10-Oct-2004
Title: Nothing Left To Weather - 4/5
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2, past 2xH
Rating: NC-17
Warnings (Overall): Angst, Duo POV, Language, Lemon, and Sap
Archived: Fanfiction Section at GWA - www.gwaddiction.com
TK Maxwell Original Christian and Yaoi Fiction at: http://writing.com/authors/tkmaxwell
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. Bandai, Sotsu, Sunrise, and the original Japanese creators do. This story is a parody of their defined universe and is in no way an official continuation of the original story. I consider all underage characters engaging in sexual activity to be Emancipated Minors or social equivalents under military service. This story is for entertainment purposes only. It is a fantasy and should not be read as a realistic representation of actual romantic relationships. Content is not intended to condone or condemn any of the lifestyles or viewpoints portrayed through the characters. I make no money at this. I write only for the pleasure of feedback! This story was inspired by the song 'You'll Think Of Me' by Keith Urban and is dedicated to Sunhawk.
Notes: Thanks again to all of you for being so patient *huggles* RT, I didn't post a reply to your feedback because I didn't want to bring the last part back up to the top, but thank you for replying... and here is that rope :) Once again, this fic is dedicated to Sunhawk and is done as an homage to her unique and wonderful style... we love you Sun!
"You didn't waste any time, did you?" Hilde asked, her eyes flashing with bitterness and anger. She must have been on her way back to the yard since she was wearing a work shirt and jeans, and I had to admit that she looked good, but her tone of voice just ran all over me. Who the hell did she think she was talking to me like that?
I'd been devastated when she'd left, had damn neared destroyed myself over it, and here she was acting as if I was screwing around on her when we weren't even together anymore. For a brief moment, I considered explaining the situation to her - well, as much of it as I could - but her words reached that pissy part of me that didn't give a flying fuck what she thought, so I went on the attack instead. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" I asked as I pushed away from the wall, forcing Heero to take a few steps back. "I hear you're with Mark, so what gives you the right to say anything about what I do? At least I remained faithful while we were together." I knew I didn't have any proof that she had been with him before she left, but I was embarrassed and angry, and I wanted to get even for it. Yeah, I can be a vindictive little shit when I want to be, but it really shouldn't have mattered to her if I was kissing Heero. For all she knew, I was sleeping with him too. Well, I was, but... oh, you know what I mean.
"I wasn't talking to you, Duo," she spat, and I looked over to see Heero move closer to me, his eyes guarded. I then turned back to Hilde just as she said, "But since you brought it up, Mark and I didn't sleep together until two weeks after I left you." Those last words made me flinch, but I didn't let her see it. "He was my friend through all of this mess, and we just happened to fall for each other while he helped me put my life back together."
It was a small consolation, but it still didn't explain her attitude. "So what's the problem?" I countered. "Why be mad at Heero because he took in the damaged goods you cast aside?" Yeah, I was bitter about it, but it didn't quite hurt as much as before. Time heals all wounds and all that. I guess I was getting over her.
Hilde snorted disdainfully at me. "You really are dense sometimes, Maxwell. Everyone else can see it, but you just hide from reality in your own little world."
I crossed my arms, trying to not let it look like the defensive gesture it was. "So what is it I'm not seeing?"
She smirked as she turned her eyes to Heero again. "Kind of ironic, isn't it? All this time I tried to keep you away, and now I get to tell him. You obviously haven't yet, though I can't imagine why. I thought you'd try to bed... "
"Don't," he grated out, but I could hear the fear in his voice. "If you care anything about him... please. He was a wreck when I got here, and I had to watch him struggle all this time just to get this much of his life back. You've moved on. Let him do the same, Hilde."
I saw her falter for a moment, but then her eyes hardened. "I'm curious. Were you hoping he'd fall for you before you told him?" She snorted again when Heero's face reddened. "Yeah, I thought so. A little comforting opens a lot of doors, but I don't think you'll get any further than I did. He can't let anyone get past his defenses... not even you."
"What are you guys talking about?" I demanded, feeling like I wasn't even part of the conversation.
"Jiminy fucking Cricket, Duo!" Hilde blurted out. "He's been in love with you since the first damn war, you dolt! The only reason why he hasn't said anything was because you were with me!" She shook her head and looked at Heero. "Though even that wasn't enough to keep him away from you, even if he could only be a friend."
I felt like I was watching things through a mosaic that had shattered before my eyes. I thought about those nights, lying in bed with Heero, wondering 'what if', wanting him and wishing that he... fighting against my feelings because I thought he... but all this time, he'd wanted... me. My mind did an abrupt one-eighty and slammed into a brick wall of 'Huh?' as I tried to get my head around the concept. Then the pieces of my broken reality fit together again into the most fucked-up puzzle I'd ever been privileged to be a part of. Well, shit. One of my hamster pals suddenly held up a list of guys Heero could be in love with. Wufei's name was crossed off, and the only other name written on it had just been penciled in. Yep, you guessed it - mine. If I hadn't been so shocked and angry, I would have laughed.
"So," I said in a voice that I didn't recognize as my own as I looked into wary blue eyes, "It wasn't Wufei."
"Wufei?" The expression on Heero's face more than told me what an idiot I'd been, though the tone of his voice clinched it. I wasn't going to even ask about Quatre or Trowa. I'm not stupid... really... just oblivious, it seems.
