27-Aug-2004
Title: Nothing Left To Weather – 2/3
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2, past 2xH
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (Overall): Angst, Duo POV, Language, Lemon, and Sap
Archived: Yep! Gundam Wing Addiction and TK Maxwell Original Christian and Yaoi Fiction
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. Bandai, Sotsu, Sunrise, and the original Japanese creators do. This story is a parody of their defined universe and is in no way an official continuation of the original story. I consider all underage characters engaging in sexual activity to be Emancipated Minors or social equivalents under military service. This story is for entertainment purposes only. It is a fantasy and should not be read as a realistic representation of actual romantic relationships. Content is not intended to condone or condemn any of the lifestyles or viewpoints portrayed through the characters. I make no money at this. I write only for the pleasure of feedback! This story was inspired by the song 'You'll Think Of Me' by Keith Urban.
When I awoke the next morning – at fucking four o'clock again – it was to find myself in Heero's arms, with our legs entangled and my head tucked against his chest. I felt like I would spontaneously combust as I tried to pull away, but he just muttered 'It's okay, Duo' and held me closer, stroking my back gently and sighing my name in what sounded like sleepy contentment. I didn't know what to think about it, so I just lay there for a while trying to figure out what to do. On one hand, I was mortified that he was lying there with me so intimately... like we were... like he could... I didn't want to think about that, so I went on to the other hand. It did feel good to know that he didn't mind being this close – seemed to want to be this close – after my behavior yesterday. It was a damn miracle that he hadn't just left. A year or two ago, he probably would have, so I was glad he was still here, even though part of me balked.
Okay, so I have some abandonment issues that fight against my need for self-sufficiency... get over it.
I argued with myself for a few minutes before finally giving up, my body relaxing against him gradually. I needed sleep, and if I could get some more this way I wasn't going to be stupid, no matter how humiliating it was. Heero tightened his hold as I shifted a little, and I couldn't help but wonder when he'd become so tactile. It was hard to believe he could be this comfortable with another person, especially someone so close to being one French fry short a Happy Meal at the moment. Heero had obviously changed. The emotionally-repressed soldier who had focused so much on completing his missions, trusting other people only so far as how they helped him meet his goals, had been replaced with an understanding man who had learned to let himself reach out to those he considered his friends. I was apparently one of those people, and it shocked the hell out of me how much that place deep inside of my heart that I'd managed to shut away ever since I was a kid actually wanted his care.
I'd never been that comfortable with my feelings, even before Hilde. I'd worked pretty damn hard to keep others at a safe distance with my witty humor and charm so I could protect myself. Hell, I'm not stupid. I know all of my own defense mechanisms – they're mine after all. Problem was, Heero wasn't allowing me to use them right now, and I felt threatened in a way that scared the shit out of me. Even though I was lonely, I couldn't let myself get used to having him around. I would be in the same situation I was now when he left down the road if I did. Hey, I knew the score; no one wanted to put up with my shit for long. Hilde had proven that, right?
That thought made me consider rolling away to put some much-needed distance between me and Heero – it was the easiest way for me to cope – but the memory of Heero sighing my name so contentedly filled my mind, reminding me that this wasn't just about me and how I felt. I didn't want to hurt him, and if I refused his help at this point, it would be like refusing him, and I just couldn't do that. He'd been through enough already, and since I hadn't been there for him when he'd needed me, I could at least let him help me a little to make him feel better. So, instead of giving into the instinct to push my bedmate away, I just closed my eyes and let myself fall back to sleep.
The next time I woke up, I was alone in bed. It made me wonder if I'd imagined the whole 'waking up beside Heero' thing until I rolled over and smelled him on the other pillow. It was strangely comforting to lie there with my face against the cool cotton, inhaling the unique mixture of sweat, Suave shampoo, and black tea that was Heero. A jolt of pure pleasure ran through me that his scent had lingered on my sheets like it belonged there. I was just about to snuggle into the pillow and go back to sleep when my mind seemed to come awake for the first time since last night, pointing out that Heero had been the reassuring warmth that had pulled out of that horrible dream I'd had.
My little moment of domestic bliss was shattered by embarrassment. I'd been so loud that Heero had not only come into the room to see what the hell my problem was, but he'd apparently stayed to keep me from falling into another damn dream. Even though the previous day had been pretty mortifying, being lost in the throes of a nightmare ranked even higher, and I suddenly wished that I could just hide under the covers for the rest of my life. I thought about going back to sleep to at least postpone me having to see Heero but then I looked at the clock. I was expecting only a couple of hours to have passed since the first time I'd rousted, but Heero's presence had allowed me to get more sleep at a single stretch during the night than I had in weeks - it was almost ten o'clock. I considered how getting more rest would help me regain my stability until I realized that I was trying to justify having Heero sleep in the bed with me. Sighing in exasperation, I threw off the covers and started to get up.
