Title: Concerning Sausages and Flowers
Pairings: R+D, 1+3, crack flower+everyone, 13+6
Warnings: Utter silliness, terrible humor, jabs at any GW character I could
stuff in here, and lots of naughty references. Obviously, wildly OOC,
otherwise I'd never manage to get them to say some of this stuff.
Notes: Done for Lyss' line challenge on GWML! And what a hard one it was. I
couldn't even fit all the lines in. But it was fun!
Once upon a time, in a safe house nestled among trees whose girths exceeded that of Chang Wufei's extensive ego, five boys lived in relative harmony. Each had their own rooms, a single kitchen to share, and one living room with which to occasionally socialize. One might argue that this particular venture went against all the laws of puberty and sanity, and one would be right, but the lack of entertainment that goes with such a notion cannot be suffered. Thusly, we find ourselves unwilling witnesses to such tragedy...
Stumbling down the stairs in white pajamas covered with oversized fire trucks, Duo Maxwell rubbed at his frizzed hair and uttered a yawn rife with the alluring aroma of 'morning breath'. Warm, spectacular smells were coming from the kitchen and he could hardly wait to sit himself at the table and fill his plate. Breakfast was his favorite meal of the day. Actually, all meals were his favorite at the moment of consumption...
He saw it the second he entered. Perfectly rounded, delicately crisp, and blessed with mountains of chocolate chips. How a cookie could look so beautiful, he couldn't say, but the lure of it was too much for his sleep hazed mind to resist. He was drawn to it like Heero Yuy to self-destruction.
A smile transformed his face into a goofy mockery, and he hovered above the cookie, hands descending as his stomach rejoiced.
The pleasant reverie was broken as the flat end of a spatula connected with his flesh, leaving a stinging welt that spanned his entire hand.
Jumping back, he snapped, "What the hell was that for?!"
Elfin Quatre Winner, brandishing his weapon of choice, and garbed in an apron that announced "I know I'm cute, but you can't have me", made Duo's stomach shrink under the weight of his withering glare.
"Back awaaaaay from the cookie!"
Holding up his hands, Duo backed up until he bumped into the fridge, knocking magnets loose and to the floor, earning him a frown from Quatre's cooking partner, Wufei.
"Okay, okay. Sheesh. I didn't realize it was yours."
Huffing some more, he contented himself with securing a watering can and giving the lone flower on the table a drink. Smiling at it with obvious adoration, he patted the petals and then leaned down to smell.
"Don't breathe on it. You might kill it," Wufei said dryly, lifting some sort of spice and sprinkling it in the pan.
Uttering a sound of distress, Quatre rushed to grab the bottle from Wufei before Duo could retort. "No, no! Enough with the oregano, you're obsessed with the oregano! I won't have it."
Issuing a long suffering sigh, Wufei turned from the pan and gestured to a line of ingredients on the counter. "Duo. Coffee? Tea? Cheese?"
"I'd like to stuff the cheese up your butt, you jerk," Duo muttered, hurling himself down into a chair to pout.
Wufei considered this highly improbable, as Duo couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag, much less wrestle him down to shove edibles up his behind. So he chose to ignore the comment and survey Quatre's work. The boy was not to be trusted. He didn't give the sausages enough flavoring.
His tone sulky, Duo asked, "Where're Trowa and Heero?"
"They're out in the rain," Quatre supplied, turning the sausages.
"They're out in the rain? Their balls are gonna shrink to the size of raisins!" A female voice interjected, filled with amusement and sly intimation, as most women's voices were.
Spinning, giant fork in hand, Quatre eyed Dorothy Catalonia through narrowed eyes. Pursing his lips, he wondered who had invited _her_ to breakfast. With the way Duo ate, they weren't likely to have enough, and he certainly wasn't offering his own share. There were limits to his manners, after all.
"Oh yeah, _that's_ an image I want," Duo returned, slanting her a glance, as she shook her damp hair over the kitchen floor.
At the same moment, as if they had radar, Wufei and Quatre rushed to clean up the mess that dared mar their (they had claimed rights to the kitchen) sparkling kitchen. As fate would have it, they collided and the sounds that ensued as they fell were not ones that should fall on delicate ears. The unmistakable crunch of... something (we hope it wasn't bone), made even the iron hearted Dorothy cringe.