"I thought... " I began and then ran my hand through my bangs. "I thought you were in love with Wufei."
Heero closed his eyes. "So that's why... "
"Yeah," I replied angrily, "that's why I was so pissed at you for wanting to stay. I thought you were just using me. Shit, Heero... how was I supposed to know... " I took a shaky breath. "Are you sure there isn't anyone else?" I saw Hilde roll her eyes at me and fought the urge to stick out my tongue at her... or flip her off.
Heero opened his eyes again. There were so many emotions swirling there as he said softly, "I've never wanted anyone but you, Duo. No one but you."
"Then why the hell didn't you tell me when you kissed me?" I practically shouted. "We could have avoided all of this shit today!" Okay, maybe I should have figured it out on my own, but come on, I'd been emotionally unbalanced and physically a mess ever since he'd gotten here. Self-contempt had apparently twisted my perceptions, making me see his actions as gestures of comfort and friendship... and perhaps misdirected emotional attraction... but nothing like this. Besides, how could I even think he'd want me when I'd let myself fall apart so easily? I just couldn't see it, even faced with his open admission. Another hamster came forward holding up a 'stupid' sign, and I wanted to stomp his furry little ass into the pavement until I realized how crazy that sounded, even for me. Yeah, maybe I had been stupid, though willfully blinded seemed less embarrassing. I hadn't wanted to consider the possibility of Heero wanting me in case I was wrong. I'm a glass-half-empty kind of guy. Like you didn't know that already.
"Oh, come on, Duo! You need to quit ignoring you own feelings and everyone else's," Hilde said in an exasperated voice. "Your running and hiding strategy just doesn't work when it comes to relationships!"
"It's not his fault, Hilde," Heero said to her. "It's mine. I should have told him."
That was the final straw for me. It was time we ended this three-ringed circus. People kept looking as they walked by the alley, and I was getting very uncomfortable airing my screwed up life to anyone who dared to listen. "I've had enough of this," I growled, causing them both to jump a little. I turned towards Heero. "You and I are going to have this out when we get home."
"Maybe we should... "
"At home," I told him tersely. Our gazes caught for a moment before he looked away, nodding. His expression was contrite yet determined, something so familiar from the wars that I felt my heart lurch a little. I looked at Hilde when I saw her shift restlessly. How hard had this been for her? Had I ever really thought about her feelings? Had I ever really given her a chance? "Listen, Hil, I'm sorry things didn't work out for us, but we can't keep on wondering what could have been... what should have been... " I felt my throat tighten at that and had to pause before saying, "I miss your friendship more than anything, and although I never hope to have it again, I can hope that you and Mark will be happy together. Take care, sweetheart." Before she could say anything back, I brushed past her, lightly squeezing her shoulder before walking out of the alley. I was shaking so badly I didn't know if I was going to make it back to the apartment without throwing up or passing out. It was only because I was so angry that I was still moving.
My mind was going in about a hundred different directions, hamsters and guilt beast alike trying to decide what to tackle first. I think I was just too drained, emotionally and physically, to pay much attention to them. I remembered some of the looks Heero had given me over the past couple of years and how I'd wondered about them while lying in bed at night. I thought about the way he'd acted around me the times he'd visited after Mariemaia, touching me a lot more than he had during the war, but I'd just thought he was finally seeing me as a friend he could trust. There were just so many damn things that were obvious; any normal person would have understood what they'd meant. Do I need to point out that I've never been known for being normal?
Then I went over the vid-call with Quatre and Trowa, and suddenly wanted to kick their asses all over the colony. I groaned in embarrassment; the crazy conversation, worried looks, and slight upset on Quatre's part made a helluva lot more sense now that I knew how Heero felt. That thought in turn made me want to add him to my 'ass-kicking' list for not telling me when he'd first walked through my door. He shouldn't have kept me in the dark, because that's where I'd been for too fucking long - in a cold, dark, lonely place that I didn't have any hope of escaping without him. Yeah, I knew I needed him, but that didn't make the anger go away or keep me from hurting inside.
I heard Heero following me, keeping his distance out of a sense of self-preservation, no doubt. I kept trying to figure out why he... I stopped short, pausing at the streetlight, unable to even think the rest of that question. Heero was still a few paces back, giving me some space. Well, I couldn't hide from it any longer, could I? Heero... loved me, even if I couldn't understand why. Hey, I'll admit it. I thought the kiss, the physical closeness, and his attentiveness to my needs were just because he felt sorry for me, okay? Sure, I'd been a helluva good scrap man, a bad-ass Gundam pilot in both wars, a master thief and cock-sure hustler on the streets growing up, and one tenacious little son-of-a-bitch all of my short but eventful life; yet all of that doesn't mean much when faced with your own weaknesses, and even less in intimate situations. I hadn't had that much experience when it came to... Ah hell, might as well admit it.
Hilde had been my first. Not my first kiss (I'd had that while at one of those boarding schools during the war), or my first sexual touch (I'd let some girl I'd danced with during one of the celebrations after the second war jack me off in one of the empty conference rooms at the hotel), but Hilde was my first in everything else. I guess that's why I took it so hard when she wasn't happy with what we did in bed. Looking back, I could see that she just couldn't deal with me keeping her at a distance during something that should have made us one. Many times, sex had ended with her being frustrated that I couldn't 'get into it' and was 'just being mechanical about it', but I understood now what she'd meant. It wasn't that I couldn't get into what we were doing - I just couldn't let her get inside me. She'd told Heero that he wouldn't get any closer, but what she didn't know was that he was already inside my defenses more than she'd ever been. Facing that was scarier than a whole army of Leos without my Gundam, but if I was going to get through this, I had to at least be honest with myself.