I suddenly thought of Mavis and wondered if she thought I was angry with her because I hadn't come in this morning. I didn't want to be the cause of her worrying for nothing, so I swallowed my pride and made my way into the living room. Heero was sitting on the couch, watching some documentary on twentieth century space exploration while sipping what I suspected was instant coffee. I pushed away the memory of being wrapped around him all night and sat down beside him. He turned towards me with a searching look on his face that had me rambling nervously before I could catch myself. "Hey, do you think we could go to the diner? If I don't show up, Mavis will worry, and I don't want her to think I'm mad because she made me eat yesterday. I mean, she didn't make me eat, but she brought it to me when I didn't order it, and even though I hugged her and everything before I left, you know how women can be, and I don't want her upset, so if we could go that would be great, since we need to eat anyway, and... "
Heero placed his hand over my mouth, smiling slightly. "Go get dressed while I shower."
I grinned at him, relieved beyond words that he wasn't going to argue with me. "Thanks, man." I got up and started for the bedroom, but then I thought about this morning again, and I couldn't just walk out without saying something. "And thanks... for last night too. I don't usually have nightmares like that. I'm sorry I woke you..."
"It's okay, Duo," he interrupted, echoing his words from this morning. "I didn't mind."
"You being there... helped." I could feel my face heating up at that admission.
"I'm glad," came his soft reply, and I felt like he had actually touched me with his voice. "If you need me, I don't mind sharing a bed. Just ask, okay?"
I suddenly needed to see his expression, to make sure that I wasn't imagining the emotion I was hearing in his words. I looked over my shoulder and caught a glimpse of longing in his eyes before it was quickly locked away, probably out of fear of how I'd react to seeing it. He wanted to help me so badly, but he knew that I wasn't completely willing to let him do it just yet, if ever. It made me ache, but it frightened me too. How could I let him get close enough to help me? He should know that it wasn't that easy. He'd been there too, right? He should understand how hard it was for me to let anyone through defenses that had been instilled in me from my days on the streets, no matter how much I needed the support he was offering. I was beginning to think that I really wanted to let him in, and I tried to not allow the panic I felt in acknowledging that overwhelm me. "Yeah... sure," I said shakily. "I might just do that."
He knew I wouldn't, but I had a feeling he wouldn't wait until I did. All I could do was hope I got a good grip on my psyche before he managed to get close enough to do damage when he walked away. He would get tired of dealing with me at some point, wouldn't he? Hilde sure as hell had, and I'd become a needy little son-of-a-bitch because of her rejection. I could at least admit that much to myself, and I knew I had to end this dependency on someone else before it destroyed me. I'd always been self-reliant, damn it! It was time I got back to being that way. Duo Maxwell was not some weak-minded idiot who couldn't live his own life. I was a helluva lot stronger that what I'd let myself become. With that thought, I went to find some clean clothes. The sooner I convinced Heero that I was all right, the sooner he could leave. It was the best thing I could do for our friendship. I couldn't take losing someone else I cared about, and if he tried to help me like he wanted to, he'd only end up hating me.
Being lonely wasn't excuse enough to ruin every friendship I'd ever had.
Fifteen minutes later, I was dressed and in the bathroom making sure I braided my hair properly. I'd be damned if I let it look the way it had for the past couple of weeks. I was still trying to decide if my clothes were all right. Heero had put on a green tee shirt and faded blue jeans before coming out of the bathroom after his shower, but even in those simple clothes, he looked good. Even though I knew he'd worn something to make me feel comfortable, I felt self-conscious of my own appearance now that I knew just how bad I'd let my body get. Then again, there was no way I could change that at the present, so I'd just have to settle for being clean and neat. My face flamed as I thought about how I must have looked to Mavis – rumpled clothes, unwashed hair, and obvious malnutrition. It all shouted 'street rat', and I didn't want her to think that about me... even if it had been true at more than one time in my life. I thought of Solo then and felt guilt take a bite out of my ass. Guilt could be a nasty beast sometimes.
'Once a street rat, always a street rat, and that ain't nothin' to be ashamed of, kid,' I imagined Solo saying.
I smirked. He'd always been a proud little shit. "Yeah, yeah, I know." I thought I heard a disdainful snort as I tied off my braid with a practiced motion. I hadn't thought about him in quite a while, and I grinned rakishly. Heero would have thought I was nuts as I calmly retorted, "But you're dead, and you don't have to deal with someone looking down on you now, asshole."
I could almost see him flipping me off, that dangerous look in his eyes that had always preceded some roughhousing between the two of us. We had both been kids, but he'd seemed so much older and wiser in a lot of things. I could imagine his smart-ass reply to that, but it was how I'd felt back then. The other street rats had been my family, and losing them had helped make me into Shinigami. Most of my bravado had come from doing what I'd thought Solo would have done in my situation. Sometimes I'd felt like his damn ghost had been by my side during the rougher choices I’d had to make. If he had, I hoped he was proud of me.
I had regrets – you don't fight two wars without having them – but the one that tore me apart was not being able to save him and the other people I had loved in my life. My only consolation was that they had become my reasons for fighting for what I thought was right, so their deaths had resulted in peace. Solo probably would have gotten a real kick out of that, but I had a feeling Sister Helen and Father Maxwell wouldn't have agreed with my actions, no matter what the outcome. I could only hope that they understood that my love for them had helped me to fight for a world that they had prayed would exist someday. I smiled at that, holding onto their memory for a few seconds before I took a deep breath, turned away from the mirror, and walked towards the living room.