Simultaneous exclamations of pain followed. "OW!!!"
"Dammit, Quatre, you snapped my wooden spoon in half!" Wufei complained, holding up the casualty.
"Oh, it was your wooden spoon?" He inquired innocently. "I thought it was your head."
Snorting, Wufei jerked Quatre forward and used the hem of his apron to wipe up the water.
Scandalized, Quatre stared down at his now wet apron in horror.
Smirking, Wufei went back to the sausages.
Sighing, Duo plucked at his pajamas. "Don't worry, Dorothy. Heero and Trowa have unbeatable balls."
One hideous, forked eyebrow rose. "You talk like they grow back."
Quatre, who was still on the floor recovering from the shock, looked up at Dorothy aghast. "You mean they don't?"
Leaning down, getting so close to Quatre that he could see down the front of her blouse (a fact which nearly hypnotized, or blinded him, depending on your view), and smell her perfume, she smiled ever so slowly. "No. And let me tell you another secret. Castration is fun."
A collective gasp rang out as each male in the room protectively covered their privates.
Laughing in obvious enjoyment, Dorothy helped herself to a healthy portion of cheese. She so loved torturing the pathetic males. They were easy targets, and she never grew bored when she came over to annoy them.
Making herself comfortable, Dorothy secured a place next to Wufei. He eyed her down the length of his nose and scooted away.
Shaking the water from her shockingly pink umbrella in the tiny foyer, Relena Peacecraft dropped all of her things on the floor near the door and rushed into the ever-crowded kitchen, opening her arms as if to embrace everyone.
"Hello, hello! I thought I would drop in for a visit." And she smiled, so charmingly as she said it, apparently thinking they would be ecstatic to be graced with her lovely presence.
"Where did you get that dress, Miss. Relena?" Dorothy asked snidely. "Neon 'R Us?"
Clasping her hands in front of her chest as if for protection, Relena said gravely, "Dorothy. Dorothy is the devil, she makes me spontaneously combust with her eyes. And such gloriously blue eyes they are."
"And then there was random lesbian sex," imparted the unmasked Count as he sailed into the room, his shining hair leaving a trail of vanilla in his wake.
Duo slammed his head down repeatedly on the table and muttered to himself.
Wufei elbowed Dorothy. "You little ovary, you."
Dorothy, looking sinfully pleased with herself answered silkily, "And he would know. Wufei's helping the grapes have sex!"
Blanching, Wufei stared down at the bowl of said grapes that he was mashing. Then, as if the very thought disgusted him, he set them aside.
Uttering a tinkling little laugh, Relena carefully slid an arm around Dorothy's shoulder and nuzzled her ear.
Now visibly aghast, Wufei scooted as far away from Dorothy and Relena as he could, nearly bowling over Quatre, who was chopping up something with vicious intent.
"Tsk. You're scaring the straights," Zechs Merquise scolded, helping himself to a wedge of cheese, and chasing it down with a sip of coffee gone cold. Making a face, he walked over to the flower and poured it in. Undaunted, the flower remained as it was.
"Don't you have a planet to blow up or something?" Duo groaned, picking a Zechs hair from his lap. He shed those damn things like a dog.
Looking haughty, Zechs chose to ignore that.
Feeling unloved, Duo inquired, "When are Heero and Trowa going to get back?"
Quatre, still swinging the kitchen knife with frightening glee, noted, "They were supposed to be back hours ago."
"Heero Yuy has not realized the full capabilities of his backseat yet," Wufei interjected, with a mysterious air.
The room grew quiet as many a mind pondered the meaning of this.
At that moment, Heero chose to walk in. Late. Moments later, Trowa Barton followed. They were both soaked and disheveled.
"Or maybe he has."
"I so did not need that image," and Duo continued pounding his head on the table, mumbling, "Headache. Headache. Headache."
Without asking for permission, Trowa proceeded to pass the procession as if it were normal, and plucked sausages, hot, from the pan.
"Hey! Don't touch those," Quatre scolded, scowling. He wasn't at all pleased that Heero and Trowa were christening Heero's back seat...
Trowa sent him a calm look. "There will be other sausages."
"Not like those!" Quatre screeched, now swinging his knife around.