I'd thought when Hilde left that I was a failure because I couldn't satisfy her, but I realized as I rounded the corner of my street that there had been other problems that had affected how Hilde had responded to me. She'd always gotten upset when she'd had to show me what she wanted. She'd expected me to be the one to 'sweep her off her feet', but I just wasn't that kind of guy. I liked feeling comfortable more than romantic. It made me wonder if things would be different when Heero and I... if... if Heero and I... I felt my face flame just thinking about that kind of thing with him. Maybe Heero wouldn't mind showing me what he wanted instead of expecting me to already know. Maybe he would like being comfortable more than romantic too, and we could just enjoy being together. I suddenly imagined him kissing me hungrily like he had in the alley, his tongue stroking mine as his strong hands touched me all over, his naked body against mine as he slid between my legs and got ready to...
I shook my head and tried to think of something else so my sudden 'interest' would go away before I embarrassed myself. Heero was beside me by that point, and I didn't want him to see me sporting wood when I was supposed to be pissed at him for not telling me about his feelings. I mean, I was still pissed, but damn, the man could make me want him without even trying. Even now I didn't know what I was going to say. I was hurt and angry, but I didn't want to blow up at Heero because I was pretty sure I'd say some things I didn't really mean, and wasn't it a sad little commentary on Duo Maxwell that he could want to beat the shit out of someone and hold onto him for dear life at the same time?
We reached the apartment, much to my relief, and I bounded up the stairs quickly. I opened the front door, threw my jeans jacket on the chair as I walked through the living room, kicked off my shoes by the end table, and headed to the kitchen for some much-needed caffeine. I could feel Heero's eyes on me, but I just needed a moment to calm down before I ending up tearing into him. I didn't want to fight. I'd had enough of that with Hilde. My temper is one of my worst character flaws, and although Heero had seen it more than once, this situation was different. I could really hurt him, and I'd already seen how hurting someone you cared about just ended up hurting you before it was over.
"I thought you said that we'd talk," Heero commented as he walked into the room.
I pulled another soda out of the fridge and threw it to him... well, okay, more like 'at him', but he caught it easily before it could do any damage. "Needed some liquid courage," I joked ruthlessly, not meeting his eyes.
Heero sighed. "No, you're avoiding me because you're upset and don't know how to deal with it."
"Give the man a fucking prize, ladies and gentlemen," I drawled out, holding my bottle aloft mockingly. My temper was getting ready to go critical, and I was trying with all my might to use my God-given ability at humor to take the edge off, though it wasn't really working. I suddenly had just had enough. I tried to push past him, but he blocked the doorway easily, only providing the proverbial straw. "Get out of my way, Yuy!"
"No. You're not running from me, Duo. You're not hiding either. We have to talk this out. Nothing will get resolved if we can't communicate."
I snorted. "Channeling Quatre? That sounds like some shit he'd say."
He flinched but then narrowed his eyes. "For someone who doesn't lie, you seem to do a lot of 'creative explaining'. You don't even seem to know the whole truth when you hear it. Is that called 'selective listening', Duo, or having a discriminating conscience?"
"Fuck you!" I yelled. "You talk it out with yourself! I don't need this... "
"You need me," he said simply, and it hit me harder than if he'd punched me in the stomach.
We stood there for a few moments, gazes locked. "So," I finally bit out, looking away.
"So... tell me why you're so angry."
I don't do confrontation very well. Slamming my bottle down on the counter, I glared at him. "Okay, fine, asshole! How about the fact that you kept this from me for so long? All this time... all this fucking time, man! You knew I wasn't with Hilde once you got here, but you still didn't tell me how you felt. Talk about 'creative explaining'; what the hell do you call what you did to me? When you kissed me, I asked you why you did it, and even then you kept the real reason from me. Shit, I never would have thought it was me you wanted. Why didn't you just tell me?"
Heero looked down at the cola in his hand. "I was afraid to say anything. You were so torn up over Hilde, and I didn't want you to reject me because of what had happened with her. You weren't ready." His eyes met mine again. "I don't even know if you are now."
I snorted. "Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence there, pal!" Oh yeah... bitterness, thy name is Duo.
"Listen to me, Duo," Heero said evenly. "I've always had faith in you. Even when I didn't believe in anything or anyone else, I knew I could count on you. That wasn't why I didn't tell you, and you know it."
I could sense the frustrated anger in his tone that matched my own. Well, maybe we could just punch each other out and forget all of this emotional shit. Then again... I tried to calm down before this got out of hand. Yeah, my temper explodes like a solar flare, but then it goes dormant just as quickly most of the time. "Did you think I couldn't handle it because you were a guy?" I asked, trying to understand.
"I wasn't sure if you'd be interested, but that wasn't why I didn't tell you." He took a step forward and placed his hand on my shoulder. I managed to not flinch. Go me. I watched his face carefully as he said, "I wanted to show you that I was going to be here for you, that I wouldn't walk away when things got tough. I wanted to help you get over this depression so you could accept my feelings without thinking they were out of pity." I looked away at that, and he tightened his hold. "I understand you pretty damn well, Maxwell, and I didn't want you thinking that my feelings were that shallow."
