Title: No Reason -- 1/3 -- Living Free Series -- Fic 3
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2 friendship
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, Language
Archived: Yep! Thanks Lev :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. I don't own the songs 'My Sacrifice' or 'Hide' either. This is the third fic in a series inspired by the song 'My Sacrifice' by Creed, which will appear in part throughout the rest of the series. //lyrics// = the song actually playing in the background.
//Hello, my friend, we meet again
It's been a while where should be begin
Feels like forever//
Duo woke to the familiar song and the soothing feel of a hand stroking his bare back. He didn't remember having a companion in his room with him last night, so he was a little confused by the warm body sharing his bed, even though it was more than welcomed. He moved slightly, groaning loudly in pain when he discovered the reason for his patchy memory. Oh yes, the little bottles of fleeting bliss. Well, that would explain a few things -- his head felt like it was about to explode. "Easy," came a quiet voice from beside him, and Duo recognized it immediately. He pulled away enough to gaze groggily into tired blue eyes.
"What the hell are you doing here? You're not supposed to be out of the hospital yet," he started, and then winced at not only the volume of his voice, but also the tone in it as well. Snippets of the previous (night? morning?) hours came back to him, and he knew Heero didn't deserve to be snapped at like that.
Heero took it in stride though, giving Duo a pointed look. "A friend needed me, even if he's too much of a baka to admit it now that he's sober," he answered softly. "Besides, I didn't want to be there anymore. I was going to be released today anyway."
Duo sighed in frustration, trying to keep his voice down as he spoke again. "But, Heero, we're not in the middle of a war anymore. You can't just waltz out of a hospital like..."
"I left. End of discussion," Heero growled lowly, letting Duo know he had no intention of talking about it anymore. His tone then softened. "How are you feeling?"
Duo wanted to argue with him, but the way Heero was glaring at him convinced him to drop it. He laid his head back down on Heero's chest. "Better, although I have a new rule - Never stay in hotel suites with lots of in-room alcohol. Quatre's gonna kill me when he sees the bill."
Heero grunted. "No, Quatre will be upset when he finds out that you've been using liquor as a sedative," he stated evenly. "He doesn't give a damn about the money. He cares about you."
Duo closed his eyes, knowing Heero was telling the truth. "I know. It's just been... a rough few days."
"That's no excuse for it and you know it," came the cool reprimand.
"Yeah, maybe," Duo replied sulkily. He then realized for the first time that he was practically wrapped around the other boy. Their legs were entwined, Duo's arms were wound around Heero's waist, and their bodies were pressed tightly together. Duo flushed deeply at his current position and would have moved if he hadn't feared that his head would protest and cause his stomach to turn inside out again.
"No maybe about it. You shouldn't have let yourself get like that, Duo. You could have hurt yourself," Heero said, trying to let the longhaired boy know that he was aware of the situation. Duo either didn't understand or didn't want to understand because he ignored the underlying meaning in Heero's words.
"Sorry that you had to look after me," Duo apologized then asked, "When did you get here anyway?"
Heero sighed in exasperation at the lack of reaction to his subtlety before answering the question. "Early morning. You were passed out cold when I arrived. You woke a few hours later to get rid of that garbage you swilled down, cried until you were too exhausted to move, and then fell back to sleep."
Duo moaned, partly from moving his head, but more from embarrassment by Heero's matter-of-fact way of summarizing his disgraceful conduct. "Shit. I really am sorry, Heero. I didn't mean to get like that."
Heero snorted. "It was an accident?"
Duo shifted until his legs were free, a little annoyed at Heero... and himself. "Well, no, but I was just supposed to sleep it off, not be a pain in the ass to you."
"Mission failed," Heero intoned flatly, surprising a bark of laughter from Duo that ended in another groan.
"Damn. Gotta remember the headache. And when did you develop a sense of humor, bastard-san?" the longhaired boy asked, trying to make a joke -- trying to get back into a groove his brain understood.
"Sarcasm seems to be a more effective way to hide than glaring, so I decided to give it a try," Heero explained, his tone letting Duo know that he wasn't fooled by the other boy's attempt at humor.