"Whoa. Quatre, you fruitcake, put that thing away before you poke out someone's eye!" Duo suddenly hollered, leaping up from the table, intent on taking the weapon away.
Eyes flickering dangerously, Quatre brandished the gleaming steel. "I am not a fruitcake, I am an apple pie, damn you! I have apples... and cinnamon... and lovely, flaky crust..."
Quatre's eyes got misty just thinking about it. Wufei used the chance to steal the knife away and pass it to Zechs, who eyed it with interest.
"Lovely... Lovely..." Quatre uttered, and watered the flower.
"No one is listening to me..." Duo whined, falling back into his chair.
"If at first you don't succeed, give up," Dorothy told him sweetly, patting his head as she rounded the table.
Duo slapped her hand away and went back to staring morosely at the flower. Seconds later, he was smiling again.
It was then that Heero, unable to take the attention lavished on a inconsequential flower, demanded, "What is it about this goddamn flower that makes everyone so bloody happy? Is it the crack flower?!!?"
He was decidedly sick of the fragrant blossom. Sometimes, it got more attention than he did. It kept him up at night. He had, had many dreams of sneaking downstairs and stuffing it down the garbage disposal. No man should have to compete with something that couldn't even talk!
The maniacal glint in his eyes obviously kept anyone from commenting. Heero Yuy with that expression meant death. Little did they know, it was the flower's demise he was plotting.
"If the coffee didn't kill it Heero, I don't think your glare will," Zechs informed him.
Whipping around, Heero blessed Zechs with the same treatment the flower had been on the receiving end of.
"Who invited you?" He demanded bluntly.
"God," Zechs replied solemnly.
Duo snorted a laugh that sounded close to hysteria.
"Oh, He did not," Dorothy said. "It was an e-mail."
"Where do you think I get my e-mail from?" Zechs returned, undaunted. "GOD?"
Leaping up, Duo flung his arms into the air and screamed, "This is what I think of you, the flower, and God!" And he inflicted them all to a blatant view of his middle finger.
Treize Kushrenada, looking dapper and extremely comfortable, strolled into the kitchen, showing them all his winning smile. "The 11th Commandment doth decree 'Though shall not flicketh offth thy Lord in vain."
Now outright laughing, looking distressed and deranged, Duo yelled back, "You are not God!"
Quatre, having gotten a hold of a knife again, and who was busy eating sausages speared by it, said deadpan, "She's God with tits." And he pointed to Relena.
Relena's mouth fell open, but no sound was forthcoming. Most all considered this a blessing, and none remarked upon it.
Treize, whose back was to them all, appeared to be... wiggling?
"Treize... What are you doing?" Zechs wanted to know, doing his best to avoid Duo, who was swinging from the ceiling fan.
"I'm playing with my stick!" He told them all, not bothering to turn.
"That's just..." Relena sputtered, having found her voice much to the chagrin of all those in the room.
Trowa examined a piece of cheese, saying without inflection, "It only takes one hand."
"Is that the voice of experience?" Quatre shot back acidly.
"There are women present..." Wufei noted, sounding thoroughly disapproving.
"MY WALKING STICK YOU PERVS!" Treize thundered, and proceeded to slam it upside Wufei's head.
"Look at the pretty light!" The victim of the attack slurred, spinning away from the stove to fall on his face.
Dorothy clasped her hands together, hair flying, expression adoring as it fell on her cousin. "Treize has a real sword. Wufei just has air."
Treize went back to looking dignified, now resting on the elegant walking stick. Until, Zechs caught his attention and something occurred to him of great importance.
"The series has almost ended. I have 24 hours to live and get laid. I'm certainly not going to touch Lady Une," he shuddered delicately. "Come here, Zechs."
"You can use the backseat of Heero's car!" Quatre yelled, fists clenched, glaring at Trowa. With a slight sniff, he kicked Wufei's inert body and stalked from the kitchen.
"Who peed in his tea?" Dorothy asked around a mouthful of sausage.
As hand slowly raised from the floor. Weakly, Wufei admitted, "I did."
And somewhere in this tale lies a moral... It seems, however, that we are hard pressed to come up with one.
Without announcing herself, Hilde raced into the room. "Let me give it a shot." She cleared her throat, fashioned her expression into one of grave care, and said, "Moral: It just goes to show you that every ape has his turd bucket."
The End
(:./jen/flowers)
