This may eventually become part of my 1x2 timeline. But for now it's just a little experiment into an angsty Heero v. Hilde. Let me know what you think.
Based on the song by Natalie Merchant
DISCLAIMER: All Gundam Wing characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai Visuals, Setsu Agency, and Asahi TV. This work is not written for profit, but for entertainment purposes only.
WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE. Contains a strong (lemon-lime) yaoi scene. Do not read further if you are uncomfortable with male-male romantic and sexual relationships.
Author's Notes: Jealousy takes place in early A.C. 196, after the war portrayed in the GundamWing series is over but before the beginning of Endless Waltz.
Key for punctuation:
"..." - character dialogue
/.../ - song lyrics
/oooh, jealousy
oooh, jealousy/
I've left her. I did what I needed to do. Her safety is ensured, at least for now, and she can move on to other things; things like making a place where peace can live. Millions of people are counting on her now, you and me included, I think. We want peace, too, although we may not be sure what to do with it. So I've left her, safe and sound, to craft the peace.
But I'm not at peace. There's a storm raging in me that's so fierce that it's blocked out every other concern. I have to get to you. I...*must* get to you.
As I watch the shuttle approach the colony, my mind is overwhelmed by images of you. Your face. Your hair. Your eyes... your eyes... How you never cried, when I told you I had to stay with her. You wouldn't. You're too good at what you do. You did what you were best at. You made fun of me, and told me I must be in love with her.
"Admit it, Heero! You've got a crush! For the first time in your in your life someone's pushed at that perfectly balanced, spinning top that you call your heart and now the whole thing's out of kilter! You're crashing, man - crashing and burning! Aiiiieeeee!!!!" And here you made a little jet out of your hand and sent it in a nose dive towards its doom. You laughed so hard, making fun of the expression on my face. Then you wiped the tears from your eyes, stared at the ground for a moment, and muttered something you thought I couldn't hear. But I did.
"Just can't believe it was that missy who made you feel that way..."
And before I knew it, you were gone. Left for space in an overcrowded shuttle with nothing but a wave and a brave face for me to remember you by. After the shuttle left, I was able to come up with a response to your teasing.
"You're right about one thing, baka. I've got a crush, if that's what you want to call it. I'm in love to the point of not knowing what to do, how to think, which direction to go. I am crashing. And burning, yeah, that too. But it wasn't her finger that did it. It was yours, Duo Maxwell.
/is she fine , so well bred
the perfect girl , a social deb?
and is she the sort that you've always thought
could make, make you what you're not?/
So I'm here, on this hot and grimy colony you call home. It doesn't take long to find your house. It's a little place in the middle of a salvage yard - the one you got before the end of the war, a present from one of your Sweeper buddies. The air is warm and dry, and the metal scrap shimmers in the heat. To most people this yard would look chaotic, but I see the order you've imposed on it. You want people to believe you're just a scatterbrained clown, but you're nothing like that, really. You've just arranged things according to your own plan, which is probably unlike anyone else's.
I stand off to the side of the house, talking myself into knocking on that door. I've come all this way. Can't turn and run now. The mission was accepted. It demands a conclusion.
The door of the house opens and I step back, making sure you won't be able to see me. But it's not you that comes out. It's her. She's wearing a sleeveless shirt and long pants, her head uncovered for once and her thick, spiky bangs still waving above her forehead. She's smiling. And humming. She stops and closes her eyes for a moment. Doesn't know she's being watched. She raises one hand and touches it to her lips, while her other slides over her breasts, brushing lightly at her crotch before she opens her eyes again and makes a soft, ecstatic sound.
She walks slowly, dreamily out of the yard and down the street away from me.
I want to kill her.
/ooh, jealousy
ooh, my jealousy/
I may have made you sad. I may have put Relena's welfare above the feelings I knew you had for me. I may have been terrible at explaining why I did what I did. But this - I didn't betray you like this. I didn't do with Relena what I know now you've done with Hilde. Oh, you little bastard... why couldn't you wait for me.
