21-Aug-2004
Title: To Be Determined [fluff, err, angst, err, never mind]
Rating: PG
Warning: none
Pairing: surprise!*
*dunno if it is or not. enough people tell me it was clear from line one, then screw it, I'll tell Tyr to put the pairing on there. If not, then it remains a surprise. err, or something. uh. confused now.
Notes: To paraphrase the immortal words of Maldoror, "Sol, there are cacti fluffier than your version of fluff. Put some kittens in there."
No kittens, sorry. So, uh, this was supposed to be for the fluff contest, but it's not very fluffy. Well, it is if you're me, then it's fluffy. Otherwise, it's uh, not.
Anyway. Enjoy.
many thanks to Maldoror for beta-reading this un-fluffy, kitten-less puppy.
Heero stretches minimally when he gets out of the taxi, and throws his duffel bag over his shoulder. Relena's standing on the steps, her expression somewhere between surprised – though she knew he was coming – and delighted, with just that faint touch of amusement that doesn't make sense to him.
He walks up the broad steps to stand in front of her, the early summer city warm in the mid-morning, and gazes past her at the city town home. She rolls her eyes, and takes him by the hand, pulling him inside.
"My mother thought it was a bit more manageable than that place we had... and after my father... " She doesn't finish, but shrugs to fill the blank, then turns, a smile on her face. "The guest rooms are up here. I guess you'll want to wash the shuttle off?"
He nods, manages a smile, and she laughs.
"Always the talker, Heero. Last door on the left, bathroom's across the hall," she says, pointing. "I need to call Quatre, and find out what we're doing tonight." Relena pauses at the top of the stairs, her fingers resting gently on the banister, soothing the old wood. "It's good to see you again. I'm really glad you could make it."
"I am, too," he says, and he means it.
"So? What's it like?" Duo's voice is persistent, but with that laugh bubbling up in the serious tone. "Gimme details, man, cause I'm not going in there blind."
"I had to." Heero tucks the cell phone between his ear and his shoulder, and digs through his duffel bag. He's almost positive he packed more than just two pairs of socks for a three-week visit to Earth. "I don't plan to deny myself the amusement of watching you screw everything up. Have to go get ready for dinner.
"I hope you get food poisoning."
Heero hangs up without answering, but chuckles while he showers.
The first night it's only Relena, Heero, and Quatre; the rest won't be arriving until the next morning or the day after. It's a quiet evening, sitting around in the basement of the old town home. Mrs. Darlian brings them more popcorn, and the three friends pile onto the old plaid sofa to watch two ghost stories Quatre brought. The room is dark, and all three jump when the ghost appears.
Popcorn goes up in the air.
Relena laughs so hard she nearly falls off the sofa, while Heero sulks and picks popcorn out of his hair. Quatre is folded over in half, his fist in his mouth.
Not once do any of them mention the war.
"Something's come up," Duo says. "My advisor's doing a three-day seminar and I really wanna go to it, man. He only offers this one like every two years."
"You just don't want to have to bathe," Heero says, pretending to be unimpressed. "Not up to the effort of making yourself presentable."
"Yeah, I wouldn't... hey," Duo responds, as always, catching on a half-beat later. "Y'know, your sense of humor sucks."
"Only because you're the one on the other end," Heero says, enjoying himself. He stares out the window of his temporary bedroom that he's now sharing with Trowa. From the window he can see down into the small backyard lit by evening lanterns, the two trees, and the bench where Relena sits. She's chatting with Trowa and Hilde. Heero sighs. "That means five days?"
"Four. Heading straight to Earth from there, I promise," Duo says. "Wouldn't want to leave you to the wolves for too long."
"You'd know. You went to the dogs years ago," Heero shoots back.
"Hah, hah, hah." Duo is smirking. He likes Heero's sense of humor, even if he is always on the receiving end. "Wolves not bothering you too much, then?"
