March 2000
Revised March 2002
Title: Game Over
Author: Ebonydove
Warnings: POV- Duo, angst, language, sap
Pairings: 1x2 A little game of poker anyone?
Author's Note: I had to write this because, I just couldn't sleep. That, and
the g-boys are too interesting. No money being made here, I wish, so don't sue.
Part one of a three part
I played things over in my head. Christ, this is why I never should get involved. I should have just stuck to my original plans from the beginning, but it only seemed natural to team up with these guys. Although I play the part of the joker, I'm no fool. Still, here I am sitting in Quatre's study replaying the huge mistake I just made.
I had been flirting and teasing Heero for months. Why not? It was safe. He showed no interest in anyone, let alone me. He was focused, driven, a soldier incarnate, he had shown very few emotions to any of us... unless you really watched for them. Which I had been. Still, I didn't think too much of it. He'd glare at me, or worse throttle me, when I crossed the line. But everyone should know by now, draw a line in the dirt, I'll cross it every time. It's in my nature I guess, too push things too far. Like I just did. Shit.
I think I've always been drawn to the ones who resist me the most. Part of the challenge, the chase. I would pursue them like I was on safari. I would carefully studying them, watching their every move, waiting for the perfect moment, then pounce of them. I knew I was an asshole for dropping them soon after I had charmed them into falling for me, but with the hunt over, I got bored.
No, that's a lie... I got insecure. When I get too comfortable, too close, I would run from them just like I was runnin' now. I just know from experience, both good and bad that people who get attached, get stupid, or worse, get dead.
Getting dead I had a problem with, but I never had a problem with my sexuality. That's certainly not it. In that regard I just went with the flow. True, I never let myself get too attached to anyone in particular, but it didn't mean I didn't care for them. I'm not that shallow, or cruel. Despite what some of those I've dumped may think. Believe me in most cases it was for their own good.
Maybe that's why I disliked Relena so much as well. She reminded me of so much of myself in many ways. She just wants to feel protected and loved. Who could really blame a person for that? Her innocence got under my skin and that was only because it was genuine. I had lost my innocence a long time ago.
But when it comes right down to it, it was sex. Any way I could get it was fine with me. It wasn't about male or female either, I always was attracted to the person, how they thought, or carried themselves. So whether it was a guy or girl was irrelevant. I also liked being both submissive and dominant, depending on the person. I hadn't even realized that I haven't... ya know... since I met the guy. Too wrapped up in myself I guess, the war, circumstances...
Shit, that's a lie too. I wanted to forget that I could be so callous. I wanted to believe I could really give myself to someone completely. I always wanted that elusive thing called love. I had been chasing after it. So maybe I am a fool after all.
So that brings me to my current dilemma. I actually got what I wanted and I got spooked, again. When it happened, that moment... I mean, I was the one who came on to him, not only did I take off, but then I ignored him on top of it. Next time, I should just casually rub salt into his wounds. That look too. Shit, I think I'll remember that look for the rest of my life. The wall finally came down and as he stood there waiting for me to finish what I started, well... I may as well have handed him a trowel and some concrete to build the wall back up with.
I am such an asshole.
Sometimes I really wish I could cry. Sitting here, in the dark of Quatre's study smelling the comforting scent of leather and old books, really makes me want to, but... I just can't. Sister Helen always had said that it was all right for me to cry, but I never did back then either. Once, I had to bite my tongue so hard it bled, just to keep myself from letting those built up beads of moisture from rolling down my cheeks. It was the closest I ever got, that time when they died.
Come to think of it, I don't think Heero's never cried either. I mean even when he's having nightmares he controls himself. He never cries out or screams like I do or nothin'. The worse part of this whole thing is that I think I hurt him. And here I am sulking, feeling sorry for myself. I need to remind myself, I was the one who put this whole thing in motion. I was the one whose been teasing and flirting, I was the one who hugged him ... stared into those cold blue eyes... pressed my lips to his...
Shit. It's all been a big lie. I knew from the beginning what it was. I thought I could trick myself into thinking it was just another game, another conquest. Or worse, that it wasn't a big deal at all that it was casual. Just our circumstances. Getting blown to hell more times than I can count makes you appreciate the guy who's draggin' your ass outta the sling. I could almost pretend it was out of thanks, or appreciation, or even admiration.
But it's a lie. I almost got myself to believe that I picked him, because he tried so hard to keep me away. I never picked him. He chose me. Sometimes I really hate the truth. Lies are so much easier. This would all be so much easier if I didn't have to admit what was really happening. For the first time... I have to admit...
I can't even say it.
Fuckin' love.
But shit, it's the truth.
End Part 1
(:./ebony/games1)