I wait for you to come out, but you don't. Nothing to do but go over there and knock. And when you open the door, my worst fears are confirmed. You're a vision. Your hair, thigh-length and shining like red-brown fire, tumbles around your face and shoulders. Your chest is bare, the nipples still erect from desire. Your lips are full and bruised from kissing and your cheeks flushed a dusky rose color. And your eyes... the eyes that chased me off the Earth to this strange place, are larger, impossibly, than I remember them, and glowing like wet amethysts.
Oh, gods... give me strength... but what strength is there against this vision, this angel not three feet from me, radiating heat and desire and something else - something so primitive it makes me dizzy to feel it...
Need you... need... oh, I need... you...
From your lips, bruised with her kisses, my name comes in a whisper.
"Heero..."
And that is enough of a consent. I hear a low, hungry, almost strangled sound coming from my throat and I take you by the arms, pushing you back into the house and kicking the door shut with my foot. Your eyes widen, and you look afraid and... something else I can't name... some kind of strange excitement... and submission...
I take your head between my hands and kiss you so fiercely that you whimper. Your hands are on mine, trying to move them, trying to pull away from me, but I won't be stopped. Can't stop. Not possible to go back now. I push my tongue into your mouth, want to be rough, wanting to be different from her.
Then, leaving one hand tangled in your hair, I let the other wander down your back. And when I reach those pretty little cheeks I squeeze hard and hold you very firmly in place while I press and rub hard against you. I want you to feel what you've done to me... I want you to know what's coming...
Your whimpers are soft and constant, your resistance weakening. You still fight me. You shake your head and try to pull away, even as my mouth takes your again and again, each time plundering the softness inside of you further.
I've backed you against a wall and cupped your pretty ass in both hands. The urgent rubbing and pressing seems to take on it's own rhythm, harder and faster against you. My mouth is on your neck, sucking and biting as you tremble and whimper and say my name in little breathless whispers...
"Heero... Heero..." So sad, so excited...
I can't take this pressing anymore. I have to go further, deeper. *Must* go... So I scoop you up and carry you to the small bed, sheet already tangled by your coupling with Hilde. In one movement, I've stripped your jeans off and then mine. You're laid out there, before me, and I stare and stare, wanting us joined completely at that tender spot. But we're human and I have to settle for second best.
I kneel in front of you, hands spreading you wide while my lips and tongue bathe you, making you as wet as I can. I lift my hand to my mouth then wet my own shaft before lifting your legs and pressing against that small, tight opening. You're looking scared, and when I begin to enter you, you try to push me away, but I'm too quick and I pin your arms on either side of your head, pressing in further, feeling the heat inside of you, the tightness that will give me the release I need.
"Give it up," I whisper to you. "Give it up..."
You whimper softly, and I slide in, deeper... and deeper... until I am, aching, all the way inside...I reach down between us and take our tight little sacs in one hand, rubbing in rhythm to the soft thrusts I've begun. You moan then, your hand coming up to touch my hair, fingers burying themselves in it. I make my thrusts longer and slower and watch your face as I do it to you, and whisper to you...
"Does she make you feel this way, Duo? Do you want her this much? Is this what you think about when the two of you... when you... ohhhhhhh..." Your eyes are closed, your pretty lips parted and breath coming in pants. Every thrust brings a little moan from you... deeper... oh, deeper...
Ah, gods, this is madness! I can't get in deep enough... I plant my arms on either side of your head and thrust as hard and deep as I can. When I reach the spot where I can't go further, I stop for long moment, letting you feel it - feel me - that deep inside of you. Violet eyes half-lidded with desire, and your head moves back and forth on the pillow as your stare at me - almost as if you can't quite comprehend what's happening to you. And that makes me feel so hot...
Your body begins to tremble. The tightness, the fullness, the need for friction - all frustrated by my lack of movement. I want you to be maddened. I want you to feel the frustration I've been feeling. I want you to beg...
And you do. Your voice is breathy, struggling to get out around the pants and whimpers.
"Heero... oh... please... Heero, *please*..."
The breathiness, the way your eyes plead with me before they close, the way you arch your back and begin your own thrusts... it takes me over the edge... I can hear your cries, whimpers really, soft and rhythmic. Your release makes the hot sheath around me pulse, and it's too much. I push as deeply into you as I can and fill you with my seed, my scent and taste. And I swear to you, silently, that nothing of her will remain on you or in you. You've been cleansed and purified. You've been claimed as mine...