My mind quickly reverted to thoughts of the clothes I was wearing. I'd managed to dig out a plain blue tee shirt and a pair of tan cargo pants that were older and didn't bag too much on me. It was the best I could do for now, but hey, almost anything was an improvement at this point considering what I'd been wearing the past few weeks. I reminded myself again that I needed to do laundry, but then dismissed that idea when I realized that most of my clothes wouldn't fit me anymore. I would have to buy some to tide me over while I gained back some weight.
Heero looked at me from what I already thinking of as 'his place' on the couch as I came to stand by it. His eyes raked over me, and I know my face turned red as he smiled in obvious approval. "Ready?" He asked simply.
"Yeah. Maybe Mavis won't have to force-feed me today," I retorted, trying to keep my awkwardness hidden.
Heero snorted as he stood up. "I think I've developed your appetite. I'm starving."
I laughed. "Maybe you just stole it from me," I teased. "I want it back, damn it!" I shoved his shoulder playfully in an attempt to rid myself of this stupid embarrassment. Shit, this was Heero! This was the guy I'd fought two wars with. He didn't care about how I looked. Well, he cared, but... oh hell, you know what I mean.
He tugged on my braid as he gave me an oddly affectionate look. "You're the master thief. If you want it so damn bad, take it back."
I shook my head at him, smiling sheepishly. It was surprising that we were kidding around like this after how things had been just yesterday. I could tell he was watching me for signs of... I don't know... instability? Inability to cope? Desire to take a rifle on top of a building and start picking off the public? That last one had never entered my mind, thank God, but I could understand his concern. I think he was trying to pull me back from the edge of whatever dark place he'd found me in. The only problem was that Heero's humor and openness was knocking me off balance. Still, it also made me realize that he was trying to help me feel more comfortable around him. That only strengthened my sudden resolve to quit analyzing everything and just let him be my friend... at least for now. That shouldn't be too hard, right? I decided that I had to try for my own good as we headed out the door.
It didn't take long to get to the diner. As the bell jingled our arrival, I watched Chloe give us a curious look before yelling out, "Mavis! Call off the search party. Your young man just showed up... with someone just as cute as him."
My face flamed and I sneaked a glance at Heero to see his reaction. He blinked at the woman, not really knowing how to take her comment, I think. I quickly grabbed his hand and led us to a table, not giving him a chance to think about it too much. I could tell that he was shocked, but there seemed to be an odd sense of something that I couldn't identify, but made me nervous for some reason. We sat down, and I tried to busy myself with looking at the menu instead of at my friend in the seat across from me. It only worked for a few seconds.
"Duo?"
I sighed and looked up to see Heero giving me a concerned look. "Yeah?" I answered hesitantly.
"Some older woman is heading our way with a really pissed-off expression on her face. Should I be afraid?"
It was so absurd for him to say something like that I couldn't help the snicker that escaped me. Before I could reassure him though, a familiar voice sounded next to the table.
"Well, you certainly look better than you did yesterday, baby boy. I guess I'll have to forgive you for worrying me, though Lord knows you need a good smack to that head of yours for it."
I chanced a look to see how upset Mavis was with me only to find her looking at Heero. Relieved that her attention was on someone else even if she was ranting at me, I just grinned and said in a cheerful voice, "Mavis, this is Heero. He's staying with me... " I bit off 'for a while', not wanting Heero to know I wasn't planning on him moving in for good. "Heero, this is Mavis, my mother hen waitress."
Mavis sniffed in a way that reminded me of Relena. "Well, the way you've looked lately, you've needed one."
I flushed and ducked my head. "I know, I know. Don't remind me." I looked back up to see her eyes flicking from me to Heero and back. "You don't have to worry so much now. Heero and I go way back, and he'll make sure I take care of myself." I felt kind of odd saying that with Heero right there, but I wanted to ease Mavis' mind.
She looked at Heero again, dark eyes assessing him. "You think you can handle him?" She asked pointedly.
"If I can't, there's no one else who can," Heero replied evenly, but I noticed a glint in his eyes that made my heart skip a beat. My face reddened again at the implication. Was he planning on adopting me or what?
Mavis nodded in approval. "Good. Glad to see that he has someone who will treat him right. It's so hard to find the right person sometimes." She looked at me again. "You hold onto this one, Duo. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders... and good taste."
Could my face get any hotter? "Um... well... it's not like..."
"It's okay, baby boy. I have an open mind. Anyone can tell how he feels from the way he looks at you." Mavis laughed at the stunned expression on my face and added rather coyly, "And I think the feeling is mutual."
I dared to look at Heero and found his face as red as mine. I couldn't tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. "Mavis, listen, it's not..."
She waved me off. "Don't worry about it. What can I get you boys to eat?"
I took a deep breath and just dropped the subject. Heero could yell at me all he wanted to later. "Coffee and whatever it was you brought me yesterday."