"No." Heero feels the shift to serious moments, rides with it. He pauses, reflecting, and shakes his head, then realizes Duo can't see him. "No. It's... it's comfortable." Heero falls silent, uncertain. He's not used to explaining without being prompted, but he's been trying to learn. He practices when he talks to his best friend. He runs a finger along the dresser, trying to find the words.
"Except?"
"Relena asked me to dinner tomorrow night."
"That good or bad?" Duo is quiet, neutral. He's going to let Heero decide. He's not the kind of friend to tell another how to be, what to think.
"I guess it's good. I respect her a great deal, and she's very intelligent."
"And pretty," Duo prompts.
"Pretty, yes," Heero says, flushing, a bit annoyed. "I was getting to that part. I suppose those things are important in a friend."
"Hm." Duo retains the neutral tone, but the conversation has moved into older territory. This is where Duo leads the way, pointing out landmarks for Heero to remember. "Can you talk to her about everything? "
Heero has to think about that. "I haven't tried."
"Can you see yourself talking to her about everything?"
"I don't know." He considers that. "I don't think so."
"Well, work on it," Duo suggests. "That's how you get to be good friends."
Heero tries to work on it, but his tongue doesn't always seem to work when Relena is around. He lets her lead the conversation, and follows as she prompts. They find they have a great deal in common, still. After dinner, they walk back to the town house from the little corner café, and it seems right to hold hands. Heero has never held hands before, and he's afraid to hold on too tight. Her hands are soft, fragile; he feels like she's delicate machinery that would break if he ever showed his true strength.
At the door, she turns when he opens his mouth to speak, and suddenly they're kissing. It's not for more than a heartbeat, but it surprises them both and they pull away. Neither looks the other in the eye, but they hold hands until they're inside.
"Well," Relena says.
Heero half-nods, not sure. They seem to mutually let go of each other's hands, and stand there, at the bottom of the stairs.
"Good night, Heero," Relena tells him.
"Good night," he says, and climbs the stairs.
Heero perches on the edge of the toilet, the door shut, his voice low. Duo picks up after the fourth ring.
"You didn't answer right away," Heero says.
"New game. Gundam Wars." Duo chuckles. "Wing's ass is getting majorly kicked."
"Only if you hacked the game," Heero says flatly, and he's rewarded by another chuckle.
"God mode, man!" Duo quiets down. "So. Talk to me."
"The food was good," Heero tells him, dutifully. "We talked about school. She wants to become a lawyer, or maybe a sociologist. I told her about Mars. We kind of kissed at the door."
"Uh," Duo says, and there's that hint of teasing. "You either do or don't. I'm not sure you can kind of kiss."
"How would you know?"
"It's not like I'm completely without experience, here."
"Movies don't count." Heero smirks.
"Hey," Duo replies, but without the usual heat. "So. You going farther? Y'know, recon the territory?"
Heero is silent, puzzled, but Duo understands. He sighs into the phone, an exasperated sound.
"Heero, man, have sex, I mean. Y'know, make out, get to second base, then third... "
"Your metaphors are outdated." Heero crosses his arms and leans sideways, to let his shoulder rest against the edge of the bathroom countertop.
"Principle's the same. Answer the question, Yuy." Duo laughs. "No way are you allowed to stop talking to me, now!"
"Sex," Heero says, half to himself. "I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm in love with her."
"Oh." Duo ponders that. "Well, I guess you have to find out, then. Keep working on the friend thing, then. That's the biggest part."
Heero grunts, disbelieving that Duo would have any clue.
"Hey, now," Duo protests. "You'd be surprised what you can learn from movies."
Wufei arrives the next morning, the last of the crowd but the one Heero is most anxious about seeing. Relena's out with Hilde and Quatre, and Trowa is still sleeping off jetlag. Wufei looks tired, but relaxed; he only had a three-hour flight from Eastern Europe.
"Heero," Wufei says, looking up from his coffee.
"Morning," Heero says. "I have a question."
"Sure." Wufei pours more cream in his coffee, not looking up.
"Were you in love with your wife?"