/is she bright , so well read
are there books, are there novels by her bed?
and is she the sort, that you've always said
could satisfy your head?/
She returns about 10 minutes after we've cleaned up and dressed. You were reluctant to talk to me so we haven't had a chance to work anything out. But you didn't resist when I continued to kiss you and touch you as we washed ourselves. I couldn't get enough... of your mouth, your hair, the scent of you and of me *in* you...
I have you against the wall again, in a deep kiss, one of my hands on the wall next to your head, the other stroking your cheek when we hear her outside. You look a little shellshocked and I move away from you and stand by the small kitchen as she comes in the door.
"Honey? Hope you don't mind but I splurged on some chops for dinner. They just looked so good-"
She sees me and pauses for a moment, then manages a smile. "Hee-Heero! What a - surprise! What are you doing here? Why didn't you tell us you were coming? Honey, isn't this great - you must be so excited."
She talks almost as much as you do.
You look over at her and try to grin. "Yeah - he just showed up right after you left." Now you shift your gaze to me. "It was really... really a surprise..."
Our eyes are locked on each other as Hilde puts away the groceries, babbling on about having company and how I have to stay for dinner. I can't read your expression - usually it's so clear what you're feeling but now - now I'm not sure. We're saved from further discomfort as the phone starts ringing.
"Yes?" you answer, and then, "Oh, now? Uh..." You look over at Hilde who gives you a wink and nods her head. "Sure," you continue, "I'll be there in five minutes."
"Sorry," you say as you replace the phone handset. "There was an explosion on one of the mining asteroids and Hakker has a load of titanium he can sell me cheap. I just need to pick it now, or he has to move it off the colony."
"Sure Honey!" Hilde coos as she slides her arm into yours. Go on and pick it up and Heero and I will visit while I make dinner."
"Thanks," you murmur and head for the door, avoiding my eyes.
"Oh, and sweetheart?" she calls. "Remember I love you!"
You look at her for a moment, mouth open as if to speak, then look at me and duck your head. "You're embarrassing me, Hilde," you say softly as you walk out the door, and I'm left standing in your house with the girl I plan to replace.
/ooh (lalalalalala) jealousy
lalalalala lalalalala
ooh (lalalalalala) my jealousy
lalalalala lalalalala/
It's quiet when you leave. Hilde and I stare at each other and it's then I realize for the first time that she knows why I'm here. She knows how you felt about me, during the war. She probably knows you had asked me to come here with you. But she's the one who's been here.
Her perky expression and overly bright smile fade instantly and her eyes become hard. "Why are you here? We don't want you here. He doesn't need you. In fact what he needs is to have you as far away from him as possible. So tell me what you've come for and then I want you out."
"Who are you to say what Duo needs?" I respond. "What if he *does* want me here? I don't plan on going anywhere because *you* tell me to. That's something that Duo can decide."
"Duo is confused when it comes to you!!" Her voice was high and shrill. "He doesn't know where he's coming from, what's down or up when you're around. But you said 'No' when he asked you to come here and I said, 'Yes.'" So as far as I'm concerned, you had your chance, Heero. Now back off and leave him alone - do you understand me?"
My mind is racing, and at the same time narrowing itself down to one tiny fact: just one thing stands between me and what I wanted most in the world. And it takes the form of this odd-looking girl who is the soul of submission around you, and a perfect bitch around me. I need to reach for you, take you, acknowledge, finally, what has been there between the two of us from the moment we met. And this... this *person* has her hands thrown out across you, as if you're her prized possession that someone wants to steal.
"He's mine, Hilde," I say in a soft voice. "No matter what you think, no matter what the two of you have done or talked about, he's mine. I won't allow you to stand in my way when it comes to Duo. He belongs *to* me and *with* me - it's that simple.
"You jerk!" she yells at me. "You wouldn't know what love was to save your soul. You're *dead* inside. You're the last person he needs. What could you give him? A little grunt now and then. A couple of icy stares and a few stony silences? You're pathetic, Heero. Go back to Relena. You're both at about the same level of emotional maturity."