I frowned, liking the way his fingers felt as they brushed my neck, but fighting against enjoying it. "Yeah, well, you should have known that I'd be upset when I found out. How did you plan on handling that?" I looked back at him, feeling hurt all over again. "You know I don't like being made a fool of, Heero, and that's how I felt today."
Heero moved closer. "I know. I'm sorry. I was going to tell you in a few days, I swear. If I'd realized what you thought about Wufei, I would've told you sooner, but you were just beginning to really recover, and I didn't want to give you more to deal with right now." He sighed heavily. "That's really no excuse, but that's why."
As I thought about what he'd said, I came to the conclusion that I was upset mostly because everyone else had known something I should have. I couldn't change that now, no matter how angry I got, right? What was the point of me going on about it then? The only thing I could do was to try to keep it from happening again. "Okay, I guess I can understand that even if I don't think you should have waited," I admitted grudgingly. I saw a look of relief pass over his face and scowled at him to lend weight to my words because I really wanted him to take them seriously. "But next time I need to know something, you'd better tell me before anyone else. If I ever hear that Quatre and Trowa know something before I do again, I'll... "
My rant was interrupted by the doorbell. Now who is the world could that be? No one we knew would drop by without calling. It sure as hell wasn't Hilde. I was close to just ignoring it when it rang again. Giving Heero an annoyed look, I left the kitchen and made my way through the living room. Heero came to stand in the kitchen doorway as I undid the latch and opened the door to a sight I certainly hadn't been expecting.
"Well, you look better than you did the last time I saw you," Quatre said, but I could see the underlying concern in his eyes. He was standing in the hallway, wearing a pair of dress pants and a cardigan, looking like a businessman going to a casual dinner. Trowa stood beside him in jeans and a Henley, ruining the effect.
"Now is not a good time, Quat," I found myself saying before my brain engaged. Shit! That was like rolling out the red carpet to him because the next thing he'd say would be...
"What's wrong, Duo? I can tell that you're upset. Maybe Trowa and I can help. We're your friends... just as much as Heero is." He flushed at those words, and I watched Trowa put a steadying arm around his waist.
Why did they have to pick now to show up? My nerves were all frayed, Heero and I still needed to finish our little 'discussion', and I wasn't too happy with the 'interfering two-some' at the moment either. One of my hamsters darted out with a little sign that said in big capital letters, 'HIDE'. 'Yeah, real helpful there, buddy,' I thought. The sad part was that I was tempted to follow his advice at this point. I jumped when a hand suddenly rested on my shoulder.
"It's not that, Quatre," Heero said calmly. "We ran into Hilde today and it was about as pleasant as dealing with Une during the first war."
I felt my face light up like a freaking Christmas tree, and several hamsters were rolling around, laughing their little furry asses off. One of them even had braided buns on the side of his head and a pair of tiny glasses perched on his nose. I would have been vastly entertained if I hadn't been so embarrassed about Heero telling Quatre and Trowa about Hilde. Still, at least he wasn't saying about our current situation. With that realization, I managed to grin at our 'guests... and felt relieved that I could. If this had happened just a couple weeks ago, I don't think I would've been able to cope, but I had gotten my head together enough that I could deal with this unexpected mess without having to run for cover... even if my hamsters were still suggesting it.
"Yeah, it's been a rough day, but come on in, guys. We can order some pizza or something," I offered, patting my blond mother hen on the shoulder. I watched Quatre and Trowa exchange a look - you know, that couple look that defies the need for words and annoys the shit out of single people? - And then they walked into the apartment. It didn't dawn on me until I was sitting down that Heero and I had shared one of those looks ourselves before we headed for the couch. Well shit. Next I'd be finishing his sentences.
"We should have called first," Trowa said as he sat down on the loveseat with Quatre. I noticed how he ignored his lover's disagreeing look. "If we'd known you'd already had such a bad day, we would've waited to come." He reached out and took Quatre's hand, perhaps taking the sting out of his gentle reprimand.
"Hey, it's not like you're in town that often, Tro," I said, feeling a little guilty for not wanting them to be there. It had been a long time since we'd all been together, and I should have been glad to see them. It's not like this was anything over the top. It was just bad timing. Yeah, they had kept Heero's feelings from me, but I could kind of understand why under the circumstances. Besides, this was not the time to be hashing that out. Heero and I needed to get our own feelings sorted before I tackled that.
"I'm sorry that I didn't come weeks ago, Duo," Quatre said softly, his hand gripping Trowa's in what I could tell was a familiar gesture between them. "I'd been feeling like something was wrong for quite a while now, but I didn't call because... " He shook his head slightly, and I wondered what could have kept him of all people from calling.
"It's okay to tell him now," Trowa said when he faltered.
Quatre took a deep breath. "I should have called instead of letting me wanting to avoid Hilde keep me from it."
I blinked at him. "You didn't call because of her?"
He nodded, his eyes filled with pain that erased my annoyance with him. He'd always had a way of making me mad enough to hit him one minute and then forgiving enough to hug him the next. I realized then that as frustrated as I'd been at their impromptu visit, I had missed them terribly. Before I could choke out something along those lines, Quatre went on, "She was always so hostile. I mean, not openly, but I could feel it, and it just wasn't something I liked dealing with. There were so many times I wanted to talk to you, but then when I would call, half the time you didn't call back... "
"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "I called you every time I got a message, Quat. What are you talking about?"