Wufei's spoon clatters against the side of his mug. His glance is direct, piercing, but quickly turns pensive, judging Heero's question as honest. " ...I respected her, but we were not in love when we married."
Heero considers that for a second, and moves to the second question in his mental list. "Do you think it's not important?"
"I think love has its place in marriage," Wufei says. He turns to look out the window, but his gaze is turned inwards, to places and people that Heero can't see and will never impose enough to ask. "But I think it matters more to have trust, and honor, and respect." Wufei's smile is wry. "I speak as one coming from an arranged marriage. We never even met before the wedding ceremony."
The words prompt a new question; it's one Heero speaks without thinking. "Do you regret having been married?"
"Not a single minute, ever," Wufei says, and smiles sadly.
After breakfast, Heero is getting dressed when Trowa pushes open the bedroom door. There's a towel on Trowa's head, and he's rubbing at his hair. He looks tired, but his eyes are bright.
Heero nods, and pulls off his nighttime tank top. "What do you think are the prerequisites for sex?"
Trowa coughs, startled, then chuckles. "Well, that's direct. You going to tell me the point?"
Heero stares, waiting, a clean shirt in his hands.
"Right. Figures." Trowa considers it, then shrugs. "Have sex. Hm. When it's time, you'll know it. Just do what your heart tells you." He looks sideways at Heero, and digs a shirt out from his bag, pulling it over his head. His face appears through the neck hole, and he yanks it down with firm tugs, his gaze fixed on Heero. "You're the one who believes in following his emotions."
"Of course," Heero replies, a little irritated. He puts on his own shirt, and tucks it in automatically. "I'll follow them, if I can figure out what they are."
Trowa chuckles. "Yeah, well, that's the hard part, I guess."
"Quatre," Heero says.
They're working their way through the museum, from the antiquities to the modern abstracts. Heero has been watching carefully, for a moment to speak with Quatre alone.
"Have you... " Heero comes to stand by Quatre, staring up at the lone painting in the gallery's side room. "Have you ever been in love?"
Quatre's eyebrows go up, then he schools his face into a polite agreement. "Ah... yes."
Heero nods, and thinks about that, sorting through what he might say next. He doesn't care with whom; that's most likely irrelevant. But if Quatre has been in love, then he's the most experienced of the former pilots. Heero is pleased.
"Heero?" Quatre is still giving him that bemused look, if a bit guarded.
"How did you know you were in love?"
"How?" Quatre muses, for several seconds. "It's... I can't speak for everyone, but I knew when I realized that I had a best friend, and wanted more."
"Sex."
Quatre coughs, a little, and nods. "That's one part. But that's not the more I mean. I meant time, attention, energy, from the other person."
Heero frowns, not sure.
"Well... let's start with the easier stuff, that's a bit more universal, I guess. When you're in love, and you're with that person, you feel almost... " Quatre frowns, and shakes his head a little, shoving his hands in his pockets. He gives Heero an abashed look. "I was going to say giddy, but that's not right. Light-footed. Light-hearted. No weight, no burdens."
"No burdens," Heero repeats.
"It's hard to explain." Quatre turns, leaving the side room and strolling down the main gallery of paintings. Their friends are up ahead, out of earshot. "Like you don't have to hold up the world, because now you have someone who will help you. Always. Someone that you can argue with, and still be friends. That's important. And it's someone who... " He shrugs. "It's someone that makes things better when they're there. When you realize that if they're not there, things just aren't as good."
Heero turns that notion over in his head, and nods. "If... this person weren't there, the world would not be as good a place. Is that what you mean?"
Quatre grins, almost to himself. He knows Heero well. "Not on a national level. I mean on a personal level. Movies are funnier when you watch them with that one person. Food tastes better. Conversation is wittier." He waves a hand, vaguely. "At the risk of sounding corny, everything is just somehow brighter."
"Oh. Is that all?"
"Is that all, he says." Quatre chuckles. "Love is when you can tell someone anything, everything, so you don't have to."