Duo flinched at the insight of those words. "Well, it's always worked for me," he grumbled as he slowly rolled onto his back, wincing at the movement. He knew Heero had to be tired of his body being plastered all over him. Duo then focused his attention on the ceiling. "So... what next?"
"Breakfast?" Heero asked while feeling strangely bereft at the sudden lack of warmth.
Duo grimaced thinking about food. "Um... coffee. Definitely coffee. And burnt toast. The blacker the better for both," he answered, still trying to keep his stomach from talking him into another round of toilet worship. He so did not want to do that with a splitting headache.
"Sounds like you have a little experience in this," Heero remarked, as he forced himself to get out of bed. He was unable to keep the rebuke out of his voice.
"Yeah, well, like I said, it's been a rough few days," Duo replied defensively, avoided the subject.
Heero stood there for a moment, waiting for Duo to elaborate. When the other boy just remained silent, Heero got angry. He had been thinking about that knife all morning, and he couldn't help how upset it made him to even imagine that Duo could have... Heero's dark blue eyes turned hard as he spoke.
"Death by mini-bar is too stupid a way for you to die," he grated out, "but death by slitting your wrists in a fit of drunken depression when you have everything to live for is just damn cowardly." Startled violet eyes flew to meet his and Heero continued, "You should at least think about how we would feel if we lost you. We may not show it all the time, Duo, but we do care about you, even if you don't give a damn about us or yourself." With that, Heero turned and stalked out, slamming the door.
Duo just stared after Heero in shock. Shit. Heero had seen the knife. The American looked over at the bedside table, but the silver blade wasn't anywhere in sight. He felt a shiver go through him as he thought about how it must have looked. He imagined Heero walking into the hotel room, finding him unconscious on the bed, seeing the bottles strewn around, and then spying the knife lying out in the open. No wonder Heero was upset. Hell, he would have been too if he'd found Heero or one of the others like that.
Duo sat up and dropped his head into his hands. What was he going to do? He'd settled into this cycle of depression and he just didn't know how to pull himself out. He'd promised himself yesterday to get his act together for when Heero was released from the hospital so he could be there for the other boy. That had become his mission of sorts and had helped him to keep the dark thoughts at bay during the day, but then night had fallen on him like the weight of the world. He'd given into the lure of forgetting everything in the bottom of a bottle -- well, several bottles, actually -- trying to find a way to sleep. At the time, it seemed to make him feel better, or at least not so panicked, but Duo knew that it really only made his emotions more extreme and his moods erratic. He had to stop this... before he did something really stupid. The song playing in the background suddenly caught his attention, the low voice seeming to sing straight to him.
//To what do I owe this gift my friend?
My life, my love, my soul?
I've been dancing with the devil way too long
And it's making me grow old
Making me grow old -- yeah
Let's leave... oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide -- yeah
Let's leave... oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left hide//
Duo closed his eyes; he needed to pull himself together so he could help Heero. Once the other boy was settled then Duo could worry about himself. He couldn't fall apart now. He'd made a promise to be there for Heero and come hell or high water that was what he was going to do. His mind and heart made up, Duo rolled out of bed with another groan to head for the bathroom. Maybe a shower would help.
//No reason to hide//
Heero closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he leaned against the closed bedroom door behind him. That had not been pleasant. He was shaking all over from it and a voice in his head was calling him every kind of baka for bringing that subject up before even having breakfast. He gently rested his head against the wood, allowing himself a moment to regain control of his emotions. He had every right to be angry at Duo, but he also had to keep in mind that the other boy needed to trust him so they could get through this mess; going off on the American wasn't going to help either one of them. The music and sounds from the other room were muted, but he heard the bathroom door close and reasoned that Duo was going to get himself cleaned up before they ate. Heero just stood there for a moment longer, still listening.
//Whatcha gonna do with your gift dear child?
Give life, give love, give soul?