Aqua eyes met mine. "I don't think she told you sometimes. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause problems between you." Quatre sighed, looking down at his and Trowa's hands. "I guess that was a bad decision."
"No shit," I replied, more upset with Hilde than with him. When I saw his shoulders slump, I added quickly, "It's okay, man. I didn't mean it like that. I wish you had said something though. I just thought... "
The blond's eyes lit up with understanding. "You thought I didn't want to talk with you as much anymore."
It was my turn to look sheepish. "Yeah. Sorry, buddy. I should have known better."
"Would you have believed him if he'd told you about her?" Trowa asked suddenly.
I started to give him a scathing reply then I stopped and really thought about it. Would I have? "I don't know," I finally told him, shrugging. "She had me so twisted up, I don't know what I would have thought about it."
"I think she was afraid of losing you," Heero said softly, as he scooted closer to me on the couch, placing his arm on the back of it, and therefore, around me. "She thought you'd leave again if you spent time with us, I suppose. And she knew that Quatre and Trowa were together, and how I felt about you. Maybe she expected you to figure out that you were attracted to guys if we were together more."
I felt my face heat up. Well, so much for our friends not finding out that I knew about Heero's feelings for me... and that I apparently returned them in at least a physical sense from the way Heero had worded that last bit. I tried to just ignore the way Quatre's face lit up and the small smile that graced Trowa's lips, but it still bothered me how Heero had implied certain things. It wasn't as if we'd already worked this out or anything. "I don't know. It's not like I was ever attracted to any of you during the war... or even afterwards for that matter." I felt Heero tense beside me, but he'd stuck a stick in my beehive and I wasn't going to rescue him from the sting.
"People change," Trowa interjected, and I picked up on his subtle glance in Heero's direction. "But sometimes we don't see something right in front of us at first. When we finally do, sometimes we still fight against it even though it's what we want. Change takes time."
I winced. Man, he didn't say much usually, but when he did, it always hit you where it hurts. I was being spiteful because Heero had embarrassed me with his 'announcement' of my newfound orientation. It was the truth though, so I had to accept it. I turned towards Heero and saw that mask of indifference that I'd never recognized as the defense mechanism it was. I'd hurt him, and guilt showed up to take a bite out of my ass. "Sorry," I muttered, "I shouldn't have said that." See. This is the reason why Duo Maxwell doesn't have a stable relationship with anyone.
Heero studied me for a moment and then nodded. "Accepted. You're not getting rid of me that easily."
Do I need to tell you that I blushed? Yeah, I know, I used to not let anything get to me. I was 'Mr. Smooth' under pressure with nerves of steel and a grinning mask to hide any emotions from the world. I could talk my way out of anything and no one would ever know how I really felt or what I really thought. Well, apparently that was all before Heero came back into my life and started loving me. I looked into those blue eyes of his and the fear of losing him was so strong it made me almost sick. I said exactly what was on my mind before I could stop myself. "I don't want to get rid of you, Heero, no matter what I do. I want you to stay with me. Even if I'm being a prick. Even if I get mad and yell. Even if I tell you to get the hell out. Please... don't... I couldn't... "
He pulled me to him then, and I buried my face in his neck, closing my eyes. I was humiliating myself in front of Quatre and Trowa, but I didn't care at that point. I heard Heero tell them that we would be all right and ask if they could call before coming back. Quatre reassured him that they wouldn't be over for a few days and then he rubbed my shoulder in a soothing gesture. I felt Trowa tug on my braid gently as he walked past, something he'd taken to doing since after the second war. I wanted to tell them goodbye, but before I could get the words out, the door was closing behind them, leaving Heero and me practically wrapped around each other on the couch. Guilt showed up again, his beady eyes leering at me as his tongue lolled out, but I just kept my face against Heero's neck. I knew I was hiding, but I just couldn't face Heero after begging him not to leave.
"Duo, I'm not mad. I shouldn't have said what I did either. It wasn't my place to tell them. I'm sorry too."
"Why do you even want me, Heero?" I asked suddenly. "I mean... I'm not really the person you knew during the wars in a lot of ways. How can you say you love me when you don't really know me anymore?"
Heero nuzzled my hair with his face and began speaking in that even timbered voice of his that had calmed me more than once during battle. In fact, it had damn near put me to sleep a few times during our downtime, and let me tell you, nodding off while going over mission objectives is not a good thing to do. I could still remember the bruises from falling out of my chair when he'd shoved me a little too hard one time while trying to wake me up. That had been before we'd become friends, but even after that, he'd roust me from sleep by throwing water on me. Don't laugh. I got even with him by hiding his mission specs in the games folder the next time I'd had the opportunity. Talk about a pissed-off soldier... I grinned to myself.
Heero rubbed his thumb over my cheek, bringing me back to the present. "Did you hear a word I just said to you?"
I flushed. "Sorry." He chuckled, and I was glad that he hadn't gotten angry. I was being an inconsiderate idiot.
"It's okay. I was just saying that one of the things I've always admired about you was your will to keep on going no matter how hard it was. Your sense of humor and personality captivated me in a way I fought to ignore during the war. After the war ended, I let myself analyze the feelings I had for you, and I was shocked to realize what some of them were. When you went with Hilde, I decided to just lock them away." He pulled away to look at me, and his penetrating gaze made me feel like he was seeing into my damn soul. "Quatre helped me come to terms with how I felt, but it was Trowa the helped me accept that those feelings didn't change just because I couldn't have you." He paused. "I wasn't going to spend time with you anymore at first, but I just couldn't stop coming to see you. That's when I realized that having your friendship was worth keeping my love hidden."