"Duo said being a good friend means you can tell someone everything," Heero mutters.
"And being in love means you don't have to, because they understand without you saying," Quatre replies.
Heero doesn't know why he believes it, and he can't recall books or movies or songs that tell him to believe it, but to be naked with someone else, to touch someone else, seems like something that should be monumental. He once took murder as a matter of course, death as inevitable – other's, and his – and therefore he does not want to ever take something so lightly again. Sex, he thinks, is part of life, and he wants life to be full, to be heavy, to be significant.
He spends the early evening with Relena. Hilde and Wufei are in the basement playing video games. Quatre and Trowa have been sent to get the take-out for dinner. Heero keeps an eye on the time. He wants to catch Duo on his phone before Duo's flight.
"What are you thinking about?" Relena gives him a crooked smile, and moves her backgammon piece two steps forward. "Your roll."
He rolls two sixes, and she makes a face. Heero moves his pieces after a few seconds' thought, but his words are not nearly as deliberated. "Do you think you can talk to me about everything?"
"Everything?" Relena raises her eyebrows, her lips pursed. "I know I could, but I don't know if I want to. No offense, Heero, but you're a guy. There are some things I'm not going to tell you."
Heero frowns, finishing his move.
Relena rolls the die. "A five and a three... " She moves her pieces, and sighs when she isn't able to claim any of Heero's. "Well, like girl stuff. I'm sure I could tell you if I needed to, but even friends don't tell each other everything."
"Oh." Heero accepts the die, and rolls. They're silent for the next move or two, until Relena fumbles her move.
"Crap," she mutters, looking over the board. One piece is still in her hand, but the other one has been moved. "I meant to move the other one six, not this one."
"Ditz," Heero says, deadpan.
Relena doesn't jab back, but pauses, her hand hovering over the board. Her expression is both momentarily hurt, and puzzled, then she laughs softly. It's a light sound, a little hollow.
Heero isn't sure what to say.
"I am blonde," she replies, regaining her composure with another laugh. "Your roll."
"A one and a three," Heero says. He tries joking again, while claiming two of Relena's pieces. He adds a little smirk, so she'll know he's teasing, he hopes. "How did you handle the war, when your strategy with backgammon is so hit-and-miss?"
"I... " Relena frowns, and quietly rolls the die. She seems to be thinking hard. "It's just a game, Heero. There's no need to be mean to me." She shrugs, then laughs brightly. "You'll probably win, anyway."
He realizes then that she's been willfully missing moves, to let him claim pieces, and it makes no sense to him.
"Almost packed," Duo says. He's out of breath. "Seminar was awesome. The guy rocks. You should've been there. You totally would've gotten off on his explanation of systems interactions and processor manipulation."
Heero nods, preoccupied, and doesn't say anything. He doesn't even stop to think about the fact that Duo can't see the nod from over the phone.
"Heero?" Duo is perplexed. "You okay, man?"
"I played backgammon with Relena," Heero says. "She let me win."
"Oh." Drawers slam in the background, as Duo finishes packing. "Sometimes girls do that. They don't want you to feel like you're not good enough, or something."
"I know I'm good enough." Heero scowls. "I don't see why she had to pretend like she wasn't."
"Don't ask me." Duo sighs. There's the sound of a door closing, and his grunt as he throws his bag over his shoulder, probably. Street sounds filter into the phone, followed by a car engine, then the sounds are muffled. He's gotten into the taxi, most likely. "Shuttle port," he says to someone.
"I honor, respect, and trust her," Heero repeats, reciting the list. "But I still don't know what my emotions are."
"Don't know, or can't separate them enough to identify them?"
"I don't feel nervous when she's around. And I don't worry about her when she's somewhere else," Heero says. "But I like her. Even though," and his voice gets quiet, troubled, "I don't think she likes my sense of humor."
