever since Quatre's visit, but there was something more he had been ignoring, and the words of the song as it lingered in the air, made him see what he had been choosing to forget more than anything. He had laughed when he was with Duo; he had cried too. Emotions had become a part of his life because of the other boy, and wasn't that what had been so frightening? Yet, that was life, wasn't it? Smiles and tears, joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain; it all worked together so you never took for granted the gifts you were given in your life. Love... love was all that mattered. In the end, if you didn't love, life was empty, and maybe that was what scared Heero the most.
//And all you touch and all you see//
//Is all your life will ever be//
He had been running from himself. When he'd walked away, he had told himself that it was because of Duo, but Trowa was right; Heero had been the one with the problem. And he had left Duo because of it. Heero felt his heart break as he accepted the truth, and he understood for the first time why he had been so afraid. If he never allowed himself to feel those emotions, he would never have to be hurt. If he never told Duo he loved him, he would never have to fear rejection. If he left, Duo couldn't leave him. Even though Duo had told him everyday that he loved him, Heero had never truly believed him... not until he'd seen Duo's hair. They had made that pact to prove to each other how they felt, but Heero still hadn't believed Duo, didn't believe the other boy would do it. Now he did, and he knew what he had to do to prove to Duo that he loved him just as much.
Heero stood, his heart and mind determined. It was late, but this wouldn't wait until morning. He had wasted too much time already by being so damned blind. Grabbing his laptop from the other room, he made his way out the door... to embrace the darkness within himself so he might find the light in the boy he loved.
End Part 5
(:./tk/embracing5)