Mavis winked at me and then turned to Heero. He didn't hesitate to answer, "Pancakes with sausage links and orange juice, please."
"All right, sweetie. You two enjoy your time together, and I'll have it out as soon as I can."
I watched her flounce off towards Conrad the cook, waiting for Heero to explode at her audacity. I was surprised when he finally spoke.
"She's very nice."
I looked at him, unsure of that statement. "You're not... angry?"
He blinked at me. "Why should I be?"
"Heero, she just assumed that you and I... that we... you know." I didn't want to spell it out anymore than that.
Heero shrugged. "Doesn't bother me." He paused and then gave me a considering look. "Unless it bothers you. If so, I can tell her as soon as she comes back... "
"No!" I almost yelled, not really knowing why I didn't want him to do it. I looked away, feeling my face go supernova again. "Sorry, I just mean... it's okay."
"Then let's not worry about it," he replied. "It's kind of nice to think someone would assume I was with you."
I snorted. "I'm not exactly a prize here, Yuy."
Heero's eyes locked onto mine, a fierceness in them that made me shiver. "Anyone in their right mind would love to be with you, Duo. Don't let Hilde make you feel worthless the way Relena did me. We both deserve to be loved, not cast aside when it's no longer convenient."
I didn't know what to say to that. I certainly hadn't known that Relena had hurt him so much. I'd thought that Heero had just stepped aside when Relena had found the man she'd married, but it seemed that it had been harder than that for him to let her go – even if he hadn't been in love with her. Then again, Heero didn't allow that many people to get close to him, so I could understand why it had been so painful. The former Gundam pilots and a few others were the only friends he had. The betrayal he must have felt when he'd expected her to remain constant in her affections had probably been devastating. Before I could come up with a suitable reply to his words, Mavis returned with our drinks. Not only did she have coffee for me, but a big glass of orange juice to match Heero's. I gave her a scowl, but she just smiled, patted my shoulder, and walked away.
"I swear she gets more like Sister Helen every day. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was that nun reincarnated," I mumbled as I sipped on my juice.
Heero laughed. "It's funny how someone can remind you of another person sometimes." He paused for a moment, his face becoming shadowed. "It's sad when there's no one else that can take a person's place too."
I could hear a world of pain in his voice, and I reached out to touch his hand without even thinking. I forced myself not to jerk away when he took hold of it, twining our fingers together. That contact brought to mind something that I hadn't thought much about the day before when he'd said it. I found it extremely puzzling at the moment. "You said you were in love with someone else before you got with Relena. Who was she?"
Heero took a deep breath, looking away again. "Not she. He."
I did some kind of deer-caught-in-the-headlights impression. He? Heero had been in love with another guy? I had never even considered that possibility. "I didn't think you swung that way," I blurted, kicking myself for it as soon as it left my mouth. Way to go, Maxwell! Make him feel even more uncomfortable than he already is about it.
"I didn't either until I met him," he said with a little smile, giving me a fleeting look. "He made me see things differently than I ever had before."
I nodded, trying to make him feel like I understood when I wasn't quite sure I did. Part of me was jealous – jealous that he'd known that feeling without being in a relationship when I hadn't while being in one. Yeah, I'd loved Hilde, but I could see now that what we'd had left a helluva lot to be desired. "I'm sorry that you couldn't make it work."
"I never told him how I felt," he replied, sighing heavily before taking another swig of juice.
"Why the hell not?" I asked rather hotly. It was one thing to want someone and be rejected. It was an entirely different thing to not even give the person a chance. Pot calling the kettle black? Yeah, well, shut up.
Heero gripped my fingers a little tighter. I hadn't even realized he was still holding them. "I told you. He was with someone else. I couldn't let him know. He's available now, but..." He just shook his head.
My mind went back to all of the guys we'd known during both wars. I tried to think of anyone who would fit in that category... and came up with three likely candidates. Two of them didn't seem probable because Heero had gone to them for help, and even he isn't that much of a masochist to deal with the relationship of the one he loved being shoved in his face in such a friendly manner. The third possibility kind of made sense though. I decided to see if I could verify it without actually letting him know what I suspected.
"Are you afraid he isn't interested in other guys?"
He shrugged. "He was with a woman, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is opposed to men."
I nodded at that. Odd, I didn't know Wufei and Sally had broken up. "True. He might swing both ways."
"Do you? Swing both ways, I mean?"
Blue eyes regarded me with trepidation, and I could tell my answer was somehow important to him. "I don't know. Never been with another guy to find out." I could tell my face was doing its spontaneous combustion trick again. Hell, my experience with women had been rather limited. Of course, I wasn't going to tell him that.
"No practical knowledge here either," he added, his own cheeks tinged with what I supposed was embarrassment at admitting that. "I just know how he makes me feel when I'm with him."
His expression made him look so young and unsure, and I felt better about him being here since I knew he wouldn't think less of me for how I was handling my own situation. "You should tell him," I heard myself say, while my mind screamed at me, 'Are you crazy? He could really be hurt if he did that'. My reasonable side knew I shouldn't tell him to take that kind of chance, but the hopeful side of me couldn't stand that wistful look in his eyes. "I'm sure he'd at least consider it." That much was probably true. Who wouldn't consider having Heero for a lover?