Divided is the one who dances
For the soul is so exposed
So exposed//
Heero swallowed hard. He did feel exposed and it wasn't fair that Duo was able to hide so well. He knew he'd been right when he'd made his comment about sarcasm; Duo used it the same way he did indifference. Heero had to find a way to get the other boy to face his feelings instead of running from them. He snorted at the irony of that thought. Anyone who knew them would be shocked that Duo was the one repressing his emotions, and even more so that Heero was the one who understood what Duo was doing. It was a rather unexpected twist of events, but Heero wasn't as emotionless as many assumed. Just because he had focused on his missions didn't mean that he hadn't felt all of the grief, anger, pain, and fear that the others had. He'd hurt. He'd bled. He'd even cried. He was human, even if no one else thought so.
Even if he didn't think so sometimes.
Heero sighed heavily and walked over to the phone to call room service. After ordering a variety of hot breakfast foods, including Duo's coffee and toast, he sat down by the window that opened onto the balcony, staring out at the stormy gray sky. He knew exactly how Duo felt; despite his seemingly calm demeanor, Heero was just as lost as Duo was. He didn't have anywhere to go, didn't have anyone to go home to, didn't have anything to call his own. He understood all to well the temptation of that knife. Knew the seduction of oblivion that the bottle promised. He really wasn't any stronger than Duo when it came to sheer will. The only reason why he wasn't giving into his own dark thoughts was a dream newly born inside him, the possibility of finding a place where he did belong.
He wanted to see that dream come true and nothing else held the same allure.
Heero closed his eyes, seeing the ocean once more in his memory. He could see himself sitting on the deck of a beach house, a pair of worn jean cutoffs and a ragged tee shirt gracing his relaxed form. The evening sky would be painted the most radiant colors as the sunset slipped beyond the horizon. He would be able to smell the salt water, feel the teasing spray carried by the breeze as it cooled his skin. His mind then added a familiar male form running towards him from the sand. Violet eyes would be flashing with mischief and bright laughter would be ringing out over the sound of the waves. It made Heero feel content and dejected at the same time. It was only his imagination, not a reality, and he didn't know if it were possible to change that. Would Duo want to go with him? Could Duo ever find happiness being with him in a place like that?
//Let's leave... oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide -- yeah
Let's leave... oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left hide//
Heero wanted what those words, muffled by the bedroom door, described. He wanted to leave, to find a place where they could be the best friends they were meant to be. Where they could forget their pasts and live together so neither one of them would be alone. Duo obviously wasn't happy on L2, so maybe he would want to go. Was it too much to ask? Too much to hope for? He didn't know, but he wanted to believe it was possible, even for someone like him.
"Heero? Are you okay?"
Heero jerked his head around to see Duo standing in the door, wet hair laid out on a towel that was draped over the longhaired boy's shoulders, black jeans clinging to him from where his skin had still been damp when he'd put them back on. It was a sight Heero was familiar with, and he was warmed by the knowledge that he could be there to keep Duo from throwing away the dreams the other boy didn't even know he still had. Even if Duo didn't want to share Heero's dream, maybe Duo could find one of his own somehow.
"No, but I think I could be," Heero replied, making Duo's eyes widen in shock at the honesty of his words. Then the Japanese boy got up and headed for a quick shower before their food arrived.
//No reason to hide//
Duo took another sip of his coffee, giving his breakfast companion a wary glance. He had been thinking about Heero's odd comment ever since the other boy had gone to shower. He'd waited for Heero to say more when he'd come back into the sitting room, but then room service had knocked, and the next few minutes had been spent letting them in. Now they were eating -- well, Heero was eating, Duo was still nauseous -- and they hadn't spoken another word to each other. Duo didn't like the tension that was between them and knew it was up to him to take the next step to make amends.
"Heero... I'm... I'm sorry," he began, looking down at his empty plate. "I never meant to..."
"You have people who care about you. How could you forget that?"
Duo looked up, seeing the disappointment he knew would be in those blue eyes. "I didn't. I just couldn't..." he swallowed, wanting to be talking about anything but this. He didn't even know how to explain. He finally just closed his eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Heero."
Heero didn't know what to say to that. The Japanese boy had never been the most compassionate of the group, but he knew he needed to do something, so he got up and walked around the table, laying his hand on the other boy's shoulder. "I'm just as... lost as you are, Duo," he said hesitantly to Duo's bent head. "You're not alone. I'm sorry that you felt like you were."
