Title: If Not For You - Part 3/4
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam... but I borrow the characters and create my own happy endings :)
Rating: R/NC-17
Warnings: Violence, NCS, Adult Material, Lime?
"Why are you trying to make me talk about it? I just want to forget it, Duo."
Heero's voice held an edge to it that Duo knew well; it was the 'leave me alone' tone. Unfortunately for Heero, Duo was the one person who could ignore it. It had been nearly a month since Heero had been assaulted. Duo had been patient with him, hoping Heero could 'just forget about it'. The only problem was that Heero wasn't healing psychologically; on the contrary, he had gradually reverted back to his emotionally repressed behavior, and Duo wasn't going to stand for it.
"Why? Because you're still carrying it around with you, that's why. You haven't let go of how it made you feel even though you're trying to forget it ever happened. It did happen, Heero! You can pretend all you want that it didn't, but it did. They took your virginity and they raped you repeatedly. That's what happened. No matter what you..."
"Shut up!" Heero yelled, anger blazing in his cobalt blue eyes. "Just shut up, Duo!"
"Or what? Are you going to make me shut up? Is that what you're going to do?" Duo stood by the bed, knowing he was taunting him. He needed to get Heero to react. The last few days, Heero had been so passive. It was not a good sign, and Duo knew he had to get Heero to let out what he was trying to keep inside.
Heero just looked away. He didn't understand why Duo kept trying to make him upset. He was fine now. He just needed to rest and finish healing. He didn't need to think about what had happened. He had put it behind him.
"See? That's why you need to talk about it. Look at you! Two months ago, you would have jumped out of that bed and pinned me to the wall while threatening my life. You refuse to be physically forceful, Heero, and that's not like you. You have always been a physical person. You're letting them take away a part of you."
"They already did," Heero snapped. Duo had heard enough; it was time to break down the walls.
"How many times did each one of them rape you? What names did they call you while they ran their hands all over you? Did they sing little ditties as they ripped your ass apart? Tell me, Heero! Or would you rather I told you?"
Heero just sat there, his fingers clenched around the bed blankets, shaking with anger. He refused to talk about it. Duo pressed on, knowing what he had to do.
"The most one guy ever fucked me was 6 times over the course of two hours. There were two other guys with him that weren't that ambitious - only twice apiece. I think 'cock-sucker' was the most used endearment, although 'bitch', 'slut' and 'faggot boy' was right up there with it. And the best ditty I ever heard was while some guy made me suck him until my throat was so sore I couldn't talk for three days. It went something like this: Sweet angel boy, sweet angel boy, make me smile again. Let me feel you suck me dry, and take me deep within. Talents plenty you possess, use them all for me. Let me plunge within your depths and pound you to your knees. Sweet angel..."
"Stop it!" Heero screamed as he jumped off of the bed, tackling Duo to the floor. "Stop it! Why are you doing this? Why? I don't want to talk about it. I just want to forget!" Heero had his hands on Duo's shoulders, pressing him hard against the floor as he yelled, trying to make Duo understand.
"You will never forget it, but you can't live with it either until you deal with it," Duo replied, wincing at the pain where Heero's fingers gripped him; there would be bruises there tomorrow. "If you want me to quit talking about what happened to me, then you have to tell me what happened to you. I lived on the street. I have plenty of horror stories that you wouldn't even believe could have happened. I've dealt with them. It won't bother me a bit to go through them again." Heero saw the determination in Duo's eyes.
Duo had already forced himself to recall the memories all over again during the past month Heero had been there. Heero's experience had made Duo face his own past, albeit through quiet tears in the middle of the night while Heero slept, but he had faced it. He'd even recounted the incidents in detail to himself so he could do this if Heero needed him to; it had not been easy, but he had done it out of love. He was not going to lose Heero this way.
Heero shook his head. "I thought you loved me, Duo. How can you do this to me if you love me?"
Duo felt his heart ache, but knew he had to be strong. "I do love you. That's why I can't let you continue to do this to yourself. I love you so much that I'm willing to dredge up the most horrible memories I have just to make you face the truth that you are worth it. You are not worthless, no matter what they told you."
Heero flinched; he let Duo go and got up quickly, intent upon leaving the bedroom. Duo hoisted himself up and grabbed Heero's shoulder to turn him around before the other boy could get to the door; he had seen the recognition in Heero's eyes... and knew.
"That's it, isn't it? That's what they said to you. They told you that you were worthless and you believed them. You still believe them. Why, Heero?"