He gave me another one of those searching looks. "You really think so? Even if he does like guys, it doesn't mean he'd want me. Besides, I don't know if he's ready for another relationship."
It was nice to be talking about someone else's problems for a while, and I found myself trying to reassure him. Apparently, my sarcastic pessimism only extends to my own love life. "You can only ask, right? Besides, he'd probably appreciate you being there for him." I know I did, even if I didn't tell Heero.
"Don't relationships that begin during a disaster usually end up becoming one?" Heero asked with a raised eyebrow.
I chuckled at that. I could tell he was trying to lead us away from the seriousness of the moment, maybe afraid it would make me think of Hilde. I was surprised that it hadn't really bothered me discussing the prospect of love with him. I cared about Heero a lot. If he could be happy, I was all for it. "Well, yeah, but you've beaten the odds in everything else, so why not go for it?"
He smiled, shaking his head at my enthusiasm, I guess. "I'll think about it."
It was then that Mavis brought our food. I happily devoured what was on my plate, my face flushing slightly at the pleased look my mother-hen waitress gave me when she walked by later. What was even worse was seeing Heero give me that same look when I dared to glance at him. I complained, and he laughed, but I felt some of the tension fade. I decided to keep the good mood going.
"Hey, do you mind going with me to get a few new clothes after we get done here?"
"Not at all," Heero replied without hesitation. "I need another pair of jeans myself."
I smiled. "Cool. I'm not going to buy much. Just stuff to tide me over until I gain my weight back." It seemed odd to not be dreading the shopping thing. I'd always hated it with Hilde because she took too damn long to pick shit out. I knew Heero wouldn't be like that, and it made the whole idea a lot less painful.
We took our time eating. It was about an hour later when Mavis came back around with the bill, assuring us that we could stay there as long as we wanted. I knew I needed to thank her, but I didn't know how to begin. Finally, I just stood up and hugged her. "Thanks, Mavis. I owe you for looking after me."
She patted my arm soothingly when she pulled away. "You don't owe me anything, baby boy, except to be happy." She glanced over at Heero then back at me. "I do expect to see the both of you in here regularly though." Smiling, she leaned closer to me. "There's nothing wrong with needing him, Duo. Don't be afraid of letting him in."
I knew my face was redder than the tablecloth. "I'll try," I mumbled, wondering why I felt like I'd just been given her blessing as far as Heero and I were concerned. Hell, we weren't even together... that way. Besides, he was in love with Wufei. Or at least, I thought it was Wufei. Even if I was wrong, it was obvious that Heero couldn't feel that way about yours truly. I blinked at my own thoughts; uncomfortable with the ache I felt. I didn't want him to feel that way about me, right? I was still hurting over Hilde. I couldn't begin a serious relationship with anyone yet. Shaking my head to clear it, I gave Mavis a bright smile. "We'll see you soon."
"You'd better," she replied with a grin and then walked away.
I looked at Heero and sighed. "Ready to go?"
He nodded and followed as I led us out of the diner towards the second-hand store on Seventh. I noticed that he was deep in thought and hoped that it wasn't anything caused by Mavis' little assumption. Pulling my thoughts away from where those musings would take me, I focused on getting to 'OnceAround The Block'. They had decent stuff at reasonable prices, and since I wouldn't be wearing these clothes long, I didn't want to spend a lot on them. I felt right at home as we entered the dimly lit shop. Heero was close behind me as I walked over to one of the tee shirt racks. I looked through them and then headed over to the jeans section. I sort of bumped into someone else who was making his way to the counter. Great, I had become uncoordinated as well as depressed.
"Sorry, man," I told him, not even looking to see who it was.
"Maxwell? Is that you?"
I cringed as I recognized the voice of one of my former employees. I turned to see the redhead giving me a disbelieving look. "Hey, Cole," I greeted, plastering a grin on my face. "How's it going?"
"Shit, Duo! You look like hell. What the fuck happened to you?"
A true scrap man, Cole swore even more than I did. He was a few years older than me, but he'd worked under my supervision better than most men his age would have. I was glad to see him... really... I just wished that it had happened before my little breakdown. Wished that I could find something to say without being utterly humiliated now that he'd seen me like this. Wished I could just go back home. Cole stood there, his green eyes taking in my frail-looking body, and all I could do was stare back. How do you explain losing your mind because your lover walked out on you to a man who thought you could walk on water? The guys at the yard had always idolized me, and I could tell that image was getting ready to take a serious beating. It shouldn't have mattered to me, but it did.
"Duo has been ill," Heero stepped in smoothly. I hadn't even heard him come up behind me. That really pissed me off. Where the hell had all of my instincts gone? Since when did anyone sneak up on Shinigami? I was the stealth expert, damn it! What the fuck was wrong with me?
I felt Heero place his hand on the small of my back in a comforting gesture, obviously sensing my agitation. It should have pissed me off more, but I felt myself relax a little instead. I caught sight of Cole's reaction to Heero's words and body language, seeing him jump to the same conclusion that Mavis had, and wondered why everyone thought Heero's actions towards me were more than that of a friend.