"I'm not going back to the yard," Duo blurted out, not knowing why that mattered, but needing to tell someone. "I just couldn't and I don't why." He looked up at his friend, his eyes begging for Heero to understand somehow. "Why the hell can't I be happy, Heero? I've tried. God knows I've tried, but I just can't seem to..."
"Find peace?"
"Yeah," Duo breathed, stunned that Heero really did understand what he was feeling. "I'm just..."
"Wandering?" Heero offered, feeling the reality of it for himself. When Duo nodded, Heero continued, "I feel the same way. I was awake most of the early morning, listening to your music, mulling over all of this. I'm... afraid too. Just as much as you are. Maybe even more so. After the first war, I drifted from place to place, never finding anything to fill the emptiness inside. I can't do that again. I... don't want to." He fell silent then, not knowing how to go on. He reached over and put two pieces of burnt toast on Duo's plate before returning to sit in his own chair.
Duo sensed his friend's frustration and felt on even ground for the first time since waking that morning. "What did you mean earlier? When you said you weren't okay but you could be?"
Heero took a bite of his croissant before answering, trying to find a way to explain. "I... I want to go to the ocean. I want to spend time walking on the shore and watching the water without worrying about someone telling me I can't..." Heero felt himself flush, halting his own words. He didn't really know what to say. When he looked up, Heero saw the shock on Duo's face and looked away, wanting to just disappear. Then the image of that knife filled his mind again, and he forced himself to continue despite his embarrassment. "I want to see the sunrise every morning and the sunset every evening. I want to know what it feels like to let the breeze ruffle my hair, and the water lap at my feet, and the sand warm my skin. I want... to live, Duo... to really live and enjoy my life. I'm so tired of just existing."
Duo felt his heart lurch in his chest, the longing for those same things so strong that it damn near broke him. How many times had he dreamed about doing that? He swallowed the lump in his throat as he fought to keep control of the raw emotions Heero was pulling from him. "To live..." was all he could manage.
Heero saw an answering hunger reflected in violet eyes. "Divided is the one who dances, for the soul is so exposed," he whispered. He watched as Duo recognized the words, the other boy's expression becoming unguarded for that brief moment when he realized that Heero was being completely open with his feelings for probably the first time since they'd become friends. Heero paused then decided to take a chance. "Duo, will you... go with me?" he asked, afraid and excited at the same time.
Duo couldn't have been more surprised. "You really want me to?"
Heero nodded. "Since you're not going back to L2, you need somewhere to stay. We could find a house on the beach and just try to figure out what we want. At least we wouldn't have to be alone. Do you think you'd want to go with me?"
Duo closed his eyes for a moment. He'd loved the ocean ever since he'd first come to Earth. To be able to go back, to spend time there without a war going on, to enjoy it with Heero without missions interrupting, would be like a dream. He looked back at Heero, noticing how those dark blue eyes almost pleaded with him to say 'yes'. He'd never seen the other boy want something so badly before, and his mind went back to how he'd promised to help Heero get adjusted. If Heero wanted to find himself at the ocean, why couldn't he go along? He might even find a little peace for himself on that shore. Taking another drink of his black coffee before biting into a slice of charred toast, Duo swallowed carefully and then smiled.
"When do we leave?"
"We want something on the beach," Duo reminded Heero for the seventh time since they'd begun their search online. Heero sighed, slightly annoyed. During both wars, Duo's comments had driven him to distraction, causing him to lose his temper and tell the other boy to shut up or else more than once. He knew it was just another one of those things that made Duo who he was, but still -- he had his limits.
"Make sure the bedroom windows face the ocean," the braided boy continued as he stripped down to his boxers to sleep in. "It'll make a really nice view."
"I know, Duo. And I need to make sure it has a fireplace, two bathrooms, and a deck." Heero turned from the screen and raised his eyebrow, his voice a little sharp. "Anything else?"
Duo flushed as he sat down on the bed, looking away. "Sorry. I'm just trying to help..."