"That had to be really hard," I ventured as I took in all of these conflicting emotions in his eyes. I'd always known that he had strong feelings, even if he had kept them private, but the depth of what was being shown to me so freely was frightening. Could I really be worth all of that?
"It was," he admitted, "but after a few visits, I realized it was the right thing to do. The only problem was that Hilde was really becoming difficult to deal with. I had planned on taking her aside this time and telling her to back off. I mean, she already had you, and I was only trying to be a friend. I didn't know what to think when I found out you'd quit the yard, but I knew something was wrong."
"I didn't want you guys to find out," I explained sheepishly.
His other hand moved to tuck some stray hair behind my ear. "I know. I'm just glad you were all right. You weren't in the best physical or emotional condition when I arrived, but seeing you like that - how you were making yourself go on in spite of the pain when most people would have either committed suicide or been committed by then - made me realize that nothing would ever change how I felt about you. It's not just your body I'm in love with, Duo... even though I do like it more than I should." He gave me a rueful grin that made my face burn. Then he continued more seriously, warmth filling his eyes. "Your heart is as strong as it's always been, and that's who you are to me. I'm in love with the person you are inside. I have been for a long time, and I don't believe that will ever change."
It was hard to accept, but I couldn't deny it either. The man I had always respected for his dedication, cursed for his unyielding attitude, admired for his strength, and envied for his detachment, was 'in love' with me as a person. Hilde had said those 'three little words' to me all the time, and I'd said them back quite often, but she'd never told me why she felt that way about me. Hearing Heero give me reasons for his feelings was unexpected, and it filled me with warmth I didn't even know I'd been missing. I stared at him, wondering if he would get upset with me if I didn't say it back though. Fear overwhelmed me at the thought of telling someone that again. It was almost as strong as it had been earlier at the thought of him leaving. It wasn't that I didn't care for him. I did - more than anything, if I were honest - but I just wasn't ready to openly declare it. I was surprised when Heero took my hand and raised it to his lips, kissing my scarred and work-roughened knuckles.
"Don't," he chided then seemed to think about how that sounded and added, "Not unless you mean it, and not until you're ready to say it. I'll be around to hear it... someday... " He took a deep breath, like he was bracing himself for something unpleasant, and I couldn't help but tense as he spoke again. "I want to stay here with you, Duo, even if it's just as friends. I want to have a chance to love you, but I need to know what you want from me so I don't go beyond what you're comfortable with." The look on his face was enough to make my heart do the Hokey Pokey.
What did I want from him? I mean, yeah, I wouldn't mind giving into those desires I'd been browbeating for the past few weeks, and I knew that he wouldn't just be using me for sex so I didn't have to worry about getting hurt in that way, but he was asking for more than that, wasn't he? I wasn't sure if I wanted to try the whole romantic relationship thing so soon. I mean, I wanted to, but... . hey, it hadn't worked with Hilde, so how did I know it would with Heero? Yeah, okay, I was afraid. It was one thing to think he wanted Wufei and want to be in Wufei's place; it was another to actually be in that place. Yeah, I know. I'm pathetic. Shut up about it.
I swallowed hard, trying to find the right words, before telling him, "I don't know."
"Do you like the way we've been living?" he asked evenly, trying to gauge my level of acceptance.
"Yeah, but this changes some things, Heero. I just need some time to think about everything. I mean, you showed up without any warning and stayed with me when you should have just called the guys with the funny white jackets. You helped me through all of this shit, and then tell me that you've loved me all along. It's a lot to take in. Sure, I'm attracted to you, but I don't know if I'm ready for more than what we have now."
I saw his disappointed look and caught a glimpse of guilt scrabbling across the floor towards me, teeth already bared. Before the little bastard could sink fang into me, I tried to come up with some kind of compromise. All right, I had to be realistic here. Could I really lay in bed with him without wanting to do something about how he made me feel? Okay, probably not. Before my little bout of self-imposed celibacy, I had masturbated as much as Hilde and I had engage in sex. Being with Heero had shown me that my sex drive was definitely back to normal again; I was jacking off in the shower almost every morning, and sometimes before going to bed at night. Would it be so bad to give into the mutual passion we had? Considering my past experience, it might end up being the deciding factor for whether or not he would want to be with me permanently. If we could stay friends and just gradually add the physical things, then maybe I could deal with it. Heero spoke before I could though.
"We can just be friends, if that's what you want. Just knowing that I don't have to hide how I feel anymore is a relief. I was afraid that you'd hate me for it."
I looked at him from under my bangs. "I could never hate you for something like that, Heero. Be pissed at you, want to kick your ass, maybe not talk to you for a while, but never hate you."
He smiled then, pressing his forehead against mine. "I love you, Duo. Thank you for always being my friend even when I wasn't yours."
It was the first time he'd said those words to me like that, and I melted. Once again, my mouth was directly linked to my heart, and possibly my libido, bypassing my brain altogether as I blurted out, "We can try adding a physical relationship if we take it slow."
Heero closed his eyes, and for a moment I thought I'd upset him, until he opened them again and looked at me in a way that took my breath away. "If you're willing to give me that part of you, then I'll take it, Duo. I want all of you, but part is better than nothing at all."