"Because it's true," Heero growled as he pushed Duo's hand off of him. "I couldn't even protect myself. How worthless is that? I took everything they gave me, and all I could do was let them. After a while, I didn't even resist. It didn't matter anymore. I was used and no one would ever want me... no one. And I can't blame anyone but myself for that."
"Heero, that's not true. You didn't want it to happen."
"Maybe I did," Heero said coldly. "Maybe deep down inside I'm glad it happened, because I was never going to know what it was like with someone I cared about anyway. You know how it is, Duo, right? You went right back for more after it happened to you. You even made some money at it. Maybe I should just go out on the corner and sell myself too. It may be the only way I'll ever get someone to touch me like that again. Damaged goods can still fetch a good price, or so I hear."
Duo stepped back. It hurt. It hurt so bad he felt like Heero had physically hit him. He hadn't been prepared for that. He swallowed the tears that threatened. Heero was lashing out at him because Duo was forcing him to do this. Duo had to put the hurt aside; he had to focus on Heero instead. Still, he couldn't keep the pain out of his voice.
"So you think the reason why I did those things was because I wanted to?"
"Why else would you keep doing it? You couldn't allow yourself to love someone because you knew they'd die, so you just fucked strangers so you'd never have to feel responsible. You thought you weren't worth love, so you just settled for sex, even hurtful humiliating sex. Isn't that right, Duo?" Heero heard his own words and felt nauseous. 'Why am I doing this? I don't want to hurt him like this. What is wrong with me?'
Duo stood there, just trying to breathe. He felt like his heart had just been ripped out, but he knew he'd live; it had happened too many times before for him not to. He had to admit to himself for the first time that although he had done those things to survive, a part of him had done them for those very reasons. He remembered those feelings; they still haunted him at times, but he had discovered the truth at the end of the war... and it had set him free.
"Yes," Duo replied, his voice husky with emotion. "I thought that I didn't deserve to be loved. I let people use me because I thought I wasn't good enough for anything else, but there were people who cared about me, Heero, even when I didn't care about myself. Their love for me made me realize that no one is worthless, no matter what they've done. I know in my heart that I'm worth every tear Sister Helen cried for me and every prayer Father Maxwell prayed."
Heero felt the walls crumble inside. He had just said the most horrible things to the one person who loved him; and he knew Duo loved him. Duo had just proven it beyond anything Heero could have ever asked of him. Heero walked over to the bed and sat down, suddenly weak from an emotion he had only felt twice before - regret.
"Duo... I'm... I'm so sorry... I don't know... what's wrong... I didn't mean it... I..."
Duo sat down on the bed next to him and put his arm around him. "You have to tell me what happened so we can deprogram you, Heero. Psychologically, you were brainwashed by this. The only way to reverse it is to face it and replace all the negative lies with positive truths. I know it's not easy, but it is necessary."
Heero looked into Duo's eyes; he knew he had to trust him. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.
"I had stopped in a bar to use the phone, and they were there. There were four of them altogether. Two of them were burly guys, one was rather tall, and then there was the guy with the cobra tattoo. I didn't even see them looking at me. They left, and I dismissed them as they went. I left about fifteen minutes later. As I rounded the building, the two burly guys grabbed me and pulled me into the alley. Before I could even throw one of them, the tall one had joined them. They held me as the guy with the cobra tattoo approached." Heero swallowed; this was harder to do than he had thought it would be.
"It's okay, Heero," Duo soothed as he moved closer. "I'm right here with you. What happened next?"
"He... he took his knife... and sliced my shorts. He kept doing it, and I really thought he was just going to kill me. But then... he pulled them down... and... and he..." Heero couldn't say it. He felt like he couldn't breathe.
Duo could see Heero was reliving it. He knew that feeling all too well. "It already happened, Heero. They can't hurt you anymore. All you're doing is talking about something in the past." Duo was rubbing Heero's back in slow circles to calm him. Heero took a few more deep breaths.
"He kept making me... ejaculate... over and over again," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "Each one of them... took turns... touching me. They kept saying I was nothing but a piece of trash, and that I should be happy they were touching me because no one else would ever want to."
"And you know that's not true, Heero, because I want to touch you, right?" Duo's voice was calm and reassuring. It was nothing like how he was feeling on the inside. It was worse listening to Heero than it had been reliving his own memories. He had to keep reminding himself what he had already told Heero... it's in the past.
Heero looked at him, unsure. "Yeah, you do, but you... not like that."
Duo considered what to say. He decided it was more important to comfort Heero than to hold onto his pride. "You don't think I want to touch you sexually because of what happened?"
Heero looked down. "I... I don't know. I don't know if I'd want you to, but if I did..."
