29-Mar-2000
The shuttle ride to L2 was the longest of Heero's life. Each moment chipped away at his chances of reaching Duo before it was too late. A small voice in the quiet of his heart dared ask 'Too late for what?' To say goodbye? No, Duo -couldn't- die. He wouldn't let it happen. To have come so far, to have survived the war, only to lose Duo now... He refused to accept the possibility; death could not take the one who was so alive.
The hospital was like any other - cold, sterile and soulless. White walls and blank faces hiding deep wells of pain and suffering... Heero hated hospitals for that very reason - soul-killing emotions - fear and regret, sometimes even guilt and remorse, seem to resound off the very walls, echoing endlessly like reflections in opposing glass mirrors...
His footsteps echoed hollowly, each step bringing him closer to Duo. He hadn't told Duo's lover that he was on his way, and he cared little how Wufei might receive him. It simply wasn't the time to let the past get in the way of the future, especially not when Duo's life hung in the balance.
The Chinese man was in the ICU, slumped down in a chair by the bed, and he looked up wearily as Heero walked in. "You're here," he observed simply, seeming not at all surprised. He rose, a token gesture of politeness, then his gaze followed Heero's down to the pale figure lying so still on the bed.
Alive... yet so close to death...
A multitude of tubes ran in and out of the pale, still body; pumping blood, nutrients, fluids and medicines into Duo's veins, pushing oxygen into Duo's lungs, extracting wastes from a body that could no longer respond to external stimuli.
More dead than alive...
The lovely, elfin face was badly bruised and swollen almost beyond recognition, his head heavily bandaged, his long, glorious gold-streaked, chestnut mane... gone...
"They had to shave it off to take care of his head injury," Wufei said quietly, somehow understanding the raw disbelief that crept into Heero's cobalt eyes. Duo's ever-present braid that had seemed as permanent, as eternal as the earth itself... now gone... an intimate, cruel violation...
Heero reached out to gently touch Duo's hand, unnerved by its coldness and its pallor... so lifeless. He did not even dare pick up Duo's hand and hold it to his cheek like he so wanted to in case he disturbed the complex system of tubes entering the thin veins that stood out starkly against the now translucent skin. "How is he?"
"Barely holding on, even with life support." Wufei's voice was calm, steady... and so distant that it was like listening to an automaton repeat a series of horrifying facts.
Duo... so cold and silent... the slow and horrifyingly irregular blips on the machine monitoring Duo's heart rate the only proof that Duo lived still. Barely... "What happened?"
"He pushed a little girl and her puppy out of the way of an out-of-control trailer, and got hit instead." How frightening - so very cold and dead - Wufei's voice sounded, even to Heero. "He went flying... The broken bones will heal. The internal injuries and the brain damage are much less certain. He may regain consciousness if the swelling goes down, if it doesn't, then he may die without ever coming out of the coma."
"What are the doctors doing?"
"Waiting," Wufei replied with devastating simplicity. "They've done everything they can. All we can do now is wait... "
Wait?! Wait and watch this beautiful one die slowly? But how... surely the doctors could do something... anything to keep Duo alive until... Until...
Until what, Heero, his oft-believed dead conscience demanded. Until you find the courage to face up to what you've always known but refused to acknowledge - that Duo means more than life to you?
He does not! The line of Heero's jaw tightened, as did his grip on Duo's lifeless fingers. He means -nothing- to me. I do not -need- anyone. I do not need Duo! He swallowed hard, then turned away to avoid looking at his dying friend.
Seeing Duo so close to death... it was as if some part deep within him was dying too... He did not think he could bear the stark, aching pain resounding with loss... and in typical form, Heero retreated away from introspection into the realm of the physical, the realm of things he could touch, things he could control...
His eyes searched the sterile room, then strayed to the bedside table, to Duo's cell phone, to the blood-splattered envelope under the phone... to his name written on the envelope in Duo's hand. Letting go of Duo's hand, he moved over to the table and picked up the envelope. The seal was intact; he could feel from the thickness of it that there was at least a piece of paper sealed within the envelope.
"For me?" he held out the envelope, as if asking for permission.
"It's got your name on it," Wufei shrugged uncaringly. "It was in Duo's jacket pocket when he got hit by the trailer."
It explained the blood, Heero thought as he carefully opened the envelope and extracted the letter, slowly unfolding it - but certainly not the occasional spots of partly blotted ink on the page, as if Duo had accidentally spilled some water on the page...
Dearest Heero,Perhaps the only reason I dare write this is because you will never see it. It'll be just like all the other notes I've written... that I will seal in an envelope and take to the post office... place a stamp on it... then drop into a storm drain and let the waters carry it God knows where...
It will be the last, I've promised myself, because you'll be getting married in four days... That's when this hope will officially die. The love will always be there, but you'll never know it now. It's hard to let go, even though it shouldn't be the case. How hard can it be to let go of something you've never had?
I guess I just needed one last chance to express something, get it all out of my system hours before I step on that flight that will take me to your wedding. Can't risk blurting it out and letting my pain get the better of your happiness. Not that you'll leave Relena for me (wouldn't it be wonderful if you did?) but I have no intention of tarnishing your perfect joy. At least this way, I'll still have your friendship.
The friendship that has cost me happiness. I have always, and will always, value your friendship, but sometimes, I wonder whether keeping it was worth the price I will ultimately pay. You don't know I love you because I never told you... because I was afraid to lose your friendship if you did not want to accept my love. It was my decision, Heero, and I guess I'll always have to live with the consequences of that choice. Was it the right decision? Doesn't matter, I suppose. It's too late now for regrets.
The friendship was fun while it lasted. Remember the insane things I use to do just to get a reaction from you - I was usually hoping for a smile but the standard 'Omae o korosu' did just fine too once I got used to it. It's not like that any more between us, and I miss it. Should I be glad we've been living worlds apart for the past two years since the war ended? It gave me time to get over you - except that I probably forgot to send the memo to my heart and it overlooked that small point - so I'm still as much in love with you as I was that day when I first realized that you had become so much more than a friend.
Too late. Yes I know. Perhaps I should have actually sent off one of those earlier notes - to hell with your friendship, what I really wanted was your love... Who knows how things might have worked out then? But it's too late now. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll come to believe it too someday.
I really do want you to be happy. I'm sorry it's not with me, but I'm not sorry -for- you, only for myself. Misery loves company - maybe that's why Wufei and I are so good for each other. No expectations, no hopes, it's a lousy way to live, Heero... At least it's not that way for you any more...
I'll go to your wedding, stand beside you and watch you pledge your life and love to her, and I'll smile and laugh with the rest of the world. You'll never know my heart is breaking, you'll never know I love you.
I love you, Heero. I just wanted to say that one last time before I say goodbye.
Forever yours,
Duo
The blots... not water, but tears...
Blazing cobalt blue eyes never left the letter as he reread the note, paying especial attention to . "When did the accident happen?" he asked his Chinese friend, his voice deadly quiet.
Wufei's eyes narrowed. "Three days ago."
"When exactly?"
"Noon. We were on the way to catch the shuttle for Earth, but Duo wanted to make a quick stop. I was waiting in the car for him; he was crossing the road when the trailer came careening around the corner towards the little girl... that's when it happened... Duo... Duo was on his way to the post office... "
End Part 2
(:./danyale/reclaim2)