She turns towards the kitchen table, but I'm too quick. In a heartbeat I have her by the arm and pull her within inches of my face. I'm trying everything in my power to stop from putting my hands around her neck and squeezing. I take a deep breath.
"He wants me," I hiss. "He's wanted me for a long time. *You* have been a nice friend for him and obviously someone to screw while he waited for me. Other than that, you are *not* needed!"
Her hand lands hard against my cheek, but I don't flinch. Instead, I do the one thing that might guarantee that she'll give their relationship second thoughts. I point to the bed.
"You see that bed, Hilde? How easy is your sleep going to be every night, thinking about how I nailed him in it? How romantic will it be when you remember that you're making love to him in the same place where he moaned and whimpered when I came inside of him? The same place where I made him beg me for it, Hilde. And he begged... begged me to do it to him... just after you left. Just after he'd been inside of you..."
"Stop!!" she screams. "How dare you say those kinds of things about him! How dare you come here and expect him to fall into bed with you after the way you treated him! He's mine! As far as I'm concerned Duo and I are as good as engaged. Now get out, you pervert!" She's crying hard and her voice is choked with sobs. But I don't feel any pity for her. She came here with you knowing how you felt about me. She knew what she was getting into, but she walked right into it, anyway.
Before I could answer her accusation, the door opens and you step in. Your eyes are large, your cheerful face solemn as you quickly close the door and lean your back against it. you look from one of us to the other, your face beginning to register the terrible choice that's coming.
"Hilde," you say, your voice low and soft. "I want to-"
"Is it true?" she demands, her voice cracking from the sobs. "He said that he... that the two of you... right here in this bed -" she broke off and started crying. "Is it true, Duo? Is it??"
You stand very still then, your eyes fixed on her face. I've never seen a look of more genuine sorrow and anguish. I know you won't lie to her.
"Yes..." Your voice is trembling "Yes. He showed up right after you... Yes, Hilde, it's true."
She turns a tear-streaked face on you. "And that pervert said you wanted it. He said you *wanted* him to that to you. But that's not true is it, Duo? If anything happened, it was because he forced himself on you. Isn't that true?"
You look away from her, out the window on the wall opposite you. "No, Hilde. He didn't force me, not really. At the end, I wanted it just as much as Heero did."
She steps up to you and backhands you across his left cheek. I move quickly, ready to push her away from you, ready to kill, but you wave me away. You close your eyes for a moment, standing perfectly still. She stands in front of you, staring, for a long time and then says to you, "This isn't over, Duo. We're talking about this, *right now.* Understand? Now tell him to get out."
You look up at her, pleading, but her eyes are cold, steely. So you look down at your boots, then up at me. "Heero... I think you'd better leave for now. Hilde and I have to talk about a lot of stuff..."
I hate the idea of leaving you with her. Hate the thought of her trying to persuade you to keep her and get rid of me. I especially hate the fact that even now, she has her hand on your shoulder and is caressing the back of your neck with her fingers.
So I do what anyone would do when territory is threatened. I walk up to you two and pull her arm away from you. Then, stepping right in front of her, I bury the fingers of one hand in your hair and pull you close for a long, passionate kiss. I am keenly aware of three things as I do this: 1) you're responding, not fighting me; 2) there is absolute silence in the room behind me; and 3) she hasn't moved away from where she was standing.
I reluctantly break off the kiss and whisper to you that I'll be walking around the city and that I'll be back later that evening. Then I turn and stared at my rival, trying to put every ounce of will that I have into my words.
"You just think about what I said. Think about what's happened in that bed over there. Think about what he and I have done. How will you *ever* know now, when he makes love to you, if he's thinking about you... or *me?*
Remember - he's *mine.*"
And with that, I walked out into the perpetual summer of the L2 evening to wait for you to come back to me. To wait for you to remember how much you wanted this. To wait, impatiently, as you tie up the loose ends.
/does she talk the way I do?
is her voice is her voice reminding you
of the promises, the little white lies too?
sometimes, tell me while she's touching you,
just by mistake, accidentally do you say my name?/
owari
(:./kumiko/jealousy)