Duo reached out and lifted Heero's face so he would have to look at him. "No touch from you could ever make me uncomfortable, Heero, and I would touch you in any way you'd want me to, including sexually, without a moment's hesitation. You are a beautiful person, a faithful friend, and an incredibly sexy guy. Don't ever think I feel any other way about you."
"So you're attracted to me? You would want to have sex with me?"
Duo bit his lip then nodded. "Yes, but I would never act on that attraction unless I was absolutely sure that you felt the same way. You never have to worry about that, Heero. We may sleep in the same bed, touch each other casually, and even kiss, but nothing else will happen unless you want it to happen."
Heero nodded in understanding. It was nice to know if ever he did want... Heero decided not to think about that right now; he wasn't well enough to anyway yet. He then had a thought. "Then they were wrong about that."
"Yes, they were. And I'm not the only person who would feel that way, Heero. I promise you that." Duo's shimmering eyes pierced all the way to Heero's soul; Heero knew it was the truth.
"I believe you, Duo. Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy for you to admit how you feel about me. It means so much..." Heero's voice faltered for a moment. Duo smiled and continued to rub his back.
"What happened next?"
"I don't know how long they did that for... then 'cobra' decided to... to... he made them turn me around... and then he... took me... against my will. At first it hurt so much, but then..." Heero's face burned with shame.
"But then your body took over and reacted on a purely physical level. Emotionally and psychologically, you did not enjoy it. I don't care what they said, Heero. Some guy was raping you."
"I know," Heero said fiercely, "but I... I never had anyone to touch me like that... and I... I thought, 'Well, maybe this is the only way I ever would have had anyone do this'..."
Duo knew that was dangerous thinking. It could lead Heero into a violent relationship where he could be physically and emotionally hurt. He had to nip that in the bud. "Heero, that's not true."
"But I never let anyone get close to me, Duo. How is someone supposed to care about me if I don't let them?"
Duo smiled. "That didn't stop me, did it?"
Heero thought about that for a minute. It hadn't stopped Duo; Duo had loved him anyway. "So you think that eventually someone would have cared about me like that and wanted me sexually?"
"There's no doubt about it, Heero. And that person would have made your first time comfortable and fulfilling. They never would have hurt you or made you feel anything but loved. I'm sure of it." Duo added to himself, 'Especially if it had been me.'
Heero looked into violet depths to make sure Duo meant it. When he was satisfied, he nodded again. "So that was a lie too."
"Yes. They were trying to make you think that you wanted them to do that so they could get off on it, Heero. Guys like that want to feel powerful and in control. They make their victims feel weak and dirty. That's why it's so important for you to begin to take back control physically. You can't let yourself be afraid to react on a physical basis. There's nothing wrong with reacting physically. The way you tell the difference between whether or not your body is reacting in the right way is by your mind and heart. Like I told you before, if your mind and heart isn't in it, then it means nothing. Now what happened next, Heero?"
They talked for the next hour, Duo interrupting each time Heero revealed how something had made him feel, correcting each misconception, until Heero had finished telling about the whole ordeal. They sat there, Heero letting Duo hold him close.
"Everything they said was a lie, but they made me feel so..."
"Worthless?" Duo asked as he looked into Heero's beautiful blue eyes.
"Yes. Worthless. Why did I let them do that?"
"Because you're human, Heero." Duo brushed his hand across Heero's cheek as he said it.
That simple touch made Heero feel like he had just faced an enemy in battle... and conquered it.
"You're right; I am," he said softly, smiling slightly.
Duo smiled back. "Never let anyone tell you any different."
Heero embraced Duo tightly. He let the feeling of the other boy in his arms sweep through his soul. Everything would be all right. Duo loved him, and that was all that mattered. He knew he would have to keep telling himself all of the things Duo had said to him; he would not let what happened rule him any longer. He had too much to live for to let himself die like that.
Duo felt joy fill him as the other boy held him close; it began mending the broken pieces of his heart. He knew that they would have to have this conversation again before it was all over with no matter how much better Heero felt right now. Memories had a way of coming back, especially bad ones. Heero would have to fight them, but Duo knew how strong the wing pilot was; tonight, Duo felt like he had helped him to become even stronger. It didn't matter what Duo had to go through; Heero was worth it.
It had been almost two months since Heero had knocked on Duo's door. His leg was mended, his bruises had faded, and he had even gained a little weight eating Duo's cooking. Heero had continued to sleep in the same bed with Duo; Duo hadn't minded. In fact, Duo was getting attached to Heero and didn't want him to ever go.