I took a breath and then told him, "I want you to stay no matter what... even if that part doesn't work out." It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to say to him. It was as close to admitting my feelings as I could get.
He gave me one of those searching looks and then pulled me back into his arms, holding me tightly. "I'm not going anywhere. We'll find a way to make this work, Duo."
I nodded, feeling my heart constrict. I had to accept what he was offering me. I mean, even if I couldn't give it back to him yet, it would make him feel good to have this much, right? Besides, if he didn't enjoy sex with me, what was the point of developing those other emotions? It wasn't that I was expecting things to be bad, but hell, after what had happened with Hilde, I had to do something to protect myself from falling too hard again. I ignored the little voice that whispered it was too late - that I had already fallen. Instead, I thought about what it would be like to have sex with Heero. I'd never been with another guy before, so I didn't know how we would... well, I had an idea how but...
"Heero?" I said tentatively.
"Yes?"
The tone in his voice told me that he wasn't any surer of this than I was. It somehow helped. "I want... "
'I want to try to let you love me even though I'm scared to death of screwing this up.'
'I want to let you in, but I'm so afraid that you'll leave me just when I need you the most.'
"I want to go to bed," I admitted softly. The day had only just passed into evening, but I was so tired.
Heero let me go and stood up, looking at me hesitantly. "Okay. It's a little early, but we could both use some rest."
"I want... " I swallowed again, trying to keep from spontaneously combusting. "I know you like to sleep in there... with me. If you want we could... "
"You want me to sleep in the bed with you tonight?" He asked, and I could see the hope filling his eyes.
"Yeah," I replied, my face reddening more in spite of my resolve to stop that particular parlor trick. "Just... be with me, all right? We can go from there."
He reached out and took my hand, squeezing it as he helped me up. "All right. Sounds like a plan."
We walked into the bedroom, pulling off our jeans as we neared the bed, but when Heero went over to the dresser to get some pajamas, I caught his arm. "Can we... ?"
He turned towards me. "What?"
"Can we sleep... naked?" Boy, if my face had been red before, it was scarlet now. I was sending mixed signals, but I couldn't help it. Seeing him in his boxer-briefs made me want something I couldn't even begin to explain.
I watched surprise register on his face before he replied, "Sure, but nothing has to happen."
I nodded, embarrassed as hell, but excited like a kid on Christmas morning. Even though we'd been sleeping in the same bed often for the past few weeks, we hadn't gotten undressed in front of each other since the war. I watched him pull off his tee shirt and lifted shaking hands to take off my own, throwing it on the floor. We stood there in our underwear until Heero slid his off. I looked at his strong naked body, taking in his growing excitement. I heard him clear his throat as my eyes lingered on the area between his legs a bit longer than I'd meant to. Blushing furiously, I kicked off my boxers and allowed him a moment to look as well. It was only fair after all. His eyes traveled over me for a few seconds, and then he smiled and motioned towards the bed. I got in, pulling the covers over me as I turned onto my side away from him. Heero got in behind me, and for a while, we just lay there breathing, until he rested his hand on my hip. I shuddered at the touch, but didn't pull away, so he slid his arm around my waist, scooting closer to me until his body touched mine. I gasped as I felt his shaft rest against my cleft, but he didn't try to do anything more.
"Not until you're ready," he murmured. "Until then, just tell me how far to go."
"Okay," I breathed out, not even recognizing my own voice as it hitched. "Just... touch me."
I closed my eyes, trembling, as his hand slid around me to grasp my awakening erection. His fingers, callused from piloting, stroked over my shaft, and I groaned at the feeling of his answering hardness sliding between my cheeks as his hips rocked with each motion of his hand. It was absolutely incredible. I thought about those images I'd had earlier of Heero between my legs and I couldn't help but moan when he let a finger caress my balls and then slide lower. I let him stroke me until I thought I'd explode. I wanted it to last, so I turned over. Then we began kissing.
It wasn't the tentative kiss he'd given me that first time, or even the passionate kisses from the alley - no, these were needy and wanting, speaking to me of cold, lonely nights and tears cried into his pillow. I wrapped my arms around his neck, thrust my tongue into his mouth, and moved my hips in time with his. I felt his shaft rub against mine and wanted to scream. This was so different from what I was used to, and I didn't think I could take this level of intensity much longer. Then his knowing hand was back, stroking both of us at the same time, and I let myself go, forgetting the horrible day we'd had as I gave into what I had wanted for so long.
No fight with Heero. No confrontation with Hilde. No visit from Quatre and Trowa. Nothing but the feeling of Heero's hands on me, stroking me, caressing me... loving me.
It was over in an embarrassingly short amount of time. I pulled away from Heero's mouth, gasping for breath as my climax hit me like a freight train. Now, I'm not used to involuntary sounds. On the streets you learned to keep quiet or you were dead. My pain and pleasure are cloaked in stillness, something that infuriated Hilde to no end when we had sex. It was a wonder someone didn't call the police on us that evening because I wailed out his name over and over again as my body shook violently. He didn't last much longer than I did, but when I felt his warm wetness pulse out onto me, heard his voice whispering how much he loved me, and watched his face in the throes of ecstasy, I felt something so powerful that I had to close my eyes.
"Duo," Heero panted out. "My Duo. I love you so much. So much."
