Title: Simple Living -- Living Free Series -- Fic 1
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2 friendship
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, Language, Duo POV
Archived: Yep! Thanks Lev :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. The song 'Weathered' is by Creed. This is the first fic in a series inspired by their song 'My Sacrifice'. //lyrics// = the song playing in the background.
//I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No, maybe I can't accept the life that's mine//
The song fills the hotel room where I am, wrapping me in a depression as familiar as the gold cross hanging askew around my neck. I bought the CD that's in the media player a few days ago at a used disc store, and it's been my faithful companion ever since. I've lost count how many times I've listened to it, but it seems to say everything that my battered and brittle heart just can't. At the moment, I'm lying on my king-sized bed, stripped to my boxers, one of the mini bar bottles momentarily forgotten in my hand. I couldn't tell anyone how many of them that I've consumed this evening, even though the dead soldiers lay scattered all over the floor in plain sight.
Dead soldiers. Pretty much describes how I feel.
I killed him today -- my partner, my buddy, my friend -- Deathscythe. He was a loyal comrade, serving me yet again in battle, and I pressed the button to detonate the explosives that destroyed him, Heavyarms, and Sandrock. We had all decided to do it, Wufei declining to join us, but agreeing to take care of Nataku on his own. Trowa and Quatre stood there with me while ours disintegrated. Aqua eyes filled with unshed tears and green flashed with silent loss; violet just looked on passively. I acted like it didn't matter. I smiled, I joked, and I laughed.
I thought I was going to die inside.
//Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading love with indifference and yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Yeah, maybe that's why I feel so alone//
How do you find yourself when you don't remember being lost? How can you be lost when you never had a place to call home to begin with? I contemplate that as I drain the bottle of whatever the hell it is I'm drinking, wishing I hadn't told Quatre that I would stay here until Heero got out of the hospital. I close my eyes and sigh. Who was I kidding? I needed to see Heero one more time to make sure he's all right. He was even more lost than me after the first war, and I couldn't help but worry about him now that this one is over. He's my best friend, even if the bastard doesn't realize it, and I can't just leave without making sure his head is screwed on straight.
I snort derisively at myself. Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?
//'Cause me... I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
No, it just won't heal, no, no, no//
I no longer have a salvage business waiting for me on L2. The girl that I love like a sister no longer has me as a business partner. I sent word the moment I walked into the suite -- I'm not coming back. I don't even know why. It should be easy to go back to the place I've been living for the past year, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Why can't I be satisfied with the life I've made for myself? Why can't I just be happy? I thought I was until Heero showed up again, asking me to go with him without ever saying a word. I never considered not going. Not once. It was like I had no choice -- like it was the most natural thing in the world for me to lay aside everything to help him. Now, I just want to run away as far as I can, not stopping until I collapse. All this time I believed I was free. All this time, I thought I was healing. It's a bitter realization that all I've been doing is hiding. Hiding from the pain, hiding from the guilt.
Hiding from myself.
//The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Yeah, I said, sometimes I feel like giving up//
I'm so sick of trying. So tired of hurting. Fed up with just existing. Living would be nice for a change, but how can someone that Death follows dare to do that? I shake my head at that thought, my unbound hair rustling against the pillow. I don't want to have that shadow over me forever. I embraced it so I could do what I had to do to avenge the deaths of the people I considered my family. Now I want it to go away. I want to be Duo, not Shinigami. I want... to cry. Yeah... to just cry. Tears are a release I've never been granted before, a luxury that I've never been able to afford, and although they would be cleansing, I'm sure as hell not going to let them gain control while I'm in this state of mind.
They might drown me when they refused to stop.
//Cause me... I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
It just won't heal, no//
My eyes flick to a knife lying on my nightstand, the wicked blade glinting in the moonlight that's spilling through the window. It would be such an easy way out, the dark part of my soul whispers, and almost I listen... almost. A pair of blue eyes fills my memory, and I look away from the temptation, suddenly wondering how Heero is doing. The doctors thought he might be released tomorrow, and the desire to see him outweighs the allure of oblivion. I couldn't do that to him -- he needs me, even if he doesn't know it.
I laugh at the absurdity of it all, letting the harsh sound mingle with the music. I'm supposed to make sure he's okay when I'm this fucked up? Damn, but I'm a hypocritical son-of-a-bitch. My laughter dies as tears begin to track down my face. Oh well, maybe drowning will be better than bleeding to death.
//The day reminds me of you
The night hides your truth
The earth is a voice
Speaking to you//
I look out the window, barely able to see the moon. It calms me slightly and I wipe away the traces of my momentary weakness. Boys don't cry; but apparently, former Gundam pilots do. Still, there's no need to bawl like a baby over nothing. Hell, I've lived through worse than this, right? I fucking survived a plague, a massacre, and two damn wars; a little soul-searching shouldn't be so hard. Besides, I have to get my shit together so I can help Heero. I don't want him to go through what I'm feeling by himself. I stare at the moon and suddenly wonder if I'm just hoping that being there for him will keep me from feeling so alone. Am I doing this for him or me? I can't honestly answer that. I never tell a lie... especially when I can't face the truth.
//Take all this pride
And leave it behind
Because one day it ends
One day we die//
Solo once told me that I was too damn tough to let life get the best of me, and that I would fight Death himself just to prove that he couldn't beat me. Solo didn't know that I would lose my first battle with the Grim Reaper when he died. After those at Maxwell Church became the next victims of my personal war with the dark angel, I decided the casualty rate was just too high. I piloted Deathscythe so I could at least have some say in those that Death claimed. I tricked him at his own game, and part of me is still waiting for him to get even with the street rat that dared use his name for his own purposes.
It's not wise to piss Death off, even if you are Shinigami.
//Believe what you will
That is your right
But I choose to win
I choose to fight
To fight//
I laugh again at my own thoughts, feeling the effects of the alcohol as it begins to pull me into blissful unconsciousness... no nightmares tonight for me. The sweet liquid of forgetfulness will cradle me in her deceptive bosom, letting me gain a measure of the peace I can't seem to find when sober. I'll wake up tomorrow, calling myself every kind of fool as I throw up everything I've ever eaten in my pathetic life, making promises to God that I will NEVER do it again, knowing that at the moment it won't be a lie, but will come back as one to mock me during my next fit of excess. For now, I curl around a pillow, wishing it were another warm body, as my last coherent thought whispers through my weary and wayward soul.
//Cause me... I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal
I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't
Covered with skin that peels and it just won't
Covered with skin that peels and it just won't...//
I hope Heero knows more about living than I do.
//Heal//
The End
(:./tk/living1)
