09-Jul-2000
Title: Deliberate Caution
Author: Traed (Rayjahr@hotmail.com)
Warnings: None really...Kinda deathfic
Archive: If anyone wants it sure, just let me know
Pairing: 1x2
Rating: G-maybe NC-17(if I can stop blushing long enough at the thought) but at least R.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em more's pity...but boy don't I wish
Note: Here it is folks...I finally found a plot...or it found me...well, why look a gift horse in the mouth,
Anyway...this is the prologue to my future long fic with an actual plot...(yay me!!) But staying true
to form I just couldn't get away from the pov's so...here's Heero...and next Duo...I should warn though
that sections will far between I'm back at work and am now regulated a couple days of nothingness to
add to it...so I'll say about once a week installments or so (don't qoute me though). P.S. since I have a plethora
of Gw inspired poems..half done and otherwise...I'm taking lines from them as I see fit...so excuse the somewhat
erratic style.
Feedback: Yes please...let me know what's working and what's not...
I am hurting you with deliberate caution plotting your pain with calm hands that tremble without my consent. I create and paint you in blues, and greens and grays, weeping yellows beyond the glamour of the sun's red heart.
But you do not appreciate me and my joy and I reflect that sculpting you from stone would have been a better blessing to my fractured soul.
These two limbs would experience you as I can cleary fathom in my heart, a finger here
a finger there
Touching, stroking, caressing, without pity or ploy expressing without impression.
It wasn't supposed to be love. You're wrong Duo, it was never about love for me. I just wanted to touch, you looked so soft and inviting. I just wanted to stroke a little bit of skin and experience you. Why did you have to change the rules halfway through the game? Wasn't my touch enough for you? Why did you have to want the words?
I am not heartless.
I am not heartless.
If I was then this shouldn't hurt my soul so much. The heart is just a hollow muscular organ that maintains the circulation of blood in the body...the circulation of blood...everything else is metaphor.
I think my heart has stopped pumping because I can't breathe, my chest is tight, and my world has gone gray. I can't see the colors anymore....
They were so bright.
I am outside my body watching as my hands scramble frantically at my chest, hoping to stop the pain, not realizing I am already numb.
Duo...
I think I am dead.
"Is that your soul drifting in a chilly wind?"
I don't think I'll ever be warm again.
I've been frozen by your ice.
You heartless son of a bitch! How could you Heero? How could you?
Weren't you listening to me? I kept telling you over and over.
Why didn't you listen to me? Was I saying the wrong words?
How do I make this right?
You're wrong Heero, it was always about love, if it wasn't how come you could break my heart? I loved your little touches, that said "I love you." Even now my skin tingles with the remembered joy of your touch. My palms won't stop itching, my hands have lives of their own and crave the solace of yours.I can read your secret language, and no matter what you say I refuse to belive that it wasn't about love.
I'm not a fool Heero, I know there's something wrong and as much as I'm touched by your effort to protect me, painful though it is, I refuse to believe that your hands were wrong. You love me Heero Yuy, I know you do. My mind and my body agree.
But my heart won't stop hurting, and I can't get warm.
"On a moonlit night guarded by death"
Heero'd already gone by the time I got back to the room we where sharing in our current school of choice. I wasn't really surprised but there was still a small twitch of pain inside my chest. Then first thing I did was grab a coat to cover myself, I'm so cold now that even the thick down comfort does little to free me of this chill. Now that the initial burst is over and I can think again, I set about trying to figure out just what exactly it was that had come over Mr. I-Have-No-Heart-Yuy.
There's never really been any conflict in our relationship, simply put, Heero and I fit together. There was never any first stage awkwardness with us, we just kinda flowed into being, like a stream coming together with a river. A raging river in the middle of a storm. I could bore you with the details of our first time, but right now I don't want to think about it. I'm in denial, and I'm the kinda guy who appreciates small comforts and right now, denial's a comfort. If I can't deny I have to accept, and I refuse to believe that Heero would hurt me like this. True, he's never really said the words but Heero's definitely a man of action and his actions were shouting "I love you" from rooftops. It isn't really about sex with us, though I gotta tell ya... if Heero was a sex toy he'd be priceless. But like I was saying, somedays when I'd wake up he'd be lying with his head perched on a hand while the other was doing this little stroke thing he has with his fingers. He'd spend like twenty minutes just going up one side then down the other of my body, using nothing but the tips of his fingers. Mapping me, he said. Telling me, my mind would whisper. That was Heero's language of love, all the silent pauses with his head cocked just so, in my direction, his eyes catching mine. None of that was saying, "I'm going to break your heart Duo."
That's it! That's where I went wrong! Dammit! Sometimes I can be sooo stupid. Fuck. I was listening to his words and not paying attention to his language. Shit. No wonder I'm so cold. My heart was paying attention to his words while my mind and body where tuning in and not getting a clear reception. Heero, you son of a bitch. That's why you wouldn't touch me... you knew. You knew that if I was in physical contact there was no way I'd let you get away with a stunt like that. You son of bitch.
Now that I can think again, the question is why? What are you protecting me from? Dammit Heero where'd you go? I'm cold Heero, why aren't you here to keep me warm? There's a full moon out tonight, you always said I was beautiful by moonlight.
End Part 1
(:./traed/caution1)