"Who the hell are you?" Cole asked, giving Heero a good once-over. I winced at his tone.
"Heero," my new roommate informed him as he stuck out the hand that wasn't currently on my back. "I'm an old friend who's staying with Duo now."
Cole looked at me. "Is that true, Duo? This guy living with you?"
What could I do? I moved closer to Heero, gracing Cole with one of my patented grins. "Yeah. We go way back. He came to visit, and just in time too. I was in a pretty bad way." I felt a little of the tension fade. Okay, I could do this. Just be vague. No harm in that. Nothing I'd said was a lie, and Heero was there to back me up.
"Throwing up is never good on a person's body," Heero went on, taking up where I'd left off. "I'm sure he'll be okay now that he's getting proper meals again."
I had to give the man credit; Heero had managed to explain the situation without embarrassing me. He hadn't lied either, which made me feel better. He even seemed to understand the nuances between lying and stretching the truth. I felt some of my confidence come back. "Yeah. I guess there are worse things than Hilde's cooking," I drawled, smirking. I noticed the subtle shift of Heero's expression, just a hint of surprise, and my smirk turned into a real smile. "Heero, this is Cole, one of the guys from the yard." I looked back at Cole. "Heero is much better at the cooking thing, so I should be back to my imposing self soon."
Cole laughed, finally accepting the situation. "Imposing? Well, I wouldn't say that," he teased.
"Hey, I might be a wiry son-of-a-bitch, but I could take you, Adams, and don't forget it!" I hadn't realized how much I'd missed the guys until that moment. I needed to quit hiding in my apartment. They were still my friends, and even if Hilde had told them a bunch of shit, that didn't mean they had believed her.
The redhead grinned. "Right now, Walsh could take you. You'd better get back in shape or I'll tell him how bad you look so he can kick your ass. You still owe him twenty on that pool game you lost."
I felt my old humor reasserting itself. "You tell that little bastard that I'm not paying him a damn credit. I won that last round of shots. He's just a pissy loser who can't hold his liquor."
Cole shrugged, but I knew the message would get through to Walsh. He looked at me for a moment and then turned serious. "It's good to see you out and about, Duo. We were afraid the whole mess with Hilde had done a number on you, man. You'll have to come around to Benny's some night so the guys know you're doing all right."
Ouch. Why don't you just pour some salt in the wound while you're at it, asshole? The only thing that saved the idiot from a rather unpleasant reply was the invitation to the bar where we'd always hung out together. "Sure thing," I told him as I felt Heero's hand tighten on my back. I realized that I'd practically ignored him for the last couple of minutes and added quickly, "Hope you guys won't mind Heero coming along. He's not as entertaining as Hilde, but he has his good points." Cole raised an eyebrow and I wanted to bite my own tongue. What the hell was I saying? That sounded... oh well, we'd clear up that little misunderstanding later if we went to the bar. I'd have to explain to Heero to stop doing the concerned hovering thing so people would quit thinking we were... well, you know.
Cole gave Heero another measuring look before he clapped me on the back. "No problem. It will be good to talk shop. We miss you at the yard, man. Mark does a decent job, but he's not you, and when Hilde gets in her moods, it's worse than when you were there. At least you didn't flaunt your relationship the way they... "
I could tell he hadn't meant to say that from the way his face reddened suddenly. I tried to act nonchalant. "Oh? She's with Mark now?" I asked, a helluva lot more calmly than I felt. I thought my stomach was getting ready to do that whole heaving thing again as I tried to hold onto my breakfast.
"Shit! She's going to kill me when she finds out I... "
I felt Heero step a little closer, offering support. At that moment, I was just too upset to accept it. I took a step towards Cole and asked pointedly. "How long?"
Cole looked away. "Duo, it ain't my place... "
"How long?" I growled out. I could feel emotions coiling inside so strongly it frightened me. Anger? You bet. Hurt? Maybe a little of that too. Betrayal? Oh, hell yeah!
"All I know is that it didn't take long for them to get together after you left... but that doesn't mean..." He just shut up when he saw my expression, which probably resembled my wartime battle face. I didn't envy him being on the receiving end of that.
Well, shit. Talk about being blind-sided. Had she wanted to be with Mark but hadn't had the guts to tell me? Or did it happen after we broke up? All of the possibilities just seemed to whirl in my head, and I suddenly needed to be elsewhere. I took another step, towards the door this time, but then felt a constraining hand on my arm.
"Duo, it's in the past," Heero said. I realized that it was in that soothing voice he had been using the past few days when I was on the edge of losing it.
"The hell it is!" I almost shouted, jerking away from him. "She lied to me, Heero! She fucking lied! When she left, she said there wasn't anyone else. She said it was just because we weren't what each other needed." I clenched my fists. "I guess so. She apparently needed Mark fucking Wilson!"
"Duo," Cole began, but I shook my head at him. He'd seen me mad before enough to know not to continue.
