20-Jul-2003
Title: Lengthylocks and the Three Bares or Oops, I did it Again
Author: Kitty Chou (love_nuriko@hotmail.com)
Archive: GW Addiction
Category: Fluff, Yaoi, OOC
Pairing: 1x2x3x4
Disclaimer: *clears throat* I do not in any way, shape, or form own Gundam Wing or it's wonderful characters! I just pull them out to play and then clean them up and put them back when I'm done! I'm making no money and if you sue me you will receive no money because *shock* I have none. I don't own the Bible, Harry Potter, Not Another Teen Movie (which I actually haven't seen... ), or Goldilocks and the Three Little Bears, either.
Rating: PG-13 (I didn't use any swear words this time... How sad. Don't worry, I'll make it up to you.)
Warnings: craziness, innuendo, lime (sort of), yaoi-ness, OOC, shameless parody of the Bible
Spoilers: None whatsoever! This is my mind on crack!
Author's Notes: Okay... I'm having MAJOR problems getting Chapter Eight written, so it's time again for another writer's block fairy tale!
Feedback: Please send feedback to love_nuriko@hotmail.com.
In the beginning, there was a lot of icky wet stuff. Then Kitty, overlord of her own little world reached up, even though there is no up in space, and cried out, "Let there be 'Three Seconds'." And there was, and it was good. Then, after receiving the happy praise that earned Her the self-named nickname, 'Captain Bighead', She created 'The X-Faction'. And it was good.
But, in Her ongoing plight to create 'The X Faction', She became bored and said, "Let there be... 'Little Red Running Shorts'." And the happy praise changed to happy laughter, and it was good. But She was not de-boreded... ed... So She reached out again and cried, "Let there be 'The Prince In The Frog Suit'." And there was, and it was good. And now, yet again, she is bored (and wishes to shamelessly advertise Herself... don't forget 'Faceless Demon, Mad Max') and so She created, 'Lengthylocks and the Three Bares'. And it sucks like nothing else.
<thunderclap>
Yeah, yeah... I hear you... *sigh* Where did I go wrong? *clears throat* In a beautiful, sunny clearing in a beautiful, sunny forest was the most hideous cottage you ever saw. It was hideous, of course, because it was built for practicality and function... instead of beauty and the fact that you had to actually live there.
The dwellers of the house were three nudists who operated a bodyguard service under the company name, 'The Three Bares'. Please, take a moment to laugh and compose yourself once more.
...
...
Ready? Okay. The tallest, and therefore rightful top, of the household was Trowa, codename: Papa Bare. The least feminine of the trio, being the middleman who often found himself 'sandwiched', was Heero, codename: Mama Bare. The shortest and womanliest of the three, and therefore the permanent bottom, was Quatre, codename: Baby Bare.
One morning, the Three Bares sat down to eat their usual breakfast of 'essential proteins, vitamins, and nutrients to start your day out right', codename: mush.
"Hot." Papa Bare complained as he took a bite of his carefully microwaved mush.
"Hn." Mama Bare complained as he took a bite of his carefully microwaved mush.
"Why this has to be the best mush I've ever had! You did a wonderful job microwaving this, Heero! It's absolutely perfect!" Baby Bare... er... yeah... as he took a bite of his carefully microwaved mush. Faced with the most heinous possibility of having to eat mush that was either too hot or too cold, the Three Bares decided to take a walk.
"No."
... no?
"If I leave, my mush will become even colder. There is no logic in leaving my mush to grow colder."
"And really, Miss Narrator, my mush is perfect so I'd hate to let it go to ruin while we romp around the woods naked."
*stare*
"Er... but, now that you mention it, I do feel like a good romp! Shall we?"
So the Three Bares straightened their hair and set out into the forest for a good... romp. *snicker*
In beautiful, sunny village nearby lived a beautiful, sunny young lad. He worked for Dam Sil, a spy network that used beautiful, sunny young lads and lasses to spy for them and do their evil bidding. Because it's an evil spy network, I guess... Anyway, this beautiful, sunny young lad was named Duo, codename: Lengthylocks. His codename was Lengthylocks because... you guessed it! His locks were lengthy. Though whether or not that chestnut color is natural is still up for debate.
"Hey! I'm all natural! 100% natural bishounen! Worship me now!"
Yeah. Uh-huh. Whatever. One morning (the same morning as before, actually), Lengthylocks sat down to eat his usual breakfast of 'absolute sugary crap designed to kill you by your mid-twenties', codename: Cap'n Crunch.
"Yay! I love my Cap'n Crunch!" Lengthlylocks babbled happily, as only fluffy she-males with colored hair can.
"Okay, that's it! I've had it! Bring it on, omnipresent!"
It has already been brung it on, infidel!
<thunderclap>
But he started it!
<rumble rumble>
Fine! Be that way! You always side with him over me! You hate me!
<whoosh>
...bitch...
"Ha! You got slapped down by the author!"
Shut up, poof. I can still smite you. Or make your hair fall out at least.
"You can not!"
Can too.
"CAN NOT!"
CAN-
<LIGHTNING BOLT>
OH ALL RIGHT ALREADY! Suddenly, an owl made entirely from toilet paper flew in the window of Lengthylocks' beautiful, sunny home, dropping a letter in his lap before sailing back the way it came.