He reached for me, and although I knew this was going to make things messy later, I simply smiled and turned over onto my side again, indicating that I wanted him to spoon me like he had before. He hesitated but then settled behind me. I closed my eyes, trying to keep from shivering. I just couldn't face him right then. I wanted to feel him against me, but I couldn't let him see my face because I knew what I was feeling was written all over it, and I couldn't be that vulnerable with him yet. This was so much more than I'd ever felt for Hilde - or anyone - and if I let him get any closer to me before I was sure he was staying, I would never recover if he then decided to leave me.
That was a terrifying thought.
"You okay?" Heero asked as his hand rubbed my arm lazily.
I didn't know what to say to keep him from knowing how unbalanced I was. "Yeah," was what I came up with, and although it wasn't the complete truth, it wasn't a lie either. Technically I was okay. My body was still thrumming from the most intense orgasm I'd ever had, I was lying in bed with my best friend without being afraid he was in love with someone else, and we had a basketball match with the guys at the center tomorrow. Yeah, things were okay... as long as I didn't think about how afraid I was of fucking this up, and ignored the itchy stickiness drying on my skin.
"We need to get some wipes," I commented as I shifted a little, finally finding a relatively safe topic of discussion.
Heero laughed. I was amazed at how much I enjoyed that sound. His voice takes on a vibrant tone when he's amused, and I lay there, letting everything else fade away as I listened to him and felt his body shake against me. Finally he hugged me close and said, "We can do that. I have a feeling we're going to need them."
For some reason, that reassurance-wrapped-in-humor calmed me. He wasn't going anywhere. He didn't just want to be with me because of great sex or fuzzy feelings. He had stayed with me as my friend, and now he wanted to stay with me as my lover. I was letting my fear of getting hurt override my faith in him, and I had to stop doing that. Had he ever let me down? Had there ever been a time when he wasn't there for me when he knew I needed him? Never. He'd been a constant in my life, and I had to believe he'd continue being that for me. Just because our feelings were deepening didn't mean the ones that already existed would diminish.
A little voice inside my head, the one that always has to spoil my moments of happiness, reminded me rather quickly that my friendship with Hilde had disappeared when things hadn't worked out between us on a romantic level. I felt another moment of fear and doubt, but then another voice, the one that fought for every bit of happiness that I could find, pointed out that Hilde hadn't really wanted me. She'd wanted her idea of me. There was no way I could doubt that Heero saw the real me inside and wanted that person because of what he'd said earlier and how he'd stood by me through the nightmare of the past couple months. Admitting that to myself helped me gain enough confidence to turn back over and not hide from him.
"Just how much sex do you think we'll be having?" I asked, grinning mischievously.
Heero smirked, the sated look on his face making his expression silly. "When we wake up, when we shower, after we eat breakfast, before we go out for the day, after we eat lunch, when we get home, after we eat dinner, and before we go to bed." His blue eyes glinted wickedly. "And any other time we can work it into our schedule."
I shook my head, feeling more comfortable with him like this. "You're not that insatiable, are you?"
"When it comes to you, Duo, I don't think I could ever get enough."
What could I do but kiss him? I mean, we'd had our first sexual experience together, and he wasn't critiquing me. This was working out already. As my lips moved over his, I wondered if we could actually go for two tonight, but he gently pulled away, taking my face in his hands before kissing my forehead, then my nose, followed by my eyes, and my cheeks, down to my chin, ending up with my lips once again, before he smiled and just looked at me. It was a little disconcerting, so I asked, "What?"
"I know we agreed to the physical side of things, but is it all right if I can hold you too?"
His voice was so tentative that I wanted to cry. "Of course, Heero. Holding is part of that in my book." I then felt that uncomfortable stickiness again and frowned. "But let me get something to wash us off first." I know my face was flaming as I went to the bathroom because the bastard was snickering at me.
It didn't take long to get cleaned up. We got settled again in bed, and I tried to relax, knowing that I didn't have to pretend to not want Heero in there with me. It was kind of odd. For so long, I'd been denying these feelings, and now I could give into them. I suddenly wondered how Heero must feel. He'd been in love with me for far longer, so this had to be weird for him too, being able to lie against me naked, stroke my arm without fear of me pulling away, and kiss my neck as he murmured sleepily that we had to be at the center at ten tomorrow. The last thing made me smile. Yeah, we were friends before anything else. Of course, this 'anything else' was pretty damn good too.
Something much more intimate was going on between us in the dark than mere post-coital snuggles. I could feel his heartbeat against my back, his nose against my hair, and his breath against my skin. I closed my eyes and thought about how I'd never slept naked with Hilde. I'd never known the feeling of her body except during intercourse or foreplay. This was completely different, being unclothed and in contact with someone, even after having sex, and I found myself liking the way it made me feel. If this was what my life would be from now on, I was certainly looking forward to it more than I ever had before.
When the doorbell rang, I decided then and there to dismantle the fucking thing because it had been nothing but an annoying interruption all day. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was only around eight. Groaning aloud as the second ring sounded, I got up and pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms. Heero was watching me from the bed, trying to keep his amusement hidden and failing miserably. I growled and threw another pair of bottoms at him.
"It's not funny, asshole. If you're going to be my partner, then you have to get up and answer the damn door with me." I smirked at his part shocked-part thrilled expression and then walked out to greet our visitor./P>
And dismantle the damn doorbell.
End Part 4
(:./tk/nltw4)