"It's not for everyone," Duo agrees. "I'm at the shuttle port, so I've gotta get off soon. You hang in there. You'll figure it out, but y'know, you could just have sex and decide on the rest later. Or even just make out a bunch. You don't have to have sex right away... " He breaks off to say something to someone else, then comes back to the line. "I didn't mean to give you the impression you have to do it all at once. Take it in stages."
"I don't want to start something I won't finish," Heero says. He's firm about that. He knows he's made up his mind about that.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Duo says, and Heero knows they both agree on that. They've never needed to discuss it. It's just something they both understand.
Heero lies in bed that night, listening to Trowa's soft breathing from the other bed. He crosses his hands behind his head, and turns to look out at the city lights in the distance. He thinks about Wufei's words, Trowa's advice, Quatre's insight, and the time he's spent with Relena. She likes him, he thinks, and he likes her, he thinks. But he doesn't know where a friend would end and someone worthy of sex would begin.
He lets the day replay through his head, and eventually drifts off to sleep. The morning doesn't bring any answers, but he doesn't worry about it. When Duo arrives, Heero knows that Duo will lend a hand. There's nothing he can't tell Duo, and he trusts his best friend to help him figure it out.
Wufei gets Duo from the airport, and Hilde comes pounding up the stairs from the basement to hug Duo first. Heero smirks, from where he's half-hidden behind the still-open front door, and he ends up next in line for a massive hug. Heero relaxes momentarily, relieved to have Duo there; it strikes Heero that without his best friend, he'd been feeling incomplete. He releases Duo to Quatre, and is satisfied that with Duo around to bolster him, he'll be fine with Relena.
The jokes and hugs continue, and even Wufei graciously allows a quick side-by-side hug, and the affection ends in a challenge for the new Gundam Wars game. Heero tenses, afraid it will bring up questions of the war, but Duo gleefully offers to play Wing's role. He even goads Wufei into using Deathscythe.
In the basement, the sofa can't fit all seven of them, so Quatre and Trowa are stretched on the rug, with Hilde perched on the sofa arm. Elbows and knees are bumped and knocked, and no one cares. Heero is squeezed between Relena and Duo, and he grunts in exasperation every time Duo elbows him in the gut for a particularly vicious move. Duo's intent, his eyes fixed on the screen, and Heero laughs to see Duo's concentration.
"He's into it," Relena says, and giggles. "They both are."
"I'm going to kick your ass, Maxwell," Wufei growls. "You're going down."
"It's not the mecha, it's the pilot," Duo cackles, and sends another beam cannon shot at Deathsycthe. "If it were, I'd be toast. Wing's useless!"
"That's right, because the pilot using it right now sucks," Heero retorts, affably.
Duo throws a grin over his shoulder, then turns back to the screen. His braid slaps behind Heero like a live extension of his humor, thumping against Heero like a friendly punch.
Heero realizes the game is actually quite fun, more so than it had seemed to be when they'd played it the night before. The noise level is higher, which he determines is likely Duo's fault. Heero takes another handful of popcorn.
"You're eating it all," Quatre complains, and reaches for a handful of his own. "If we'd known you'd changed your mind about the popcorn, we would've made more."
"It was burnt before," Heero retorts, and pops a few more pieces in his mouth. Duo's just been slammed by Deathscythe, but he comes back with the beam saber, putting Wufei on the defensive. Wufei mutters something rude, while Relena and Hilde cheer him on despite Duo's protests that Wufei's getting all the girls' attention.
"Was not," Trowa says, amiable. "I make good popcorn."
"You put it in the microwave and hit the button that says popcorn," Relena interjects. "There's no 'making' to it."
Heero decides Trowa must have been hitting the wrong 'popcorn' button on the previous nights. He watches Duo take Wufei down without mercy, and is quite certain the popcorn is some of the best he's ever tasted.
It's the middle of the night, and Heero sits up straight in bed. He's not sure what woke him, and he looks around, suspicious, before relaxing. He lies back down, and stares at the ceiling. Trowa's breathing has lightened, but after a minute it deepens, settling back into sleep when Trowa's instincts probably assure him there's not a threat.