As Duo lay there in the morning sun, he gazed down on the boy who had indeed stolen his heart. Heero had never indicated to Duo that he thought of him as anything more than a friend, even though they continued to tell each other 'Aishiteru' every night before going to sleep. 'Even though I told him that I was attracted to him,' Duo thought to himself, unable to keep from being disappointed. The problem was that Duo wanted Heero more and more every day physically. As Heero healed, Duo found that sleeping with him was beginning to become more difficult; but Duo had made a promise, and he had meant it. He would not allow himself to respond to what his body wanted without Heero's consent. Of course, the casual touching was another issue altogether...
Duo had begun running his fingers through Heero's hair. He didn't mean to keep on doing it, but Heero's hair was just as soft as his own. He could now understand why it had been such a calming thing to Heero. Duo closed his eyes and snuggled against the other boy, enjoying the contentment of being close to him. Heero had his arm around Duo's waist with his head resting on Duo's chest, so Duo only had to move his hand slightly to reach the dark locks that all but cried out for him to touch them. He was oblivious to the fact that Heero had opened his eyes as soon as the caresses had begun.
Heero couldn't believe something could feel so good. When Duo pulled him closer, Heero felt the security of being close to the person who had helped him through some of the hardest days of his life. He had continued to analyze his feelings for Duo over the past month, but still didn't know what to do about them. Although he knew he loved the braided pilot, Heero didn't know how he would react to Duo sexually. He knew that Duo had told him that he could touch Duo that way, and that Duo would touch him back, but Heero wasn't sure if that's what Duo wanted. Sometimes he thought that Duo did, but Heero was afraid to approach him about it. Heero had been too sore for anything physical since the night of the assault, but he had finally mended, and waking up with an incredibly sexy Duo was beginning to be harder... literally. When he heard Duo let a low moan escape as he buried his fingers in the hair at the nape of Heero's neck, Heero suddenly felt himself become aroused. A month ago, it would have been painful, but this morning... it seemed to feel normal. In fact, it felt good, and he realized that he definitely wanted more. As if in response to his thoughts, Heero felt Duo press a kiss into his hair. If Duo had done that before Heero had been assaulted, Heero would have knocked Duo senseless for it, but things were different now, and Heero felt like a different person. Instead of planning his foolish pilot friend's demise, he felt himself responding with, 'Do it again, Duo. Please, do it again.'
Duo was so captivated that he didn't even realize what he was doing. All he knew was how it felt. After so much turmoil, it was comforting to feel something so good. When he kissed Heero's hair the second time, it was purely from enjoying the feel of Heero's hair against his lips. He had no idea that Heero was awake or that the other boy was enjoying his caresses and kisses just as much as he was. Duo wasn't even cognizant of how Heero had moved slightly to position himself closer. Duo was lost in the fog of contentment... a fog that lifted as soon as he felt Heero kiss him.
Heero couldn't help himself. After two months of dealing with the ugly side of sex, he wanted something beautiful... with Duo. He knew Duo would never make the first move because of what had happened; it was up to him to let Duo know what he wanted. Heero brushed his lips against Duo's neck. Duo's skin was as soft as his hair. 'How could he be so soft and be so strong at the same time?' Heero thought as he began to move his lips up to Duo's chin. He heard Duo's quick intake of breath, but Heero told himself that Duo had already said 'my body is your body'; Heero wanted to kiss 'his' body. He continued to kiss up Duo's face, stopping when he reached the other boy's left cheek. Then he pulled back to look at Duo. Those brilliant eyes spoke volumes; confusion, awe, and even excitement all sparkled in their violet depths.
"H-Heero. You okay?" Duo's shaky voice asked, almost in a whisper.
"Yeah," Heero replied, suddenly feeling unsure, yet wanting more. He needed to take control, but he was still afraid. He had to get beyond this; he needed Duo this way.
Duo was taken off guard. The boy he had longed to be close to ever since the moment he'd laid eyes on him had just kissed him in a definitely 'more than friendly' way. He didn't know what to say, but he saw the uncertainty in Heero's eyes and knew he had to let the other boy know he didn't mind. 'Mind? Hell, I've been waiting for this for the past two years.'
"S'okay, Heero. It really felt nice. You have very soft lips." Duo blushed as he said the last sentence.
Heero smiled slightly. "Really?" Duo nodded, but didn't say anything else. Heero could sense the other pilot's hesitation; he knew what he had to say.
"Listen, Duo, I know you told me that I could touch you without asking, and I know you said that if I wanted to touch you sexually, that you wouldn't mind, and that you would touch me too. I don't want it to be because of what happened; I want it to be only because you want me. I won't be hurt if you don't." Heero could see the shock on Duo's face.