<<Lengthylocks-
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to break into the really ugly cottage belonging to The Three Bares and find any information useful to our evil empire.
Hugs and Kisses,
Albus Dumbledore>>
"Hoobus What-the-hell?"
Your boss.
"Oh... right... "
Lengthylocks, having a hero complex, immediately jumped to his feet to complete his mission for the side of... well, evil... but that's not important.
"But my Cap'n Crunch will get all soggy!"
*stare*
"Jesus, what are you, a cat? Fine, let's get this over with."
So Lengthylocks set off down ye merry old path through the beautiful, sunny forest.
"Are we there yet?"
No.
"How about now?"
...
I refuse to dignify that with a response.
"You know, by stating that you refuse to respond, you respond."
...I hate you.
"Not nearly as much as I hate you. Do you have any idea how long it took me to find a willing, beautiful, virgin prince for Heero to kiss? TWO WEEKS! Two weeks without sex!"
How sad for you. As the heinous cottage came into view, Lengthylocks stealthily skipped forward, keeping an eye out for the Three Bares, lest they catch him and eat him.
"They're going to eat me?!"
Of course. Finding the Bares gone and the door unlocked, Lengthylocks pranced inside like he owned the place. He headed immediately for the kitchen, hoping to find some more sugar to replace the precious little he lost on the skip over. On the kitchen table, cooling in the fresh morning air sat the three bowls of mush, completely featureless, but begging to be eaten anyway.
"I don't think I want to eat that... It looks like someone put a brain through a blender."
You'll eat your brain and like it, young man. Or no FAKE for you.
"Yes, Miss Narrator... "
Good boy. Sitting down at the biggest bowl, Duo... er... Lengthylocks dipped his spoon (which he took from the silverware drawer since he didn't want to get cooties by using the one on the table) in the mush and hesitantly tasted it. Meaning that he stuck an entire spoonful in his mouth immediately.
"JESUS H. CHRIST, THAT'S HOT! I think I just burned off all of my taste buds! I'll never be able to eat again!"
You're such a drama queen. Finding this bowl of mush too hot, he moved on to the next biggest bowl.
"I-is it p-p-possible to g-get f-f-freeze bite on your t-t-tongue?"
This mush was too cold for poor Lengthylocks, so he moved again to the smallest bowl.
"Mmmm... This is the best thing I've ever tasted! I think my mouth is having an orgasm! Oh yes! Yes! Yes! More! More!"
*cough* The third bowl, being the smallest and thereby belonging to Baby Bare, was just right, so Lengthylocks ate it all up. Now that his stomach was satisfied, Lengthylocks concentrated on his assignment and began searching the house for information useful to the evil empire he served. After a very thorough search (lasting a whole three minutes), Lengthylocks was exhausted and fell into a nearby chair.
"OW! What's this thing made of?! Bricks?!"
But this chair was too hard. Lengthylocks went to the next--
"Screw this noise. I'm bored; can we cut to the chase already? I'm gonna go take a nap in the little bed upstairs. Wake me when I'm supposed to wake up and run all the way home like a little piggy."
Um... so, Lengthylocks went upstairs and fell asleep in the 'just right' bed.
"What the-- Are these MANACLES?!"
Er... anyway... Back in the woods, the Three Bares were panting with the exertion from having just finished their... romp. Deciding that their mush would now be suitable to eat, they set off for home.
"Oh I just can't wait to finish my wonderful mush! Surely, it will taste twice as wonderful after such a wonderful romp! Isn't everything wonder-- Hey, why is the door open?"
For indeed, Lengthylocks had, in his brainless rush for sugar, left the door wide open, causing the death of eight squirrels who dared to try the burning and freezing mush. Poor things...
"But they didn't get MY mush, right?"
...
"Right, Miss Narrator?"
...
"RIGHT?!"
You HAVE heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears haven't you?
"Well, yes, but what does that-- NO!"
Yep.
"But... that's... oh I am going to KILL her!"
Him.
"Him?"
Duo.
"Oh... Well, maim and torture then."
Quickly and quietly, so as to not wake their guest, the Three Bares crept upstairs to their bedroom where earthshaking snores shook the woodwork. Because neither of the other two beds had been slept in, they headed straight for Baby Bare's little bed at the far end of the room.
"Wha... ? Oh, hey guys! What's up? Hey... what are you doing? Manacles?! No fair! Hey wait-- Mmmph!"
"Gentlemen, let's eat."
And they did, and it was good.
~*~THE--
"Forgetting something are we?"
What? Oh... Um... Relena suddenly died when a large... um... tank, no, SEPTIC tank, fell on her while she was out buying something large, fluffy, and pink.
~*~THE END~*~
*le sigh* Good to know I haven't forgotten how to be totally pointless in the time I haven't written... I've been out there *points out into the great beyond* pretending that I was a tree... But look! I'm writing again! Go me! Maybe I'll even finish Chapter Eight now! ... it's hot... I wish I had an AC... Wah...
I don't own Britney Spears either, by the way. Not that I wish to. Please don't think I wish to. Or I'll cry.
(:./kitty/bares)
