05-Jun-2002
A hand fell on my shoulder but I couldn't even move to shake it off. I didn't care who was there. I didn't care who wanted to arrest me, charge me with Heero's death, remind me every day for the rest of my life that I was the one who took Heero out of this world, that I was the reason he would never read another book or fill out Preventers paperwork or hold a gun or--
"Duo."
I jerked my head up, my hand fisting and then opening again at the sharp pain in my palm when I cracked the casing on my...
I looked down at my hand. My phone. I was holding my phone, the casing split on one side and digging into the flesh just under my middle finger.
A quiet sigh from next me, and then large, oddly gentle hands took mine, long fingers probing at the cut.
"You're fine," Heero said as I stared incredulously at the top of his head bent over my palm. "But I think you killed it."
What came out of my mouth was something relatively unintelligible along the lines of, "Wha?"
He held up the phone, which he had had to pry out of my hand, and his lips quirked up in that odd little Heero-smirk he has. "Fourth one, right? Une's not to going to be as understanding this time around."
I jumped to my feet, rocking Heero back on his heels, and looked wildly around the apartment.
Heero's apartment. Our apartment.
Afternoon sun coming in the windows and throwing shadows across the living room from my piles of boxes and duffel bags.
Heero, looking up at me, holding my phone in one hand and the Chinese menu in the other.
It was three days before. Again. Or still, rather.
Heero stood slowly, looking at me with the patient caution of someone used to my weird mood swings. I grabbed his shoulders and just drank him in; I've never seen anything as heart-stoppingly beautiful as he was in that one moment, strong and alive, his chest moving as he breathed, his eyes searching my face and his hands coming up to cup my elbows.
"Heero," I breathed.
"Duo," he said back.
"Can I... just..." My hands seemed to move of their own accord, sliding from his shoulders across his back, one palm cupping the nape of his neck, the other flat against his spine, and I put my face against the thin material of his shirt and just felt his heart beat against me, smelled sweat and deodorant and something else that was just Heero.
He responded after a second, closing his own arms around me, wrapping my braid around his hand and tucking it into a fist. He lowered his own head and I felt his mouth brush my ear.
"What's this?" he asked, his voice a little bemused, a note I had never heard before. His breath washed over my neck and I felt goosebumps rise on my skin.
I pulled back, sliding my hands around to his hips, and forced a laugh. "Sorry. Just a hug moment."
He frowned and my stomach tightened painfully. But he's alive, I told myself firmly, and that's what's important.
He caught my hand as I stepped away from him, tugging me back. Firm fingers grasped my chin and forced my head up so my eyes met his. "What."
"Nothing," I said. "Just realized how good it is to have you around." Not really a lie. I always knew how good it was to have him around. But I got so involved in wanting him that way that I forgot to see him right in front of me.
The frown lines deepened, and he loosened his fingers to brush over my cheek.
My breath caught for a split second, but he noticed. He always noticed those things about me, like he was tuned into me somehow.
He slid his hand down to rest his big palm over my heart. I knew it was jack-rabbiting around in there and there was nothing I could do about it.
"Heero," I said slowly, making up my mind and following through before I could second-guess myself. I have to stop letting other people dictate my life.
"Trowa said we should maybe sit down and talk."
There was a flicker in his eyes and I felt his body stiffen. He dropped his hands, and even though he was still standing close to me, I felt like there was a blast of icy air between us. Retreat, I screamed as I felt pain shoot through my limbs at the implied rejection, but I had come this far, dammit, and I refused to leave until I saw it through.
Fuck. Pride sucks sometimes.
"What about." He did that thing where he didn't really ask a question but I loved him for those things and even though it was ripping me up inside I went on.
"I'm not sure," I said, and I took one of his hands in mine. He didn't flinch, even though my hands were freezing. Taking that as a good sign, I plowed forward. "He didn't say. But I thought, maybe-- I don't know. Maybe we should talk about us."
I held my breath.
He didn't move.
Fuck.
"Heero."
Fuck fuck fuck.
"Say something."
He blinked as if coming out of a daydream and I felt his hand shift, grabbing onto my fingers. "Trowa has a big mouth," he said quietly.
I laughed softly, even though I could have wept with relief. Not exactly the declaration of love that I had been wildly hoping for, but it was something.
He was alive. He was here. He was holding my hand with as much strength as I held his. And in his own Heero-way, in all his little Heero-ways over the years, he had told me he cared for me, too.
It was more than something. It was everything, really.
A glint of gold caught my eye and I reached out a trembling hand to touch my cross, nestled in the hollow of his throat.
"Heero, when..."
His eyes were very serious. "You told me that night you showed up here. To keep it safe. I didn't know what you meant, but I had hoped."
"I never noticed."
"No. You didn't."
He sought out my braid with one hand, tucking the tip into his fist and settling it into the small of my back, propelling me forward, into the circle of his arms.
"You noticed now."
He seemed to gauge my reaction, his eyes translating the calculation in his head -- so sexy to watch him figure things out whether it's numbers or people or remaining ammo -- and then he was tilting his head, his face bridging the small distance between us.
I clutched his shoulders as his mouth touched mine, his lips warm and sort of chapped and there was a brief flicker of wet tongue rasping against my lower lip before he pulled away.
He rested his chin on my shoulder and I felt his breath against my ear again.
I was nearly vibrating with the energy of the moment, and all I could do was hold onto him to keep myself upright.
He pressed a kiss to my temple. "Later," he said, and his voice rumbled through me.
For a second I felt a tiny thread of doubt, but I thought of all the little pieces of Heero that were inside of me and all of the little pieces of me that I knew were in him and suddenly it was so easy to take a deep breath and let it all go.
"Later," I promised.
We stood in the middle of our living room together, and for the first time it wasn't Heero that held me; we held each other.
The End
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(:./sparcck/tracing11)