Heero immediately regretted his words and got up to go over to the other boy, sitting down beside him. He hadn't meant to be so harsh. "It's okay. I'm sorry. I just thought that we would find something sooner, and I'm frustrated." He sighed as Duo nodded, still not meeting his eyes. "This is as much for you as it is for me, Duo, so I need to listen to what you want too instead of trying to decide it all on my own. You can ask for anything, honestly. We might not get it, but we can at least try, ne?"
Duo finally looked at Heero, reassured by the other boy's sincere expression, and smiled. "I really do want that fireplace," he said, "and the bedroom windows just have to face the ocean." Heero snorted, but Duo could see the slight smile on the other boy's lips. He sobered as he realized that Heero had immediately responded to his hurt feelings. Who would have thought his friend could be that caring? "I never did say 'thank you' for... well..." he began but couldn't seem to go on.
Heero laid a hand on the other boy's shoulder. "You don't have to. Isn't that what best friends are for?"
Duo grinned. "Yeah and about damn time you realized it too, though I never thought you'd ever admit it."
Heero shrugged. "You just caught me on a bad day. Some damn American baka kept me awake this morning and I'm too tired to be thinking clearly. It lowers your immunity to sappiness."
Duo laughed. "Yeah, well, some damn Japanese bastard just showed up and took over," he replied, his violet eyes dancing. "I thought I didn't have anywhere to go and he's somehow convinced me to take off with him to the beach. Go figure." He winked at Heero, the Japanese boy shaking his head in response.
"Maybe we should reconsider," Heero suddenly said, making Duo give him a confused and fearful look. "Rent instead of buy the house, baka," Heero clarified, smacking Duo lightly on the arm.
Duo gave him a baleful look, rubbing his abused appendage before admitting, "Yeah, we could."
They both headed back over to Heero's computer. After entering the changed criteria, they found a realtor in the area they were interested in then narrowed the property choices down to three, saving them to their folder until they could call about them the next day. With twin sighs of relief and soft 'goodnights', the two boys got into bed, music playing softly in the background to lull them to sleep.
"No. We don't need a place with that many bedrooms. Three would be sufficient..." Duo closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead in frustration. "Two bathrooms. One-and-a-half would be acceptable, but two is preferable. No, a deck is more important, but if there's no fireplace, then it doesn't matter..."
Heero sat with his back to the headboard, listening to his friend talk with the realtor. They had decided to let the braided boy do the negotiating, something he was really good at under almost any circumstance. After discussing their options with the woman on the other end of the line for almost an hour, Heero could see that even Duo was starting to lose his patience.
"Price isn't an issue, lady. We just want a damn rental house on the beach with three bedrooms, two baths, a fireplace, a deck, and the bedroom windows facing the ocean. How the hell hard could that be to find?"
Heero had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Duo's hair had worked its way out of his braid in some places, wisping around his face irritatingly. The other boy was wearing a red tee shirt and boxers that had smiley faces with their tongues sticking out, and he was currently rolling his eyes at the phone the way Heero usually did at him behind his back. It made quite a humorous picture.
"Of course, we want the option to buy if we like it. What kind of question is that?" Duo blinked at the response on the other end. "Oh. Well, yeah, I can understand that." He then sighed heavily. "No, we don't have any children, it's just the two of us... what? Hey, we're just friends, lady! Well, no, I don't have a problem with that, I'm just... yes, we can both sign the lease." Duo covered the mouthpiece of the phone, giving Heero a long-suffering look. "Can you believe this? Next thing you know she'll be asking if we're planning on turning the place into a bordello or something."
"Well, that does merit some thought," Heero replied, managing to keep the smirk off his face.
Duo tried to glare at him. "Heero, that's not even fun-..." Duo cut off his retort as he redirected his attention back to his phone conversation. "Yeah, I'm still here. You do? Really? Well, yeah! Um... hold on." The braided boy looked back at Heero. "She has something she thinks we'll like. When can we be there?"
Heero smiled slightly as his friend went from aggravated to elated in zero-point-three seconds. "Tell her sometime tomorrow evening. We can get a flight out in the morning."
Duo grinned and turned back to the phone. "How does dinnertime tomorrow sound?"
End Part 3
(:./tk/living3)
