Disclaimers: I don't own em, I'm just messing with'em. AU, angsty, eventually some yaoi, maybe?
What are you staring at? The universe that robbed you of everything? Or you who have no identity?
"Oi, Heero, whatcha starin' at?" Duo's voice broke into the stillness within Heero's mind, slowly rousing him from his contemplation. Without turning away from the window, he murmured, "Nothing." Reflected in the window were his own intense blue eyes, empty.
"Saa... sounds boring, man! Let's go do something, ne?" Heero's focus shifted slightly, from his reflection to that of the violet-eyed boy moving around the room behind him. Unbidden, memories returned to his mind-- the very first time he had met Duo had been a confrontation. Duo's initial greeting in the form of two bullets; Heero's reply non-existant.
He remembered feeling furious about the other boy's attempt to take his mobile suit; flying off of the torpedoes, falling through the air... then being in the water, floating facedown.
His brows furrowed slightly; that memory, floating in the water, having no air to breathe, being aware of nothing but himself and the movements of the fluid around him, was familiar. He closed his eyes, trying to remember, trying to tune out the world around him,and the incessant chatter of the other occupant of theroom.
<Floating, weightless- the fluid around me is warm and thick; not water. I can feel it within my lungs, heavy, saturating my tissues, circulating with my blood stream as I float, half-curled. The tiny chamber moves to the pulsing of my heart; I can't see anything, I can only hear, and feel.>
He blinked, once, and the memory faded away like a wisp of gossamer, irretrievable. After a moment, he sighed softly, feeling the brush of his breath, warm against his own lips, and he shivered. Duo was still talking; he ignored it, getting to his feet and striding toward the door.
"Oi, where ya goin, Heero? What's up?" Duo stared after him, brows furrowed. This wasn't the first time Heero had simply tuned him out and walked off, and it was somewhat annoying. < Don't just leave me, man... I don't want to be left alone. Please. > The door clicked after Heero, and Duo trembled slightly, sighing and sinking into a seated position, pulling his knees to his chest and curling protectively around himself.
"I don't like being alone," he murmured to himself. "Then I have to think, and I can't just babble to anyone--well, I can babble to myself, I'm good at that, ne? Anything to keep from thinking, huh? No remembering. Just something to distract myself. That's all I need."
He hopped to his feet, flipping on the stereo, desperate for the noise. "It's not enough," he murmured. "Gotta find something else." Anything to escape the stillness. Anything to quiet his own mind.
He moved restlessly around the room, flipping through books, humming, dancing, carrying on one-sided conversations, but finally found himself limply curled on his side on the bed, staring into space.
< This isn't good, baka. > He informed himself mentally. < Everyone else is either off on a mission,or just gone, like Mr."I'm-not-gonna-talk-to-you-baka" Yuy. It's just me, myself, and I. And my memories. > He closed his eyes, burying his face in the pillow. < Damnit.>
One of the perks of their newest safehouse was "a killer view" of the ocean, as Duo put it. Heero found himself staring out over the waves, as if the motion of the water could once again bring back the memories that had eluded him earlier. His childhood, his life before Odin Lowe, he'd forgotten. But everything after that should have been clear. Everyone he'd killed with Odin, he remembered. His training with Dr. J, he remembered. Hell, sometimes he still woke from nightmares about it, choking back screams. The endless work, forcing his mind and body past human limits, again and again.
< You are more than human, my boy-- and once we're through, you will be amazing. > Dr. J's voice in his memory-- but when? He frowned ever so slightly. He couldn't remember when Dr. J had said that. With the memory came snatches of feeling-- the prick of a needle in the veins of his arm, and sudden agony shooting through his limbs as whatever it was moved through his bloodstream. He remembered looking down at his arm, watching it spread-- every vein stood out in sharp relief, swelling as the fluid seemed to creep through them, thick and crawling. He shuddered, gasping for air. Air that was suddenly denied him; they held something to his face, and his next breath brought in fluid instead.
<Panic filled him, washing out the pain-- Can't breathe! What are you doing? Why are you doing this to me?! He couldn't speak, couldn't voice his fear and confusion. Tears flowed down his cheeks, even as they stripped him and placed him in the chamber again, half-conscious, hardly able to see, as the world went black. And then--stillness. A feeling of peace, feeling the walls of the chamber close around him, secure, throbbing with every beat of his heart -- safe...>
His eyes opened wide. He hadn't remembered that before. When was that? He tried to dredge up the memory, what point in his training that had happened, but it wasn't there. When was I ever in a chamber like that? Was it pressure resistance training, zero-G tolerance, what? He couldn't even remember what the chamber looked like. Was it metal, or plastic, or something else?
He closed his eyes, trying to picture it in his mind. It was fairly small, fitting him comfortably when he curled in a fetal position, barely large enough to stretch fully. He couldn't remember what it looked like from the outside. <But I never saw the outside, just the inside,> he thought. <Right?> Not being able to remember clearly frustrated him. He depended on his memory to be flawless, and usually it was. Why did only this escape him? Sometime in his past, with Dr. J, something had happened to him. Something had been done to him. But what?
Duo had finally planted himself in front of the television, trying to numb his brain. It worked for awhile. Cartoons were fun. Ridiculing commercials was always fun. But it was only fun for so long, he reflected moodily. Damnit, is anyone else ever gonna get hooooome?? As though in answer to his prayers,the door swung open.
"Ohayo, is anyone here?" Quatre's soft voice came from the doorway. Duo leapt from his sprawl on the couch, sending pillows flying.
"Q-man! Hiya! Welcome home! How was the mission? Do anything fun? Didja bring me anything?" He bounced across the room, sweeping the smaller boy into a boisterous embrace, swinging him around. Quatre laughed, hugging him fiercely.
"Duo, you're insane!" he chuckled. <Yeah, I'd agree with you there, Quatre...> he mused to himself, drinking in the other boy's warmth for a moment before releasing him with a grin plastered on his face. <But as long as someone's with me, as long as I can hide from myself-- I can make it.>
"Saa, Quatre, you had dinner? Let's make some food, ne?" Grabbing the other boy's hand, he dragged him into the kitchen in search of distraction.
End Part 1
C&C very welcome-- tell me what's good, what sucks,what I should change, and what you want more of.
(:./madcat/separate1)