I took a deep breath, noticing the guy at the counter giving us an uneasy look. Nope, wasn't going to do this here. "Cole, tell the guys I said 'hey'. I'll try to meet you at Benny's. Right now, I need to get out of here before I... "
I just stalked off, not caring what he or anyone else thought. My mind was occupied with Hilde. How could she walk away from me like that, knowing she was walking into someone else's arms? Had it all been a lie? Had she ever cared for me? I thought about when she'd risked her life during the first war. Okay, she had to have cared for me then to do that, but what had changed? Why hadn't she been honest with me? I could take a lot of things, but someone lying to me wasn't one of them. I could never trust that person again once they did it. She knew that.
I heard a familiar voice call out my name as I reached the apartment building. I didn't stop because I knew Heero would follow me. I climbed the two flights of stairs, hearing his steps echoing mine as I headed down the hallway. Unlocking the door, I left it open for him as I entered the apartment. Sure, I could have locked him out, but the part of me that wasn't consumed with anger wanted him there in case I did something stupid. During the war, there had been times when I would go into a rage in the middle of a battle, letting all of the pain and bitterness control me as I killed my enemies. This felt like one of those times, and I was a little afraid of what I might do.
I stalked into the kitchen to get a soda and froze as my eyes landed on the dish-drainer. The set of wine glasses we had bought right after she'd moved in were drying there. I went blank as I began yelling, "Fucking, son-of-a-bitch! Was I that easy to leave behind, Hilde? That easy to replace? Did you ever really want me?" I heard noises in the distance, shattering sounds that made me think of a heart breaking. I could feel my body moving but I had no idea what I was doing. Only the angry words I was shouting were real. "I gave you everything I had, everything I was, and it wasn't enough. I became someone I hated, and it wasn't enough! Well, fuck you, Hilde! Take your damn cat! Leave my sweater you used to wear on cold nights! Throw my fucking heart away like it's trash! I don't need you anymore! I'll get over you. I swear I will!"
When I regained my senses, I was standing in the middle of the floor, broken glass all over the place at my feet, and Heero in the doorway looking at me like a potential threat. "Duo?"
This was what I'd been avoiding. This was what my mind had tried to protect me from happening. This was the depression that was waiting to pull me down into the depths of hell if I let it. I wasn't strong enough on my own to resist. I needed help. "Please." I didn't know what I was asking for, but I knew I had just reached my limit.
Heero had promised to be here for me, and damn it, I needed him at that moment more than I needed my next breath. He stood there, staring for another heartbeat, and then carefully made his way across the glass-strewn tile. When he was close enough, he gently took my arm and led me out of the kitchen. Once in the living room, he sat us down on the couch and proceeded to pull me into his arms. I didn't fight it. I was just too tired to do anything but cling to him. I continued my rant from the kitchen, giving voice to the feelings inside me for the first time since Hilde had walked out the door.
"Nothing I ever did was enough," I began, shaking like a leaf from the intensity of my emotions. "I tried. God knows I tried, Heero. When we had sex, I gave and gave and gave, and all she did was take." I knew I was going to be embarrassed as hell at saying these things to him, but I had to do this. "I was so clumsy and awkward sometimes with her because she made me feel like I wasn't doing things right. I thought that making love was what mattered, but she always wanted the rough play, never the tenderness I wanted to give her. Heero, I needed to know that she loved me... that she wanted me as a person... that what pleased me was important to her, but she just... " The tears that I had kept locked inside finally broke free, and I sobbed into his chest as he pulled us down onto the couch.
"It's okay. Let it out, Duo. No one can keep this much pain inside. I know how it feels. It's okay."
I let him hold me, let him whisper reassurances over and over again; let him rub his hands up and down my back in that comforting gesture I was beginning to accept. I told him about how she used to make fun of how I looked when I came. I told him how she used to joke about being the 'man' in our relationship, even around the guys at work. I told him about all of it, every damn hurt that she'd caused. I was exhausted as hell when I finally pulled away from him and sat up on the couch. Heero grabbed a tissue from the end table and handed it to me. I gave him a weak smile as I wiped my eyes and then blew my nose.
"If someone really loves you, they don't act the way Hilde did," Heero began, his voice gentle yet firm. "Loving someone means that you accept them for who they are, their good points and limitations, while giving yourself in return. It means that their needs and wants are just as important as your own, Duo. Anything less is not love."
I looked at him from under my bangs, feeling embarrassed that I'd lost it like that; yet I was relieved that he wasn't dismissing my reasons for being hurt and angry. "I know I'm not easy to live with, Heero. I must have gotten on her nerves a lot. I certainly drove you guys crazy at times during the war. You really think it wasn't something I... "
"No." The answer didn't allow any argument so I shut the hell up. Heero reached out and took my hand. "I know you, Duo Maxwell. There isn't anyone I've met who is more willing to sacrifice his own happiness to make those around him feel better. All through the war, you ignored your own pain and helped all of us get over ours. You made us laugh even when you were being torn apart inside." He gave me one of those affectionate looks again. "You need someone who wants to be there for you as much as you are for them. You deserve that, Duo."