Trust, Heero thinks. Respect. Honor. Comfort. Communication.
Before he realizes it, he's thrown off the covers and is padding across the room in his bare feet.
Trowa rolls over in the other bed, and sits halfway up, his eyes glinting in the light through the window. "Heero?" His voice is thick with sleep.
"It's okay," Heero whispers, pleased. "I just have to do something."
"Mm," Trowa says, and it sounds like he doesn't understand, but he's too sleepy to care. He flips over on his back, falling into sleep, and Heero shuts the door softly behind him.
"Duo," Heero whispers, not touching his friend but close enough to call his name without speaking too loudly.
Duo, as the last to arrive, is sleeping on the chaise lounge in the study, which is doubling as a second guest bedroom. Quatre and Wufei are sharing the pull-out sofa; neither seem to have awoken when Heero slipped into the room.
"Duo," Heero says again.
"Hunh... " Duo opens his eyes, rubs them, and frowns at Heero. "What?"
"I have to talk to you," Heero says.
"Now." Duo rubs his eyes again. "You have to talk to me right this instant?"
"Yes." Heero scowls, aggravated by the way Duo is stalling. He knows Duo's perfectly capable of coming instantly awake if he so chooses. "It's important."
"Everything's important to you, man," Duo grumbles, but he leads the way to the door.
Outside the room, Duo rubs his arms, and blinks a few times at the hallway nightlight. He looks around, runs a hand over his messy braid, and blinks at Heero as well.
"I think I'm in love," Heero announces, quietly.
"Uh." Duo shakes his head. "What time is it?"
"When it's dark outside, that means it's night, or did they not teach you that in your training?" Heero arches an eyebrow.
"Very funny." Duo sniffs. "Bastard. Okay. You're in love. That was fast."
"Not really." Heero crosses his arms, and considers the evidence. "It's got to be someone I trust, and respect, and honor. And that makes me feel like everything is better. And that I can talk to, but don't have to talk to."
"Right." Duo blinks again, and makes a face like he's still trying to wake up, though his gaze is clear and he's not swaying on his feet. He's obviously awake, though completely befuddled by the conversation. "Those are good things. So, are you going to tell this, uh, person?"
"Yeah." Heero stares at Duo.
"Uh." Duo frowns, scratches the end of his nose, and drops his hand, waiting. When Heero doesn't say anything, Duo narrows his eyes. Heero continues to stare, and Duo twitches, then looks behind him quickly.
Heero rolls his eyes, but goes back to staring, intently, waiting for Duo to catch up.
"Oh." Duo's eyes go wide, and he slowly raises a hand to point at himself, his eyebrows almost to his hairline, they're up so high.
Heero nods, and his stomach flip-flops a few times. Suddenly the impulsive move doesn't seem quite so intelligent, and he can feel something quivering inside him. He's not sure what happens next, and it's like a mission gone wrong: parameters he'd discounted, or discredited, settling in to remind him of the stupidity of single-minded attacks.
"I see," Duo says.
Heero's arms tighten across his chest, self-protective, braced.
"Okay." Duo lets out his breath in a long rush, and nods again, then licks his lips. "Well. I'm going to need some time to get used to this."
Heero freezes, then instinctively leans away.
"Ah, ah," Duo says, quickly, and catches Heero by the elbow. "No, you don't. You can't land something like that on me and then take it back. Just... " He grins, and the move wrinkles up his face, but it's an expression so bright it overpowers the nightlight and leaves the stars behind. "Give me a few minutes to catch up, or maybe wake up."
Duo doesn't drop his hand, but stares into Heero's eyes. He seems to be weighing something, pondering, and there's a long silence, hovering, holding its breath.
Then Duo's face becomes serious, but for the tilt of his eyes, the slight arch of one brow, the twist of his lips. Just a hint, but it's there, hiding in his voice.
"Okay. Done catching up," Duo says.
He leans forward, and kisses Heero.
The End
*stares at fluffy cacti*
(:./sol/tbd)