"How could you think I don't want you? Heero, I didn't just say those things to make you feel better; I meant them. I've been trying to keep my hands off of you for the past month because I promised you that I wouldn't take advantage of you. I just couldn't help myself this morning. You're hair is just as comforting to me as mine is to you, and before I knew what I was doing..." Duo knew he was babbling, but he felt the need to at least try to explain. The problem was that he didn't know how to explain that he wanted Heero to kiss him forever.
"So you're saying that you don't want me to stop, right? You want me to keep kissing you and see where it leads? Is that what you're saying, Duo?" Heero felt his heart beating faster. 'Oh please, say yes, Duo. I need you.'
Duo didn't know what to say. Did Heero really want him? He didn't want to hurt the other boy, and he was so afraid that Heero was just confused.
"Heero, we've been through quite an ordeal these past two months. We've gotten pretty close, and as much as I love being close to you, I don't want you to mistake a feeling of gratitude for something else. I don't want you to feel like I'm the only one who would want you. It's simply not true." Duo added mentally, 'No matter how much I wish it was, so you wouldn't have a choice.' It was Duo's last attempt to let Heero back out of it.
"Oh, is this how I would show gratitude, Duo? I don't recall ever seeing that on Miss Manner's list," Heero remarked, raising an eyebrow for emphasis. "And do you honestly think I would just sleep with you because I thought I couldn't get anyone better? Come on, Duo. You know me better than that. Gratitude could never make me want you this much." Before Duo could reply that it was indeed on Miss Manner's list (page 57 to be exact), Heero leaned forward and brushed his lips against the braided boy's.
It was like ice cream; one taste and you knew you would always love that flavor forever. Heero moved his lips over Duo's slowly. Their breath mingled as they began exploring each other's mouths. Tentative at first, their tongues broke through the barrier of their lips to taste the sweetness the other had to offer. Duo groaned as he pulled Heero closer to him, wanting to devour him. Heero was overwhelmed; his erection had grown, confirming his suspicions that he was very much attracted to Duo.
When Heero pressed his lower body against him, Duo could feel the other boy's arousal. Duo's mind took a vacation, and his body got to housesit. Duo pulled him closer, grinding their erections together. Heero moaned into Duo's mouth. They kept kissing for what seemed like an eternity until Duo's brain came back home suddenly to send his body to its room for bad behavior.
"Heero," he gasped as he pulled away. "I don't want to hurt you. I just want you to be sure..."
Heero gave him a sexy smile. "I know what I want, Duo. I want you."
Before Duo could reply, Heero kissed him with a passion that left Duo breathless. He rolled over on top of Duo, pinning the other boy's arms above his head with one of his hands. When Heero released Duo's mouth, he could see that the braided boy was stunned beyond words; Heero liked that reaction.
"Cat got your tongue?" Heero asked teasingly, his voice dipping to an even sexier timbre. "Or would it be more accurate to say: Heero got your tongue?" He demonstrated the concept, making Duo moan in pleasure.
Duo couldn't believe what was happening. The one thing he did know was that a semblance of the Heero he used to know was back, even though the Heero he used to know wouldn't be kissing him senseless; this Heero was, and he was in complete control. Duo knew that it was a very big step in the healing process. It wouldn't be right to interrupt that now, would it?
Heero broke the kiss and stared down at him. "You know that I want this. Do you? Tell me before I can't stop."
Duo opened his mouth but no sound would come out. He looked at the boy who owned him, body, mind, heart, and soul, and he wanted nothing more than for Heero to do whatever he wanted to do to him. Duo just couldn't get the words out. Instead, he nodded mutely.
Heero chuckled, startling Duo even more. "I wish I'd known how to render you speechless a long time ago. It would have made all those missions much quieter, not to mention a hell of a lot more interesting." Heero leaned back down to claim Duo's lips again before the other boy could recover.
Heero's humor brought Duo out of his coma. 'Well, hell, I should be enjoying this instead of analyzing it. We've done enough of that for the past two months.' Duo wrapped his arms around Heero's waist and pulled him closer.
Heero pulled away for air some moments later and gazed down at the beautiful violet-eyed boy he loved more than anything. "What do you want me to do, Duo?" Heero could see the unrestrained passion burning in those indigo eyes. 'I'll do anything you want, Duo. I'm yours now.'
Duo looked up into cobalt blue heaven and said the words he'd always wanted to say. "Make love to me, Heero."
End Part 3
(:./tk/infy3)