I looked into his warm blue eyes and wondered when Heero Yuy had paid that much attention to me as a person. During the wars, I'd thought he only saw me as a soldier, a fellow pilot, and an ally. During peace, I'd become a friend, but we hadn't ever been close. I realized now that he knew me better than I knew him, and it bothered me, even though it made me feel less alone. I thought about how Heero shouldn't be wasting his time with me when he could be with the guy he loved, but I didn't want him to leave either. The need to have him with me was almost as strong as the need to let him go. Almost.
"Heero, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up, but you can't stay here just to look after me. You need to go and tell the guy you love how you feel. Don't let your fear for me keep you from going."
Surprise filled his eyes before he said, "Duo, nothing is more important than me helping you right now."
I gave him a level look. "Your happiness is... at least to me."
He smiled and brushed my bangs out of my eyes. "It can wait. You know I can't move onto a new mission until my old one is completed."
I shook my head at his attempt at levity. "Heero... "
"I want to stay, Duo," he replied plaintively. "Please, let me."
Sighing in defeat, I nodded. "Okay... just for a while longer though. I think the worst is over." That hopeful part of me jumped up and down inside because he was staying. I was beginning to believe it was the child I'd tried to hide in my heart so I could survive the streets. I guess he felt it was about damn time he had just as much say in my life as the God of Death had.
Heero moved closer to me, placing his hand on my jaw, fingers brushing over my cheek. It took me by surprise, and I shivered at the touch. "For as long as you'll let me, I'll be here," he whispered before leaning forward.
My heart began pounding as his face neared. He wasn't going to... he couldn't want to... and then his lips met mine, and I was lost in it. Equal measure of softness and passion assaulted my senses as his mouth moved in sweeping motions, caressing my lips intimately. I responded with the same fervor, allowing his tongue inside to meet my own. I'd never had a kiss like this. I could feel the effects of it all over my body, especially in a certain place that hadn't seen any action in months. I put my arms around his shoulders as he slid his around my waist, both of us tilting our faces to deepen the exploration. It felt damn nice. I actually growled in complaint when he pulled away, making my face light up like a neon sign because I had wanted to keep going. I could see fear in Heero's eyes as he sat back a little, and it dawned on me that he'd just taken a huge chance doing that. If I hadn't liked it, the results would have been anything from cussing him out to beating the shit out of him. At the moment, I didn't know what to say except to state the obvious.
"Well, I guess that means I swing both ways," I blurted out, blushing furiously.
His hesitant expression melted into amusement, breaking the tense moment. "I guess so."
"Why did you kiss me?" Again, my mouth was engaging before my brain could stop it.
Heero looked down at his hands, obviously flustered. "I've learned to follow my emotions, and I just wanted... " He paused and I could tell he'd changed what he had been about to say. At least one of us could do that. "It seemed like the right thing to do. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself just because Hilde didn't see what she had with you. I wanted you to see that someone could want to be that way with you just because you're you."
I should have been uncomfortable with him after snogging for America like that, but it had felt so good I couldn't bring myself to feel bad about it. I had needed it, and although it had shocked the hell out of me, it had helped to wash away the residual anger and hurt I'd been feeling over the latest Hilde development. In fact, the kiss made my heart realize what my head and body had been saying all along.
I was going to get over Hilde.
Knowing that Heero had meant the kiss as comfort made it easier to deal with. I couldn't help but think that Wufei, or whoever the hell the guy Heero wanted was, certainly was going to enjoy kissing him. My body flushed with heat again at the memory, and I knew I had to try to get my mind off of the encounter.
"Just don't do it again or I'll tell your new boyfriend when you visit next time." What? Like I was his old boyfriend?
Heero smirked, taking my threat in stride. "I'll remember that. No molesting Duo, or he'll tell on me."
I punched him in the arm, relieved that he wasn't upset at what I'd said. "Bastard."
He grinned, an entirely new expression for him. "What do you say we order in some pizza, kick back, and watch anime, or a movie... or something?"
I grinned back just as wickedly. "No gay porn, Heero. You're not going to take advantage of my fragile state."
He chuckled then. "Fragile state? Hell, even in this condition, you'd have me pinned in less than a second if I tried something you didn't like." He left off that I'd probably like everything he'd do, and I appreciated that courtesy.
Before my imagination could provide me with visuals of pinning Heero under me in interesting ways, I got up and headed for the kitchen. "I'll clean up my mess while you order."
There was silence for a moment before he answered back. "Roger that. Pepperoni okay?"
I hesitated at the door. "Yeah, that's fine," I told him, watching him sit there for a few seconds before he got up to grab the phone. The expression on his face had been... disappointed? Frustrated? I couldn't tell for sure, but as I snagged the broom and dustpan to sweep up the evidence of my temper tantrum, I decided to do everything I could to make Heero's stay as enjoyable as possible. Images filled my mind of how I could do that in ways that would be pleasant for both of us, but I quickly pushed them away. No, we were just friends. I had to concentrate on being there for him, supporting him the way he'd been supporting me, as he got ready to tell the man he loved how he felt.
Now if I could just keep my mind off that kiss, the rest would be easy.
End Part 2
(:./tk/nltw2)
